Travelogue during German GP: Lost in China While Looking For Zuhai; Again!

or; Dead and horizontal dictators on public display are like stars in the Michelin Guide.

by Inky Black

The Dixie Hills All-Girl Pit Crew are back and boy are the Chinese happy about that. China, teeming cities and looming mountains, groaning trains and foaming beer. Yes, pretty good beer! The pit crew couldn't be at Hockenheim for the German Grand Prix, but this beer made them feel better about it. Way back when, some Germans were in Ching Dao long enough to impart brewing secrets to the Chinese. That was before they got their butts kicked of the continent.

Well, slow trains and good beer makes for bad tourists... But the Chinese don't mind. They are fabulous folks, so nice and kind and humorous that you really want to help kick their government's butt off the continent.

The Pit Crew were in China looking for Zuhai because Berni thought it was a good way to get rid of them for a bit. He told 'em "Zuhai is in the middle of nowhere; "Get there immediately and check out the new race track." You can tell at a glance that China is an adventure. Dead and horizontal dictators on public display are like stars in the Michelin Guide. The more waxed dead guys laying around, the wilder the holiday.

The crew stopped for a phrase book, of course; but not a map. "Strange alphabet," they thought, about 15,000 characters long. You just know there's some Chinese kid out there in the middle of his ABC's thinking he's gonna die before he gets to the bathroom. But having been to Scranton, Elmira and Monte Carlo, the pit crew considered themselves seasoned travelers. This means they expected the Chinese to talk funny. No problems here.

The first thing to do in China is say "Knee How." It means hello and you can say it like a Texan, give 'em a hearty slap on the back, and they'll know what you mean. You often hear the phrase as "Knee How, Knee How Ma?" This means something like "Hello, How's your mother?"

The second thing to do is go to the train station and wait. Wait for tickets, not the train. The Chinese government is some kind of monument to inactivity, sort of dedicated to concrete. The government is basically in charge of everything because it's a people's democracy, and nothing will happen about your train tickets until the "top guy" gives his go ahead. As of this writing the "Big Honcho" is still Mao. He is horizontal and looking pretty waxy on public display at a mausoleum in the middle of Beijing; but we think they still go to him for every ticket approval.

Anyway, if your rail request is in Chinese it seems to be pre-approved. So the best way for tickets is to get the phrasebook and ink out, in Chinese characters, "one ticket, Beijing to Shanghai, second class, date and time."

When you've finished writing don't bother to try and proofread it 'cause it will look like Greek to you. You will have no idea what it says. But when you quietly hand it to the ticket person they will give you great service, providing you haven't confused it with the other note you carry which says "Your food is very excellent, where is the bathroom?"

The third thing to do in China is get out of the big cities and into the country where you get a sense of something else, and you can use Monopoly money to save on expenses.

Fourth is to practice saying "Lou PeeJoe." This roughly translates to six-pack and don't worry about the funny look you get. They don't have six-packs of beer in China and the salesperson is wondering why absolutely every Americano always orders six beers at a time. There are towns that haven't seen an Americano in their lifetime and when you come walking down the street they know you're going to come in and ask for six beers. Don't bother stocking up for the train ride. The trains are so slow you can jump off near a town, buy a "Lou PeeJoe" and grab a taxi back to the train after a little sightseeing.

Now any guidebook worth a "Fen" will tell you what it is the Chinese won't tell you. Basically this is anything bad. If the boat to Yang Suo is not going to go all the way to Yang Suo the Boat Captain will not say "River too low." He will say "Better to take the bus." Actually I don't tell the exact truth here. When you get halfway to Yang Suo and the boat turns around to head back, you can gently hold the Captain over the railing above the churning propeller and steel your gaze into his eyes...

He will then say "River too low." Then you will both straighten up; you realize your plans are now all screwed up. It's time to figure another path through this crazy-quilt of wherever you are. The captain will shrug his shoulders, give you a sheepish look, and say, "Better to take the bus." Now you have enough info for a quick (meaning slow) gallivant around China.

Beijing has big broad boulevards filled with bicycles and maybe a car or two. Watch out at night because the auto's have the lights off as some kind of government conservation measure. Funny-looking bicycle and motorized roto-tiller kind of things are available to give you a lift. Pay extra and insist on driving because it's fun to see the scared look in their eyes. Beijing is also home to the slowest bureaucrats on earth. Many restaurants are government-run so bring a note written in Chinese and show them your stopwatch.

Shanghai is an international city so watch your swearing. It's not like other parts of China where you can compliment the bureaucrats with smiling English phrases like "You look like American movie star, either Beavis or Butthead" and "You move so slow you I confused you with the horizontal Mao in that big square in Beijing."

The Yangtse River cruises are great but remember that they may forget to mention the construction of an amazingly gargantuan and world-famous dam that is blocking the river traffic. Down south it is capitalism run amok led by Hong Kong. People think the question is "How much will China change Hong Kong?" The question should be "How much will Hong Kong change China?"

But in the middle, the middle of the "Middle Kingdom," is Heaven On Earth. China is the Middle Kingdom of course. It used to be the "Land of the Rising Sun" till they discovered the Japanese Islands way back when. This resulted in the name change and a war with the Japanese that's been running pretty much ever since.

The Middle Kingdom is the center of the world, the universe and everything else. Ask anyone, they'll tell you so. And in it's center is, one more time, Heaven on Earth.

Heaven on Earth is the area around Guilin. Guilin is a cloudy, foggy, drizzly place with... with...

...with amazingly, dizzyingly, straight-up pinnacles of limestone rock mountains that soar into the heavens like something you've never seen before. They rise like colossi from the foggy-mossy verdant green-looking haze of a countryside. You've seen the paintings. The strange ultra-steep landscapes. And you thought it was fantasy. Well, it is fantasy. And it does exist here in Heaven On Earth.

It's just foggy enough that you don't believe those straight-up suckers of solid rock are really there. Even though they're right in front of your face. And if you hike to a city park; which may be on a limestone spike sticking straight up from the center of town a whole lot more steps toward heaven than you've ever done before; you still won't believe that you're really there.

It's like having hundreds of huge, steep-assed hills sprinkled through a foggy day in London. But with only one decent disco in town.

It's all too much and the only thing to do is get out of town. Head down river a few miles (remember the warning!) to the Hard Rock Cafe in Yang Suo. No, this is not the neon extravaganza that you see elsewhere. Somehow the Hard Rock Cafe showed up in Yang Suo many years ago. Stop by, they may even have electricity by the time you get there.

"Hey! Where is Zuhai?" Bernie said Zuhai was out in the middle of nowhere. Well, the Dixie Hills All-Girl Pit Crew were there and they couldn't find it.

No Zuhai. But out there in the middle of nowhere you can kick back and relax to a few beers with some local folks... A few beers with some local folks who speak enough English to tell you that, "You talk funny."

Article is written by and copywrite (c) 1999 Jeff Rose, Binghamton, NY.
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Visit Paris, London and somewhere in Switzerland. And enter the "Koffee Houses" in Amsterdam; the "golden triangle" between Burma, Laos and Thailand; and "Heaven on Earth."

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