EPISODE #821

 (alternatively titled: "HEY DOODLES! Everyone hates your daughter!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: Am I the only one out there thoroughly REVOLTED by the clip of Margie kissing Matt in next week's episode? <violent shudder> Where did this "interest" in Matt suddenly come from?? Has the lack of food combined with bindhi glue vapor caused Margie to suffer even MORE brain damage? Still, I don't know who to pity more. Matt, for having to kiss Margie, the human marionette... or Marge, for having to kiss the most droll, obnoxious male on the face of the Earth. I think it's a tie.

Ah yes, another week, another episode of the Real World. Tonight's episode started with the introduction of Tony, another one of Colin's idiotic, braindamaged, boring friends (are you beginning to see the pattern here or what?) Colin took him on yet another tour of the house. "This is the bat we beat Matt with when he says something stupid. This is the Lysol I spray my bed with to keep Amaya's girl cooties away. And THIS is Teck's penis-enlarging machine. Lets try it out!" Poor Colin didn't realize that he actually had to HAVE a penis in order to use the machine, so his fun was cut short.

Amaya won the prize for most obnoxious use of a Beach Boys lyric when she said Tony had "Good Vibrations." Amaya didn't realize that the vibrations weren't from Tony at all. Actually, the floors were shaking because Marge was performing a ritual bindhi dance to summon Matt's love. Hmm, I wonder if it will work.  Meanwhile, Tony and Amaya were making googly eyes at each other like two 6th graders who just realized flirting was more fun than eating paste. Colin was looking greener than Matt's terrycloth shirt as he fiddled around on the computer by himself. He must have been doing some research on his favorite website, www.weinerville.com.  Colin turned to the cameras and said, "It's so obvious Tony and Amaya are going to hook up." I wonder if Colin realizes it's also obvious that he's a raving homosexual ("NOT that there's anything wrong with that!")

Ring, Ring! Malo called for Ruthie and told her to come over because she "got her a gift."  Turns out she got her a nude pic of Chelsea Clinton and a book entitled "How To Drink Ted Kennedy Under The Table."  The two then listened to that overplayed "Kiss Me" song as they ran their fingers through each other's gross, unwashed hair. Aww, how, uhh, romantic.

Tony was definitely an attractive guy. However, I've seen inanimate objects with higher IQ's. He's the epitome of the stupid jock we all knew in college who slams his head into walls to fall asleep at night  (wait, am I the only one who knew a stupid jock in college who did that? Hmm...)  Anyway, I'm sure he'd be great to have around if you needed to open a really stubborn jar of pickles... just don't ask him to do something challenging, like getting water to boil. In any event, Tony spent the duration of his time in the house with Amaya instead of with Colin. This made Colin more upset than he was the day he found out his high school classmates voted him "Most Likely To Stalk A Backstreet Boy."  Colin had an attitude for the rest of the episode: "Wahhh, my friend won't play hide and seek with me!! He'd rather hang out with some dumb girl than play Chutes And Ladders in the treehouse!"  

Cut to Colin in the confessional, where he said, "Amaya is attracted to anyone with a a twig and berries."  Stop. Rewind tape. Yep, Colin really said "twig and berries." That is, without a doubt, one of the most idiotic, laugh-out-loud comments I've ever heard. At least he didn't say "wiener." Anyway, Tony and Amaya slept in the same bed, and they "fell asleep talking." Right. And Matt is a wonderful lover. And Margie sits down to pee. And the moon is made of cheese. You get the point.

Cut to Marge, Matt, Colin, and Ruthie talking about Amaya behind her back. Matt said, "I try to be nice to Amaya but then I find out all this crap she does." Marge said, "She purposely tried to hurt Colin and that disgusts me." [Okay, there will be no humor in the remainder of this paragraph so, be warned.]  Are these people for real? I look at these morons and I see four losers who need to shut the hell up and get their own damn lives. Tony was hot, and Amaya was attracted to him. Big deal. Colin is the one who "dumped" Amaya. And if he had a problem with the two spending time together, he could have opened his mole-infested mouth and said something to Tony. Additionally, Amaya didn't do anything that the rest of the roommates didn't do. Marge screwed Justin, and Matt screwed Ruthie. And remember how much Colin simply LOVED telling Amaya about the sex dream his ex had about him? Please. We've ALL heard these losers talking crap about other roommates behind their backs. Therefore, there is one simple conclusion: these are four of the most ungrateful, obnoxious, hypocritical little bitches on the face of the planet.  END RANT.

Amaya followed Colin around the kitchen for several moments, but he wouldn't even give her the time of day. He was probably too distracted by the frighteningly GIANT piece of corn on the cob he was about to eat. Did you guys see this thing? It was other-worldly. So yeah, either Colin was an organic farmer in a past life, or he was finding some other uses for Teck's penis-enlarging machine... hmm...

[note: there were baaad storms in the northeast last night. I was hoping I wouldn't lose power, but of course, I did. Right here. A friend filled me in, but I apologize for the lack of detail from this point forward. Damn those thunderstorms!]

No one in the house would talk to Amaya. And who can blame them, after that whole "blister" scare last week? Eek. Amaya had a breakdown after three of the fish jumped out of the tank to laugh in her face, so she called Moodles and cried to her for several boring minutes. After she hung up, Matt told Amaya everyone hated her because she talked behind people's backs. Just then, a HUGE meteor slammed into the house, obliterating everything and everyone in its path! Oh wait, damn, I was just having another one of those pesky Real World fantasies again.  Finally, the infamous words scrolled across the bottom of the screen... "To Be Continued..."  Oh, I'm holding my breath, can't you tell?

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Hawaii drama to an end.

Be SURE to take some Pepto Bismol before watching next week's show - watching Matt and Margie hook up should be enough to make even those of us with the strongest stomachs feel queasy...

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: It's a three-way tie... Colin, Margie, and Matt, for blowing things WAY out of proportion. Now, I'm no "fan" of Amaya's, but she clearly did nothing to justify the rotten crap she got from these 3 losers.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Colin gets the award this week for uttering the words, "Why stand in line for seconds, your friend has already been there!"  Ugh - grow up. And slop some cover-up on that mole. You're scaring small children and farm animals all over the world.

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"...attracted to twig and berries?!?!"