GONE RETRO MAGAZINE

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Al's PSYCHOBILLY RANTS

What do we do here? WE RANT! We bop! We rant and bop!

Here's Al'S

RANT #1 : The Elvis "Video Tour"

How many of you folks actually paid to see the Elvis Video Tour the first, then the second, or even the third time around? Here's the original release for the first go- round.

MEMPHIS, Tenn.--(ENTERTAINMENT WIRE)--Jan. 8, 1998--"Elvis - The Concert" will hit the road for an eight-city/10-show U.S. tour in March, it was announced Thursday by officials at Graceland/Elvis Presley Enterprises Inc. The late Elvis Presley, via the magic of video, will sing lead vocal in a splashy concert production that recreates the excitement of Elvis live in concert. To maximize the experience, Elvis' own concert musical director and conductor, Joe Guercio, will lead a 16-piece orchestra and Elvis' own original concert tour cast, all performing live on stage with the video-projected Elvis. The original concert cast consists of: male vocal group J.D. Sumner & the Stamps, female vocal group the Sweet Inspirations, soprano Millie Kirkham and the TCB Band, which was Elvis' concert rhythm group consisting of James Burton, Glen D. Hardin, Jerry Scheff and Ronnie Tutt.

"Elvis' presence on screen is so strong, the interaction with his live band mates so seamless, and the audience reaction so intense, that, one or two songs into the show, you forget that Elvis isn't really there in person," stated Todd Morgan of EPE, who crafted the show's original concept and is part of the production team. It's like he's really back in the building."

 

ASTOUNDING!!

WHOA, BACK UP? Don't know about you, but aren't the old records, current CDs, movies, and books ENOUGH? To me, This smacks of "VIDEODROME", a sci-fi flick in which dead people were still considered "alive" simply because their taped images were shown on TV screens. (I suggest you get a hold of the movie, if you haven't seen it already. It's the greatest movie ever made.)

I thought it was interesting when RCA released Elvis' remix of "A Little Less Conversation", in which offered inconvertible proof, that deep down, Elvis was probably a RAPPER. But nothing has topped this video deal yet.

Rather than belabor the point that this latest money making scheme probably represents the height of necrophilia and Greed, I'll play along and pretend this isn't actually the most bizarre concept I have ever seen carried out. To paraphrase Elvis, "It never fails to amaze me baby".

Sure, I realize that this might be the only chance folks born after Elvis' passing may ever get to see the King "Live". But, things are just getting a little out of hand, as far as I can see it.

Having recovered from my initial shock, I decided to go see the show.

VERY IMPRESSIVE. TWO THUMBS UP. I LOVED IT!!!!!!

Here's a review of the show

THE LIST

1. Through a clever manipulation of live action versus Video edits, Priscilla Presley, IN PERSON, and the Elvis Video Image appeared at the show together, in which she and Elvis exchanged Wedding Vows again. This voided their previous divorce during Elvis' lifetime. Lisa Marie, El's daughter, wanted to join her dad in a duet, but Elvis said, "No thanks, I can't understand the words when you sing". (Note: This was to his daughter who refused to answer questions about Elvis when interviewed on TV talk shows by explaining, "My memories of my father are private moments shared between me and him, so I don't want to discuss them". Of course, when interviewed on the Howard Stern's show, when Howard asked Lisa if she likes to do "Anal", Lisa Marie quickly answered, "Yes, I do". So, let me get this right, asking Lisa Marie to share memories of Elvis with the public is WRONG, but asking her if she enjoys being sodomized is RIGHT? )

2. Buddy Holly's casket was flown in, and the remaining members of his group the CRICKETS performed live, as Elvis and Buddy performed their first duet ever, of "BABY LET'S PLAY HOUSE". You won't want to miss this once in a "death time" event. Note" Of course, Buddy and the Crickets still weren't on speaking terms, even after all these years. Perhaps it's because the current lineup of THE CRICKETS do not permit bookers to introduce them as "Buddy Holly's great band". It's true. When introducing THE CRICKETS at live shows, any mention of Buddy Holly is forbidden).

3. For a rousing stage finale, the late Patsy Cline, Floyd Cramer, Sonny Bono, Johnny Horton, Jimi Hendrix, Humprey Bogart, Marty Robbins, Greta Garbo, Albert Einstein, rapper TUPAC, Dwight D. Eisenhower, and other assorted older and more recently dead stars joined Elvis in a enthusiastic sing along of "YOU GAVE ME A MOUNTAIN", leading to a wonderful group enthusiastic sing along of "WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN", which Owen Bradley and Chet Atkins, two recently deceased famous Nashville pioneers, supervised for this mixed media presentation. The late Colonel Parker also appeared to present Elvis with various gold records for all the CDS that have sold in excess of a million since Elvis' "real time" death in August of 1977.

4. In a mock gunfight, Elvis shot TUPAC, at which time Elvis down on the floor, breaking up with hysterical laughter. "Sorry, man, I thought you were Michael Jackson." During that fake duel, Janet Jackson ran back and forth across the stage, nude, her hooters bouncing up and down like giant flubber balls of semi-soft plastic.

5. The late President Nixon flew in to give Elvis a plaque for his wonderful drug enforcement work, and of course, they performed "MY WAY" together, with Dick sitting in at the piano (with support from the late Floyd Cramer, both of whose hands were digitally programmed to "play" by technicians from Disneyland and Jim Henson's Muppets). for this event.  There was a super JAM too, recreating both the "MILLION DOLLAR QUARTET" sessions, except Johnny Cash was actually there to sing along this time, instead of only appearing in the group photograph. All four Beatles also joined in on some jam songs that they had done in Elvis' house during the early Sixties in Hollywood. Through a mixed marketing effort, RCA and EMI records will each release a portion of the show via a 2 volume CD, the first which appear on RCA this next year. Paul McCartney has announced that the EMI releases will be overdubbed further by his groups WINGS, and the late Linda Eastman will perform an off key duet with Elvis on "LOVE ME TENDER", which will be a bonus track on the CD.

6 John Lennon made a guest appearance, joined by his sons Julian and Sean, as well as the son of the late George Harrison. They sang "Come Together". And they did.

7 The late Rick Nelson and Elvis, both on video, sang MILK COW BLUES together, as JAMES BURTON blistered through some great solo guitar work IN THE FLESH.

8 FINALLY, The deity, JESUS CHRIST, also known as the SON Of GOD, was lowered down on to the stage, via a series of wires, as Elvis sang HOW GREAT THOU ART. Jesus gave Elvis a plaque for his fine work in preaching the gospel. Pieces of the "true Cross" were sold in the lobby before the show, and after. No sales of the "true cross" were permitted during the concert, however, out of respect for the late Jesus Christ's stature in heaven and earth. Jesus, in a pre-concert statement, hand delivered by Gabriel, commented, "Elvis and I both sit at the right and left hands of God, respectively. We've been working up some great songs together. Elvis, always a fine gospel singer, will sing harmony to my lead singing. I'm really nervous about doing the show........"

ATTENDANCE WAS LIGHT.....

Following the finale performance of 'WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN' Jesus Christ suddenly turned towards the audience, and his eyes turned into LASER BEAMS, and he began to VAPORIZE everyone in the building, including the building itself. As this occurs, the late Buddy Holly was performing his great song, "I'M GONNA SET MY FOOT DOWN". As the hordes of screaming women, men, and children in attendance were melting DOWN, the accompanying lyrics were surging thru the loudspeakers, "I'm Gonna turn you around, turn you upside down, if that don't stop your strutting' around, I'm GONNA SET MY FOOT RIGHT DOWN ON YOU". As this MELTDOWN occurred in the USA, an earthquake was occurring in the Mount Zion region over in the holy land, as GOD set his foot down and split this ever popular tourist mountain attraction in two.

The announcer and camera crew taping the event were spared. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BUILDING HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!" This announcement was the official kick off to launch the actual SECOND COMING of Jesus Christ, in which all of God's saints and martyrs were lifted off the planet in THE RAPTURE, which of course consisted of 146,000 Jehovah's Witnesses, only one of whom is known to have ever been an actual Elvis fan.

The original producers of the popular 70s motion picture "CARRIE", starring Sissy Spacek, have commented, "We'll sue. This concept is our intellectual property, a theme very closely related to the original ending of our film."

The producers of the Elvis concert have stated, "We were hoping we could also stage a mud wrestling contest between Priscilla and Ann-Margaret, but Priscilla nixed the idea, 'That cow is twice my weight. No way. I could get seriously hurt'. The producers added, "Anyhow, there's a time factor here. The event is already 48 minutes long, and that's exactly enough for a one hour TV special, once you factor in the commercials.

This Elvis event preceded the LAST JUDGMENT.....(which is currently being shown on " COURT TV")

The only person who did NOT comment on this event was Elvis himself. If Elvis were actually still alive, he would probably approve of this concept. "I know they've all got a job to do, and since I'm only an entertainer, I prefer not to comment on whether I think this is right or wrong. I just hope everybody enjoys the show. I WON'T BE THERE, BUT I HOPE YOU all Enjoyed MY VIDEO IMAGE"

Note: Chuck Berry, originally considered for the show, refused to appear at the concert unless he was paid up front , in cash.  Berry further commented, "If not, I'll urinate on it." Music officials from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame have said that this statement means that Chuck approves of the Grace land position not to pay him out in front.

This entire event was taped, and will be rebroadcast in twenty five years, with the surviving members reunited again to perform live to a tape of the tape of the tape, etc.

Of Course, don't let me rain on anyone's parade. What do I know? I might as well come to grips with it. I expect that Elvis will be on tour from now on, well into the NEXT millennium, and probably long after most of us are dead. You can't argue with success, so the saying goes. But between you and me, the music was always enough for me.

 

For you folks who ever plan to attend an Elvis video concert the next time it rolls around, y'all

have a great time!

Hope you catch a scarf!

Bop till they Drop ,Al ..come on back for another rant sometime.

 

 

........

I'm hungry for a"hunka hunka Burning Love", which means I'm going to eat a toasted Veelveta sandwich for lunch.Please read the following disclaimer concerning this rant below. Thank you.

Bop till they Drop, and don't burn!

Our company has digitally delivered AL'S PSYCHOBILLY RANT to you, in the hopes that it will make you recover that much faster from whatever ails you, that certain something you can't actually define. It's fun, it's almost normal, and since you're an "Original" Rock and Roll music fan, it seems to be in everyone's best interests that we, not the collective "we", as referred to in magazines such as TIME, LIFE, and PEOPLE, but the "We" as it applies to Me, Myself, Lane, Stag, Leatherwood, and all of "our" other joyful personas, be they happy or sad, as in "Jimmy's Blue, Jimmy's Happy", or as in Tim Buckley's "Happy Sad", or Gene Pitney's "BLUE GENE ", not as in Fat's Domino's "Tick Tock, Stop the CLOCK blues", because as we all know, there simply is no such thing as stopping time, or perhaps there is, on the outside chance that Ray Bradbury was right when he said, "Green grow the houses on Venus, particularly after the family has eaten their fill of Tuesday Weld's shaved boxes, both of them, if you can Grok That, or as someone said, "The World's a Stage, and it ain't what you eat, but the way how you chew it, that is if you still have all of your important teeth, not the teeth you use to jump from limp to limb, but the teeth you use to smile at the people that you meet, even though you know some of them will hurt you, or tell bad stories about you behind your back, but that's alright, because as mom always said, "They're just jealous of you, they want what you have, although neither you or I have been able to just exactly define that particular thing that makes you unique, as we are all unique, but not quite as unique as you, not the collective "You", as Ronnie Hawkins referred to when he said, Baby whatcha gonna Do?", in the song that he claimed he wrote, but which in fact was really written by Jim Webb, when he was 12 years old, working as a ghost rider for Anthony Domino, who pretended that his name was Antoine, but after looking at his passport, we have discovered that Anthony Domino was more normal than any of us could have ever imagined, not the collective "us", as referred to in the song "If you can't Truss Us, Don't Make a Fuss, because Tommy and the Testicles and all their test tubes couldn't tie the string that binds the bonds that chain the soul to the sloppy slimy salamander storage sacks, sleeping softly so Susie could wakeup before the the movie without much of a plot, because don and Phil told Tennessee Ernie that he gave them their big break, and treated rock and roll with some respect, which was considered important at the time, because up till then, it had been relegated to following the trained seal act on Sullivan, but of course that's the only reason why we watched his stupid show in the first place, down at  the end of Normandy, in the house owned by the two little old ladies who had the big color TV with the little bitty TV screen, where we all watched the wizard of Oz, during it's first showing on network.

 

 

 

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