I have read so many versions of the finale, I felt an obligation to come up with my own. I felt a neccessity to tie up as many loose ends as I could, referring to as many old characters as I could (much like I hope the finale will do)
I also thought it would be cool to integrate a character from another show, and what better character to do that with then Jim Ignatowski of Taxi.
This one was harder to write then "The Taxibomber" but I feel it is a satisfactory product.
Enjoy. If you have any thoughts, email me at msimon6986@aol.com
Scene 1
(Jerry and Elaine enter a comic book store)
Jerry "…and that’s why I broke up with her."
Elaine "So, you’re not seeing anyone…"
Jerry "No. I’m thinking of taking a break, give myself
a chance to try something new…you know, go back to everyday
life"
Elaine: "By the way, speaking of breakups, Putty and I-
we’re through."
Jerry (distracted) "Yeah ,okay. (To salesman) Excuse me, do
you have Action Comics #87, 32 pages, mint condition, plastic
wrapper, fine coating Superman- Charge in the Forrest."
Salesman "I think so, let me check…"
Elaine "Putty had this problem that I just found out
about today…It made it impossible for us to keep seeing each
other…"
Jerry "Elaine, do you realize if I get this Superman,
I’ll have a complete collection of Superman comic
books."
Elaine "You’re not listening to me, are you."
Jerry "Is this about you and Putty breaking up…he had some sort of a ‘problem? No I’m not listening…"
Elaine "You know, in all the times I’ve slept with someone, I’d thought I’d seen it all…but this was one for the books…"
Jerry "So what happened?"
Elaine: (whispers in his ear)
Jerry "No! But he knew the move! Get out ! (pushes Elaine) (Salesman returns)
Salesman "I have your comic book. That will be $75 sir…"
Scene 2
(jerry’s apartment, phone rings 4 times)
Message "Hi, this is Jerry and I’m not here right
now. Leave a message at the beep and I’ll call you
back…"
Monica Geller "Hi…this is Monica…Monica Geller.
I’m at Central Perk right now…I just wanted to confirm
that you’re going to meet me and some of my friends for
dinner, Thursday night at 9. Yes, they promised there would be an
opening……..Oh, I’m sorry. I just realized I had
the wrong number. Goodbye."
(dial tone)
Scene 3
(Kramer and Newman outside a theater)(Billboard reads "Rochelle Rochelle 2")
Kramer "Man, what a performance Newman, what a performance…"
Newman "It wasn’t that great. You never found out about Milan…or what happened in Minsk. C’mon we’ve been waiting here for 2 hours…"
Kramer "Yes, but Bette Midler….hootchie mama."
Newman "I don’t think you know her…"
(Bette Midler walks by)
Kramer "There she is…there she is."
(Bette Midler walks right past them, ignoring Kramer)
Kramer "Bette, yoo hoo! Bette! Bette?"
Newman "She didn’t even recognize you…I’ll get us a cab…Taxi!"
(Within a minute a cab pulls up)
Scene 4
(George at a job interview)
Jack Frumple: "So Mr. Costanza…you certainly have impressive credentials. Assistant traveling secretary to the New York Yankees (George nods)…hand model (George nods)… editor for Pendant publishing (George nods)… author of ‘La Cocina’ (George fidgets, then nods)…Marine biologist (George nods)…so…what made you want to become an architect?"
Scene 5
(Russell Darylymple and a Greenpeace officer, getting off a boat)
Officer "Congratulations. Mr Darylymple…mission accomplished. Your service with Greenpeace is done."
Russell "Thank you…very much."
Officer "What are you planning to do with your
life…"
Russell "Find Elaine Benes…" (walks away)
Scene 6
(Kramer and Newman in the cab) (Cabdriver is Jim Ignatowski)
Iggy: "Where to, boss?"
Kramer "129 W. 81st St…Mr…Ignatowski"
Iggy (into CB) "Hey boss, I got one."
Louie "Oh, goodie."
Iggy "Broadway and 44th to 129 W. 81st street…"
Louie "Congratulations, your first fare of the day…in more than four hours."
Iggy "I love you boss…" (Louie grunts)
Newman "You can’t let him treat you like that…that’s outrageous."
Iggy "Oh it’s nothing."
Kramer "Ignatowski…is this a Reverendship certificate…"
Iggy "Yeah…I just got it a few months ago…"
Kramer "The Church of the Living BeJesus…Hmm…I’m not familiar with that sect."
Iggy "I’m performing my first wedding tomorrow…a mass ceremony at the church. You guys should come, check out the experience. You could be my disciples…"
Kramer "Maybe…"
Newman "Where is this company you work for now…Sunshine cab…do they have any openings…"
Iggy "I can look into it…"
Newman "Ok, hey the light’s turning yellow."
Iggy "Yeah..What does a yellow light mean?
Scene 6A
(Frumple and George)
Frumple: "George, I think you have just the perspective that this firm is looking for. Welcome to Burns, Slotnick and Frumple. You’ll start as junior architect, working on smaller structures, assisting in project planning…but I have a feeling you’re partnership material.
(they shake hands)
George "Thank you so much. Good day Mr. Frumple. (leaves and is back on the street) I can’t believe it. I’m an architect. Finally!
(a passerby stops him)
Passerby "Excuse me…are you George Louis
Costanza."
George : "Yes?"
Passerby "This is for you."
George (looks over papers handed to him by passerby, who dissapears) "Huh…"
Scene 7
(Jerry and Elaine, Jerry on phone)
Jerry "Mom, I did it. I completed my Superman collection!"
Mrs. Seinfeld "Jerry. I’m so proud of you."
(buzzer rings)
Jerry "Oh, that’s George…Elaine could you get that…(Elaine answers the buzzer) Mom, George is coming up…I gotta go. Bye."
(door opens, George walks in, slams door)
George "I got problems Jerry, big problems!"
Jerry "What’s the matter?"
Elaine "What, did ya run out of floss or something?"
George "No…This is worse…much worse…I’m being sued!"
(George hands Jerry some papers)
Elaine "Well, I’ll be darned…"
George "I can’t believe this…"
Jerry "A class action lawsuit? Man…"
George "What did I do to deserve this?"
Jerry "Well it says here under the category basis for lawsuit…’We find the actions of George Costanza in his day to day living to be utterly repugnant."
(Elaine laughs.)
George "It’s not funny! Not funny! George isn’t liking this one bit…"
Jerry "We’ve got to get you a lawyer…"
Scene 8
(3 sets of attorneys (one unidentified, Perry Mason and Ally Mcbeal) are seen giving George and Jerry the boot, without any words being spoken)
(In Jackie Chiles office-George, Jerry and Jackie)
George "Jackie, you’ve got to help me. I’ve been to 27 different attorneys. None of them will take my case."
Jackie "And why is that?"
George "Honestly, I haven’t been able to figure it
out."
Jerry "Well Jackie, I think it could be… (looks at George) that they agree with the charges."
Jackie "Hmm…this is gonna be a tough one. Gentlemen…I’ll need a $50,000 retainer…"
George "How about $500?"
Jackie "Done!"
Scene 9
(Newman seen entering a building marked SUNSHINE CAB COMPANY)
Scene 10
(Jerry and Kramer in Jerry’s apartment)
Jerry "…so the depositions in George’s lawsuit
begin tomorrow."
Kramer "Jackie took the case?"
Jerry "Uh huh. So…the Divine Miss Midler didn’t recognize you, huh. Could that have something to do with the fact that she’s married?
Kramer "I don’t know Jerry. I did everything. I was wearing my lucky briefs. I smelled like ‘The Beach’…’’
Jerry "Still do…"
Kramer "It’s the Kavorka, Jerry…It may be wearing
off!"
Jerry "Can it do that?"
Kramer "This has never happened to me before, I don’t
know what I’m going to do…"
Scene 11
(Building labeled Mental Hospital)
("Crazy" Joe Davola and a doctor)
Doctor "Mr. Davola, I’m pleased to report that you
are 100% cured of any and all mental illness. Now you can get on
with your life."
Davola "Terrific…Goal number one…find Elaine
Benes…"
Scene 12
(Jerry and Kramer in Jerry’s apartment)
Kramer "I’ll see you later." (leaves, rather then doing an "entrance," does an "exit" stumbling out the door
Jerry (walks over to answering machine) "Hmm, another message." (presses play)
Message: "Hello, this is Daphne from Dr. Crane’s office…Dr. Frasier Crane. He wants to know if he can switch your appointment to Thursday night at 9. Switching time slots works out much better for him…Oh, I’m sorry. It looks like I have the wrong number. Very well."
(dial tone) (Jerry shakes his head)
Scene 13
(depositions begin)
Bubble boy "…so I said the answer was Moors…then, he physically attacked me."
Lawyer "He went inside the bubble…"
Bubble boy "Yes…"
George "It was Moops!"
Lawyer "Mr. Chiles, please restrain your client…"
Scene 14
Darylymple "…I caught him staring at my daughter’s cleavage…"
Lawyer "He took a cleavage peek?"
Darylmple "Yes. A poke (demonstrates) and a peek…"
Scene 15
(Sunshine cab company)
(Louis DePalma seen storming out of the building in a huff)
("Ding dong the witch is dead" playing in the background")
Voice of Marilu Henner "I’d like to welcome you to
the garage…I’m Elaine Nardo. Can I get a cab Mr.
Newman?"
Newman (in taxi dispatching cage) "Well, hello!"
Scene 16
(Kramer in his apartment)
Kramer (on phone) "Bette Midler’s room please…this is her manager, Martin Von Nostrand…damn…voicemail. Bette, it’s Kramer…look, I’m going to be attending a wedding…I want to see you again…please Bette…"
Scene 17
(Jimmy getting up out of bed)
Jimmy "Brand new day for Jimmy…Something’s missing with Jimmy…Jimmy’s gonna remember…Jimmy knows…Jimmy wants Elaine back…"
Scene 18
(back to the depositions)
Lawyer "and Mr. And Mrs. Ross…based on the fact that they bought the cheap wedding invitation envelopes and that Mr. Costanza is reknowned for degifting, what conclusion did you come to…"
Mrs. Ross "He killed our daughter!"
Lawyer "Your witness…"
(Jackie shakes his head)
Scene 19
(Kramer seen getting ready for the wedding, tries to call Bette Midler again)
Kramer "Hello…is Bette Midler there (dial tone) Hello?"
Scene 20
(Jerry and Elaine at Monks)
Jerry "So, what do you wanna do today?"
Elaine "I dunno."
Jerry "George is still tied up in
court…Kramer’s going to that wedding…"
Elaine "What church was it again?
Jerry "The Church of the Living BeJesus."
Elaine "Huh?"
Jerry "As in ‘You scared the BeJesus out of me.’
Elaine "Oh…wanna go to a movie?"
Jerry "Actually we could rent one. Plan 9 from Outer Space just came out on videotape"
Scene 21
(Back in court)
Art Vandelay "My name is Art Vandelay."
Lawyer "And what do you do for a living Mr. Vandelay?"
Vandelay "I’m an importer/exporter…I’ve also written a screenplay. Perhaps you’ve heard of it…"
Lawyer "And Mr. Costanza has stolen your identity?"
Vandelay "Yes."
Lawyer "I’m ready for my next witnesses…Frank
and Estelle Costanza."
(George seen with mouth ajar, testimony continues in background)
Jackie "George…this is trouble…I think we should try to settle."
Scene 21
(Kramer arrives at the wedding-. He keeps seeing people who know him)
Kramer "Sal…Sal Bass, how ya doing…Drake..yo…Drake…Poppy, got the job as caterer, huh? Keith Hernandez! Hey Keith, heard you quit smoking…"
Scene 22
(Jerry and Elaine begin watching Plan 9 from Outer Space)
(phone rings 4 times, jerry lets answering machine pick it up, voice is Wendie Malick, actress from Just Shoot Me)
Voice "Hey, Hank! It’s me, 9 o clock Thursday, right…oh damn. I dialed the wrong number. David…just shoot me
(Jerry and Elaine go back to watching the movie)
Scene 23
(George, Jackie and the lawyer)
Lawyer "Okay Mr. Costanza, here’s our settlemement
offer. The parties involved have agreed to drop the lawsuit. In
return, you will pay no damages…"
George "That’s great."
Lawyer "However they request that you leave."
George "Leave what?"
Lawyer "Leave the country."
George "What?"
Jackie "Immediately?
Lawyer "Yes."
Jackie "Sounds good to me. We’ll take it."
George "What?"
Scene 24
(Jerry and Elaine watching Plan 9 from Outer Space)
(phone rings again, answering machine picks up)
Voice: "Jerry, it’s Kramer…cmon Jerry I know
you’re there. Look, I’m at the wedding…I think you
guys might wanna get down here. She’s here Jerry…"
(Jerry runs and picks up the phone)
Jerry "What are you talking about Kramer? Oh…oh really. 15 minutes. Alright, we’ll be there." (hangs up)
Elaine "What’s going on?
Jerry "C’mon, we gotta get to the church…"
Elaine "Of the Living BeJesus? That’s at least an hour
away. You’d have to be faster then a speeding bullet to get
there."
(Jerry rips off his shirt, revealing a Superman uniform underneath)
Jerry "I can do it!"
Scene 25
(George in an airport terminal)
Attendant "How can I help you?"
George "I’d like a one way ticket…to Latvia,
please."
Scene 26
(at the wedding)
(Jimmy enters, takes a seat next to Russell Darylymple and Joe Davola)
Ignatowski "Ladies and Gentlemen. I’d like to welcome you to the Church of the Living BeJesus…We are gathered here today to join many in holy matrimony. First up, I would like to welcome a world famous entertainer who has agreed to perform before the ceremony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Bette Midler…"
(Bette Midler walks onto stage, piano begins the intro to "Wind Beneath My Wings")
(Kramer jumps up)
Kramer "Bette!"
Bette Midler "Kramer!"
(he runs up to the stage and they kiss passionately)
Scene 27
(George boarding the plane)
Announcement "Flight 77 now leaving for Latvia…"
Scene 28
(back to the wedding)
(Jerry and Elaine arrive with a whoosh)
Jerry "See, I told you I’d get us here in time."
Elaine "Yeah, but you messed up my hair…"
(Kramer comes running up with Bette Midler)
Kramer "Hey Jerry!"
Jerry "Kramer…hello Ms.Midler."
Bette "Hello, Jerry!"
Jerry "Still haven’t forgotten about the softball game,
huh?"
Elaine "Oh my god!"
Jerry "What?"
Elaine "Look over there…" (points to Jimmy,
Russell and Joe Davola)
Jerry "Wow, it’s Russell Darympyle, Joe
Davola…and Jimmy."
Kramer "Yep…Jerry…Bette and I, we’re getting
hitched."
Jerry "You’re what???"
Kramer "Yep. We’re tying the knot! Bette and I are
gonna move to California. She’s gonna produce "The
Keys" as a made for television picture. I’m going to
Hollywood, Jerry!"
Jerry "Wow!"
Kramer (whispers) "By the way, Elaine, our little
arrangement…It’s off!"
Elaine "Huh?"
Kramer "Remember, you agreed…if we’re not married
in 50 years, we’d do the deed. Well, yoyoma to
that…"
(Elaine shrugs)
Jerry "Wow, look over there…"
(Jerry points to a row of women standing and milling around- all
ex girlfriends of his)
Kramer "I told you Jerry, she’s here…"
Elaine "And look over there…it’s John F. Kennedy
Jr….and his wife, Caroline…Damn!"
Jerry "She is here…Kramer I’m gonna go do something…"
(Joe Davola, Russell and Jimmy all come walking up to Elaine)
All 3 "Hi Elaine!"
Elaine "Hi…guys"
Russell "Elaine, we’ve all got something to ask
you…"
Kramer "Giddyup!"
Scene 29
Ignatowski "It’s time to begin…"
(first wedding, music played, bride and groom enter)
Ignatowski "I now pronounce you husband and
wife…"
(camera pans to reveal the "close talker"(Judge
Reinhold) and the "low talker" (attired in a
"puffy shirt")
(they kiss and head offstage)
Scene 30
Ignatowski "Do you Sue Ellen Michke, heiress to the
O’Hare candy bar fortune, take this man to be your lawfully
wedded husband?"
Sue Ellen (wearing a bra as a top) "I do."
Ignatowski "And do you…the soup nazi? Do you take this
woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
Soup Nazi "I do!"
(wedding fades into background)
Elaine "Jerry…I think I’m gonna get married!"
Jerry "You too?"
Elaine "You know, all this time, the right person was
there…well not actually there…I just had to realize it
was him."
Jerry "I know, I couldn’t agree more."
(Kramer comes over)
Kramer "Well…I’ve come to say goodbye. After
the wedding, Bette and I are outta here…"
Jerry "Goodbye Kramer."
(Elaine starts to cry)
Jerry "Elaine! There’s no crying in
Seinfeld!!!"
Kramer "I’ll send for all my stuff."
Jerry "What about that thing you borrowed from me? Oh, never
mind…"
(man comes in, walks up to them)
Man "Are you Jerry Seinfeld?" (Jerry nods) "Telegram for you sir."
Jerry (reads) "Jerry, Elaine and Kramer…I have been asked to leave the country. As a result, I have decided once again to convert to Latvian Orthodox and moved to Latvia. I promise to write when I land. Best wishes, George…"
Kramer "They’re calling us. We’re up next…"
Scene 31
Ignatowski "Congratulations to the bride and groom…Cousin Jeffrey Seinfeld and Bob Sacamano (turns away)…not that there’s anything wrong with that"
(music plays, Kramer and Bette Midler step onto the dais)
Iggy "Do you, Bette Midler take this man to be your lawfully
wedded husband.?"
Bette "I do?"
Iggy "And do you Cosmo Kramer take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
Kramer "You bet I do!"
Iggy "Then by the power vested in me by the Church of the
Living Bejesus. I know pronounce you husband and wife. You may
kiss the bride."
(they kiss and run offstage)
Scene 32
(George gets off the plane)
Greeter "Welcome to Latvia, land of the eternally lost
souls…"
Scene 33
(wedding, Elaine on dais, audience can’t see who the man is)
Iggy "I now pronounce you man and wife…Congratulations!
(Elaine has a pained expression on her face)
(audience, including Keith Hernandez, Joel Rifkin, and Putty
all applaud)
Scene 34
(Jerry and an unidentified woman on the dais)
Iggy "And do you, Jerry take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Jerry "I do."
Iggy "Does anyone here object to this marriage?"
(Babu comes out of the crowd)
Babu "I do! I do! Jerry Seinfeld is bad man!" (dragged
away screaming by guards) Bad Man!"
Jerry (to bride) "Obviously some sort of a crazed
lunatic…"
Iggy "Then by the power vested in me by the church, I now
pronounce you husband and wife. Congratulations and thank you
Jerry for participating in this marvelous day."
Jerry "Oh you’re welcome…It was… nothing. (smiles) (kisses the bride)
(credits roll)
THE END
According to Jerry, he and Elaine have had sex
times.