We grieve over the death of a pet. This reaction is only natural. our feelings toward pets are so special that experts have a term for the relationship: the human-companion animal bond. When this bond is severed, the sense of loss can be overwhelming.
Society does not offer a grieving pet owner a great deal of sympathy. Even a close friend may comment: "It's only a dog. You can always get another." Such a reaction would be heartless given the loss of a human friend or family member, and it is generally recognized that a person who has experienced such a loss needs the support of friends and relatives. Psychologists now acknowledge that we need as much support -- but get far less -- with the loss of a companion animal.
Veterinarians realize that their final obligation to their pet patients also involves dealing with the pet owners' grief. This does not mean that veterinarians are trained as psychologists and psychiatrists. It does mean that the veterinary doctor, who knows you and your pet, also understands your natural feeling of loss -- and is able to offer support. (If your veterinarian seems distant, bear in mind that the death of a pet is stressful even to professionals. Detachment is one way of coping.)
How We Feel
When a person dies, family friends and relatives pay their respects at the family home or funeral parlor. There is a funeral where sorrow and tears are accepted, even expected. Afterward, during a mourning period, friends and relatives assist and comfort grieving family members until their grief subsides and new routines develop.
When a pet dies, there is no such social ritual to formalize the grief. To many, a funeral for the family pet would seem eccentric and a formal period of mourning bizarre. Even the immediate family and intimate friends may not fully understand the loss.
Still, the loss of a pet affects our emotions, and all the more so if the pet was an integral part of the family. These feelings usually progress through several stages. Recognizing them can help us cope with the grief we feel.
The First Stage: Denial
Denial is the initial response of many pet owners when confronted with a pet's terminal condition or sudden death. This rejection seems to be the mind's buffer against a sharp emotional blow.
The Second Stage: Bargaining
This stage is well documented in the human grieving process. Many times, faced with impending death, an individual may "bargain" -- offering some sacrifice if the loved one is spared. People losing a pet are less likely to bargain. Still, the hope that a pet might recover can foster reactions like, "If Rover recovers, I'll never skip his regular walk ... never put him in a kennel when I go on vacation, ... never ... ."
The Third Stage: Anger
Recognizing anger in the grief process is seldom a problem; dealing with anger often is. Anger can be obvious, as in hostility or aggression. On the other hand, anger often turns inward, emerging as guilt.
Many veterinarians have heard the classic anger response, "What happened? I thought you had everything under control and now you've killed my dog!" Another standard: "You never really cared about Rover. He was just another fee to you, and I'm the one who has lost my pet!" Such outbursts help relieve immediate frustrations, though often at the expense of someone else.
More commonly, pet owners dwell on the past. The number of "If only..." regrets is endless:
"If only I hadn't left the dog at my sister's house..."
"If only I had taken Rover to the veterinarian a week ago..."
Whether true or false, such recriminations and fears do little to relive anger and are not constructive. Here, your veterinarian's support is particularly helpful.
The Fourth Stage: Grief
This is the stage of true sadness. The pet is gone, along with the guilt and anger, and only an emptiness remains. It is now that the support of family and friends is the most important -- and, sadly, most difficult to find.
A lack of support prolongs the grief stage. Therefore, the pet owner may want to seek some help from the pet's veterinarian or from a professional counselor. It is normal, and should be acceptable, to display grief when a companion animal dies. It is helpful, too, to recognize that other pet owners have experienced similar strong feelings, and that you are not alone in this feeling of grief.
The Proper Good-Bye
At some point, you are going to have to make final arrangements for your pet. Most veterinarians can either handle matters themselves or explain the choices available. There are several options:
Cemetery Burial. People have been burying their pets in a ritual fashion at least since Egyptian times. Today, there are pet cemeteries in virtually every populated area of the United States and Europe. Many are spacious, with safeguards against the land being used for other purposes and with funding to provide future groundkeeping.
The costs for cemetery burial vary, from around $200 for a simple burial to thousands of dollars for elaborate services. Many pet cemeteries will cooperate with veterinary clinics, sending a representative to handle details.
Communal Burial. This less costly option is offered by many pet cemeteries and private humane organizations. Your pet's dignity is in no way affected by burial with other animals. Communal burial is a common choice.
Communal Cremation. In areas where land is expensive, communal cremation is a sensible alternative. Some veterinary clinics even have their own crematoriums, as do many pet cemeteries and humane organizations. The feel is relatively modest, often less than $100.
Individual Cremation. Your veterinarian probably can arrange for individual cremation and advise you on environmental concerns over the disposal of ashes. This option is more costly than communal cremation, with fees commonly ranging from $75 to $250.
Home Burial. It is not uncommon for pet owners to bury their pets someone on their own property, but you should check with your municipal government before making such arrangements. Typically home burial is permitted in rural and suburban settings. A tight-fitting wooden box will help safeguard your pet's remains.
In Memoriam
One way to soften the impact of your pet's death is to make a donation in the animal's memory to a worthy animal-related cause. Humane organizations need financial support to care for homeless pets. Many veterinary schools accept scholarship funds in the name of the donor.
The Final Stage: Resolution
All things come to an end -- even grieving. As time passes, the distress dissolves as the pet owner remembers the good times, not the pet's passing. And, more often than not, the answer lies in a new pet, a new companion animal to fulfill the need for a pet in the household.
Euthanasia: The Difficult Choice
For a pet-lover, no decision is more difficult than authorizing euthanasia. Yet, too often, this is the right choice for your pet. Certainly, the humane procedures offered at modern veterinary clinics have a clear advantage over an illness that prolongs the suffering of both pet and pet owner. Discuss euthanasia frankly with your veterinarian.
Many pet owners choose to spend the final moments with their pets. If so, the veterinarian might prefer to prepare the pet briefly in another room. The intravenous drug does not cause any pain. You might want to stroke the animal's head and speak gently as the drug is administered. The pet simply goes quietly to sleep as body functions stop.
Other pet owners choose not to witness the procedure. You might consider a last "good-bye" after the procedure, however, to complete your physical separation.
If The Burden's Too Heavy
Veterinary teaching institutions, in studying the human-companion animal bond, are increasing their efforts to help pet owners cope with lingering grief. Some of the teaching institutions have social workers who are specially trained to counsel pet owners. Among the most well-known programs are those at:
*The Animal Medical Center, New York City, NY, 212-838-8100
*The University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine, Philadelphia, PA, 215-898-4525
*University of California School of Veterinary Medicine, Davis, CA, 916-752-7418
*University of Minnesota College of Veterinary Medicine, St. Paul, MN, 612-624-4747
*Colorado State University College of Veterinary Medicine, Fort Collins, CO, 303-221-4535
*Washington State University College of Veterinary Medicine, Pullman, WA, 509-335-1297
This material ©1992 ALPO Petfoods, Inc. I would like to thank ALPO Petfoods, Inc. for granting permission to reproduce "Death of the Family Pet ... Losing a Family Friend."
More Helpful Sites...
Pet Loss and Grief
An excellent article from the Mayo Clinic should help those who are dealing with the loss of a pet. No, you're not crazy. Shock and grief are common emotions that we shouldn't be ashamed of. If you have loss your canine companion, this article is for you.Iowa State University Pet Loss Support Hotline
This site is an outstanding source of references for pet bereavement, including links to other bereavement sites and pet memorials.Remembering Pets is a book designed to help young children understand pet loss while exploring happy memories about their beloved family friend. Follow the link to read the book review or go directly to www.rememberingpets.com for more information.
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All Regal Beagle Pages ©1996-2000 Patricia M. Robidoux. All rights reserved.
Page last revised April 23, 2002
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