EPISODE #818

 (alternatively titled: "She's b-a-a-c-k!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: What's up everybody. MTVixen Michelle here (Jill's younger sister). Jill's out of town this week, so it was either no review or my review. This is my first (and only) time writing a RW review, so bear with me. I figured it's better than nothing...

Oh yeah... those Real World producers sure knew how to set the mood for Ruthie's return. Open up the show with a beautiful sunset scene, then quickly cut to some bums mopping the street and living out of a bag. You guys are geniuses! First, we were forced to listen to Matt and Teck talking about the much awaited return of the drunken sloth herself, Ruthie. Like we would expect, Matt seemed very excited as he muttered, "I think she is coming back with an open mind.". Matt is also hoping Ruthie returns with open legs, too. But save those barf bags for later, because Ruthie is back, and hairier then ever.

Ruthie told Matt that they "talked to her about her dreams" in AAA. I personally think someone signed poor Ruthie up for the latest Stewart Smally seminar: "I'm dirty enough, I'm hairy enough, and gosh darn it, Matt likes me!!" Ruthie also claimed "the women didn't want me leave!" This excited Matt even more, which in return forced him to make the most vomit-worthy comment I've heard in a while: "Wow, seeing you... I feel like I'm seeing a star." Yeah, and I feel like I'm about to pull an Amaya and go lose my dinner in the toilet. NASTY. And speaking of nasty, it seems Ruthie and Teck are fighting over a woman, named Malo. She was safely tucked away under the sheets, decked out in Ruthie's Rutgers t-shirt. Hmm, who's "in love with Jess forever" now, hmm?

Cut to Colin on the phone with his ex. She told Colin she had a "sex dream" about him. This, of course, seemed to brighten up his day, but it wasn't having the same effect on Amaya and the twins. Oddly enough, it made them hungry. So, being in the good mood that he was in, Colin offered them rice and chicken.. water.. gummy bears... and last but not least, a big heaping spoonful of cyanide. Amaya refused, and decided her stomach was now a 'psychosomatic issue." First, she "has that problem with her heart again", and now she's having issues with her stomach, too? Eek. Let's all make a silent prayer and just hope she never checks "organ donor" on her license.

Ruthie is back at the house where Matt generously handed her some gifts he got for her in India... an ashtray, some cheap vodka, and a book entitled: "How To Make Matt Happy.. and Malo Can Come Too." The gifts seemed to snap Ruthie back to her old self again. She decided to rip off her top and walk around wearing only the rank black underwear. After Malo and Ruthie took a quick dip in the pool, Ruthie spoke of how their relationship was "not a traditional one." Wow, you don't say? And I thought hairy lesbians who walked around topless were the norm nowadays. I think I even saw an episode of the Brady Bunch where Marsha was involved with the same thing. Oh well. Teck had his own two cents to add: "The only reason Malo is at the house is to get at Teck money." Sure Teck, keep telling yourself that. We all know Malo was really at the house to get a closer look at just what the hell Kaia sticks to her forehead. Are they dead butterflies? Pieces of shredded pork from Colin's leftover Chinese food? Inquiring minds want to know.

Cut to Teck singing 'The Greatest Love of All' at the Local Motion. It was so terrible that the RW editors were forced to cut to the clean queens themselves, Kaia and Ruthie. Just another episode to prove Kaia really needs to learn the modern wonder of personal hygiene. Ever get a glimpse of her forehead? I am beginning to wonder if maybe Ruthie accidentally replaced Kaia's bindhi glue with some of that nasty hair grease she wears. Meanwhile, Teck, Matt, Ruthie and Malo are having a classy time at a strip club called 'Golden Dolls'. Teck talks of how he has 'something Ruthie doesn't have.' Yeah Teck, ya mean more then one pair of underwear?

Ahh, a brand new day, and what better way to brighten up your morning then to talk about vomit. At the breakfast table Amaya told the roommates that she used to have bulemia because her ex boyfriend called her chubby. Now that's a good reason to puke your guts up, don't you all agree? Cut to Kaia and Matt talking about Amaya. They seem to think she is a bulemic. Wow, ya think guys? Where did you get that idea? Was it from... AMAYA herself? Nooo.

Onto Colin sharing his usual words of wisdom. This time it was the profound - "Malo means bad in Spanish!" But what does Colon know, he also thinks "Teck" is Spanish for "man who likes bisexuals who are into hairy women'. No need to worry guys, because what Colin doesn't know won't hurt him... (unless we are talking about Amaya and the twin's STD's.) I'm beginning to think that mole on his face, isn't really a mole if you catch my drift <<shudder>>. Colin also used the word 'wiener' again.. "If I had a nickel for every time Colin said the word wiener I'd be a rich rich woman."

Ruthie was having problems of her own. She was getting jealous because she thought Malo was sexually attracted to Teck. "I know what you are thinking," she told Malo. Woa, Ruthie knows what people are thinking, but she doesn't know enough to change her underwear? Her black thong made another show stopping appearance tonight. Yes, they have made more appearances then the killer shark did in 'Jaws'. Ruthie may be on to something because Malo showed up at Local Motion to see Teck. Ruthie suddenly realized it could never work out, and broke up with her because Ruthie "just wanted to be Ruthie for a while." Darn, I was so hoping she'd try to be someone else for a while. Maybe someone who knows how to make proper use of a razor, and a bar of soap.

Cut to Teck fooling around with something.. No, it's not Malo, it's a radio. The cast sat around and listened to Matt talk about eating disorders on his radio show. This perked Amaya's interest. Before long, she was on the phone with Matt giving him the A B C's of anorexia. She told him to do his research on the subject first, before talking about it. Rumor has it Matt heeded her advice and has last been seen on 44th and Broadway. Apparently he is down to 90 lbs and he has been walking around nude wearing a sign that says, 'I'm fat, dammit!'

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: I've gotta give this to whiny Amaya, once again. She says she's over Colin, yet she complains to anyone who will listen about her "psycho-somatic" stomach problems? Go see a shrink, girl, and get a grip.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: I HATE MATT. I wanted to "reach out and VIOLENTLY touch someone" when he told Ruthie, "Seeing you... I feel like I'm seeing a star!"  

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"It's psycho-somatic!"