A Different Child
A poem by Pandora Diane Waldron
In memory of her daughter, Madoka Marietta Rosalie
People notice there's a special glow around you.
You grow surrounded by love, never doubting you are wanted;
Just look at the pride and joy in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes between the smiles,
There's a trace of tears,
One day you'll understand...
You'll understand there was once another child,
A different child who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all,
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much that different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly,
And may you learn the lesson forever --
How infinitely precious, how infinitely fragile this life on earth is.
One day, as a young woman you may see
Another mother's tears or another father's silent grief.
Then you, and you alone, will understand and offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them with great compassion,
"I know how you feel. I'm only here because my parents tried again."
It is so difficult to describe the indescribable -- the overwhelming and immense pain of losing dearly wanted children. It is a pain that cuts a parent to their soul and one that continues, though in varying intensity, throughout the rest of their lives. Never will we experience our precious twins, Katie Lynn and Kyle Adam. The devastation over their loss on September 25, 1997, was still so fresh and so raw. Then June 5th, 1998, the unimaginable happened. Their precious baby brother, Michael Robert, was born still due to a cord accident.
This page describes the next chapter in our lives as it unfolded, beginning about a month after Michael's death. There are so many difficult decisions to make in figuring out what to do next. It is so hard to know where to even begin picking up some the pieces of our lives that have been shattered by our losses.
As a warning to those of you who have just recently experienced a loss, this page discusses our process of trying to conceive using some of the most high tech medical procedures available to rule out several of the most common chromosomal abnormalities before even getting pregnant. It describes our thought process leading up to the decision, the procedure of In Vitro Fertilization using Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis, and a detailed account our pregnancy that resulted from that process.
No one understands better than I, how painful any talk of pregnancy is after devastating losses. I just wanted to put this warning at the beginning so anyone not at the point of being able to hear about it, would know before reading any farther. Click on the link below if you would prefer to go to my memorial website for Katie, Kyle and Michael now.
Our thought process was a long and complicated one in reaching the decision that we did. The best way I can describe the amazing and complex process of In Vitro Fertilization with Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (IVF/PGD) is to share portions of my journal in which I share some of my thoughts through our experience with it all.
July 10, 1998
It has been just over a month since Michael's death. I have felt completely numb. I have lost so much weight. I'm not sleeping at night. I'm having such terrible difficulty functioning in the world. I have no desire to be out in social settings. Seeing babies and pregnant women is more than I can cope with now. I find making the obligatory small-talk with others next to impossible. I am consumed with grief.
I have begun to wrestle with thoughts of what the future holds for my life. I struggle daily with thoughts of what the next tragedy in my life will be. I am so well aware of how quickly the unexpected can strike and turn a person's world upsidedown. I have also begun once again to struggle with the question of what do we do now as far as trying to have another child or not. Having another child will never bring back Michael, just as being pregnant with Michael didn't replace my twins, Katie and Kyle. Nothing can ever fill the tremendous hole in my heart and in my life that has been left by their losses. Having another child would, I believe, fill a portion of hole left in our family where another person is supposed to be... another precious child, just as precious as Jessica (now 7 1/2) and Ryan (almost 5). I just so desperately want to experience that incredible joy one last time of meeting a brand new person and watching them grow. I don't know how to erase the picture I have in my mind of our family with that other child (or children if we had been blessed with multiples) in it. Twice in the past year now I have been pregnant, with all the hopes, plans, dreams about it. Twice in the past year, Jessica and Ryan were praying for and so excited about a new baby sibling to care for and play with. Twice this past year, I have had visions of experiencing all the joy of bringing this new little person or persons into our family. Twice this year it has ended in such tremendous tragedy and pain.
So, we could just give up. But how do I just go on without terrible anger and bitterness? It will be like a whole different kind of loss to grieve for. I do not know how to integrate myself back into society, into a world of pregnant women having babies so effortlessly all around me, many of them conceiving accidentally, who complain about the ease with which it all happens for them. I don't think I would ever again be able to be around pregnant people or babies without some pain. There would always be a longing and yearning for what should have been, what might have been, or what could have been.
We could just try again naturally. My obstetrician tells me I have had "tragic bad luck". My "luck" with the random chromosomal abnormalities is only decreasing as time goes by. My age-related risk now makes me more terrified with each passing month. We could just go into it hoping for the best and let nature take its course. I would never be relaxed about anything. Even with amnio, if it comes back with one of the lethal abnormalities (like trisomy 13 or 18), a person is then faced with losing a baby beyond 18 to 20 weeks gestation. Without doing amnio, I don't know how I would survive the odds almost half of all chromosomal abnormalities are undetectable by sonogram. Those undetected, go on to be discovered in the delivery room or so often by the baby dying in utero. The loss of Katie and Kyle and the 2 other very early losses were most likely caused by one of the lethal chromosomal abnormalities that increase in frequency with age. The majority of first trimester losses are. I don't know how I'd emotionally survive a pregnancy now with no genetic testing. I could never take the risk of amnio again after the terrifying amniotic fluid leak I had following my amnio with Michael. The thought that I might possibly harm a perfect healthy baby by doing amnio after that, is too great a burden for my already fragile emotional state. There would never even come a point in it when I could relax now, like I had with Michael after 18 weeks and getting the good amnio results. I have enough fears with all the freak accidents like cord accidents and placental abruptions that can claim the life of any baby instantly. It could end with us bringing this beautiful baby home. It could end so horribly. I want to read the last chapter first, but can't do that. Our other options include adoption or surrogacy.
There is one other, very new, high tech option. We could consider doing In Vitro Fertilization with Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (IVF/PGD). Through PGD, a cell is removed from the embryos on day 3 and can do genetic screening on them. It is the closest thing to being able to perform amnio on the embryos prior to transferring them into my body. It is so new that it is only performed at a handful of the top clinics in the country. Through it we could rule out those problems before we even go into a pregnancy. I've been told that the cost of IVF is anywhere from $10,000 - $14,000. The cost of the PGD is about $1500. Then there are travel expenses on top of that. Two of the nearest places to us are Cornell University in New York or St. Barnabas Institute of Reproductive Medicine in New Jersey. Both well over a thousand miles away from here. I need to research it further and learn more about it.
August 12th, 1998
I have chosen Dr. David Sable in Manhattan to look into the possibility of flying to New York to do IVF with PGD. Given everything I've learned, it seems the best (though expensive) choice for us. Doing PGD eliminates the most common age-related trisomies and monosomies from the picture. Most of the other physical defects can be detected non-invasively by the Level III sonogram. After that I will have cord accidents and placental abruptions terrorizing my thoughts until 38 weeks when we will schedule a c-section. I feel it is so worth the money out of pocket, flight to NY, all the shots and discomfort, to rule out all those bad things from the equation with no risk to a healthy baby. There is already so much else for me to be terrified of. We are still a very long way from actually making any definite decisions. I have been reading extensively about the procedure and about the program at St. Barnabas. At least now I feel we are making a huge step in educating ourselves about our options.
October 26, 1998
I had my phone consult with Dr. Sable this morning. I was really nervous about it for some reason but he is quite calming and reassuring. PGD, at present, screens for the 7 most common chromosomal abnormalities (trisomies/monosomies 13, 15, 16, 18, 21 (Downs), 22, XY). I still have to be approved by the board at St. Barnabas for their PGD program. Just one more little hurdle to add to the stress of this process.
November 3, 1998
I flew alone to New York yesterday morning (11/2/98) for my consult with Dr. Sable. I had the whole day to myself Monday to shop and wander about Manhattan taking in the sights. I had a really great time and it helped keep my mind and nerves calm.
My doctor's appointment went great. Dr. Sable is very compassionate, soft spoken, and very thorough. He did some tests there and ordered several others for me to do with the doctor back home in the next month. I am scheduled for a mammogram Tuesday. Dr. Sable wanted that done before they start me on the massive doses of hormones needed for an IVF cycle. I have an Hysterosalpinogram (HSG) scheduled for Thursday to look for any uterine abnormalities that may interfere with implantation. He said with me being an out-of-state patient, he wants to leave no stone unturned so there will hopefully be no surprises. Rob and I both have numerous tests, cultures and bloodwork to complete in the next month. It looks like I'll be doing a January IVF cycle if everything goes according to plan.
November 6, 1998
I had my initial consult today with the doctor here who will be performing all the preliminary tests and monitoring my cycle prior to flying to New York. I think it should work out well. He seems willing to let Dr. Sable make all the decisions and he will do whatever is necessary here.
Saturday December 5th, 1998
I had my cycle day 3 blood drawn this morning. It will be frozen and sent to St. Barnabas Monday. They also drew blood for a couple of others tests to be run here. It would be nice to know the schedule of everything a bit in advance so we could book our plane tickets and hotel in New York. We won't know our actual travel dates until about a week before we leave. As it is now, I have booked the hotel in Manhattan for most of the month of January. I'll cancel out any unnecessary days as we know them. Everything is dependent on my cycle.
December 18, 1998
Rob and I both had more tests and blood work this week. We just had to pay St. Barnabas in full for all of their part of the retrieval, PGD, transfer costs. Yikes! They require full payment up front before starting my Lupron injections.
My schedule is being moved up because of my cycle. I will now be starting Lupron on December 23rd instead of the 27th. I will be doing my mid-luteal sonogram Monday. We are still hoping to leave town for North Carolina Monday afternoon or Tuesday to help make the holidays a little easier emotionally. I'll be starting my daily Lupron injections while on our vacation.
December 23, 1998
We are here in North Carolina for the Christmas season. We came here last year also after losing Katie and Kyle. I am so glad to be in this beautiful, peaceful place, far removed from so many of the painful images and reminders of what our lives should be this year. It makes it bearable and helps alleviate some of the stress I feel over the unknowns of the upcoming month.
I started my daily Lupron injections today. I gave myself the shot in the thigh. They are little subq. insulin syringes. It didn't hurt at all, but I had a lot of hessitation about actually jabbing the needle in. Hopefully I'll get better at it. I have a great many more injections to receive.
Christmas 1998
Nothing seems right this holiday season. There is an emptiness in our family... a void that can never be filled. It has been only 6 months since Michael's death. We have no idea what the next year has in store for us. I just couldn't send out one of those cheery Christmas greetings that ignored the indescribable tragedy we had suffered this past year. I finished the first part of this website in November including Katie and Kyle's page, Michael's page, the Journey Through Grief page, and the Poems page. I included the web address at the bottom of the cards to help those in our lives gain a better understanding of what we had endured.
Here is the messsage I sent out in everyone's card this year:
May you find peace
during this Holiday season...
We would like to dedicate this
Christmas greeting to our
precious children in heaven,
our twins, Katie and Kyle,
and our son Michael.
We miss them desperately.
Our hearts will be filled with love
for them this holiday season.
When you look up into the December sky,
please say a special "Hello" to them
and wish them a Merry Christmas too.
January 6th, 1999
We are back from North Carolina now. I've been getting the daily Lupron injections for 15 days. Rob has taken over with giving me my shots. He does a much better job of it. I'm really starting to have some side effects from the Lupron. The symptoms have been coming on gradually. The past 3 days have been the most difficult. The sonogram and bloodwork yesterday showed that my reproductive system is completely suppressed (as it should be on Lupron). My estrogen levels are completely bottomed out. I am in simulated menopause right now. Dr. Sable asked me if I was having any menopausal symptoms. I don't have hot flashes yet, but he told me that if I stayed like this for much longer, I would. I have had a headache for 3 days now and insomnia. Although I haven't even touched anything with caffeine in it, I feel like I just drank a whole pot of strong coffee continuously. I can't seem to concentrate long enough to actually accomplish anything. I've been trying to smile and be nice to everyone, but inside I feel like I could just bite someone's head off for looking at me wrong. I'm not normally like that at all. Good news is I start the stim drugs (to stimulate my ovaries into producing many follicles) tomorrow night. My estrogen levels should spike up quickly once I start them. Hopefully I'll feel better.
Thrusday January 7th, 1999
I started my stim drugs (Gonal F and Repronex) this evening. Dr. Sable had me do an initial loading dose this evening. That meant I was doing the full day's dose (all 6 amps) at once. That is about $450 worth of medication in a single injection. I was a nervous wreck mixing all the medications for the first time, afraid I'd spill it or mess it up somehow. I lined up all 6 of the little glass ampules and vials on the table and began breaking them open and mixing them one at a time with the sterile saline. I'm sure I'll get used to it. I'll be getting these injections twice a day along with a Lupron injection once a day from now until retrieval of my eggs. I'm rotating sites between my thighs and my abdomen. It is a bit like being a pin cushion. But I'd take a dozen shots a day if it will give me a healthy baby (or babies) in 9 months.
Sunday January 10, 1999
I had my final ultrasound and bloodwork done here before flying to New York tomorrow. The ultrasound showed 12 follicles measuring between 7mm and 9mm. Things are looking fine so far. I'm getting so nervous.
Monday January 11, 1999
Today is the day we flew to New York. I traveled with my small cooler full of $4000 of medications and a whole arsenal of different sized syringes and needles. The cooler contained several boxes of glass ampules and vials all filled with white powders. I figured it may take a bit of time getting all this through airport security. I had security hand search it all because they are not only temperature sensitive but also light sensitive. I didn't want them passing under x-ray as we weren't sure what that would do to them.
We arrived in New York just after 5:00 PM. It was already dark and very cold. As we walked off the plane through the tunnel to the terminal, the cold air hit us and our breath appeared as a cloud of white. It was already colder just in the tunnel than it ever gets back home, and we hadn't even ventured outside yet. The cold really hit us as we waited for our taxi outside the terminal. We got settled in our hotel, then ventured out in search of dinner. We walked through Time Square as the temperature dropped into the teens and the wind-chill plummeted into single digits. After dinner we took a brisk walk up Broadway back to our hotel for the nighttime shot of Gonal F and Repronex.
Tuesday January 12, 1999
The alarm clock went off at 6:15 AM and we started off the morning with the usual Lupron shot followed by the shot of Gonal F and Repronex. We then headed out to my first appointment with Dr. Sable for bloodwork and ultrasound. The temperature started out in the 30's but quickly warmed into the 40's with the sun shining. My appointment went great. Dr. Sable counted 17 follicles measuring between 10mm and 14mm. After the appointment, Rob took off for work at his company's Manhattan office. I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and walk from one end of Manhattan to the other.
Wednesday January 13, 1999
Today also started out quite warm for New York in January. We started the day with the usual morning shots, followed by our early morning visit to Dr. Sable for the daily bloodwork and ultrasound. He seems very pleased with my progress. The follicles all measured between 10mm-14mm. Rob headed off for work via subway. I headed off to a pharmacy to get more syringes and needles. I'm going through them rather quickly these days. I then walked over to the American Museum of Natural History and spent much of the rest of the day exploring all 4 floors. I thought of Jessica (now 8) and Ryan (5 1/2) the whole time as I explored the dinosaur exhibits. Ryan would have loved the enormous Tyrannosaurus fossil. I miss them terribly. As evening approached, the temperature plummeted from 50 degrees at noon to 20 degrees by nightfall. Winter storm warnings are in effect. I guess we'll really get a taste of winter in the northeast.
In the evening, Rob and I went for what turned out to be a very brief walk. We wanted to see some of the sights, but the windchill had dropped into single digits and a misty rain mixed with sleet had begun. We made it over to Rockefeller Center and watched the few skaters who decided to brave the weather on the outdoor rink. Then we quickly headed back to the warmth of the hotel room for the evening injection. We went to sleep listening to the sleet pelting against the window through the night.
Thursday January 14, 1999
We awoke this morning to quite the winter storm. The sleet and freezing rain from the night before had turned to sleet mixed with snow. The wind-chill was 16 degrees below zero as we trudged out pre-dawn through the ice, slush, and snow to Dr. Sable's office. My appointment went well. Dr. Sable said he should be taking pictures of my ultrasounds for the textbooks. He counted 16 follicles on my ovaries measuring between 10mm and 17mm and several others measuring less than 10mm. After the appointment, Rob headed off to work in the miserable weather. I headed to a warm diner for breakfast. After breakfast, I headed back to the hotel to try to gather my nerve to venture out into the storm and find something interresting to do.
I sit here looking out my window on the 36th floor of the hotel. Where I once could see Central Park, there is now only white. The 30 mph wind is blowing the snow so hard it is actually snowing vertically upward out my window. Our current wind-chill is now 22 degrees below zero. I think I'll be in here for a while today.
Friday January 15, 1999
We headed out just after 7:00 AM for Dr. Sable's office. After the last 2 days of winter storm warnings, we awoke this morning to an ice storm and a flash flood watch. The sleet and snow from the day before had turned to steady freezing rain today. The streets are all rivers of a nasty brownish-gray slush. The sidewalks are covered with the same slush combined with patches of slick ice. The freezing rain fell heavier as we walked. We darted into a corner drugstore to buy an umbrella, and wondered at this point why we hadn't taken a taxi this morning. The appointment again went well. I had at least 20 follicles above 14mm. A few of them were above 18mm and 1 was 20mm. I am scheduled for the HCG shot tonight (actually tomorrow morning) at 1:30 AM. It really has us a bit stressed. We only get one chance at this one. I have but one vial. Dr. Sable took a ball-point pen and drew a bullseye on my behind to hit. Though Rob has been giving me all of my subq. injections, this will be his first intramuscular injection with the big inch and a half long needle. It has to be done exactly on time as retrieval of my eggs is set for exactly 35 hours later. If the shot is given too late, my eggs won't be mature at the time of retrieval and won't fertilize. If it is given too early and I could ovulate all my eggs before retrieval and they will be lost. Nice pressure.
The rain and dense fog cleared out late in the afternoon. In the evening, Rob and I went out for our Anniversary dinner at Windows on the World. It is a beautiful restaurant on the 107th floor of the World Trade Center (1100 feet up). Our table was right at the window with a view due north of the entire Manhattan skyline. It was a wonderful dinner.
Back at the hotel that night, we not only set the alarm, but had the operator do a wakeup call at 1:15 AM for the HCG shot. I was a nervous wreck mixing the medicine in the middle of the night knowing that we only had one chance to get this right. Rob did a great job with his first intramuscular injection. That's a good thing since all of the daily progesterone injections following this are intramuscular with the same size syringe. We went straight back to sleep after it was over. I think we both slept much more soundly knowing we had made it beyond that hurdle.
Saturday January 16, 1999
We had our final appointment at Dr. Sable's office this morning for bloodwork and ultrasound. I don't take any injectible medications today. How amazing! I've had 39 injections so far. I was on once a day Lupron shots from December 23rd until January 6th. I have been on 3 times a day shots of Lupron, Gonal F, and Repronex since January 7th. Yesterday I got 4 shots (including the HCG). I only get today off though. I start daily intramuscular progesterone injections tomorrow following retrieval. I also will be taking steroids and antibiotics for the 3 days between retrieval and transfer.
Sunday January 17, 1999
Retrieval was at 12:30 PM today. We had to arrive at St. Barnabas early this morning so they could draw 2 large syringes of blood and prepare my maternal serum. It will be placed in the dish with the embryos as they grow in the lab. Retrieval is done under general anesthetic. So I don't remember anything from the time they got my IV started until I awoke in recovery. They go in with a huge needle and aspirate all the follicles on each ovary and retrieve the eggs. I was pretty sore the rest of that day and much of the next. They retrieved 17 eggs to work with. Then we went back to the hotel and I rested. Rob gave me my first shot of progesterone in oil. I'll be on them daily from now on, hopefully through the first trimester of a healthy pregnancy. After my shot, he got me settled in the room with food for dinner and breakfast in the morning. He then rushed off to La Guardia Airport to catch a flight home to be with Jessica and Ryan for the 2 days between retrieval of the eggs and transfer of the embryos back into my body. They have been staying with their grandparents and we have talked to them everyday, but this is by far the longest we have ever been away from them.
Monday January 18, 1999
We got the call from the embryologist today. Of our 17 eggs retrieved, 11 had fertilized. They expect about 50% - 70% and we were right in the middle. The embryos will remain undisturbed in the lab until Wednesday when they will do the genetic testing on the ones that have made it that far. We won't hear anything else about them until we go out to St. Barnabas for transfer. We could get out there and find that none of them had begun dividing and growing. We could find that they were all chromosomally unhealthy. It will be an incredibly long and stressful 2 day wait.
Wednesday January 20, 1999
The embryologists are doing the genetic testing on the embryos this morning and I am scheduled for transfer of them back into my body late this afternoon. At this point I don't know how many we have that began growing and dividing. Rob flew back to New York this morning. Dr. Sable sent the car and driver for us at 2:00 PM so we would get out to St. Barnabas and have plenty of time to meet with the embryologists before transfer. The emotions overwhelmed me as I looked out the window of our hotel just before we left. I thought about Katie, Kyle, and Michael in Heaven. My cycle dates are almost the same as with Michael last year. If I get pregnant from all this, my due date will be 4 days after Michael's due date in October. I left the hotel room knowing that when I returned, I'd hopefully have some of my embryos inside my body and possibly be embarking down the now terrifying road full of unknowns once more. Tears began rolling down my cheeks as I thought about the wonderful and also the horrifying possibilities.
We got to St. Barnabas at about 3:00 PM and they were still working on the testing. Seems all 11 embryos had survived and begun dividing so that morning they had to biopsy them all. The testing on the individual cells takes all day. The embryologists had their work cut out for them. The minutes dragged by like hours. Neither Rob or I could sit still in the waiting room. We alternately paced around the building. At 5:00 PM the doctor came out with news. I was terrified he would tell us we had nothing left to transfer. Of the 11 embryos, 7 of them had tested out with severe chromosomal abnormalities. We had monosomies, sex chromosome disorders, and one that was a haploid (half the normal number of chromosomes). It would explain my 2 very early losses and also the loss of my twins Katie and Kyle. I can't tell you how thankful I am that we went through all this. I would have certainly been looking at multiple losses if we had just tried again naturally. Although this certainly does nothing to guarantee that we won't have another horrendous cord accident like with my sweet Michael. It does rule out so many of the terrifying possibilities.
So of the 4 embryos remaining, one did not appear healthy and had been struggling to divide. The doctor said it wouldn't survive. So we had 3 healthy embryos remaining. I jumped up and hugged him. We put in all three. Two of them looked really large and strong. The third was a bit smaller. The doctor felt really good about the 2 larger ones.
Transfer was the most amazing and emotional experience for me. I could watch
on the ultrasound screen as the doctor fed the catheter into the perfect spot in my uterine lining. On the other large TV screen over the operating table, I could watch through the microscope seeing everything the embryologist was doing with the embryos in the dish in the adjoining lab. She moved them close to one another, then drew them up into the pipette. When the Doctor called out to her that he had the catheter in place, she immediately brought them in. I watched on the sonogram machine as they carefully placed them. I just burst into tears and then had the surgical assistant and embryologist in tears also. Almost as an after thought, I asked the embryologist what genders they all are. Gender didn't matter at all, but I was so curious. She told me that all three were girls. The doctor joked with me about having triplet girls saying not to discount that little one, that it just might catch up with the other two. The tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I think that is the moment that I fell in love with all three of our little girls.
I think these are probably the earliest baby pictures possible. These are pictures of our 3 little girl embryos taken just before transfer. The one on the upper left was the largest and strongest. She had 8 cells before the biopsy for PGD and 6 cells following. By the time of transfer she had already redivided back into an 8 cell embryo. The one at the lower left was a 9 cell embryo before the biopsy and a 7 cell following. The one at the upper right was a 7 cell before biopsy and a 5 cell following.
I spent over an hour in recovery laying flat on my back, barely moving a muscle. I wanted so desperately for all of them to stick and grow. I didn't want to take any chances that I could dislodge any of them. I lay flat on my back in the car for the 45 minute drive back to our hotel in Manhattan.
January 23, 1999
I spent another 2 1/2 days of self-imposed bedrest in the hotel following transfer before flying home. The first day and a half was total bedrest, even eating laying down. The last bit I allowed myself to sit in a chair to eat, but spent the rest of the time laying down. I am surprised at the attachment that I feel for my 3 little embryos. I can't even describe the love I have for these little girls and how badly I want them all to survive. After 12 nights of living in a hotel in midtown Manhattan, we finally flew home today, hopefully with our 3 little girls safely implanted and growing inside me.
Saturday January 30, 1999
I was weak! I gave in to the temptation of a home pregnancy test this morning. It is 10 days post transfer, and I tried to prepare myself for the possibility that it may be too early. I just couldn't stand it any longer. I took the test then left the room, determined not to go back in there for the minimum 3 minutes. I rushed in after the time was up and looked, the line appeared very faint, but there was a line there. After the max time of 10 minutes, I looked again and the line was quite a bit darker. It was definitely positive. My emotions this time could best be described as very reserved excitement. I did not react like I had with Katie and Kyle, where I jumped for joy in my state of blissful niavity. I did not react in the same way as with Michael, where I was completely overwhelmed and fell to my knees in tears and prayer. I sat for quite a while, quietly staring at the test. A flood of thoughts and possibilities went racing through my mind. I went into the bedroom where Rob was still sleeping, unaware of the events taking place out in the other room. I handed him the test with a quiet smile on my face. I am so painfully aware that this is only the first hurdle in such a tremendously long line of hurdles before we hear any of these little girls utter their first cries. Thinking about nine months seems far too overwhelming. The farthest I can think ahead to right now is Monday when I go to the doctor for the first beta HCG blood test.
It is early afternoon now and I have just started spotting. It has only been a few hours since seeing that line on the home pregnancy test. It is just too terrifying to think that I may be losing one or all of my little girls. After everything, it all may be over. I went straight to bed for the day. We emailed Dr. Sable and told him. He called us right back and was reassuring as always. He said that it occurs in a large number of normal pregnancies. I don't know that it really helps though when it is happening to me after all we have been through.
Monday February 1, 1999
I had the first beta today. The wait to get the results seemed infinite. They told me results should be back from the lab at 3:00. By 3:01 I was on the phone to the office. My beta was 115. That is a great number and even still within the range for twins, though seemingly below the range for triplets. I had so hoped it would be higher and more definitive of a multiple pregnancy. I am thrilled it appears to be a strong healthy number. I go back in 2 days for the next beta.
Wednesday February 3, 1999
My second beta was today. The number needs to at least double every 48 hours. Today's result needed to be at least 230. Once again I was on edge all day awaiting the results. At 3:00 I called the office. The beta was 330! It had almost tripled! Still within the range for twins! It is so exciting just to think and dream about the possibility, and at this point impossible not to.
Monday February 8, 1999
I went in for a 3rd beta today. I am hoping that the number is at least around 2000 for it to have just more than doubled every 48 hours since the last one. Of course I'm really hoping for more than that, as I want more than one of my little girls to have made it. I want all 3 of them. I fell in love with them all when I first saw them. How could I ever wish for any one of them not to make it? I already feel that I have lost one of them as my first 2 betas really weren't in the range for triplets. I got the result in the afternoon. It was 3402!!! I have my first sonogram scheduled for this Wednesday. It is impossible not to have dreams about multiple little girls in ruffly dresses... pushing them around in a double or even triple stroller. What an awesome experience for them and for us as a family.
Wednesday February 10, 1999
I had my first ultrasound today. It was so happy, yet so sad also. It was very early, too early for a heartbeat. But with IVF they like to do the early ones just past 5 weeks. One of my little girls seems to be doing well so far. The sac and yolk sac measured about right for her gestational age. I was so thrilled to see her. There was also a second smaller sac, but it appeared to be empty. The tech doing the sonogram said there was a chance she could catch up and was just a little behind. The other tech, upon reviewing the pictures after the sonogram, said she didn't really think there was a chance for her. There is such sadness and a deep feeling of loss, knowing that we put in 3 beautiful healthy little girl embryos. I now feel fairly certain 2 of them have died. I won't know for sure until the next sonogram. The doctor doing my transfer felt so strongly about the 2 larger stronger embryos as he put them in. I remember him saying not to discount that smaller one, she just may catch up. I feel I have 2 more angels in heaven now. I will give these little girls names after we name their surviving sister. I was joyful watching the apparently healthy little girl during the ultrasound. But after leaving the office, once alone in the car, I broke down and sobbed for the other two.
So many people thought that my being pregnant with Michael fixed all the grief I had over the deaths of my twins Katie and Kyle. Now that I am pregnant again, I'm sure many people think that it just erases all the pain that I feel over the loss of Katie and Kyle and Michael. I have hesitated to share news of this pregnancy with everyone. I have not hesitated because of my fear of loss. I could never endure the loss of one of my dearly wanted children without letting everyone know. I could never just pretend that one of my children had never existed. I have hesitated to tell people because nothing in this life will ever erase the pain I feel over the deaths of my children. I don't want people to be of the impression that my life is back to normal now and everything is alright. My life will never again be the same after my losses. I had to have the remains of my twins surgically removed from my body. I have a son whose remains sit in an urn on my dresser. How can your life ever be normal again after that experience? I cannot imagine the people who have a difficult time understanding that, ever understanding my being sad over losing 2 out of 3 of my little girls, when I am still pregnant with one of them.
Even when I tried not to dream too much about more than one of them making it, I found it impossible not to. My HCG numbers had been almost tripling every 48 hours (they normally double in a healthy singleton pregnancy). I just couldn't help imagining being blessed with that awesome gift of multiples after we had suffered so much pain and loss. I truly felt the two strongest little girls would make it. Twice now I have had that chance and had it taken away from me. I will never know the experience of going to all the ultrasounds and seeing not only one but two precious babies kicking in there. I will never know the overwhelming, double joy of being handed two sweet babies in the delivery room, one in each arm. I will never have the experience of watching two babies, exactly the same age, growing up together with that special bond that so many twins share, having known each other for every instant of their existence. That incredible gift is often given to people who don't appreciate it or want it. It is often blessed upon those who even look upon it as a burden or a trial in their lives. I would have cherished every minute of that experience. It always angered me to hear others complain about it. I cannot imagine ever having tolerance for that now after all we have been through.
We are such a long way from holding this one precious little girl in our arms. There are so many hurdles we must get past. I am so afraid of something happening to her. I love her so much. I am so sad that her 2 sisters already didn't make it. I loved them too. I don't know how to explain it. Looking at that beautiful picture of all 3 little girl embryos makes me cry now.
February 19, 1999
We had our second sonogram today to see the heartbeat. It was as agonizing as the first. The tech began looking at the sac and silently sat searching. She couldn't find our little girl's heartbeat. I began crying and shaking once again. Rob just threw his head back and yelled "No!". She called in the other sonogram tech, and together they finally found the heartbeat (128 beats per minute). She took measurements and the sac was measuring small for my dates. There are no questions about the dates with an IVF pregnancy, so it left me feeling even more insecure. She seemed so flustered (as was I), that she never even looked for the second sac to see what had happened. What an ordeal. I just need things to go so smoothly and it doesn't appear anything will be easy. I find myself just living for the reassurance of the next sonogram.
March 3, 1999
I had my first appointment with the high-risk perinatologist today. She seemed very thorough. I had my 3rd sonogram at their office. Their machine had much better resolution. They also had the ability to turn up the volume so I could hear the heartbeat (170 beats per minute) as well as see it at this early stage. My little girl had all 4 limb buds and was moving around in there. She looked sort of like a cute little manatee at this stage. The sac and the baby measured perfect for my dates. They did however confirm that I had lost both of the other little girls. Once again I found it both so happy and yet so sad. It did however help me to relax a bit about the one little girl who is thriving.
March 24, 1999
We have just named all 3 of our little triplet girls, the two who didn't make it and their one surviving sister. My daughter helped me with the names for the two that we lost. She came up to me the other evening looking at my necklace on which I wear 3 gold rings in memory of our babies in heaven. One ring has pink stones for Katie Lynn, and the other two rings have blue stones for Kyle Adam and Michael Robert. She took the necklace in her hands, then asked me if I was going to get 2 more pink rings for it and name the two little girls that we just lost. Then she told me, "I think we should. They were going to be part of our family and my little sisters too. Triplets would have been so cool." I told her that I had planned to and asked her to help me with their names. It is so amazing, my 8 year old understands more than most of the adults I come in contact with.
We named our 2 newest little angels: Jacquelyn Nicole and Carolyn Rachel.
Rob and I had just named their surviving sister Ashlyn Michele. Her middle name, Michele, is after her big brother, Michael, in heaven. I'm 11 1/2 weeks now and still so afraid of something happening to Ashlyn.
March 26, 1999
Rob gave me my final progesterone shot this evening. That made for a total of 98 shots that he's given me since December 23. The first 38 were subq. given in either the thigh or abdomen. The last 60 were intramuscular, 1 1/2 inch long needles, given in the hip. I would have taken them for the full 9 months if it were necessary to ensure Ashlyn's health. But since they are no longer necessary, I am certainly glad to be done with them.
March 30, 1999
I had my 4th sonogram today with the perinatologist. Ashlyn is getting so big. The sonogram tech actually took her measurements a couple of times just to make sure she had them right. She is measuring a couple of days ahead of her dates. I'm 12 1/2 weeks now. She has changed so much since the last sonogram at 8 1/2 weeks. She no longer looks like a little manatee, all curled over with flipper-like limb buds. She has grown to look just like a minature of a fullterm baby. She had her arms and legs bent up at the knees and elbows. I could see all her little fingers and toes. She was kicking and wiggling away. It was such a wonderful sight. At one point she turned and looked right at the machine and gave us a great shot of her face. We got a good look at her cord and it appears a nice normal length for her gestational age. That was such a relief after Michael's being more than 3 times the normal length. I feel a bit more relaxed for now. This is the only picture I have from the sonogram. The still pictures definitely don't show the great images that were on the video screen at the time. She is laying on her back looking right at the camera in this picture. I'll be sure to get more pictures at my level III sonogram next visit.
April 14, 1999
I went to the mall to buy Ashlyn a beautiful dress today. It is the only thing I will buy until after I hear her crying in my arms. Jessica and Ryan came with me. They were both so excited. They darted from one clothes rack to another showing me all the little ruffly things. I want them to have that joy and excitement of preparing for their new little sister. I don't want to completely rob them of their innocence by instilling my terror in them. Then reality hit as Ryan, my 5 1/2 year old, came up to me with a little boy outfit and such a sad look. He showed it to me saying "This would have looked so cute on my little brother Michael. I wish he was here." Their innocence has already been shattered at such a young age. It is so difficult for me to speak in futuristic terms saying things like "When Ashlyn gets here..." etc. I always try to do it, but in the back of my mind the thoughts keep lurking, "IF Ashlyn gets here safely...". I hate that my innocence had to be completely shattered. I would so love to run out and buy all the little baby items, fix up her room, blissfully bounce around enjoying every instant of this pregnancy. My fears prevent that. I am 14 1/2 weeks now. This same day last year, I was 15 weeks pregnant with Michael. I had no idea the indescribable nightmare that would consume my life only a couple of months later. I find myself wishing the time to pass quickly now, so we can hurry and hopefully welcome Ashlyn safely into our family.
April 27, 1999
Today was the day of my level II sonogram. I have had insomnia for the past couple of nights thinking about it. Hopefully it will rule out the rest of the physical defects that are possible with Ashlyn. Then I'll have the freak accidents like cord accidents or placental abruptions left to worry about for the duration. Rob and Jessica came along with me to the appointment. Jessica was so excited about seeing her little sister she could barely contain herself.
I felt a sense of calm come over me as I got on the table, a huge relief knowing that before Ashlyn was ever placed into my body, we had already ruled out all of the random, age-related chromosomal abnormalities that could have survived to this point. I wasn't in there trying to decide whether to do amnio or not. We already knew the answers to those questions. As the tech began the sonogram, she seemed confused that we already knew with such certainty that Ashlyn was a girl without having done CVS. I briefly explained PGD to her. She checked and verified her gender with the ultrasound anyhow.
Ashlyn seems to be doing really well. All her measurements were perfect. She is actually still measuring a couple of days ahead of my dates. All of her organ systems looked fine except for a small problem with one of her kidneys. She has a small pocket of fluid in one measuring 0.3 cm, a condition called hydronephrosis. The doctor said her case is very mild and we'd just keep an eye on it. As long as it doesn't get larger than 1.0 cm, we had nothing to worry about. If it does get larger, we'd have to see a pediatric nephrologist after she is born. Other than that, she looked wonderful -- nice strong 4 chamber heart, great looking spine and cerebellum, etc. We got another fairly good look at her cord, and so far it still appears normal length with no signs of entanglement, looping, or knots. We'll be doing a sonogram at every visit and begin very close monitoring beyond 24 weeks for any signs of distress. Here is the best picture of our little girl from this 16 week sonogram.
Monday, May 24, 1999
I had my 20 week appointment with the perinatologist today. She is incredibly thorough. Next month, at 24 weeks, will be the last of my monthly appointments. She will then start seeing me weekly for a month or so and twice a week after that. We are doing detailed sonograms at every appointment checking all organ systems, all measurements, placenta, cervix, bloodflow in the cord, and the cord length and position. Getting an accurate cord length is difficult at this stage, but it appears to be normal length for her gestational age (about 10cm) and still isn't wrapped anywhere around her neck or body. Ashlyn still has mild hydronephrosis. The pocket of fluid in her left kidney is now 0.5 cm. But her kidneys are larger now, so proportionally it is about the same.
Her measurements were the thing that amazed the sonogram tech. She actually measured her femur and skull circumference several times just to be sure she had them right. Ashlyn is measuring a full week ahead of her dates. She weighed 15 oz at 20 weeks and 1 day. That is in the 97th percentile. She has long legs just like her big sister. Here are the best of the pictures from this sonogram. The first one is a profile shot laying down on her back with her legs tucked up. In the second one, she is looking at the machine with her little hands clasped in front under her chin. She looks like she is praying. All of her little fingers are visible. She was just wiggling and squirming away and at one point opened her mouth and tried to shove one of her hands in there. It may have been my 6th sonogram with her and I can't even count how many I've had total in my life, but still I lay on the table with tears rolling down my cheeks just watching her healthy and alive in there.
June 4th, 1999
I am falling apart this week. My precious son Michael's first birthday in heaven is tomorrow, June 5th. I am at the same stage of pregnancy with Ashlyn, on this his first birthday (the due dates are only off by 4 days). I keep reliving so vividly the events of last year. Sunday evening, the day before Memorial Day last year is the day we named our little boy Michael Robert. Everything was just perfect with my pregnancy at that point. Monday evening, Memorial day, Michael was kicking and wiggling. My son Ryan (then 4 1/2) was trying so hard to feel his little brother. He tried for a while then gave up. We figured he'd have plenty more chances. Little did I know then, that was the last time I'd remember feeling Michael move. Now at 5 1/2, Ryan has been trying so hard to feel his baby sister in there this week. He still hasn't been able to. Last year, Tuesday evening after Memorial Day, I went to a friend's bridal shower. I remember all the ladies commenting on my pregnancy. I was all smiles, sharing Michael Robert's name with them. I had noticed a lack of movement that day but just kept telling myself that I was being rediculous, that he must be sleeping or in a weird position or something. We had just lost our twins Katie and Kyle 8 months prior. We were past halfway now, surely Michael would be fine. Wednesday afternoon is when I really allowed panic to begin setting in. By Wednesday evening, I told Rob I was worried. By Wednesday night, I lay awake sobbing in the middle of the night, knowing that something was horribly wrong. Thursday was the next to last day of school for my daughter Jessica (then 7 1/2). We rushed to the doctor immediately after dropping her off, still hoping in the back of my mind that they would find that everything was fine and send me home telling me to stop being so neurotic.
That was not to be the case. That is where we had that horrific sonogram that confirmed our sweet little boy was gone. He looked so perfect on the screen, just like he had at the last sonogram 4 weeks prior. Only this time he lay in there so still, without that beautiful flutter of a heartbeat. That news didn't just break my heart, but so completely shattered it into an irreparable heap. Our sweet little boy was dead. My mind could not even comprehend that devastating reality. I remember leaving the doctor's office, my head so cloudy from shock and such hysterical crying. We stopped by Jessica's school on the way to the hospital, to break the news to her that her baby brother had died. We wanted her to hear it from Mommy and Daddy. She chose to go back to class afterward, but only lasted for about another half hour before having a complete breakdown and needing to be picked up by her grandmother.
June 5th, at 2:48 AM, 14 hours after they began inducing labor, I gave birth to Michael. I remember everything about my labor, all the pain and pushing. I remember the horrible deafening silence in that room following Michael's birth. I remember my brief, but oh such precious time with him -- looking at him, holding him, taking pictures of him, touching him. I remember the days and weeks and months following, being unable to sleep, not wanting to eat, unable to function in any type of social setting, unable to make the obligatory smalltalk with others, unable to force any hint of a smile on my face. It seems like only yesterday that we lived that horrible nightmare. It is so hard to imagine that an entire year has passed since then.
June 5th, 1999
Happy First Birthday, my sweet little Michael!
How I wish I could watch you playing with your big brother and sister today...
Your face and hands covered with cake and ice cream.
I picture you celebrating and doing those things
with all your siblings in heaven:
Katie and Kyle, Jacquelyn and Carolyn...
That thought brings me some comfort
on this painful day without you here.
What I wouldn't give to be touching your baby soft skin...
Kissing your sweet little face
as you wake up safely in your crib.
My arms ache to hold you.
My heart longs desperately to see you again.
I will miss you always...
I love you so much!
Happy Birthday, my precious little boy!
June 21, 1999
I had my 24 week doctor's appointment today. I will start having appointment at least once a week from now on and probably twice a week toward the end. Today's ultrasound was number 7. I just mentioned to the doctor that I had been having about 4 or 5 braxton-hicks contractions a day. They immediately did a transvaginal sonogram to check my cervix then hooked me up for a non-stress test to check uterine activity. I didn't have any contractions while hooked up to the machine. I am so thankful they are leaving nothing to chance with my little girl. Ashlyn is still a big baby! At 24 weeks 1 day, her estimated weight was 1 lb. 13 oz. She has gained almost a pound in the past 4 weeks and she is now measuring a week and a half ahead of her dates. Must be all the high protein soy drinks I'm having. The bloodflow through the cord measured pefectly.
I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test this past Tuesday. I had to go back to the lab for the 3 hour one, requiring overnight fasting and 4 blooddraws. I had a stressful wait over the weekend to get the results of that one. Fortunately, my 3 hour glucose test came back fine. I would have been a nervous wreck with gestational diabetes, religiously following a diabetic diet, testing my blood 3 times a day, and dosing myself on insulin. I'd be terrified that I mess something up and hurt Ashlyn. I am so thankful everything is still looking fine.
July 6th, 1999
I thought this was the cutest picture of Ashlyn's foot. Her tiny toes are so clear. It was taken at 26 weeks 2 days.
July 19th, 1999
Everything seems to be going great so far and I still feel great. I had my 11th sonogram today along with a non-stress test. I am 28 weeks 1 day now. The weekly sonograms look at the cord position, measure cord bloodflow and amniotic fluid levels and check my cervix. This sonogram was one of the monthly detailed ones measuring Ashlyn for growth. Ashlyn is now measuring at 30 weeks 1 day. They estimate her fetal weight by measuring her femur length, humerus length, abdomen, and skull circumference. According to all those measurements they estimated that she weighs 3 lbs. 10 oz.! Her long legs were the most amazing. Her femur length alone measured at 33 weeks 3 days (5 full weeks ahead of her gestational age). Her big sister, Jessica, just loves it. She is 4' 6" tall at 8 years old and has been off the charts for height since 6 months old. She loves the fact that it appears that her little sister is taking after her.
August 5th, 1999
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday at 30 weeks 3 days. This appointment didn't go very well. They took me back and did my non-stress test first. As I lay there hooked to the monitors, I watched the strip print out measuring my uterine activity and Ashlyn's heartrate. Her heartrate was within it's usual range of about 142-152 beats per minute. The uterine activity line was showing the same irritability that it had shown the week before. I was having very small contractions (so small I wasn't feeling them) every minute to minute and a half. Ashlyn's heartrate then started occasionally dropping down into the 120's. After about half an hour, I finally had one of the larger contractions while hooked up to the machine that I frequently when I'm at home. The nurse came in and noticed that Ashlyn wasn't as active as they would like to see. They used the buzzer to try to wake her up. About 20 minutes later I had another larger braxton-hicks contraction. During this second one, I watched with terror as Ashlyn's heartrate slowly descended from the upper 140's to the 130's, 120's, 110's, 100's, 90's, then into the mid 80's. As the contraction let up, her heartrate climbed back up to its normal range. The nurse came back in and tore off the strip to show to the doctor. I was sent in immediately in for my sonogram. They measured Ashlyn for growth. Ashlyn weighed 4 lbs 9 oz. Still huge which is a good sign. She has gained almost a full pound in 2 weeks. They measured my cervix which was still fine. They used color doppler to take very careful measurements of the bloodflow through the cord and my amniotic fluid levels. Then we looked at the cord position and checked carefully around her neck. The cord was not around her neck but was up over her shoulder. The most common reason for her heartrate dropping like that was cord compression during the contraction. Once again, not taking any chances, the doctor made arrangements to admit me to the hospital for constant monitoring overnight.
I left the office alone and got into my car to head to the hospital. I just burst into tears. I couldn't fathom what would happen if Ashlyn was showing a constant pattern of fetal distress this early. It is too early to safely deliver her. Jessica and Ryan had a terrible time coping with Mommy needing to go into the hospital overnight. They both so vividly remembered the last time I had to check in there, when their baby brother died. We had to really reassure them, explaining that Ashlyn is ok and I was just going in there to make sure that she stayed that way. Both Rob and I were such nervous wrecks until they got me settled into a room with the monitor hooked up. We were both ready to just check me in and keep me hooked up for the next 8 weeks until my scheuled c-section. We both sat glued to the monitor as it registered her heartrate and any activity. The strip looked great. No more distress. It was such a relief. At about 10:00 PM the nurse came in to check on me and asked if we wanted the volume on the machine turned down for the night. We were both quick to answer with a definite "No". We both were much more relaxed listening to the constant sound of her heart thumping away throughout the night.
I had several contractions through the night but Ashlyn's heartrate held up fine through them all and she was quite active. The doctor came in and released me this morning to come home. Hopefully this will be the last scare we will have to deal with. Somehow the 8 weeks I have left just increased in length tremendously.
August 4, 1999
I had a great appointment today, just the kind I need to ease my anxiety for the next 7 weeks. My non-stress test was perfect apart from the continuous small contractions that I've been having for weeks. Ashlyn's heartrate never faltered during it. In my ultrasound, we got a great look at the cord. It is nowhere near her neck and not wrapped around any part of her body. It was all floating in a large pocket of fluid in front of her abdomen.
August 10, 1999
My appointment went ok today though not as settling as last weeks. The ultrasound showed her cord up near her neck, over one shoulder and wrapped around her arm. The bloodflow through it still looked good. Her estimate of fetal weight is now 5 lbs. 3 oz. at 32 weeks 2 days. We are getting there. My csection is set for 6 weeks from tomorrow. Somehow that still seems a long way off.
September 1, 1999
Here is Ashlyn's 34 week ultrasound picture from ultrasound number 17. It shows her sweet profile, her little nose and ear, and her two little fists in front of her face. She kept opening her mouth and shoving one of her hands in there during the ultrasound.
September 3, 1999
It is hard to believe we are only 3 1/2 weeks away from hopefully holding this little girl in our arms. September 29th is the date scheduled for my c-section. I get so emotional just imagining cradling her in my arms and nursing her for the first time. I actually allowed myself to envision the whole scene the other day and sobbed for nearly an hour. I know I wasn't going to prepare anything until she got here safely, but we have started getting things ready around here now. Jessica and Ryan were so excited about getting the crib assembled, so we did that last weekend. Jessica has been helping me go through her baby clothes, getting them cleaned and hung in the closet. She was the first grandchild on both sides so her wardrobe was nothing short of incredible. Ashlyn will have no shortage of ruffles, lace, tiny infant shoes, etc.
Just a few weeks ago, the closet was still filled with all the little boy things that I had prepared for Michael. It has taken me over a year to be able to go in there and pack them away in boxes. I cryed hysterically and talked to Michael through it all. You know, I think he was telling me it was time. His baby sister deserves to have things ready for her arrival. I have tears in my eyes again. The extremes in emotions become overwhelming at times. There is such joy and excitement over the thought of holding and kissing Ashlyn for the first time, hearing her coo and cry in my arms. There is such sorrow over never having that experience with Katie, Kyle, Michael, Jacquelyn and Carolyn. I am feeling the reassurance of Ashlyn's kicks to my ribs as I type. Michael was the last baby I have even touched let alone held. It has been over a year. My fingers have not even touched a baby's soft skin since the day I held my little boy's still body in my arms, June 5th, 1998. I can't wait to touch Ashlyn's sweet little face, caress her baby soft skin, see her breathing, hear her crying. What an emotional day that will be!
September 17, 1999
We just had a scary and chaotic week with Hurricane Floyd. My husband, father-in-law, and two neighbors worked until midnight one night getting our house boarded up. At midnight, he drove up to my in-laws house and worked until 3:00 AM helping my father-in-law put up their storm shutters. In the morning, I headed for the hospital. Rob, Jessica, and Ryan met me there. Fortunately we arrived there early and were actually given an empty conference room to camp out in. By late afternoon, there were 35 other pregnant couples (36+ weeks) camping out in the waiting room, in every office and exam room, and in every corner all over the halls. The sudden drop in barometric pressure in a hurricane tends to make women's water break. During a severe storm, emergency service has to be suspended and paramedics can't get out to you. We definitely had to be at the hospital just to be safe in case anything happened.
I had a lot of contractions during the afternoon so, given my history, the nurses encouraged me to go over to labor & delivery for a quick non-stress test. I went there at about 5:30 and my NST just didn't look so great. Ashlyn just wasn't very reactive and I had several contractions. Labor & Delivery was absolutely crazy last night. Every room was full. Nurses and doctors were running around everywhere. I was put in a semi-private room with another woman in hard labor about to deliver. The room was just 2 doors down the hall from the room where my sweet Michael was born still last year. Rob was over in the other building tending to Jessica and Ryan so I was on my own there. After 3 1/2 hours on the monitor, they decided they needed to do a sonogram with a biophysical profile and cord doppler. The sonogram looked fine, so they released me to go back over and continue the camp out in the other building. I slept in between Jessica and Ryan on an air mattress on the floor. In the morning, we packed up and headed home. We were so fortunate to be spared any damage here.
My perinatologist wanted to see me this afternoon. The checkup went well. Ashlyn has dropped to -1 station and I'm 20% effaced. My csection has just been moved up to September 28th at 7:30 AM. One day less to worry.
September 26, 1999
I cannot believe we only have 2 days left!!! I am so emotional. This road we have been on for the past 2 years has seemed eternal. Now we are 2 days away from hopefully holding this precious little girl in our arms and hearing her wonderful newborn cry. I can't believe it. I am so excited/nervous. At my appointment last week, Ashlyn was at 0 station and I was 1 cm dilated. I have been wondering with each contraction/cramp/twinge if something would start before my Tuesday scheduled csection. I had sonogram number 20 at that appointment. We could actually see that she has hair all around the back of her head. It was amazing. Everything looks great. They estimated her weight at 7 lbs. 2 oz. at 37 weeks 2 days. That is still about a week and a half ahead of my dates. It will be interesting to see how accurate they were. I'm guessing about 7 1/2 lbs at birth (38 weeks 2days). My amniotic fluid levels looked wonderful, the bloodflow through the cord measured great. The cord is still all floating in a large pocket of fluid in front of her belly. None of it was anywhere near her head or neck. Her head is so far engaged in the birth canal now that we don't think she could get it wrapped around there at this point. We still are planning the surgery, just for her safety, unless by some chance I go into labor naturally and we get to the hospital with her head about ready to crown. We have used everything that modern medical technology had to offer to get her. It overwhelms me sometimes just to think back on it all. After flying 1000 miles to New York City andliving in a hotel in Manhattan for 2 weeks, 39 hormone injections, I had 17 eggs surgically extracted. Ashlyn was conceived in a petri dish in the lab. As a day 3 embryo she was biopsied and tested for chromosomal abnormalities. Then she and her triplet sisters, Jacquelyn and Carolyn, were implanted in my uterus by doctors in the operating room. We followed with 59 daily progestrone injections. I have had 20 sonograms, countless non-stress tests. We will test her lung maturity Monday with an amnio, just to be certain. Then a csection first thing Tuesday morning. I can't believe we are only a couple of days away from holding her. How truly amazing!!! If everything goes as scheduled, I'll get home from the hospital Friday with our sweet baby girl in my arms.
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