Chapter 7 - Victim/Survivor

Dealing with on-going sexual abuse

Victims working on abuse issues

Victims dealing with their own dysfunction

The Victim's issue of control

Victim's denial of the sexual abuse damage

Getting beyond childhood sexual abuse

Confronting the offender

Forgiving the offender

Victims <RETURN>

This chapter is for the victims of childhood sexual abuse. In fact, this entire book is written with a focus on all the victims of all types of childhood sexual abuse - offending and non-offending victims of sexual abuse. This chapter is different in that its purpose is to help the non-offending victims of sexual abuse deal with the aftermath of what happened to them and the dysfunctional behaviors they may have learned. The emphasis is not on recovery so much as a look at the victim's behavior and possible role in working their issues in dealing with their offender.

If you are a non-offending victim, you may have picked up this book to find out more about your abuser. You may wonder what there is you can do to confront your abuser. You may have even skipped to this chapter in hopes that it would tell you how to deal with your abuser.

<RETURN> First thing you should do, whether you are an adult or still a child, if you are presently in an abusive situation and your perpetrator is still sexually abusing you, you need to seek professional counsel immediately. Most state social services are equipped to deal with child molesters. In most cases, your abuser will be court mandated to have no contact with you for a period of a few months to over a year. In some cases, if you are a child, this could remain in effect until you become an adult. Hopefully, the court will force the offender to move away. No matter what the court or others do, you must get yourself out of the abusive environment even if that means that you have to move.

If you are still a child or teen-ager, there are state agencies and shelters which are available to provide safe living arrangements for abused children and teen-agers. Do not run away. Contact a school guidance counselor, a priest or pastor, a teacher, the Department of Human Services (some states have Departments of Family Services, Family & Children Services, or Child Protective Services). You may be unfortunate in telling a non-understanding adult. If you do not get help from the first adult you talk with, talk to other adults. You may know of another person your age who has had to deal with sexual abuse. You should talk with them. If you need help, they may know exactly how you can find it. Ask your friends if they know anyone who has had to deal with sexual abuse. You may be surprised to learn that as many as 2 out of every 5 girls have been molested before they reached 18. In some regions, this number is even higher. For boys this number is estimated at 1 out of 10. Since reporting of sexual abuse is more difficult for boys this number is probably lower than what takes place. It is absolutely imperative that you find help, get protection, and are no longer in danger of being sexually molested.

There are as many different feelings that a victim can have towards the abuser and about the abuse and the reporting of the abuse as there are ways of abusing a person. Victims can feel angry, guilty, shameful, depressed, stressed, or unburdened as well as other unmentioned emotions. If your abuser is a parent or close relative/family friend, you may feel some affection for this individual. You may just want the abuse to stop but you haven't told anyone because you don't want to get your abuser in trouble. You may hope that you can learn whatever it is you need so you can talk your abuser out of still sexually abusing you.

If you have the courage to talk to your abuser, you may find that your molester is very willing to stop the abuse. You are also likely to find these promises hollow. Many, but not all abusers, have more than one victim. You may feel you are the only victim.

As one victim stated,

"I was willing to sacrifice myself to my father to protect my other sisters. I made him a promise that I would not tell anyone as long as he would not abuse the other children. It wasn't until I was grown did I learn that he extracted that same promise from two of my other sisters."

Abusers don't simply stop. Abusers don't have control over their sexually inappropriate behavior. Usually some outside event stops an abuser. Abusers who stop without treatment usually stop for one of two reasons. One reason is fear of being exposed. A neighbor may be recently arrested for sexual abuse, the abuser's child enters psychological treatment, a spouse starts to become suspicious - any of these could create enough fear of exposure that the offender stops the sexual abuse. Usually such a halt to the abuse is only temporary. The abuser begins remolesting once those fears have subsided. This safe period may last a few weeks, months, or even years, but eventually the molesting starts again.

The other reason an abuser stops is because the victim has developed beyond the offender's desired body shape, size, or form. Most offenders have an age range which they are most attracted to. Usually this spans a few years but could be very wide - such as from young adolescent, 7 or 8, to adult. If an abuser stops because the child has developed beyond the desired body form, it does not mean the abuser will not locate another child who better matches the body form desired. You may be an adult now and wonder if you should bring up what happened to you. You may be ready but uncertain in how to broach the subject with your parents or your abuser. You may no longer live in close proximity to your abuser but may be concerned that your abuser is molesting other children - perhaps even your own children if they have contact.

Child molesters usually repeat a pattern of molestation with more than one victim. You may fear, hate, or possibly love your abuser. If you want to stop your abuser, the best way is to contact the authorities - social services or police. You can do it anonymously. Many offenders comment after getting the help they need, how thankful they were to the victim for reporting their behavior. It usually takes professional help for an abuser to stop molesting. Few offenders ever seek help on their own. Intervention from an outside agency is usually necessary.

Those few individuals trying to find help on their own are usually exposed when they explain their problems to a mandatory reporter. Quite a few therapists, if there is any indication of molestation taking place, warn their clients that any further discussion could lead to their arrest and conviction. This effectively stops those few offenders wanting help from getting it. Your abuser may have even tried getting help but when confronted with the possibility of jail and loss of family the decision to seek help was aborted.

After the abuser has been confronted and the abuse halted, the victims' feelings towards their perpetrator may include anger/rage, sadness, affection, shame, guilt, revenge, or fear. These emotions can and will vary from moment to moment. Recovery in many cases is much more difficult for the victim than for the abuser. This occurs because the focus of the victim is primarily external while the focus of abuser is internal.

With most recovery methods used for victims, the victim is encouraged to deal with what has happened to them. The offender on the other hand is forced to deal from the very beginning with their obviously dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors. The offender is encouraged (even forced) into re-evaluating basic personality traits and concepts. In order for the offender to heal, the offender must do more than just stop the illegal and detestable behavior of being sexual with children. Child molesting behaviors are symptomatic of the twisted view of sexuality which the offenders learned as children. The fact that this maladjusted attitude can be directly link to the sexual abuse of the offenders when they were children is never a reason to accept the abhorrent behavior. The offenders' abusive behaviors must be discontinued. To make sure the behavioral changes are not superficial, the outlook, attitude, and belief system of the offenders is directed towards healthier avenues. Simple sexual behavioral changes are not enough to warrant the term recovered for an offender. More than just a few therapists have remarked about victim and offender programs.

"Offenders make major gains in recovery in this program while the victims are stuck with little or no change. It's sad to see this happen."

<RETURN> This happens because victims, rather than dealing with their unhealthy behaviors and attitudes, are directed towards trying to understand what happened, why it happened, what their feelings might be, how to deal with those feelings, and a multitude of other victim oriented issues. Some of these other issues include understanding that their victimization was never their fault. Helping to empower the victim against further abuse is another area that is worked on. Some of this empowerment includes teaching the victim how to take back control. All these are important issues and will require time and effort. The problem is that these are life evolving issues. Issues that all victims need to work out over a lifetime. These are issues the offenders will eventually end up working. These are issues that increase the understanding of the victim to what happened, how it happened, and even how it affects them. Understanding these issues is not life molding - nor immediately behavioral changing.

All the knowledge in the world of why a particular molester molests will have little to no effect on the molester's behavior. This is true even if the molester acknowledges and fully accepts this knowledge as truth. In fact, many times just the opposite occurs. Offenders who see why they do what they do tend to use that as an excuse for not changing. Kind of like, 'This is why I am the way I am and there's no hope or reason to change.' In fact, most knowledgeable experts in treating offenders defer or even eliminate working on the offenders' victim issues for this very reason. Knowledge of why and how does not induce change because it isn't directed at change. This knowledge is directed at a deeper understanding. This is the necessary knowledge the offenders use to recognize when they are slipping back into old behaviors and why they are slipping back. This knowledge is for their use in changing the situation that may be causing this downward spiral. This is relapse prevention at work.

<RETURN> Victims do need to acknowledge what happened. That it was harmful and it was not their fault. This is the denial and grief stage that correlates to the denial and victim empathy stage of the offender. Following or included in the grief process is the anger over the loss of innocence. It is around the grief stage, the victim should begin to look at their own behaviors and forget about the perpetrator and what happened. At this point, most victims enter another denial stage over their own dysfunctional behavior. If victims avoid looking at their imperfect behavior, they will and can stay fixated on the abuse and the abuser. This avoids having to change. Just like the offender, a major shift in attitude, outlook, and behavior must occur if the victim is to get beyond the abuse.

The idea that victims can be too damaged psychologically to change can become a cop out that prevents the change from occurring. Many victims of ritual abuse have changed because they held themselves accountable for their recovery. They changed behaviors and attitudes because their old behaviors and old attitudes got in the way of their living a healthy, productive life. Blaming the offender did not change them. Neither did blaming themselves. They had to look at the way they were and acknowledge that they were that way because of choices they made. Understanding that their behavior was a choice, they could then learn how to make different, healthier choices.

For those victims having trouble dealing with obsessive thoughts about sexuality, a 12 Step sex addiction program will be very helpful. A 12 Step program for victims helps them to focus on whatever dysfunctional behavior may be making their life unmanageable. The 12 Steps originated from Alcoholics Anonymous and have been adapted by various other groups addictive, compulsive, obsessive individuals. There are 12 Step groups specifically set up to help victims of child sexual abuse. Three of the more familiar groups are SIA - Survivor's of Incest Anonymous, ISA - Incest Survivors Anonymous, and ACSD - Adult Children of Sexual Dysfunction.

The term accountable is defined as "capable of being explained" or "to bring to account". Account being defined as "to explain" or "to be responsible for or with". When an offender is held accountable, that means the offender is to understand and own what they did, the harm it caused, and the legal consequences of their actions.

There are victims who do not understand the term accountable. Many times when a victim indicates they want an offender held accountable, they are not looking for the offender to accept and acknowledge their dysfunctional behavior and its harm. What these victims are requesting is that the offender be sent to jail. Too often victims believe the only way an offender can be held accountable is to be sent to jail. Accountable, when used in this manner, does not mean to explain or be responsible for but to be punished.

Victims, when having the term accountable applied to their dysfunctional, harmful behavior, become defensive because of their incorrect definition of this term. This implies to the victims that they should be punished. The situation with victims is that their dysfunctional behavior IS their punishment. To stop the behavior, victims will need to acknowledge that they first have this behavior and, second, that this behavior is harmful to themselves and possibly others. This is what being accountable for dysfunctional behavior is. This is the definition of accountable that is used, whether applied to offenders or victims, in this book.

Many professionals spend too much time relieving victims of their accountability over the abuse. Victims should never be left with the idea that the abuse was their fault but victims, as well as professionals, too often expand the offender's accountability to include the victim's dysfunctional behavior. Victims have sit in mixed groups of offenders, family and friends of the abused and the abuser and have erroneously transferred their accountability for their actions on to the abusers. In one such session, a very irate victim accosted an abuser in denial.

"You have no idea what you've done to your daughter! My father and brother molested me. They made me run away and become a hooker and a drug addict! You have done the same thing to your daughter."

It is important that the victim acknowledge that they decided to run away. They made the decisions to take drugs and then sell their bodies to pay for those drugs. These were their responses to the sexual abuse they endured. The real reason offenders get help is they are held accountable for their actions and decisions. Many offenders, as they heal, can see how their molesting behavior was their response to the abuse they suffered as children. The fact the offender was abused does not mitigate their accountability for their response to the abuse. The help needed for the victim was confrontation with the fact that no one forced drugs onto them. No one sold their body on the street corner to pay for those drugs. In fact, no one threw them out of the house.

The too-oft-heard retort to the above is that they would not have done those things if they had not been sexually molested. Most all offenders could use this same argument. Fortunately for offenders, they are not allowed to shuck their accountability in this manner. Victims are unfortunate because they suffer continued dysfunctional behaviors because they 'appear' too fragile to be confronted with these behaviors. By linking their dysfunctional response to the abuse they suffered, victims dodge having to deal with their problems. Too many professionals still encourage rather than confront the erroneous projection of fault by victims. A disservice is done to victims when they are encouraged to continue in the belief that all of their problems are the fault of their abuser. By not holding the victim accountable for their behaviors, the victim perpetuates the behavior because it's someone else's fault. As adults, victims must be held fully accountable for changing their dysfunctional behavior. Placing the blame elsewhere, only delays or prevents change from occurring. Many of the lessons learned in the treatment of offenders can be carried over into the treatment of victims. When this is done the victims respond with positive results.

Victims of child abuse have been injured. Their injuries show up as dysfunctional behaviors. An indepth study of victims of child abuse (all child abuse - not just sexual abuse) shows a direct correlation between the severity of the abuse and the number and severity of the addictions the victim has. An addiction is just one of a multitude of dysfunctional behaviors that makes life unmanageable. Knowing that addictions stem from child abuse does not cure the addict. Rehabilitating the addict requires the addict to hold themselves responsible for their recovery. They are told that they make the choice to use and it's their responsibility to make the choice not to use. Not one single professional expects addicts to heal from their addictive behaviors by working issues around their childhood abuse. Yet time again, victims of childhood sexual abuse come for treatment as alcoholics or drug users and the response has been to get them to deal with their sexual abuse issues rather than holding them accountable for their behavior. There comes a time for all victims to work on their childhood abuse issues but this occurs in aftercare as an on-going rehabilitation process.

<RETURN> Victims have a multitude of behaviors that are readily diagnosed as dysfunctional yet these behaviors are overlooked in working the issues around the abuse. One of the major issues that most victims struggle with is the issue of control. This issue is developed and worked out for the victim as a lack of control.

As children, they had none or little control over their abuse. Victims are empowered and encouraged to take back control. What's lost is that victims have evolved their own control mechanisms just as offenders have. Where an offender's method of control is mostly seen as force, many offender's use coercion and manipulation to get their needs met. The most common dysfunctional control used by victims is passive-aggressive behavior. Victims can also use coercion and manipulation to get their needs met. More than just one victim has acknowledged the trading of sex to get certain favored treatment by the offender within the family. This is a control issue and victims do develop their own dysfunctional means of control.

Professionals unaware of the victim's misguided use of control can, during the empowering stage of treatment, help victims to add their victimization as another dysfunctional means of control. This is done very successfully by the victims to justify their verbally and emotionally abusive behavior. Victims feel justified in taking out their repressed anger on others because they were hurt so deeply as children.

They can raise their voice and verbally abuse others. If anyone should stand up to the abuse, the victim shames and guilt the person confronting them because others should understand how deeply hurt the psyche of the sexually abused child is. This implies that the victim can not and should not be held accountable for their uncontrollable abusive behavior.

Because of a potential fear the victim may have of their perpetrator, many victims are encouraged to direct their anger at other people. If these other individuals were child molesters, this transference of anger is not only encouraged but at times fed upon by professionals. It is done in the name of helping the victim get in touch with their repressed anger. It is also encouraging the victims to be verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. When done in a therapeutic session, the stamp of authority makes this even more of a disservice to the victim.

This is not referring to therapeutic role playing where a person pretends to be the abuser so the victim can express their anger over the actions of their perpetrator. Role playing is very different from encouraging the transference of anger on to a person other than the person the victim is angry with. In role playing, both participants are told who will play which part. The person role playing the offender is to role play the victim's offender. The victim is instructed to talk to their surrogate abuser and tell them exactly how they feel about their own abuse. In role playing, the anger of the victim is directed through a surrogate towards their own abuser. This is an appropriate method for the victim to express their feelings of hurt and anger.

Encouraging the transference of anger occurs when therapists or others set up a confrontational situation with a victim (or victims) and an offender (or offenders) other than the victim's abuser(s) without explaining the ground rules. In this setting, the victim(s) is encouraged to confront the offender(s) even if the confrontation is irrational or unexplainable. The victim(s) tends to view the offender(s) as having committed their offense in the same manner as the victim(s) was abused. Instead of directing their anger against their own abuser and their own abuse, the victim(s) is misdirecting their anger onto a person who has not harmed them. In fact, in many such setting, the offender(s) is present because of a desire to help. The offender's presence maybe an act of amends transference. Not being allowed or having the opportunity to help their own victim, offenders will want to try to help other victims.

Victims find it easier and safer to be angry for another victim than to acknowledge and work through their own anger. When victims are allowed to transfer their anger, they become abusive. This is a dysfunctional behavior which should be confronted and stopped. There are professionals who employ this dysfunctional procedure to address the victim's anger and to 'help' offenders get out of denial. This is very seldom successful for either the victim or the offender.

Many incest victims find they are angrier with the non-offending parent than they are with their perpetrator. Unknowledgeable lay people feel that the non-offending parent had to know. This is a myth that a few professionals hold onto and indulge the victim in transferring this anger to the protective parent. This is usually done in a more subtle fashion by agreeing with the victim that they did send signals the protective parent should have picked up on. It is also done by allowing the victim to be angry if the protective parent shows compassion for their spouse - the victims' abuser. This behavior of the victims is part of their all or none thinking. Either the protective parent loves them or they love the abuser. Too many professionals support this attitude of the victim. Some encourage it. Very few confront it and get the victim to acknowledge this as a dysfunctional part of their transference of anger.

When a victim has used passive-aggressive action or other misdirected behavior to communicate they are being abused, it is for the victim's benefit they be shown that they did not adequately communicate the abuse. Victims need to acknowledge their way of trying to bring the abuse to light was not always valid. Victims who come to see this as dysfunctional can learn new ways to communicate their need for protection. They also can learn they did have a protective parent who cares very much about and for them. In this manner, the victims can be taught to trust others. They can come to see their behaviors as being part of the problem. Too often a great deal of time is spent in blaming the non-offending parent rather than looking at and acknowledging the dysfunctional behavior of the victim.

It is not victim blaming to point this deficiency out. When a victim indicates, 'My mom should know my dad was hurting me because I would kick her in the shin when she got home after dad molested me.', this is not a viable means of letting someone know they are being molested. The child needs this pointed out as their dysfunctional behavior. If victims are not taught that what they are doing is not functional, how are they to know what or how to change. Victims have major problems and not holding victims accountable for their symptomatic behaviors simply continues the behaviors in their life.

Victims are quick to pick up on those who do not hold them accountable for their dysfunctional behavior due to their victim status. There becomes a special way that victims are and, in some professionals' opinions, must be treated in therapy. The problem with this is that it sets the victims apart and treats them special. The idea planted into the victim is that as long as they haven't sexually abused a child, they are better than those who have sexually abused children. This point is brought to bear even more forcibly when counselors/therapists tell victims and abusers that abusers lose the right to be considered victims once they've abused. Being victimized can not be undone by any specific behavior. This is the problem that all victims are working to overcome - their inappropriate responses to their own victimization. It is the victim's attempt to unvictimize themself through dysfunctional behavior that creates the problems in the victim's life.

By not being held accountable for their dysfunctional behavior, victims may come to feel they are special and in some way superior to others - especially offenders. This is a facade because many of these victims know consciously or subconsciously that they are and have been abusive - if not to children then to other adults. Victims tend to feel that as long as they are not sexually abusive, other abusive type behaviors are not so bad.

<RETURN> Therapeutic treatment of abusers indicates that abusers tend to rationalize their ability to judge the effect of their behavior on others. Thus if an abuser feels an action is not abusive then those feeling abused by that behavior are wrong. Abuse can never be judged by those committing the behavior. The abusiveness of a behavior can only be determined by the victim. This tendency by victims to rank any and all sexual abuse as being more devastating than any other forms of abuse is sadly encouraged by many victim counselors. This is done at times in trying to help the victim let go of the shame they may feel over some of their dysfunctional abusive behavior. It comes out as; "At least, you don't sexually abuse children." This encourages victims to take on an abuser's mentality by feeling they can judge their actions as being less abusive than the actions of others. This allows victims to discredit the feelings of their own victims.

The rationale becomes that 'Yes, that may be somewhat abusive but as it isn't sexual, it can not be as bad as what was done to me.' type of attitude. This attitude can grow and develop within the victim to the point where any and all abusive behaviors are denied as not being 'that' bad. Yelling at the kids is not as bad as sexually abusing them. Spanking the kids isn't as bad as sexually abusing them. Emotionally and psychologically abusing the kids through verbal and physical abuse is not as bad as sexually abusing them. Parading around in underwear isn't as bad as sexual intercourse. Watching a 10 and 12 year old bathe isn't as bad as performing oral intercourse. This rational is very easy for victims to embrace. It can come to the point of the victim denying that their behavior is abusive and, at times, sexually abusive. Professionals should be aware of this tendency and need to work at helping victims to understand that abuse is abuse. Victims, as much as abusers, need to be taught that abuse can never be judged by the person acting out but only by the person acted upon.

Offenders, prior to perpetration, come to feel somewhat special in some manner. This specialness leads to falsely feeling superior. This superior feeling may have come from scholastic, artistic, athletic, or some other special achievement. This feeling of superiority may also come from being made to feel different. A sickly child is made to feel different and, at the same time, special. This special difference may even be encouraged by the parents. The abusers' feeling of superiority tends to make them feel that they are beyond the need to follow the same rules others in society must follow. Offenders do this in a couple of ways. The most prevalent is denial that their behavior is abusive. That their superiority allows them either to 'share' the intoxicating feeling of sexualness or to 'teach' the child the 'proper' form of sexuality because the offender has this special ability to 'share' or 'teach'. The offender may also rationalize that due to their superiority that the meeting of their own needs can and should come first even it is at a slight inconvenience of others. Again the problem lies in the abuser judging their behavior non-abusive or, at worst, a slight inconvenience. This attitude held by offenders is confronted continuously through out therapy because of the tendency to fall back into rationalization. Confronting abusers and holding them accountable for their behavior is a very important part of offender treatment.

In not confronting victims' dysfunctional behavior, victims find they are being treated in a different and special manner. This status of being a victim can lead to feelings of superiority or importance. Victims can be led to feel their needs are more important than the needs of others. Combining this with the idea that sexual abuse is the worst of all abusive behaviors, victims can become abusive. It's difficult to have a victim work through their anger at being abused and still be adequately confronted about their own abusive behavior. For victims, anger and abuse is tied up just like sex and abuse are tied together. Victims have difficulty at times understanding when sex isn't abusive. They also are not clear when anger isn't abusive. The 'All or None' part of the victim feels that if they avoid anger (and sex) then they will not be abused nor abusive. When encouraged to be angry as part of their recovery, victims have a very difficult time in seeing their anger as abusive when it is misdirected. It now becomes okay for them to be angry and without proper guidelines, this anger spilled sideways can and will become abusive.

Because a victim was abused, does not give that victim the right to be abusive. The victim's need to deal with their pent up anger does not mean that it is okay that others are abused verbally, emotionally, or physically. Having been abused does not grant victims the special ability to determine when others may feel abused. Victims victimize because that is what they know. When a victim's need to heal is put into a perspective that the victim's needs are more important than others then the victim is being set up to become abusive. Victims who are allowed to feel that what they do or say is not as bad as what has been done to them or said to them, may end up pushing their own abusiveness to and beyond that point.

Victims need to learn about boundaries and appropriate behavior before they can start to deal with their own internal rage.

As one victim puts it;

"I'm so afraid of releasing my anger because if I do, it will destroy everything around me. I fear that my anger will turn to abuse."

It's clear this victim has not learned about boundaries, appropriate behavior, or that the expression of anger does not have to be abusive.

When victims are held accountable for their behavior, they can and will learn about appropriate boundaries. As victims are confronted and their behaviors of addiction and abuse are held up for them to see, they learn how to behave in a more appropriate manner. In learning how to behave more appropriately, victims understand they can change and they can control their own behavior. In so doing, victims can easily be taught how to express their various feelings in an appropriate manner. If offenders are capable of learning that they have feelings and that the expression of those feeling can occur appropriately, victims can also learn about appropriate behavior.

There are victims who have a very hard time in seeing the damage done by the sexual abuse. Their denial can be as ingrained as the abuser's. Victims in confronting and acknowledging their dysfunctionality can come to see the damage their dysfunctional behavior has on their life. This occurs in the process of the victim attempting to change these behaviors. As the victim finds out how difficult it is to rid themself of a dysfunctional behavior, they begin to see the amount of damage done. By acknowledging an unwanted behavior and working to change that behavior, can a victim truly appreciate the damage done when the dysfunctional behavior is tied to the abuse. Tying the dysfunctional behavior to the abuse before the victim acknowledges the damage done to them by this behavior only excuses the victim from working on the behavior. Individuals do not work to change a behavior by learning why they have it. Change is motivated when an individual fully acknowledges the destructiveness of a behavior, finds the reason to change that behavior, and firmly believes they can change the behavior. The key is to get the behavior changed or at least under control before tying it to the abuse.

An alcoholic who works through their alcoholism and becomes sober understands the devastating effect of this addiction. After the alcoholism is under control explaining it as a response to the loneliness they felt as a victimized child, the victim has little difficulty in seeing and understanding the loss. This understanding of the damage of child abuse is not a surface intellectual thing because it is directly tied to a damaging response by the victim. This is the gut level understanding the victim needs in order to feel the loss. In working through the gut wrenching grief of this loss, the victim will proceed to a natural anger addressing what the perpetrator did. This anger need not be induced or encouraged, it will come and it will be directed instead of misdirected. This anger will ebb and flow with the recovery of the victim from the dysfunctional behaviors. It will be an anger short lived because it is not needed to motivate the victim to change. The victim has been changing and anger is a small part of the recovery. Not the catalyst for change.

In changing, the victim disconnects from the abuse. The past becomes the past. It becomes what happened to them- not what they are nor what they can become. In making changes, the victim looks to the future and sees the changes made as movement away from the abuse. This is what the victim is looking for but many do not understand the work necessary to get there. The pain of recovery will feel much like the pain of the original abuse. Changes are painful. Learning that one is responsible for their own dysfunction feels like the blame of the original abuse.

<RETURN> As a victim, you may feel angry at learning that you have behaviors which are yours to deal with. It may feel like you are being blamed for these behaviors. It may feel like life is unfair and you should not be forced to participate. You are standing on the edge of discovery. You can look back to the abuse or forward to your recovery. The paths are divergent. The path to the issues of abuse leads downward while the path to recovery leads upward. It is a much more difficult but rewarding path.

Although the path leads away from the original abuse, you will not be spared sights of the past abuse. In fact, many past abuses will become clearer and more focused. As you work through the various behaviors that held you back, you should become aware of the trauma you suffered. The connection of the trauma to your loss will be acute and the pain may at times be intense but it will fade. It fades as you get healthier. This is not running from the abusive path but working towards healthy behaviors. You will not escape the past but hopefully you will learn not to regret it either.

Many victims who begin to work their issues around their compulsive sex behaviors for the first time clearly see the effects of their abuse. One individual first recognized his desire for voyeurism and exhibitionism started when the woman who drove him to school would expose herself by pulling up her skirt to reveal her underwear. In working issues of sexuality, you may uncover forgotten abuses and forgotten abusers. If like many other victims working on their own behaviors these flashes will hurt and may curtail some of your recovery temporarily. By sticking with your behavioral issues, you can work beyond the pain of the original abuse.

The reason the abuse will have less and less effect on you is that the behaviors you learned in response to the abuse will change. Your life will cease being as unmanageable as it once was. You will take on a glow of success. You will defeat your abuse and your abuser. Your life can and will become your own. It must if you are to function as a whole individual. Those who say your abuse destroyed your life are wrong. You will find that your abuse directed your life until you let go of it and looked to yourself to change.

Look at your abusers. These poor unfortunates were also abused. They may or may not overcome their abuse and their abusive behaviors but many offenders have overcome their pasts by working on their behaviors. The abuse which twisted and maimed the sexuality of the abuser can be overcome. If abusers can work beyond their abuse, you will find the ability also. Offenders have done it only by working on their behaviors. Offenders may have been blessed with such blatantly illegal behaviors that it has forced them to deal with their dysfunction. It has helped them to work through their denial. You will find that abusers who have worked through their abusive behaviors are grateful to their victims for exposing them and forcing them to seek help.

You should never be thankful for being abused. You may come to be thankful that in having to deal with the abuse in the open that you see that it is your response - your behavior - to the abuse that is the problem. In working on these responses, you free yourself from your life inhibiting behaviors and in so doing, you free yourself from your abuse. As you see and understand how your response to the abuse effects your day to day behaviors, you will see how changing those behaviors requires a change in ideas and attitudes. You may begin to see that you have more in common with your abuser than you have different. This may lead to a sympathy or empathy with the abuser. This should be guarded against in the early stages of your recovery.

Early on, this empathy may lead back to enmeshment - may lead to false expectation of changes in your abuser. That is why it is so important for you to separate from the offender and work on your own issues. You deserve to become a healthier person. The fact is that whether you become stronger and healthier has absolutely nothing to do with your abuser.

<RETURN> Your abuser may want to apologize to you. You have every right to refuse to be apart of an apology session but doing so may not be beneficial. An apology session, while it is something the abuser needs to do, can be a growing experience for you. Offenders need to feel remorse and regret for what they have done. For their recovery, they need to work to the point of apologizing. It is the abuser's understanding of the harm they have done to you that brings forth this need to apologize. If your abuser and you are in therapy, you should request that all sessions with your abuser be held on your turf with the people you need to support you.

Before an apology session is set, it would be wise to request a letter of apology. This letter lets you work through issues you find in the abuser's denial. You can learn a lot from such a session if you are willing to stay focused. Your abuser may ask to be forgiven. This is a tough position to be in and it is an unfair request of you. For you to heal from the abuse, you may need to forgive the abuser. This forgiveness is something you do for yourself and not for the abuser. Forgiveness given too early in the abuser's recovery can derail the abuser's recovery. Your abuser may feel since they are forgiven, they have not really done much harm and therefore have little left to work on. It is ironic how forgiving your abuser could mess them up more than confronting them. If during the apology session, you feel the need to forgive, try to keep from doing it. You need to take care of yourself but make sure you are doing it because it breaks the bond you have with your abuser not because you feel sorry.

<RETURN> Forgiveness comes in the later part of victim recovery. You will come to a point where your major behavioral issues have been resolved. Your anger will have dissipated. You will see your abuser as a poor, pathetic victim who responded by victimizing others. You will appreciate your own recovery and know that victims can get beyond the pain and hurt of being victimized. There will be an awakening to the idea that you and your abuser will be tied to each other until you let go. The means of letting go and accepting the abuse in the past comes through forgiveness. Too many people confuse forgive with excuse. When you forgive, you are saying you understand that what the abuser did was wrong and bad - not that the abuser was bad - just the actions of the abuser. It is healthy to never excuse the behavior of the abuser. What happened was wrong. The behavior was wrong. The past can not be changed but the offender can. The abuse can not be denied but it also does not have to rule your life. You will find that in your forgiveness, you pass beyond the abuse and the abuser. You may also find when you forgive your abuser, you can forgive yourself. No one blames a victim more than the victim. It's an internal battle you played with yourself. Not totally certain that 100% of the abuse was the abuser's fault, you carried part of the guilt and shame of the abuse. Some victims denied they carried any guilt or shame until they forgave their abuser. In that forgiveness, they found their own forgiveness. It is easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself. So forgiveness of the abuser is really working towards forgiveness of yourself.

<RETURN> There may come a time when you may want to confront your abuser. This is progress. The idea of confrontation should be internally generated. You should be wanting to do this for yourself. This should not be a means of revenge or a means of getting that poor, unrecovering abuser into therapy. You should confront so you can set boundaries with the person who broke so many. This is learning a new and stronger behavior. It should not be to hurt or heal. It should be a means by which you change the way you interacted with your abuser.

Understand you are not taking control. You are changing how you are willing to deal with someone. Setting boundaries and informing others of those boundaries is a new and healthy behavior - one you will find helps you. You can not control how your abuser will react to your boundaries. You can not control whether your boundaries will be maintained by your abuser. You can and should make certain that you never place yourself in a situation which allows your abuser to re-molest you. You are teaching yourself how to take control of the only thing you can control - yourself. This is not an easy task and you should seek out all the help you can find. An excellent book to help you deal with confronting your abuser is Susan Forward's, Toxic Parents.

If you get well, that is your doing. If you stay sick that is also your doing. The attitude or notion that you would not be sick if you had not been molested is a self-defeating notion. It's an excuse to blame something or somebody for your dysfunctions. If you stay sick, you need to hold yourself accountable for that.

You will run into victims who will tell you that recovery takes years and years and you can never fully get over it. They are correct to a certain extent. Recovery will continue as long as you live. If you work hard at changing your behaviors which requires a shift in attitude, you will make progress. The progress will become more and more and within a few months, even a year, you will be surprised at how much better you will feel. Once you have started a recovery program, you will notice how there always is just one more small thing you could change to improve your behavior and attitude. You have a long life ahead of you. If you work on you, you will find it healthy and rewarding. If you use it to work on your abuser and on the abuses, you may find yourself stuck. The choice is yours.

Continue to Chapter 8 - Stories

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