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Nathan's CALIFORNIA VOTER GUIDE |
Fellow Californians*,
Well the
election is over. I think that no matter where you stand politically, you've
probably made the very same morning-after observations I have. Namely, that you never noticed before
what a scary smile Gray Davis
has, and that, despite our state's size, Minnesota's Governor could still
whip our Governor in a fight any day.
Ours is a hard state to make political generalizations about. The rest of the country likes to call us the "left-coast", despite the fact that we've generously given them Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and Rush Limbaugh. Our schools are English-only, but our city names are Spanish-only. You can't smoke tobacco in a bar, but you can smoke marijuana in a Pot Buyer's Club. There's no more Affirmative Action in California unless you're a Native Americans looking to build a casino. We protect the environment, but the only bear you'll find around here is on our flag. Suffice to say, California is a politically complex state defined by its wacky contradictions. The fault lines we straddle are not only geological, but cultural and political as well. This is what makes California politics so interesting. Still, I realize that complexity and contradiction aren't popular in a culture where short attention spans dictate that any political philosophy needs to be able to fit on a bumpersticker to be valid. So, as a public service, I've tried to lay out some short, simple and objective information on California's parties and ballot initiatives. I hope this helps you on your next trip to the voting booth.
-Nathan
*If you are not a Californian you may find this interesting anyway, if only to reaffirm your opinion that we're all nuts out here.
The Parties
I suppose I should give an in-depth analysis of the Republican and the Democratic parties, seeing as how they're the two major players in California politics today. But I won't for two reasons.
The first reason is that, because they are so big, there's already a lot written about them, and I feel there is little I can add. If you'd like an unfiltered view of the Republican party platform, you can just watch about an hour of Rupert Murdoch's Fox News Channel (they're the "fair and unbiased" one). For an unfiltered view of the Democratic party platform you can... well... I was going to suggest about ten minutes of Murphy Brown, but that show's been canceled. Oh well. It stopped being funny after she had a kid, so no big loss there.
The other reason is that, because of their size, different people will have different takes on where exactly these parties stand. For example, one person may vote Democrat because they support civil rights, while another person will vote Democrat because they're still mad that Republican President Lincoln freed the slaves. Some people may vote Republican because they want less government interference in their lives, while others will vote Republican because they want the government to ban The Wizard of Oz for daring to suggest there's such a thing as a "good witch". Call it "Strange Bedfellows", "Big Tent Politics" or "Coalition Building" but this is precisely why it's so difficult to define these parties' platforms, let alone talk about them strictly in terms of "liberal" or "conservative".
You wouldn't know it by watching debates, but there are other political parties in this state. If you're having difficulty choosing between (let alone distinguishing between) a Republican or a Democrat, you may want to consider a third party vote. At least you'll be able to show one of those "Don't Blame Me, I Didn't Vote for Him/Her" bumperstickers. I don't advocate an uninformed vote though, so you'll need to educate yourself on what the other parties stand for. Here's my breakdown:
Libertarian Party:
The Libertarians
will tell you that they support less government, which makes sense when
you consider that a Libertarian is eight times more likely than any other
person to be picked off by ATF sharpshooters while standing on their porch
or hanging out in their compound. They also say they support the Constitution,
especially the Amendments that start "Congress shall make no law..."
since laws are bad to Libertarians (except for the ones that prevent ATF
sharpshooters from picking you off). The Libertarian platform all boils
down to one word: HEMP. Honestly, all Libertarians swear by the stuff (which
explains a lot). You can make rope out of it, you can make clothes out of
it, you can use it to prevent the Space Shuttle from burning up on reentry.
George Washington grew hemp, Jefferson grew hemp (which explains why so
many foreign visitors always hung out at Monticello). You can cure cancer
with it, you can build bridges with it, and, oh, by the way, you can smoke
it. Hemp, hemp, hemp! All the rest of the Libertarian platform is just a
smoke screen [no pun intended] for what is at heart an "all hemp, all
the time" agenda. So this is the definite stoner ticket.
Peace and Freedom Party:
These
guys are mainly communists as far as I can tell. Not full-on hard-line old-guard
invade-Afghanistan type communists, but more, touchy-feely Warren Beattyesque
Marin County type reds. That's really the problem I have with them. See,
I think if things ever get so bad that I'm considering voting for a communist,
I'd rather have my candidates slamming their shoes on the podium screaming
"WE WILL BURY YOU!!!" than some vague statement about "healing
the corporate inner child through enlightened awareness and proactive wealth
redistribution". You have nothing to lose but your change.
Natural Law Party:
I don't
know what is stranger, the fact that this party was founded by the Maharishi
Mahesh Yogi, or the fact that they don't try to *hide* that fact. The NL's
promote "health through prevention" which really means "if
you're sick it's because you aren't doing enough transcendental meditation".
So don't expect a lot of solid health insurance reform from these guys (unless
you count the "just hope real hard you don't get sick" option
a valid health plan). Plus a lot of us still haven't forgiven the Maharishi
for that time he hit on Marianne Faithful and tried to rip-off the Beatles.
Definitely worth the laugh of telling people that you voted for the candidate
who wrote the most self-help books though.
Green Party:
How can
we save the environment and reduce landfill? Recycle! How can California
schools increase national test scores and compete in an ever-changing global
economy? Recycle! How can California improve roads, ensure earthquake safety,
reduce insurance fraud, attract jobs, reduce homelessness, and provide safe
streets for all its citizens? Recycle! You get the picture. On the upside,
maybe a Green Governor can answer once and for all whether milk cartons
go with the cardboard or with the newspapers.
Reform Party:
This is
Ross Perot's party. They've got some good ideas about reducing the size
of government. For example, we should fire all of those committees and advisors
and consultants who do nothing but waste time trying to solve problems,
and then bring in a team of hired experts to take a look at the problems
instead. Of course, a good way to be taller is to cut off your head and
stand on it. Still, I'm going to come right out and say it: Ross Perot is a genius. No,
not a comic genius, though his entertainment value should not be underestimated,
but a political genius. See, the thing about Perot is that, if you listen
closely to what he says, he'll answer all direct questions with a quaint
and pithy, yet carefully-crafted, down-homeism: what should we do about
crime, Ross? "You can't pave a highway with chocolate pudding and
sometimes you gotta cut the sausage in half to fit it in the pot".What
can we do to encourage growth and reduce taxes, Ross? "A hedgehog
makes a bad pillow! We've got to stop cracking walnuts with our foreheads".
People hear his replies and think, "yeah, he's right. We shouldn't
crack walnuts with our foreheads. No wonder this country's so screwed up".
In other words, people will either agree or disagree with a direct answer,
but no one can argue with a basically content-free Perotism. And unlike
Chance the Gardener from Being There, who personified but never consciously
recognized this phenomenon, Perot is aware that, ultimately, all
people really want are their own beliefs reflected back at them. And that
is why I say he's a genius.
The Propositions
I'll make this real simple. Just vote NO on all of them.
The California voter initiative is way screwed up. Sure, it may have made sense back in Hiram Johnson's day when your only recourse to get back at the all-powerful railroad companies was either to write your own law against them and take it to a popular vote, or buy a fast horse, a good bandana, and a Winchester rifle and have at it. But nowadays you'll find one of two types of initiatives:
On the one hand you get the really vaguely worded propositions that say they're for one thing, say the "Preservation of Peoples' Rights" or something. Then you find out that what the initiative really does is enact a law that gives all K-12 schools to the Coca Cola company, puts all people with black hair in a "re-education camp" and/or makes it illegal to teach the controversial theory of photosynthesis in California classrooms. Usually, these are put on the ballot by some really rich special interest lobbying group that, quite frankly, doesn't need my help since they probably already own my Senator anyway.
On the other hand you get some initiatives that're pretty straightforward and aren't hiding any secret agenda, but you know they only got enough signatures on the ballot by hanging out in front of Target and hassling the shoppers. You know the type. You're on your way into the store when someone named "Harmony" or "Starchild" asks you to sign a petition that would tax cigarettes by ten dollars a pack to buy iron lungs for the needy or some such. At least they're honest, but seriously, do we really want to reward people who interfere with your quality shopping time? I think not.