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Breaking the Cycle
A Fresh Look
© 1992 - Banning
Chapter 1 -
Discovery
Allegations of child sexual abuse
Initial Shock
Denial & Rationalization
Legal Considerations
Therapeutic Considerations
DISCOVERY
So you have finally been caught. Your victim or a friend of your victim has
reported something to the authorities. You are facing an investigation into
your behavior with a child. You're scared, angry, and confused. In
desperation, you have selected Breaking the Cycle to find the answers to
your questions.
Child sexual molestation is a common crime. It is estimated that 15% to
40% of all females and as much as 20% of all male children have been
sexually abused by age eighteen.2 There are 42,000 to 96,000 young boys
molested every year.1,8 In 1976, there were approximately 6,000 reports of
child sexual abuse in America. The number of reports according National
Incidence Study (NCCAN) done in 1981 increased to approximately 44,700
cases of sexual abuse uncovered by professionals in a year. By 1986,
according to the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse,
there were 250,000 reported cases.8 In just 5 years, the number of reports
went up almost seven and half fold. In 10 years, the number was over 40
times greater. This indicates that the mandatory reporting laws of the 70's
have had a positive effect on the number of reports of child sexual abuse.
David Finkelhor, 1983, conservatively estimated 210,000 annual incidents of child sexual abuse, not reports. Using a very liberal estimated number of one million incidents per year, the chances of being reported in 1976 ranged from 1 in 35 to 1 in 166. The chances in 1981 increase ranged from 1 in 5 to 1 in 22. In 1986, the certainty of being reported ranged from a sure thing to 1 in 4. It is doubtful that the incidence of sexual abuse has actually increased as much as the reporting methods have become more effective.
If you are a practicing child molester, your chances of being reported are
quite high. This crime is no longer vastly under reported as it was just 10
or 15 years ago. Molesters, who continue their molesting behaviors over
several years, will inevitably be reported. These are some of the statistics
of which you are about to become a part. The statistics are just numbers
and don't reveal the suffering that child molestation brings into the families
of the victims and the families of the offenders. It is estimated that less
than 3 per cent of all child molesters ever admit to their behavior.
Hopefully this book will aid you into becoming part of that 3 per cent.
There are a multitude of books which address the effects of child abuse on
the victims. There are volumes written on how to work the issues of
childhood sexual abuse as a victim. Recovery is possible. There are
currently few, if any, books helping the offender or other family members
of the victim deal with the issues of child molestation. It is as if only the
victim has any importance. The offender is many times viewed as some
lower life form devoid of wants, desires, hopes, dreams, and feelings.
Family members of the victim are shunted aside so 'experts' can 'help' the
victim. This problem exists because of society's lack of understanding the
make up of a child molestation, family dynamics, and the child molester.
The term "child molester" usually conjures up a picture of a dirty old man
- usually a stranger, a white male, late forties to early seventies. These are
the offenders society is willing to identify - the stereotypical male
pedophile. Yet classic fixated pedophiles are a very small proportion of the
child molesting population. A child molester very simply is anyone who
sexually abuses a child. This may seem to be a straight forward definition
of a child molester but not everyone understands or agrees on what
constitutes sexual abuse. Many individuals only view intercourse - anal,
oral, or genital - as sexual abuse. Sexual molestation occurs anytime a
child endures any inappropriate sexual encounter. Defining what is or is
not sexually age appropriate is not always clear. Is it sexually abusive
when the babysitter changing the toddler's diapers spend much more time
than usual in applying creme to the youngster's penis? Is it sexually
abusive when mommy kisses the baby's penis after each diaper change and
says 'Mommy loves her little man.'? Is it sexual abuse when the mother
continues to give enemas long after they are required? Some will say all of
the above are abusive. Others can claim that none of the above are
abusive. Most can agree that the above are, at least, mildly sexually
inappropriate behaviors with a child. An excellent book defining sexual
abuse of children is ABUSED BOYS by Mic Hunter.
One reason the examples may seem a bit unclear regarding sexual abuse is
that the perpetrator in each was female. If the above examples used a male
perpetrator, it becomes easier to see the behavior as sexually abusive. A
father kissing his baby daughter's clitoris and saying, 'Daddy loves his little
woman.' may fill you with disgust and anger. Even if it is done just one
time, this is viewed as sexual abuse. Sexual abuse of a child is sexual abuse
regardless of the sex of the perpetrator. What makes a behavior abusive is
the harm done to the child. Part of the harm done to the child is that it
inappropriately sexualizes the child at an early age and gives the child a
warped view of sexuality.
Taking the above example of the little boy whose penis was kissed when his
diapers were changed. Suppose the boy grew up seeing his mother treat
each of his brothers the same way. Can you understand that as a father,
this person would not see kissing his daughter's clitoris after a diaper
change as wrong? Such a person might even view his actions as nurturing.
This example gets into the realm of excusing the sexually abusive -
inappropriate behavior because the perpetrator was abused as a child and
didn't know better. The point of the above example is not to excuse the
child molesting behaviors of those also abused as children but to show the
harm that is done to the first child in sexualizing him at an early age. It
also shows how child abuse can and usually is passed on from generation to
generation.
Breaking the Cycle is written for the male and the female perpetrator.
Personal experiences related in the book use the sexes as described by that
person. All other references are not gender specific. If you are a female
perpetrator you may feel very unique and isolated. Therapists may treat
you more abusively than they would male offenders. This is a societal
attitude which expresses the view that only the sickest of the sick would
harm a child. It has taken years for this attitude to change for male
perpetrators. It has been a slow process but many in society still view all
child molesters in this fashion. In the therapeutic community, this is
changing for men. It has changed because of the courage of women coming
forth and exposing their perpetrators. In dealing with the variety of male
perpetrators, therapists and doctors are learning that there is a wide range
of abuse done by male perpetrators. They have found that the majority of
male perpetrators aren't classic fixated pedophiles but men with
maladjusted sexual boundaries. They are also learning that most, if not all,
of these men have been victimized - many by women. It will still be some
time before women offenders will receive equal treatment as men. I hope if
you are a female perpetrator, you will not feel alone and that you will
understand that your male counter-parts understand what it is you are
dealing with.
Some of society's other misunderstandings lie within the denial
surrounding incest and child molestation. This denial is part and parcel of
the offender's rationalization.
Denial
This is the typical response of offenders when first confronted with their actions. The denial can be blatant - "I didn't do anything. That's person's crazy." - to obtuse -"I am sorry. It happened only once and will never happen again." Both responses are lies.
Denial can take the form of admitting to some small part of the molestation
but conveniently forgetting the more devastating behavior. The offender
can show sorrow for the action at the initial confrontation but more than
likely this sorrow is at being caught and having to face the consequences.
Another form of sugar-coating the actions is to play down the harm done to
the victim or to indicate that the victim was an eager and willing partner.
Thus, according to the offender, no damage was really done. Sometimes
the offender can convince the victim of this version of truth. Victims have
been known to defend and even refuse to testify against their perpetrator
because they believe there is a special bond between them. The excuse that
sexual abuse did not occur because the child willingly participated is one of
the more frequently used forms of denial.
Most enlightened states will prosecute in spite of the victim's wishes.
Convictions can and are being made without the cooperation of the victim.
All that must be proved is sexual contact occurred between the adult and
the child. In more jurisdictions, it is becoming easier to get convictions
because the presumption of trust has shifted from the white male
perpetrator to the disadvantaged victim. The presumption of innocence,
while constitutionally correct, is no longer simply given to offenders of
child molestation. The word of the victim carries much more weight than
the word of the accused.
One of the most devastating forms of denial for the victim and the relatives
of the victim is the outright admission and challenge from the offender.
This takes a very cruel and hurtful twist. The offender admits to the abuse
and challenges anyone to do anything about it. This occurs when the
offender feels politically, physically, or emotionally in control of his family
and friends.
Another form of denial occurs when the offender claims remorse for the
confronted behavior. This offender may even admit to some of the other
incidence of abuse but ends the confession with a plea for forgiveness.
Inside this denial is the hurt, suffering, and pain experienced by the victim.
This denies the necessary recovery work that must occur for victim, family,
and offender before forgiveness can be requested or granted. It is - "I did
it. I am sorry. Let's forget it." This problematic behavior doesn't go away
that easily.
Denial can also take the form that what happened wasn't sexual. This is a
devious and difficult form of denial to overcome. Victims may question
their sanity. Were they actually abused or was it a figment of their
imagination. The abuse can take on either a loving or sadistic nature.
Backrubs that turn into front rubs. Neck rubs that include ear nibbling.
Foot rubs that end in leg, thigh, and possibly genital massages. The sadistic
form of this denial is punishment such as spankings and having the child
undress to be spanked. Offenders will make up wrongs the child has
committed in order to perform this punishment. In both cases, the abusers
deny their actions as sexually abusive because they did not become sexually
aroused because the action wasn't sexual in nature. For these offenders,
sexual abuse is not a matter of sexuality but a matter of power. In some
ways this is true of all abusive behaviors.
All these forms of denial are window dressing. They hide the offenders'
true feelings. No matter how the initial confrontation occurs for the
offender, it does not come as a complete surprise. As the example below
illustrates.
"My wife had just called me at work to let me know that the authorities
were coming over to discuss a problem. She wanted me to come home. She
said that they would not elaborate over the phone but that they needed to
see her today. I told her I would come right home. It seems there was a
problem with our daughter.
As I hung up the phone, my stomach knotted. I knew why they were
coming. I drove home recalling many trips imagined where I would pull
into view of our drive with a Sheriff's car already there. The temptation of
running away was very strong. In the past with imagery of police cars, I
told myself that I would just drive on and never return.
At this point, my thoughts turned to what did my victim tell them? Would
they arrest me today? How would I tell my wife? Answers to questions self
inquired many times over would come forth in the next hour or two. Was I
ready for what was about to happen? The authorities arrived in a plain
unmarked car. Perhaps the fact that it wasn't a police car meant that there
would be some other problem discussed. "
If offenders know that what is happening is wrong, why don't they stop or
turn themselves in? Many offenders do understand that society would not
approve of their behavior with children. The problem exists for the
offender to rationalize society's laws with what they are doing. For most
offenders, their actions are not abusive.
Rationalization
Rationalization is just a form of denial the abuser uses to justify the behavior. Much of the child molester's rationalization revolves around the term abusive. As long as the offenders can convince themselves that the child is not being harmed, then for them, the behavior is not abusive.
Offenders may be sociopathic individuals who are not concerned with the
harm they cause. This is a very small minority. The defiant abuser who
challenges anyone to do something about the behavior may appear to fit
into this pathological deviant category but usually does not.
Most molesters, while unhealthy, are not pathologically deviant. They are
simply rationalizing the harm being done as not happening. This is true of
the defiant abuser also. To the challenging offender, the child wasn't
harmed or if hurt, the harm was only minor. Others are making a bigger
deal out of this behavior than is necessary.
Young children are initially curious and willing to go along with sexual
games or other behaviors which adults know are wrong. The offender does
not see this as harmful. Since the child enjoys themself, the perpetrator has
not hurt the child. This, of course, is far from the truth. This is one way
that child molestation causes further harm.
As children grow older and wiser, reluctance on their part is distorted in
the mind of the abuser. Forms of reluctance or reticence on the child's part
are ignored and any signs of enjoyment are magnified. To the abuser, the
child just needs to be 'coaxed' a bit more. The child's 'enjoyment' is still
there.
Rationalization of no harm occurring comes in other forms. The idea that
the child is too young to remember helps those offenders who abuse
pre-schoolers to continue their behavior with their young charges because
for them no physical pain occurred. The lack of physical pain means the
child wasn't hurt. What's happened makes no difference because the child
won't remember and without remembering there can be no guilt and
therefore no shame or emotional harm. Today, authorities in child
development understand the severe harm done to pre-school children by
sexual abuse - even when physical pain is not involved. Authorities
understand but child molesters do not.
Another form of rationalization is that the behavior is not sexually
stimulating to the offender or the victim. This usually occurs in the area of
wrestling or tickling the child. The offender usually engages the child in a
wrestling or tickling game. In the course of the game, the offender spends a
disproportionate amount of time tickling legs, buttocks, genital and other
personal areas of the victim. An offender can claim such contact as
accidental. The offender did not feel aroused and it was just 'horsing
around.' Not every person who wrestles or tickles a child is a pervert.
Child molesters seek it out and spend an unusual amount of the 'play' time
touching, bumping, rubbing against buttocks or genital regions of the child
or having some portion of the child's anatomy rubbing against these areas
of the offender. The child eventually recognizes the game for what it is -
sexually stimulating. The child may become repulsed or attracted to this
game. In either case, the child is harmed while the perpetrator refuses to
see the harm.
Child molestation occurs by older children upon younger children. Some
adult sex offenders have admitted to beginning their sexually inappropriate
behavior as young as 7 or 8. Among children, witnessing of sexual offenses
can go unrecognized even by older children. Take the case of Rita. Rita
was 13 at the time.
"I recall watching my 15 year old sister change the baby's diapers when
she was babysitting. She made a game of tickling the baby in genital
region. The baby would laugh and my sister would tickle her and she
would laugh some more. Nothing seemed wrong. The baby didn't cry
except when my sister would tickle the baby too much. You know, like
when someone tickles you and it starts to hurt instead of be funny.
I didn't think that was sexual abuse. I'm sure glad I didn't change the
baby's diapers because I thought it was normal."
The 13 year old did not report the abuse because there was no pain. The
irony of this is that the 15 year old baby sitter/daughter had been shown
repeatedly by her adoptive mother how to apply ointment to her baby
sister and that the application was not required directly to the genitals.
The adoptive mother was reassured at each lesson that the ointment was
never placed directly on the genitals but in the skin fold by the legs.
This young lady had been sexually abused by her birth parents or foster
parents as a baby. It seemed normal and appropriate to her even without
direct memory of her own abuse. Unfortunately, this 15 year old was
re-enacting the abuse done to her upon her two year old sister. Her
rationalization was that this wasn't child molestation because there was no
sexual arousal. Irrespective of the perpetrator's view of the behavior it was
still sexual molestation.
In understanding the denial and rationalizations used by offenders, it is
easier to understand their initial reactions as their means of survival. In
many cases, the offenders are concerned more with the ability to maintain
their old behavior than the possibility of jail.
The modality of this interrelationship with children is ingrained.
Confrontation means that this inappropriate behavior is acknowledged and
must be discontinued by the offender. Fear of further repercussions can
provide a temporary halt to the offenders' sexual activities. In some
offenders, there is a sigh of relief. They have felt the guilt and shame over
their actions and have wanted to discontinue their behavior but could not.
Now they know they MUST stop. The problem is that these offenders will
tell the truth that they want to stop and that they are glad it's out in the
open. What these offenders do not understand is that their best intentions
of stopping still will not work.
Many offenders wanted desperately to stop in the past. Maybe they did
stop for a time but eventually went back to being inappropriate with
another child. Unless there is continued therapy and intervention, the
pattern will repeat itself. There is a lot of hard recovery work necessary to
turn an offender away from the desire for continued child abuse.
The message of Breaking the Cycle is that offenders can work through their
issues of child abuse and come out whole. It is not a short, inexpensive,
painless endeavor nor must it be extremely painful, expensive, or unduly
long.
Alternatives to rationalization and denial <RETURN>
Many may think that the best alternative to denial is the truth. Although
theoretically correct, it is impractical advice for the confronted perpetrator
for two important reasons. The most prominent is that the perpetrator is
in shock. The other is that the perpetrator probably has an ingrained
denial system so strong that the truth is unknown and unrecognizable to
the abuser. The best thing an offender can do when first confronted is to
keep silent and listen. The only defense is not an offense but silence. More
offenders have damned themselves through their own words than by
anything else they have done. No matter how difficult, the offender should
just listen.
Admission of guilt at the time of the confrontation is not always wise. Depending on the state and the person to whom the admission is made, the admission can be used as testimony to incarcerate the offender. Too many offenders have learned too late that as a perpetrator of child sexual abuse many rights given murderers are denied to them. If a response is necessary, the best one is one of confusion. It is possible to neither admit nor deny the accusations. It is Ok for the offender to be shaken and in a state of shock. This, in reality, is where the offender is.
What the offender needs most at this time is help in determining what this
all means. Those confronting the abuser are not concerned about the well
being of the offender but only at uncovering the truth and stopping the
behavior. These people do not necessarily understand that professional
help for the offender will be required in order to uncover the truth and
stop the offender. Remember that most any response from the offender at
this point will be one made by a person in shock and denial. At this point,
the main emphasis has to be that the offender needs help and that contact
between the offender and the child being victimized is severed and will
remain severed until the perpetrator has dealt with all of the issues around
the abuse.
If the sexual abuse is incest, the perpetrator must be the one to leave the
family dwelling. There are many circumstances where this may not seem
immediately feasible. In such instances, the victim may more easily find a
temporary place to stay. This temporary arrangement should be with a
family familiar with the victim - ie., relatives, neighbors, or a friend. This
must be very temporary - no more than a few days and not longer than a
week. The offender should be encouraged to find accommodations away
from home for a period of at least 3 to 6 months. Treatment and
re-unification of the family may take a year or more. Under no
circumstances should the abuser be allowed any contact with the victim.
This includes letters, gifts, and phone calls. Some offenders will try to pass
messages to their victims through friends and family of the victims. For
the safety of the victim. This should not be allowed.
The offender should be encouraged to immediately seek professional help.
Emphasis should be placed on the term immediately. Most offenders
out of fear and confusion will not seek help on their own. Their hope is
that this is all temporary and that it will go away. If the authorities - police
or social workers - have not been contacted, they will need to be. Child
abuse is not a problem that simply goes away. Nor is it a problem the
offender is capable of handling on their own. Outside forces are usually
necessary to get the offender to come to grip with the inappropriate
behavior.
Legal Professional help
The abuser has two concerns. One is a legal concern. The other is concern
over stopping the abuse. Neither area improves by ignoring them and
hoping this will just go away. The moment of confrontation has arrived.
The longer the offender drags on without taking action, the more trouble
the offender will encounter - both legally and therapeutically - now and
later.
Is a lawyer necessary? Eventually the abuser will face various authorities
in the investigation and having an attorney can be beneficial. Some
offenders have spent upwards of $15,000 and ended up still doing jail time.
Other offenders have come forth and used court appointed attorneys as
required and plea bargained into therapy and probation. What needs to be
kept in mind in both cases is the initial charges of these two offenders
differed. The first offender was facing forced intercourse (rape) charges
with multiple victims looking at a maximum penalty of 35 years. The
second offender was facing assault with the attempt to be sexual with a
minor. This is the minimum sexual offense charge - maximum penalty of 1
year in prison.
Child molestation statutes in almost all states have various degrees of
harshness. Criminal behavior is graded from attempted molestation to
rape with increasing lengths of imprisonment. An attorney is best
equipped to explain the various statutes. The offender should expect to pay
a retainer of $500 to $5000, depending on the locale and the potential
charges being levied.
Any worthwhile attorney will recommend that you discuss nothing
concerning the molestation without the attorney's presence. This is a valid
consideration but this advice does not address halting the abusive behavior.
This is legal advice for the abuser's protection - not the victim's nor
society's protection. In many states, anything told a therapist concerning
child molestation must be reported - even after an investigation has begun.
Anything revealed in therapy can be used in criminal prosecution. In most
states, confession to clergy can not be called forth as incriminating
evidence.
While the selection of a lawyer is important, the search for the best lawyer
should not delay the retention of a lawyer. Selection of a lawyer should be
based on the lawyer's experience in defending child molestation cases. If
the attorney has never defended such a case, ask for a referral. If the
attorney has experience, it may be important to know if the attorney has
worked in juvenile court, criminal court or both. Some have only worked
the criminal side and aren't necessarily aware of the peculiarities of
juvenile court.
While not attempting to be sexist, the gender of the attorney may be
important. It really goes beyond gender and strikes at the heart of
childhood sexual abuse. You will find attorneys are human beings and if
the attorney has a personal experience involving child molestation, that
experience will affect the attorney - client relationship. It behooves you, as
an offender, to determine if the attorney has been sexually molested as a
child, has any close relatives who have been sexually molested, or has been
accused of sexually molesting a child. It has been my experience that many
female victims and/or gay male victims of child molestation have a deep
and hidden animosity for male perpetrators. Lawyers with this
background have been known to not work to their client's best interests.
If you are male, the odds are in your favor that a male lawyer will not let
their personal feelings cloud your defense. This would not be true if the
lawyer had children or siblings who were molested by a man. Female
perpetrators may find that female attorneys are shocked and disgusted
with the idea of female child molesters. Women may find it easier to work
with a male attorney also. Watch closely for signs of contempt from your
attorney for child molesters. You will need their help. They should know
of available therapy and other programs. Attorneys with personal
vendettas see nothing wrong in taking your money, plea bargaining very
little, and having you sent to jail. You're scum of the earth in their minds
and deserve no better treatment.
Most of your status and persuasive abilities will be lost. You will find few
sympathic ears. Yet no matter what, you need to remember that you are a
valuable human being. What you think, feel, and do does matter. During
this initial confrontation period, you, the abuser, will not find your value
reflected in others. Now is the time to begin accepting your new title of
child molester. You have earned it and soon you will learn how to accept
this new change in status.
If you have been confronted or suspect that you will be confronted on a
child sexual molestation charge, you should contact an attorney and set up
an appointment before the end of the day and do NOT admit to anyone
anything until you've discussed it with an attorney.
Therapeutic Professional Help
The search for therapy should begin as soon after locating an attorney as
possible. Finding an attorney first is important because unless the attorney
keeps this charge low-key and helps to deflect imprisonment - all the
therapy in the world will do the perpetrator little good while sitting in a jail
cell. The goal of the attorney should be to defer charges or incarceration so
the offender has an opportunity to enter therapy.
As one person puts it - 'Jail is about as therapeutic for child molesters as
candy is for healing tooth decay.'
You should inform your attorney that you will be retaining a therapist to
help you deal with your issues of child molestation. You should ask your
attorney if the state has mandatory reporting laws. Most states do. This
law differs from state to state. A mandatory reporter is a professional such
as a doctor or nurse who must report any suspected cases of child abuse
including, but not limited to, sexual abuse. You will need to know if social
workers, therapists, and/or clergy are considered mandatory reporters.
Most usually are.
Attorneys may have several different responses to your telling them you
are looking for therapy. Enlightened attorneys will request that you keep
them informed of the therapist you select and will request the privilege of
discussing your case with the therapist. If you have been lucky enough to
find such an attorney, you might ask for a list of recommended therapists.
However, the most likely response is either one of wondering why you'd
want to do such a foolish thing or one of informing you that you can not be
adequately defended if you discuss this with a therapist. Obviously you
shouldn't request a list of therapists from this attorney. If any therapists
are recommended, you would best view these recommendations with
skepticism. Your attorney may threaten to drop your case if you talk to a
therapist. If such a threat is made, it would be in your best interest to ask
for a referral to another attorney. An attorney who does not understand
your need for therapeutic help will seek such a remedy for your criminal
activities as a last resort and only if forced to do so - not as being in your
best interest. Therapy should NOT be viewed as an alternative to
incarceration. It's best viewed as the most effective method of halting
sexually inappropriate behavior.
If you live in a state which requires mandatory reporting, there will be
many different aspects to your talking to a therapist. If your crime has not
been reported, your discussing what you've done may cause the incidents to
be reported. Clergy and a few other professionals may be exempt from
mandatory reporting. Your attorney should advise you.
Delaying therapy due to possible legal consequences is a tough decision to
make. The inclination of most molesters has been to hold off the day of
confrontation with police and social workers. Some molesters even seek
out therapy but due to the mandatory reporting laws never discuss their
issue of molesting children.
Author's Note: The author feels that mandatory reporting laws should be modified to provide maximum benefit for the victim as well as protecting the right of the molester against self incrimination.
An attorney can approach the D.A. or Assistant D.A. for you. An attorney
reporting the incident for you will show your desire to cooperate and to
stop the molesting behavior while still protecting your rights. Your
attorney may be able to make arrangements with the D.A. that lets you talk
freely in therapy without further incrimination.
At this point, if your molesting behavior hasn't been uncovered or has been
uncovered but not reported to the authorities, you are wondering how you
can stop your molesting behavior and keep it all a secret. Inside your hope
may be that you will not get caught but fear that it's only a matter of time
until you are. If you stop now, maybe no one will ever find out. Why get
all these very expensive people involved?
At one time there was the sad possibility that even if you continued
molesting, no one would find out. Odds were that your behavior won't be
discovered for many years, if at all. This is no longer the case. Why come
forward and cause all this trouble now, if you will eventually be reported
anyway? First, you know that what you're doing is wrong - at least by
society's standards. Second, you know you really don't want to be doing it
but can't seem to stop for any significant period. Third, no matter how you
think it's affecting your victim, your behavior is harmful.
There are many victims who wait until their twenties, thirties or even older
to disclose the abuse done to them as children. This may come out when
they see you with their children. The need to protect their children
overrides their fear of you and the consequences of telling. Simply
stopping the behavior is not enough. From personal experience and
research I've done, I doubt if it is possible to keep the molesting a secret
and successfully halt it. The real power and harm of childhood sexual
abuse is the fact that it must be kept secret. Every molester's basic fear is
that of being discovered. Once caught, the molester knows that the
molesting must stop - if it does not, society will (or at least should) protect
its children. Thus the molester is removed from society and access to
children.
The real tragedy of maintaining the secret is the toll it takes on the child.
Even if the molester gets help and stops, the damage done to the child
continues because the shame generated in having to keep the secret. The
child may not understand that no longer playing the secret games is for the
child's good. This may be the only positive attention the child receives
from any adult. Thus the child may feel abandoned when this attention is
discontinued. Worse, the child may seek out this inappropriate behavior
from other sick individuals. The child has been sexualized and may not see
the harm in what was done. Eventually as the child gets older, the child
realizes what they were involved in was wrong - nasty - dirty. Without
counselling of some sort, the child can feel they are wrong - nasty - dirty.
For the child to heal, they need to talk about what happened. The secret
MUST be uncovered for healing to begin. This is true for the victim as well
as the molester.
For those molesters really wanting to stop but still are too afraid to face the
consequences of their actions, a possible solution may be a 12 Step group
focused on sexually addictive - compulsive behaviors. A list of
organizations involved in childhood sexual abuse appears in the index. 12
Step groups have helped molesters stop molesting. The problem with these
groups is that they provide no means of getting help for the victims. Many
of these groups do not force those members still in denial to work the 12
Steps. The 12 Step program, if worked diligently, will eventually have the
offender make amends to their victims as well as the family of the victims.
Thus the secret is brought to light. Unfortunately too many offenders quit
the program after halting the offending behavior but prior to working all
12 Steps thoroughly.
A 12 Step program is an excellent aid to therapy. A 12 Step program
should be strongly considered for aftercare treatment to a child molester's
therapy program. There are 12 Step groups for victims of child
molestation. These should be considered for the victims as well. A 12 Step
program can not, nor should it, be considered a mandatory requirement by
the criminal justice system. 12 Step programs work best when they are
freely sought out by the molester. Molesters can be forced to attend 12
Step meetings, but nothing, except their desire to stop their inappropriate
behavior, will get them to work the Steps.
Most molesters in the early stages of discovery and recovery are in too
much denial to actively seek the halting of their inappropriate sexual
behaviors. Breaking through the perpetrator's denial system is the
primary goal of therapeutic programs for molesters. With their denial still
intact, perpetrators are unable to acknowledge how out of control they
have become. The 1st Step in all 12 Step programs is acknowledging
powerlessness and the unmanageability.
While it was important to expeditiously locate legal counsel, you should
make a more concerted effort at locating the best therapist - therapy you
can find. Quality, not speed, is important in selecting therapy. Determine
before hand that you will talk to three or four therapists before choosing
the therapy you will use. You can and should disclose upon initial contact
with the therapist or the therapist's receptionist that you want to schedule
an initial interview. Determine the cost for this interview. Sometimes this
initial contact may be free. In most cases, it will not be.
Therapists are flexible regarding charges. One on one therapy sessions can
run anywhere from $30 to $250 per session. Sessions can run from 45
minutes to 1 1/2 hours. Expect to pay around $75 to $125/hour. Group
rates should be less. Group therapy usually requires a commitment to a
minimum number of sessions but the cost can be significantly less. Group
costs can range from $25/hour to $150/hour. Health insurance which
provides coverage for compulsive - addictive treatment may pick up some
of the costs. Some plans pick up as much as 90%. Most are around 50%.
Try not to let the costs determine the therapy chosen. You are sick. If you
had a fatal illness, would you worry much about the cost? Well, your
sickness is fatal and contagious. It also will get worse if something isn't
done about it.
One further consideration in selecting a recovery program or therapist is
to recognize that the program you start may not be the one you will finish.
Therapy will be temporary or at least should be considered as such. It
should last a minimum of ninety days for in-patient treatment and from
one to five years for out patient therapy. It is important that your attorney
be aware that you may need to change therapists or programs as you grow
and change. If he is not aware of this, the charges and criminal jurisdiction
may lock you into a treatment plan which you may later find inappropriate
for your needs. It is much better to have a flexible plan that permits you to
change therapists, clinics, and programs as your needs change.
This aspect of alternative choice in therapy is handy if you should get
embroiled in a program which is abusive. There are treatment programs
which entice molesters and their family with the idea that they can help the
entire family. As one molester discovered the hard way.
"Everything seemed to be perfect. The program had places not only for
myself and my victim but offered groups for my wife and our other
children. Once my wife started, the first thing they did was encourage her
to get a CINA - Child In Need of Assistance. This would provide more
protection for the victim and her, she was told.
At this point, I had supervised visitation with my non-molested children.
My wife requested that be continued. We were both assured by DCFS
(Department of Children and Family Services) that would continue. The
small print in the CINA included all the children. When we asked why that
was done, we were told it was standard practice. Visitation for the children
would still be worked out with DCFS so whatever they said would be the
visitation schedule.
The CINA referred to a case plan which we did NOT see until a month
after the CINA was in place. We were both taken aside after the court
hearing and told that all contact with the non-molested children was halted.
The case plan made the program we entered, mandatory for everyone in
the family.
One of the initial lures to this program was an approximate cost of $5,000
to $6,000 and a 6 month treatment plan. Once the court mandated this
plan, the cost sky-rocketed to well over $50,000 per year and the therapy
increased from 6 months to over 2 1/2 years. All of that would have been
acceptable.
We found out after 4 months in the program that the program's goal was
NOT to re-unify the family. In fact, the victims were coerced into not
wanting family re-unification.
If I had it to do all over, the one thing I would have tried to maintain was
the ability to change therapists and programs if I needed to. Without that
ability, my family and I were at the mercy of the therapists. Once they
knew I had no choice but them or jail, treatment went down hill rapidly.
Their concern was not in my recovery but in how long they could ride this
court - mandated gravy train."
It will be difficult to find any program that doesn't want total control of
your decision making abilities concerning therapy. The best that you can
hope to obtain is a time limitation. This time limitation should be different
for in-patient and out-patient treatment. A reasonable time limit for
in-patient care may be 2 to 3 weeks. Out-patient may be on the order of 3
to 6 months.
When the time limit expires, you are given the opportunity to re-evaluate the therapy treatment and find another program if so desired. Verbal promises should not be accepted. You should request all promises of flexibility in writing as well as guarantees on cost limits. The time limit should be renewable. Most program administrators will initially refuse such a request. Without a written guarantee try to look for another program.
Do not confuse the right to change therapists within a program as having
the ability to change clinics and programs. If the treatment program is
flawed and potentially abusive, you may not find therapeutic help by
changing to another therapist within the program. Those therapists who
may understand your needs and be able to help have probably been
weeded out of the program. Help usually lies in another program or at
another clinic.
There is more than one method of treatment for offenders and their
families. What may work well for one set of people will be out of place for
another. Some treatment centers will indicate their ability to customize a
program to your needs. In some cases, this does happen. In many others,
this becomes an unfulfilled promise. As long as you have the ability to
severe treatment and look elsewhere, this should be of little concern.
Depending upon the therapist, clinic, or treatment program, you may have
to sign admission papers. Read the fine print. Take exception to all areas
not to your liking. Make exceptions on the form prior to signing anything.
Place your initials and the date next to all exceptions.
Family Oriented Versus Victim Oriented <RETURN>
The two basic approaches to treating sexual offenders, especially incest
perpetrators, are Family Oriented and Victim Oriented. The Family
Oriented approach is to maintain the family structure. Too often this is
done at all costs. The perpetrating parent may be rushed back into the
family while the victim is pressured into forgiving the offender. Without
significant healing for both victim and offender, this approach, if rushed,
can lead to failure and re-victimization of the child.
The Victim Oriented approach was developed from the rape crisis centers
of the 70's. This approach's primary goal is to prevent possible
re-victimization of the child. At times this is taken to its own extremes.
Irrespective of the family and/or victim wishes, pressure is brought to bear
on the non-offending spouse, siblings, and victim to seek legal redress from
the offender. Spouses are pressured into seeking divorce. Punitive
measures using the judicial system are sought. Offenders seldom leave this
program without charges, prosecution, and probation unlike the Family
Oriented approach where disruption to the family is kept to a minimum.
Incest is a family tragedy. The uncovering of the secret is devastating to all
members. Family members would prefer it would all just go away. Even
victims have second thoughts after filing a report. This is why many
families and offenders seem to want to use the Family Oriented approach.
The problem is that this approach caters to the family's dysfunctional
dynamics and denial. This approach tends to force the family to accept the
offender back into the fold before significant changes have taken place -
both in the offender and in the family dynamics. The Victim Oriented
approach splits the family apart. This tends to force the family members to
deal with their individual issues. It also tends to deny the bond that family
members have established. Instead of working on healing the family and
the dysfunctional dynamics of the family, emphasis is placed entirely on the
individual members excluding the victim. Too many Victim Oriented
programs hold everyone accountable for the dysfunctionality in the family
except the victim. When victims are not held accountable for their own
dysfunctional behaviors, the family will have a difficult time healing. The
Victim Oriented approach tends to turn a blind eye on the behavioral
patterns of the victims. The all familiar attitude is that all of the victim's
problems are due to the abuse. Victims have been hurt too much in their
short young lives to be told that they will be held accountable for their
dysfunctional behaviors.
In very generalized terms, the Family Orientedapproach tends to be too
easy on the offender, blaming the family dynamics for the offender's
behavior. The Victim Oriented approach is too easy on the victim, blaming
the victim's dysfunctional behaviors on the offender. Some programs see
benefits in each approach and have tried to combined the two. The Victim
Oriented approach is used in the early intervention and treatment of the
offender with the approach changing in the latter part of treatment
towards family re-unification. This would initially hold the offender
accountable for their behavior while helping other family members deal
with their own issues. Only after the family members have made progress
in the area of individual recovery is the family dynamics introduced and
worked on. To be successful, each family member must be held
accountable for their own behavior in family interactions. It is tough for
Victim Oriented programs to hold victims accountable for the dysfunctional
behaviors they've learned. Simple family therapy tacked onto a Victim
Oriented approach normally fails to meet the family's needs. The family
dynamics are only half scrutinized because the victim's dysfunctional
behavior is overlooked as a potential disruptive force.
In-patient versus Out-patient
In-patient care will require that you admit yourself to a clinic for a
specified period - usually thirty, sixty, or ninety days. Make certain that
YOU have the right to cancel therapeutic treatment at any time. There are
some clinics which treat sexual offenders specifically and other clinics treat
sexual addiction. A sexual offender clinic would be preferred. These
clinics are excellent at determining if your present health insurance will
cover some of the cost of treatment. Most are able to give you a breakdown
of what your insurance will cover and what you'll have to pay. Understand
this estimate will usually be low. Most clinics charge in excess of $500 per
day. Therapists, doctors, and medication are extra. A 30 day stay will run
close to $20,000. Some insurance will cover 80 to 90% of in-patient
treatment.
In-patient therapy will be more intense. Most sexual offender clinics have
extremely tight security. Once admitted, you may not be able to leave for
the duration of treatment. This may be a specified time period or, in some
cases, you may not leave until you have proved yourself safe to society. If
the program becomes abusive, it is important that you retain the right to
stop therapy at any time. Usually there will be two or three therapy groups
per day as well as individual counselling on a daily basis. The day will be
broken up but there can be therapy in the evening and on week-ends.
Visitation by family and friends is usually limited. Family interaction may
be required. They may have to come to some of the group sessions. This
will be true if the clinic uses the Family Oriented approach. Your phone
conversation and mail, incoming and outgoing, may be screened. Your
ability to be alone will also be extremely curtailed at first with more
freedom given as you make progress.
Some clinics separate the sexes. Some clinics dealing with sexual offenders
and sexual dysfunction may have groups consisting of victims and
offenders. Some clinics will separate groups by the sexual offenses
committed and other mix them altogether. Some clinics may set up
different groups that meet through-out the day and week. Some programs
set up groups which start with one group of people and are disbanded
when most have left the program. This type of group never grows but may
gradually contract until there are only one or two original group members.
Some groups are rotating with members joining and leaving at different
times. These groups can expand and contract as the membership changes.
You may want to have the clinic explain how they set up groups. You may
feel more comfortable in a same sex, same offense style group. Once
admitted, you will find that you will not be given a choice in group
selection. You will be assigned to a group or even a variety of groups based
on the program guidelines.
In-patient therapy will usually require a celibacy contract. This contract is
a commitment made by the offender to not be sexual in any manner for a
set period of time. This includes masturbation. Enforcing a celibacy
contract in out-patient therapy is impossible. Celibacy contracts are a
valuable learning tool for sexual offenders. It is easier to get and enforce a
commitment to celibacy with in-patient therapy.
Out-patient therapy will usually consist of weekly or bi-weekly individual
therapy and weekly or bi-weekly group therapy. The advantage to
out-patient therapy is that time need not be taken from work if out-patient
therapy is available locally. The cost is generally less for out-patient
treatment. This may not be the case if your insurance treats in-patient and
out-patient therapy differently. Some insurers cover nothing for
out-patient therapy and 80% to 100% for in-patient therapy.
Out-patient therapy will last much longer than in-patient therapy.
In-patient therapy rarely lasts longer than ninety days while out-patient
therapy lasts at least six months and usually longer. Most in-patient clinics
are staffed to assist the offender in finding appropriate legal counsel. An
offender can enter a clinic and work through therapy while a lawyer is
retained to help with legal charges.
A word of caution is appropriate here. There have been incidence, where
the retained attorney has, supposedly for the client's good, gone back to the
state where charges would be filed and received a court order mandating
continued therapy at the particular clinic retaining the lawyer. This is not
presently a common practice but one to be aware of. This can also occur
with out-patient clinics. It is important to have your own attorney who
understands the system and can work for you not for the clinic or
treatment program.
The offender can come out of treatment and go to court within just a few
weeks or months. Usually the lawyer and treatment center recommend
probation and at times follow-up therapy. With out-patient therapy,
months may be spent in therapy prior to charges being pressed. With
out-patient therapy, successful completion of the program may be required
before charges or sentencing is considered.
Some offenders have gone through an in-patient offender's program and
the court system within two months. The typical in-patient cycle is about
three to six months or less. Out-patient therapy programs will last a year
or more. Some offenders have been involved in out-patient therapy and
probation remaining out of their homes for three or four years.
The time spent in therapy may appear to weigh heavily in favor of
in-patient treatment. What is not apparent is that the problem of child
molestation doesn't lend itself to a quick and easy remedy. Although
in-patient therapy is intense, it pushes some offenders faster than they can
handle. In many instances, the depth of commitment to recovery and
remorse can't be fully explored in two days, two weeks, or two months.
Victim empathy usually takes more time. There are many issues involved
which resolve at various times that differ from offender to offender.
Out-patient therapy gives each offender a better chance to take the time
needed to dig deeper into each issue. Therapy may seem to move slower in
out-patient groups but there is more time to work on assignments and just
feel the pain of being isolated from society as an offender. Sexual
dysfunction in-patient programs to be successful, like chemical dependency
in-patient treatment, rely heavily on 12 Step programs for aftercare.
In-patient treatment starts the process of recovery with the hope of using
12 Step groups to continue the process and add depth to the offender's
recovery. Out-patient care does not depend on 12 Step groups to continue
the process of healing although 12 Step groups can be helpful.
In-patient programs are usually more specific and uniform. Out-patient
therapy can be a hodge-podge of therapists and groups. Out-patient
therapy may be a full blown program or just a counselor retained who
deals with sexual dysfunction. The more concise and defined the program
is for the sexual offense, the better chance the offender has at recovery.
The more precisely a program is designed to treat child molesters, the
better will be its ability to help the offender. The question of in-patient
versus out-patient should be considered but the final selection should be
based on how well a specific program helps the offender stop the behavior
and prevent future relapses.
Breaking the Cycle is written to help the offender work through many of the issues as they come up in therapy. This book is not capable of being a self-help book. The problem of child molestation is far too serious to be treated without professional help. It would be like reading a book to try to treat cancer or a book on how to defend yourself in criminal court. There are many excellent books which will guide you and inform you of the professional help available. Child molestation is a major, major defect of character. It doesn't go away by reading a book. This book can be used as a guide to progress or as means of an alternative path of recovery. There is more than one method of dealing with child abusers. This book outlines a generic path to recovery. Specific details in working the issues should be done with a group and individual therapists versed in child abuse treatment.
Continue to Chapter 2
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