Who's Saint Valentine?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a new religion in possession of a good number of martyrs ready to die for it must be in want of a full holiday schedule.

And there it was: a new, trendy little institution filling up with "Christian beliefs." And like the hottest new trendier-than-thou spot in Manhattan, strangers were already out there -- dying to get in. Literally. The Roman emperors didn't know about hiring bouncers with attitude and rigging up red velvet ropes that keep fanatics out so, following a time-honored local custom instead, they threw the early Christians to the lions [as cheering well-dressed crowds watched] or ran them through with swords, beheaded them, flayed them, even grilled them. Naturally, even more individuals tried their best to be persecuted and put to death in those days before quotas and the Equal Opportunity Commission. Even minors tried; Saint Agnes, virgin-martyr, was put to death at age 12 for refusing to denounce her faith.

Saint Polycarp and the martyrs: That is why the first Christians to be recognized as saints were martyrs, those who had died for their "witness" [i.e., martus in Greek] and, as with most things in Western Civ, it was a male-dominated confraternity. The earliest Christian martyr to be persecuted and put to death was Saint Polycarp. Although his name has never seemed to catch on with the authors of What Shall We Name the Baby?, Polycarp was the first one to be out there with a ghost-written "tell all" biography compiled around 167 -- the year, not the manuscript page limit -- and how many want to bet that at least a few "exaggerations" crept into this posthumous second-hand account with no student interns around to proofread it?

These hagiographies were frequently called "passions" and offered intimate info about this holy person's life and the miracles attributed to him [or her], which indicates that even in ancient times, a cult of celebrity was all around and didn't depend on things like being photographed by the paparazzi, dating members of the royal family, eating lunch with Ivana Trump at Le Cirque, being videotaped having sex with an elderly ex-gridiron great like Frank Gifford, nor appearing live at 5 on tabloid-trash-TV with someone as excruciatingly embarrassing as Geraldo Rivera.

And hey! Why not? Even without having a full holiday schedule yet to tempt followers, the early Christian leadership could see they had a winner on their hands: a strong word-of-mouth "buzz" for this new religion with low overheads and all these fanatics dying to get in.

Nicholas of Myra and the saints: Being persecuted was getting to be too popular, too trendy, thus in 313 the Edict of Milan put an end to that. Well! New heroes had to be created another way since eccentric, high-profile role-models [such as saints or martyrs or rebels such as Marlon Brando] are such a large part of the pull, the magnetism, the charm, and the public relations machinery of any up-start new belief system [like Hollywood's old star system] or a new religion. Therefore, the church fathers began to recognize the deeds of dead, formerly high-profile bishops as saints [i.e., sanctus in Latin for "holy person"]. This practice, which made most females ineligible, elevated males such as Martin of Tours [died 397], Augustine of Hippo [died circa 430], Cyril of Alexandria [died circa 444], and the shadowy fourth century Nicholas of Myra, who became wildly popular as the patron saint of children.

Inventing the "God Squad": If you thought that children were nothing more than under-aged, politically disenfranchised non-voters and cheap farm helpers, then think again. Once word spread that the Christians had a "God squad" patrolled by this new patron saint, Nicholas of Myra, who required good behavior in exchange for decent gift-giving, fourth century parents began brainwashing their youngsters into the illusion that this dead saint was busy keeping track of everybody: who was naughty, who was nice. It's true that no plastic lawn ornaments had yet been invented to resemble Saint Nick, whose feast day is December 6th (the day he died), but his legendary reputation was becoming a little too popular in the ancient world. Like Elvis Presley would turn out to be, here was a one man tourist attraction, after all.

Bari Adopts Santa Claus & Builds His Cathedral: Consequently, some gutsy Apulians gamely stole the corpse of Nicholas from Myra (with all its relics), parked his decaying body in Bari, and built a cathedral for him. The Italian tour guides knew they had a revenue generator for life even though the commercialism and retail frenzy surrounding St. Nick was still in its infancy. The Jews took a look at all this action but refused to adopt any of these super-heroes, reasoning that a graven image of a person amounted to idolatry. [The Muslims have kept graven images out of their religion, too.] Of course, it's also true that the Jews were already enjoying the benefits of being part of a well-established religion with its full holiday schedule completely worked out. They were not rebels jump-starting a new religion and they already had their tourist attractions in hand. How much better does it get than having a lock on the Holy Land, right?

But if you live in Bari, Italy, and you've just disassociated yourself from Greece and no one's running over to your city to pray and shop, well then: your region needs a viable commercial centerpiece. And it needs a feast day because una festa can attract visitors. One night of savvy grave-robbing was eventually forgotten about. Nicholas was splendidly installed in his new home, a great Cathedral, and almost every Eastern Orthodox parent names one son after the well-born saint who came from Asia Minor [Patara, Lycia], who has been an inspiration to shoppers forever after, and whose name has always been a chart-topper with the authors of What Shall We Name the Baby?.

Lupercalia Honored a Roman deity, Lupercus, mid-February:
Flashback to ancient pagan times. Many years before Polycarp lived, wolves prowled outside Rome, killing any sheep who strayed beyond city walls as well as some citizens. In mid-February, Romans would make offerings to a deity Lupercus, guardian of the flocks, to protect them. Though February 15th was devoted to this divine, gradually Lupercus became less important and his holiday evolved into ceremonies honoring Juno, queen of the Roman gods. Since Juno ruled over marriage, the holiday paid tribute to love. A Roman ritual involved boys drawing names of girls who would be their partners during the feast, a cheaper alternative than running a personal ad.

By 496 AD, Christianity had become very powerful. Pope Gelasius, who headed the church, was looking to replace Roman gods and pagan feasts. Conveniently, records indicated that someone called Valentinus had been martyred in mid-February [circa 269]; Pope Gelasius re-invented the holiday for his own sect by honoring Saint Valentine on this day.

Give Me a : The first representation of Saint Valentine appeared in a The Nuremberg Chronicle, a great illustrated book printed in 1493. [Additional evidence that Valentine was a real person: archaeologists have unearthed a Roman catacomb and an ancient church dedicated to Saint Valentine.] Alongside a woodcut portrait of him, text states that Valentinus was a Roman priest martyred during the reign of Claudius the Goth [Claudius II]. Since he was caught marrying Christian couples and aiding any Christians who were being persecuted under Emperor Claudius in Rome [when helping them was considered a crime], Valentinus was arrested and imprisoned. Claudius took a liking to this prisoner -- until Valentinus made a strategic error: he tried to convert the Emperor -- whereupon this priest was condemned to death. He was beaten with clubs and stoned; when that didn't do it, he was beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate [circa 269].

Saints are not supposed to "rest in peace"; they're expected to keep busy: to perform miracles, to intercede. Being in jail or dead is no excuse for non-performance of the supernatural. One legend says, while awaiting his execution, Valentinus restored the sight of his jailer's blind daughter. Another legend says, on the eve of his death, he penned a farewell note to the jailer's daughter, signing it, "From your Valentine. "

By 1400, February 14th was celebrated throughout Europe as love's holiday.
In the 1990s in the United States, Americans were spending over $1 billion on valentines and candy hearts or flowers. Who can say for sure if there aren't even a few wolves getting in on the fun? And now, please: "Eat Me!"

Who made the first valentine card? Click if you're ready for more on the history and symbols of Valentine's day.

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Who's Saint Valentine?

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