Top Ten Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Minute-Man
10. Your dry cleaner charges extra for removing ectoplasm stains
9. You try to get in touch with your inner child, only to find out that
you have actually been possessed
8. Grumpy children, because none of the other kids will play the "My
daddy can beat up your daddy" game with them
7. Certain teammates refuse to come over for your yearly fish fry
6. Frequent flyer miles don't count in outer space or in other dimensions
5. Weeding through applications from aspiring heroes like Mucous Lad,
Prehensile Nose-Hair Gal, and Paul Shaffer
4. At cocktail parties, no one believes you when you tell them what you
do for a living
3. Constantly asked why David Copperfield isn't on the team
2. Being the only parent at your kids' school night in tights
1. Known as the only team in history to be funded by Uncle Ben's
The measure, which limits usage of the Panama Canal only to countries that comply with his so-called "Bill of Humanity," has only denied access to the canal to China, North Korea and Iraq, but the first official "upgrade" of his guidelines are scheduled to occur in July, denying several other countries access.
The United States has yet to make an official comment on the situation, but sources in the White House say that the President is not happy with the Sovereign's recent diplomatic actions.
In the past, President Clinton has stated that the Sovereign's rule over Panama is "questionable," but he has kept relations between the United States and Panama friendly. It is unknown what effects the "Human Rights Initiative" will have on future relations.
The Iraq government has already threatened war against the Central American country, but the Sovereign's response has been glib, stating, "If Iraq wishes to begin a campaign of violence against this nation, I will defend these people, and this nation's boarders, with my life. Under no circumstances should basic human rights be sacrificed because of the actions of one bully."
Ashburn, only 14-years old, promises that full-featured applications for the Adapt OS will hit stores next week, which most industry watchers feel will deliver the killing blow to the Seattle-based computer giant, dropping Microsoft into the number 2 position.
"Adapt is a wonderful system for the computer," Bill Gates is quoted as saying, "but it utilizes technology and programming techniques far beyond those of traditional computer languages. While this seems appealing at first, the American public should be careful to evaluate possible security concerns, before switching over. Microsoft isn't out of this yet."
"I can't figure it out," Sheriff Terrence Linderson, says. "It seems like everyone in the whole state has seen the guy."
Although there have been several reports, no one has managed to get a picture yet, leading many to speculate that Colonel Force is destined to become the nation's newest, favorite dead celebrity, even surpassing Elvis sightings.
Reprinted below, in its entirety, is Kimberly's exclusive talk with the man, as requested by many of our readers:
March 18th, 1995
Dinner With A Titan: An Interview With The Sovereign
The Sovereign has long been a subject of both awe and fear for most of the world, but in this week's ParaNews Profile, he speaks at length with Kimberly Schmidt, in his first full-length interview. The two met for dinner at a stylish New York restaurant.
Kimberly Schmidt (KS): I'm sure that many people are wondering why you have chosen to open up now, of all times. Your recent overthrow of the government of Panama hasn't made you very popular within the global community.
The Sovereign (Sov): Yes, my motivations do seem suspect, don't they? And yes, I have been somewhat vilified as of late, because of my actions in Central America. I find it curious how quickly people forget the human rights violations that were perpetrated against the people of Panama, by Carlos Vigil and his regime.
KS: You've brought up the human rights violations before but none of your allegations have been proven before the United Nations.
Sov: It serves no purpose to parade the inhumanities suffered upon the citizens of Panama before the people of the world. Nothing can be gained by further victimizing the Panamanians by using them as pawns in some political power struggle. If the United Nations deem my actions as unacceptable, I will face their charges... alone.
KS: And you're willing to abide by any U.N. decision regarding your role as the new self-appointed leader of Panama?
Sov: It was never my intention to lead the Panamanians... only to restore their right to choose for themselves. Once stability has been assured I plan to step down and allow them to elect their own leader.
KS: With a name like "the Sovereign" it seems like you already decided on a role as a leader. Your actions in Panama back up your reputation. How can we be sure that you will do as you claim... return the rule of Panama back to its citizens?
Sov: I have always been truthful in my words and my actions. Yes, I have decided to play a role as a leader... but I wish only to lead humanity into an age where they can decide their own fates. I do not wish to be a tyrant or to rule, merely to be an aid in bringing about a time when petty, cruel men are not in a position to decide the fate of those around them.
KS: Your appearance at the Minute-Men Memorial Ceremony certainly caused a stir.
Sov: I felt it was appropriate. Although we have been separated in the past by philosophical differences, I have always held a degree of respect for them. It is a shame that they were called before we had a chance to interact on a more intellectual level. I would have enjoyed meeting them off of the battlefield.
KS: Rumors have been circulating about your relationship with Margritte Robbins, the former leader of the Minute-Men.
Sov: Yes, I've heard some of them. (He laughs) Some of them are quite entertaining.
KS: Is there any truth to them?
Sov: If you are asking whether or not there is a romantic relationship between Ms. Robbins and I, the answer is no. We are friends.
KS: So you're available then?
Sov: Ms. Schmidt, you are scandalous! (He laughs again)
KS: On a more serious note, how do you feel about being voted the "Most Dangerous Man Alive" by Time magazine?
Sov: It is unfortunate that my actions have created such negative viewpoints. I have merely done what other countries were not able to do... no country in the world could afford to forcibly remove General Vigil from Panama... even the United States. By taking care of Vigil and his regime on my own, I have saved the lives of countless troops, who might have otherwise perished in a battle with the Panamanian forces.
KS: So, you think of yourself as a hero?
Sov: No, of course not. I think of myself as merely someone with the ability to make the changes that are needed. Nothing more.
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