The rule of comedy and substitution.
I’m sure I once saw it written down by an ancient Grecian philosopher or playwright that there were only six basic rules to comedy. Nearly all of them involve laughing at someone less fortunate than you but one of which was ‘the transposition of the expected for the unexpected’.
I took this comedy rule to heart and thought – perhaps you can make a joke by leading people to expect something of one polar orientation and instead present them blindside with the antithesis of what they had been led to believe they would find. It is a risky rule to live by, as the Jehova’s Witness’ess’es’ who called at my door the other week found, when I presented them with a ritual disembowelling dagger and asked them if they would like to partake in my worship of the unspoken beast and shining apostate angel by loosing the blood of a virgin upon the blackened stones of sacrilegious doom. Honestly, some people can’t take a joke. By contrast, he bloke who came to read the gas meter just laughed. Apparently he likes ritual slaughter. Anyway, none of this chit-chat is bringing me anywhere closer to the attainment of the black mage acolyte grade VIIII demon-warding and Animal Husbandry badge.
So, back to the point. I like Rock music, and the energy and power that goes with it. I hate ballads (except for Alice Cooper who somehow always manages to make it into a sick twisted bitter lament about killing yourself for a sado-masochistic woman who you want to fry alive on the griddle of satan’s barbeque, and Aerosmith because their ballads are pretty yet invariably about some common skank whore who has broken Stephen Tyler’s heart. Apart from the ones about his daughter, but maybe she’s a common skank whore on weekends. Out of season.)
Love songs make me retch. I despise them. This isn’t the Renaissance… if you love someone, text them. Don’t hang around under their balcony with a lute, trying to persuade them to dump Dean (their new fancy) with an impressive range of minor chords and heartfelt lyrics and face-wringing expressions as you pluck those sorrowful notes out of the ether.
So, as an experiment that harked back to the old days in school, where you looked up the word ‘Fart’ in the dictionary to see if it was there, and tittered and told everyone else ‘Hey, “Fart” is a real word! It’s in the dictionary!” I set about mocking the very music I hate. My rule;-
“For every ‘love’;…there shall be a ‘Shit’.
Whenceforth there be love, let there now be shit.
Should some poor soul have a lover, they now havest a shitter.
The act of loving shall from this day be known as shitting.
And in compliment to all of the above, we shall bend the rules of grammar to try and make it funnier. And insert an ‘a’ if it makes it scan better”
So I took the first 100 songs with love in the title and shat them up.
I like it.
And I also think there are some hidden truths in the transposition of words. Deem for yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the TOP 100 Love Song Shitterations
|
100 |
Fiddlers' Dram |
Didn't we have a shitty time the day we went to Bangor |
|
99 |
Booker Newbury III |
Shit Town |
|
98 |
Kenny Rodgers |
Share your shit with me |
|
97 |
Barney the Dinosaur |
I shit you, you shit me, we're a happy family |
|
96 |
The Supremes |
Baby shit |
|
95 |
Neil Diamond |
Shit on the rocks |
|
94 |
Billy Ocean |
Shit really hurts without you |
|
93 |
Dionne Warwick |
All the shit in the world |
|
92 |
Mariah Carey |
Shit takes time |
|
91 |
Beatles |
You've got to hide your shit away |
|
90 |
Bay City Rollers |
Give a little shit |
|
89 |
The Drifters |
There goes my first shit |
|
88 |
Lou Rawls |
You'll never find another shit like mine |
|
87 |
The Searchers |
Shit potion number 9 |
|
86 |
Diana Ross |
Endless shit |
|
85 |
Everly Brothers |
Bye Bye Shit |
|
84 |
Leo Sayer |
How much shit |
|
83 |
Dionne Warwick |
I'll never shit this way |
|
82 |
Barry White |
I've got so much shit to give |
|
81 |
Spandau Ballet |
Crashed into shit |
|
80 |
David Essex |
Hot shit |
|
79 |
10cc |
I'm not in shit |
|
78 |
Sting |
My one and only shit |
|
77 |
Beatles |
Can't buy me shit |
|
76 |
Soft Cell |
Tainted shit |
|
75 |
DJ Tiesto |
Shit parade |
|
74 |
Donny Osmond |
(and they call it) Puppy shit |
|
73 |
Whitney Houston |
The greatest shit of all |
|
72 |
Boyz II men |
The colour of shit |
|
71 |
Righteous Brothers |
You've lost that shitting feeling |
|
70 |
Girls Aloud |
Shit machine |
|
69 |
Stevie wonder |
Isn't she shitty |
|
68 |
Haddaway |
What is shit? |
|
67 |
Thin Lizzy |
Still in shit with you |
|
66 |
Pete Cetera |
Glory of shit |
|
65 |
Akon |
I wanna shit you |
|
64 |
Bronski Beat and Mark Almond |
I feel shit |
|
63 |
Roxy Music |
Shit is the drug |
|
62 |
Maroon 5 |
This Shit |
|
61 |
Elton John |
Are you ready for shit? |
|
60 |
Anastacia |
I'm outta shit |
|
59 |
George Michael |
Fast Shit |
|
58 |
Renee and Renata |
Save your shit |
|
57 |
Michael Ball |
Shit changes everything |
|
56 |
Black Eyed Peas |
Where is the shit? |
|
55 |
Flying Pickets |
When you're young and in shit |
|
54 |
David Bowie |
Shitting the alien |
|
53 |
The Cult |
Shit removal machine |
|
52 |
UB40 |
Falling in shit with you |
|
51 |
tATu |
Shits me, shits me not |
|
50 |
Beatles |
Can't buy me shit |
|
49 |
Rush |
The speed of shit |
|
48 |
Sisters of Mercy |
Temple of Shit |
|
47 |
Joy Division |
Shit will tear us apart |
|
46 |
St Winifreds Church Choir |
Grandma, we shit you |
|
45 |
Whitesnake |
Shit hunter |
|
44 |
Steps |
Shit's got a hold of my heart |
|
43 |
Eurythmics |
Shit is a stranger |
|
42 |
Phil collins and Phil Bailey |
Easy shitter |
|
41 |
Jennifer Rush |
The power of Shit |
|
40 |
Def Leppard |
When shit and hate collide |
|
39 |
Weezer |
Shit Explosion |
|
38 |
Tina Turner |
What's shit got to do with it? |
|
37 |
Faith Hill |
Let's make shit |
|
36 |
Golden Earring |
Radar shit |
|
35 |
Skid Row |
Psycho shit |
|
34 |
Robert Palmer |
Addicted to shit |
|
33 |
Stevie Wonder |
I just called to say I shat you |
|
32 |
Fr. Ted Crilley and Fr Dougal Maguire |
My Shitty Horse |
|
31 |
Mary MacGregor |
Torn between two shitters |
|
30 |
Percy sledge |
When a man shits a woman |
|
29 |
Maroon 5 |
She will be shat |
|
28 |
Jennifer Lopez |
Shit don't cost a thing |
|
27 |
Daniel Bedingfield |
Nothing hurts like (a) shit |
|
26 |
Elvis |
I can't stop shitting you |
|
25 |
Wet Wet Wet |
Shit is all around |
|
24 |
Madness |
It must be shit |
|
23 |
The Cure |
Friday I'm in Shit |
|
22 |
Def Leppard |
Shit bites |
|
21 |
Beatles |
All you need is shit |
|
20 |
Beyonce |
Crazy in shit |
|
19 |
Prince |
I wanna be your shitter |
|
18 |
Queen |
Crazy little thing called shit |
|
17 |
Texas |
I don't want another shitter |
|
16 |
Phil Collins |
A groovy kind of shit |
|
15 |
Elton John |
Can you feel the shit tonight? |
|
14 |
Roxette |
It must have been shit (but it's over now) |
|
13 |
Whitesnake |
Is this shit? (that I'm feeling) |
|
12 |
Phil Collins |
You can't hurry (a) shit |
|
11 |
Foreigner |
I want to know what shit is |
|
10 |
Meatloaf- |
I would do anything for (a) shit (but I won't do that) |
|
9 |
Elvis |
Burning shit |
|
8 |
The Cure |
Shit cats |
|
7 |
Elvis |
Shit me tender |
|
6 |
Bee Gees |
How deep is your shit? |
|
5 |
Whitney Houston |
I will always shit you |
|
4 |
Aerosmith |
Shit in an elevator |
|
3 |
Take That |
A million shit songs |
|
2 |
Led Zeppelin |
Whole lotta shit |
|
1 |
Prince |
Shitsexy |
I THANK YOU.
Good night.
Rotating wobbly hat for b3ta.com