EPISODE #807

 (alternatively titled: "Come on everyone, LET'S SPOOOOOON!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: What was with tonight's show? It reeked! THIS JUST IN - Justin left the house! Yes. The cameras captured a rare look at the boy outside of his natural habitat on Diamond Head Road.

Zzzzzz...... Oh, hello everybody. I'm terribly sorry, I must have fallen asleep during tonight's BORING episode of The Real World. We started off tonight's episode with Colin and Amaya in the kitchen. Amaya was rolling some dough into a phallic shaped object (so she'd have a new little toy to play with once the dough hardened, since she knew Colin wouldn't be giving it up anytime soon.) Amaya chased Colin all around the kitchen as they bickered back and forth how they didn't want to marry each other. Amaya resorted to using some of her fancy punches that she learned in kickboxing class - so Colin had to do it... he muffed up her hair, which sent her whining to a mirror. Cut to Colin and Amaya in the caravan. Colin said, "No lipstick next time! If you wear it next time you're not gonna get a kiss from me!" Hey Colin, my 79 year old grandmother doesn't wear lipstick - maybe I can hook the two of you up. And in one of the most humerous scenes of the season, Colin mimicked Amaya's plead for physical contact: "Spoooon me!!!" Yeah, I'd love to shove a spoon up her ASS right about now.

Ok.. um.. did you all see Teck's HIDEOUSLY UGLY joker/court jester hat? Wow, he is sooooo cool. I wonder if he'd be my friend. Um... yeah right. And what about his whore of the hour, Leilani? I'm sorry, but she looked more like a LARRY... hi, can you say "Man In Drag?" She looked like she just stepped foot off a Springer panel. Anyway, like she would have taken so much as a second look at Teck's nasty, scrawny ass if he didn't have 23875 cameras following him? I don't think so. Matt could barely contain his emotions as thoughts of Amaya and Leilani engaged in a liplock raced through his mind. He persuaded Amaya to go in for a closer look at the whore, which she did but not before grabbing her glasses (she looked hot, hot, hot!) And then she offered Teck a condom (since she obviously didn't have a use for them.)

Teck not only picks up men in drag, but he also tries to pick up girls while in the back of the caravan. He had his head out the window, screaming "Whoo Hoo girl, I'm a Korean too! Me so horny, me love you long time!" More importantly, JUSTIN was in the car! But, he just sat there with this humerous bored smirk on his face. And, eek, he was wearing this really tacky Hawaiian shirt. A really, really tacky Hawaiian shirt. Later that night, everyone crowded around the kitchen table to have a love-talk. Teck said "I've never been in love, but I've loved women enough to tell them to leave me alone - because I'm not the right man for them." Wow. I need to take a moment, that was just so profound. Ok, I'm over it. But where was Ruthie? She didn't even get 3 seconds of air time this episode. She must have been in the control room trading shots with the crew, who were in turn too wasted to compile sufficient footage to create an REMOTELY interesting episode.

Ah yes, next we got to hear Colin talking behind Amaya's back while on the phone with his buddy Trevor. He said, "Amaya's always sleeping in my bed, because her bed doesn't have a weiner in it." Well I think I found Amaya's problem - what kind of self-respecting girl sleeps with a weiner in her bed? Sheesh, if you're hungry, just walk 10 feet to the kitchen and get some food. That IS what Colin was talking about, right? <g>

After the first commercial break, we got to meet Teck's NEXT Whore of the Hour, Andrea. With that whole red bandana thing she had going on, she looked like a cross between Aunt Jemima and a chimneysweep (minus about 200 pounds and a whole bunch of soot.) Teck said she had a "glow" about her that sucked him in. How romantic. Guess what she does for a living? She's "a yoga instructor, a massage therapist, an artist, AND a musician." She's also a genetic entineer, a neurophysicist, and a brain surgeon on the side. After watching Teck and Whore of the Hour #2 tool around for what felt like an eternity, we got to catch a glimpse of Margaret in a confessional. The old black feather boa reared it's ugly head once again! It must have crawled out from the rock it was hiding under. Joy.

Next we got to meet Teck's parents, Tecumshea Sr. and Kathy. That would indicate that Teck's REAL name is "Tecumshea Jr." Boy, the kids in elementary school must have had a field day with that one. Tecum Rectum! Ah, wait, I'm starting to feel like Colin and Amaya. I must stop. Anyway, Teck laid his mother and his father (har har) in the airport when he picked them up. Matt and Amaya then went out for Chinese food. I don't know - but I see a pattern here. I think Matt just has a chopstick fetish. And hey, you've gotta love a guy who loves lesbians and chopsticks. And how about a random observation: Why does Matt talk so slow... so monotone and emotionless? He always sounds like he's whispering. Somebody needs to light a fire under that boy's ass.

AHH - THE HORROR - we had to watch ANOTHER hammock scene! Amaya, in her whinest voice ever, said "Don't be so mean to me! Let everyone else see the emotional sides of you that I get to see! Do you have anything to say about that?" and Colin replied, "Umm.... not really!" HAHAH. Jellyfish have more of a backbone than Colin does. Anyway, Tecumshea Jr said, "My dad was tough raising me, but it all paid off." Yeah, it sure did! Wow, I can only HOPE my son will grow up to be a nudist pimp-wannabe, who is afraid of commitment and homosexuals, just like TECK!

Teck told Margaret he could never marry a white girl... and that he needed to marry someone who was "oppressed like he was." And then he went on for a good two minutes describing it in more detail. OH MY GOD, SHUT UP. That's got to be one of the most retarded things I have ever heard. I was waiting him to bring up the whole "race" issue. Cut to the next scene, Teck kissing Andrea goodbye. Here we have a nice girl who seems to have her head on her shoulders, and, DING DING DING, she's black... but still, what does Teck say? "I'm a wild guy. I know once I see something else that I like, I gotta go for it!"

Next we see Colin and Amaya on a dinner date. Colin said, "I'm paying for you so you can have whatever you want cause it's our first date!" Amaya decided to order a salad, so the twins wouldn't get any bigger. But hey, wait a minute, I think they've had a breakthrough. Halilujah, someone give that boy a gold star. And finally, we got to witness Colin and Amaya slow dancing to some really happenin' piano music! The camera focused on Amaya's eyelids, and I couldn't help but shriek in horror at the tremendous amount of white eyeshadow covering them. Eek. And then the two lovebirds kissed again. But once again, I'm sorry, but I must pick on the kiss! They just touch their lips together, but don't even MOVE! We all thought the tape had accidentally been "freeze-framed" - but no.

While the credits were rolling, we got to see Matt at dinner with these 3 random women... he was telling stories about life in the real world house, and the girls were just giggling wildly. I didn't understand it, because MATT WASN'T SAYING ANYTHING FUNNY. Must be all that "charm" they talked about in the casting special. HAHAHA.

Next week: Stay tuned, cause Justin gets pissy about homosexuality and the camera finally captures him speaking!

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI awards!

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: Wow, this is tough - since both Ruthie AND Margaret were out of the picture! After careful deliberation, I select TECK as this week's most annoying character. I can't shake the image of his nasty, scrawny, bony ass trying to pick up women while in the back of the caravan. I think I speak for all girls out there when I say - "Ain't nothin' like a dork in the back of a caravan to make my head turn!"  HAHAH right.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Colin's interpretation of Amaya asking for "spoonage" was downright PAINFUL... which can only mean one thing - he is this week's winner for most vomit-worthy comment!

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, DON'T KEEP WIENERS IN YOUR BED!!!!!!

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"I could never marry a white girl!"