Tribute To Spike Milligan

The Milligan had suffered from his legs terribly. During the war in Italy. While his mind was full of great heroisms under shell fire, his legs were carrying the idea, at speed, in the opposite direction. The Battery Major had not understood.
'Gunner Milligan? You have been acting like a coward.'
'No sir, not true. I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.'
'Silence! Why did you leave your post?'
'It had woodworm in it, sir, the roof of the trench was falling in.'
'Silence! You acted like a coward!'
'I wasn't acting sir!'
'I could have you shot!'
'Shot? Why didn't they shoot me in peacetime? I was still the same coward.'
'Men like you are a waste of time in war. Understand?'
'Oh? Well den! Men like you are a waste of time in peace.'
'Silence when you speak to an officer,' shouted the Sgt. Major at Milligan's neck.
All his arguments were of no avail in the face of military authority. He was court martialled, surrounded by clanking top brass who were not cowards and therefore biased.
'I may be a coward, I'm not denying dat sir,' Milligan told the prosecution. 'But you can't really blame me for being a coward. If I am, then you might as well hold me responsible for the shape of me nose, the colour of me hair and the size of me feet.'
'Gunner Milligan,' Captain Martin stroked a cavalry moustache on an infantry face. 'Gunner Milligan,' he said. 'Your personal evaluations of cowardice do not concern the court. To refresh you memory I will read the precise military definition of the word.'
He took a book of King's Regulations, opened a marked page and read 'Cowardice'. Here he paused and gave Milligan a look.
He continued: 'Defection in the face of the enemy. Running away.'
'I was not running away sir, I was retreating.'
'The whole of your Regiment were advancing, and you decided to retreat?'
'Oh, I see! One man retreating is called running away, but a whole Regiment running away is called a retreat? I demand to be tried by cowards!'
A light, commissioned-ranks-only laugh passed around the court. But this was no laughing matter. These lunatics could have him shot.
'Have you anything further to add?' asked Captain Martin.
'Yes,' said Milligan. 'Plenty. For one ting I had no desire to partake in dis war. I was dragged in. I warned the Medical Officer, I told him I was a coward, and he marked me A.1. for Active Service. I gave everyone fair warning! I told me Battery Major before it started, I even wrote to Field Marshal Montgomery. Yes, I warned everybody, and now you're all acting surprised?'
Even as Milligan spoke his mind, three non-cowardly judges made a mental note of Guilty.
'Is that all?' queried Martin with all the assurance of a conviction. Milligan nodded. What was the use? After all, if Albert Einstein stood for a thousand years in fornt of fifty monkeys explaining the theory of relativity, at the end, they'd still be just monkeys.