Nathan's SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE| |
Nathan's SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE |
Gathered friends,
To support my growing belief that the internet is the best thing to happen to religion since the invention of the Popemobile, I'm passing along my favorite "spiritual" web sites.
Peace be with you,
-Nathan
When the girl in bed starts spinnin' her head, who you gonna call?
This guy warns you up front that "A few people
have reported that while reading portions of our DELIVERANCE material, some
demons have manifested in them in various ways" and sure enough, he
was right. When I entered this site, my computer speakers were possessed
by hideous organ music! Out! Out evil sound file! I demand you return to
the hell from whence you came! I learned from this site that any number
of conditions can be blamed on demons, such as depression, obesity, alcoholism,
and even severe caffiene addiction, as is made obvious by the 'Buster's
own rambling writing style. And here I thought modern science had long ago
proven that these things were really caused by "bad humors".
Anyhow, I'm going along reading this site and it's all "yadda yadda demon this, yadda yadda demon that". Then from out of nowhere the guy writes "DID YOU KNOW THAT APPLE CIDER OR WHITE VINEGAR IS AN EFFECTIVE DEODORANT?". Whoa! Where did that come from? Satan? Is that you? And if a professional like the DEMONBUSTER himself can be so easily possessed like that, what hope is there for the rest of us?
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This site got me thinking about how much cooler the New Testament would be if it had been written after the invention of firearms. St. Peter was the seafaring type, so he'd probably want a gun that's low maintenance with a lot of stopping power but not a lot of recoil (you don't want to fall off the boat). Maybe just an M1 carbine with a folding stock would do the trick. It's light, relatively compact, and should be enough to keep those pesky leviathans away from the fishing nets. Judas of course would have something small and easily concealed, perhaps something like a silver-plated Beretta. Pilate's a tough one. I suppose nothing says "Aristocratic Occupational Governor" like a pearl-handled Luger. And Christ? Well, being an Israeli He'd probably take to an Uzi quite naturally. You can take out a whole Roman legion with one of those bad boys. It'd be like "Render *this* unto Caesar, you bastards!! Blam blam blam!" Yeah, that'd be so cool.
If you found the above paragraph at all disconcerting, you may want to avoid this site. But I gotta feel sorry for this pistol-packin' congregation's minister. Talk about pressure to deliver a good sermon every week.
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US Army Chaplain's Guide to Witchcraft
When the hurly burly's done and the battles are lost and won, it's falls on the trusty Army Chaplain to provide spiritual guidance to the soldiers. Though they say there are no atheists in foxholes, there may be some witches. So where's a Chaplain to turn when Corporal Hagatha needs a pep-talk? Why, pages 231-236 of the handy guidebook "Religious Requirements and Practices of Certain Selected Groups", of course. And did you ever wonder what the good padre is supposed to do if the choppers bring in a wounded witch? Apparently, "in the case of any serious medical condition, the member's home coven should be notified." Doctor Bombay, Doctor Bombay, come right away!
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Did you ever think that Prince Charles may be the Anti-Christ? Me neither. But it seems enough people do that this guy felt it necessary to post a note dispelling that whole Prince of Wales/Prince of Darkness connection. Truth be told, it would make things a lot easier if the beast were a bleeder, but no such luck. If I'm reading this site right, the Apocalypse won't come until everyone has a Bank of America Smart Card anyhow. So sorry folks, Prince Charles was just a false alarm on the old Armageddo-meter. Let's not rush the end-time. I know, I know, you all had your hopes up. Heck, I did too. But it'll come, you just gotta be patient.
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If you're good you go to Heaven. If you're bad you go to... Topeka! Their reasoning is a tad convoluted, but I can't argue with their final conclusion that, yes, Topeka is indeed Hell. Oh sure, it's not as bad as, say, Abilene. But it's definitely Hell. Now why the Topeka Chamber of Commerce hasn't picked up on this is beyond me. Why, I can just see the brochures now: "Topeka: Come for the Fun, Stay for the Eternal Torment!"
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They say God is everywhere. Apparently this
includes cheesy
porcelain vases and really bad
rug art. Not to judge too harshly (lest I be judged), but I gotta question
the faith of someone who finds pine-fresh salvation in the form of a Jesus
car deodorizer . Fortunately, they come in the handy three pack, for
those times when we're really being tested.
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To paraphrase Paul Simon, comets come and comets go, it's what you're gonna do about it, that's is what I wanna know. This site poses the age-old question: if you're the only surviving member of a cult, are you technically still in that cult? It turns out the answer is yes. And not only that, you gotta keep the ol' web site up and running, at least until Hale-Bopp swings back around. I've heard of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but not after the ship has actually sunk! Oh well. If you're a big fan of grim irony, check out "OUR POSITION AGAINST SUICIDE". Maybe if these guys had spent more time reading their own literature and less time castrating themselves, things woulda worked out different. D'oh!
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I think I once stopped in at an International House of Yahweh and ordered the Belgian Waffles [rimshot]. Anyway, here's your basic run-of-the-mill cult that thinks Satan is some woman named Baal who controls all world governments. *Yawn* whatever. But c'mon, look at the picture of the "House of Yahweh" itself. I mean the place looks like a steak house, and not a very good one. I wonder how many people have accidentally walked into the place looking for a T-bone and a frosty mug o' beer. Here's some free advice guys: It's hard enough for doomsday cults to be taken seriously these days without having your "temple" look like the kind of place where Patrick Swayze will come busting through the glass windows or whack you over the head with a pool stick. Come back when you've got a half-way decent compound or secret underground fort. Until then, I'll have the Fire n' Brimstone Pork Ribs and a side of cole slaw please.
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The Westborough Baptist Church
Do you think Billy Graham needs to repent? Do you think the KKK is "riddled" with homosexuals and is way too liberal for your "discriminating" tastes? Do you think Princess Diana was an "impenitent royal Episcopal whore"? Well, then this is the web site for you! The domain name (godhatesfags.com) should tell you all you need to know about where these people stand on domestic partner benefits. The presence of the flag of Zimbabwe on the home page is maybe one of the least bizarre things about these people. Apparently these guys protested Frank Sinatra's funeral, which, if you ask me, seems like a really good way to get beaten into a plowshare.
By the way, if you didn't catch it, they're based in Topeka.
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I'm only including this one because this little spiritual tidbit comes from my friend Todd. See, I've known Todd since kindergarten. Even as children we realized we had a mutual affinity for graham crackers, nap time, and, later, Star Wars action figures. Though Todd has mysterious and extraordinary powers (mainly in the area of gardening) he's not prone to holy visions like this. And though I can't personally vouch for the authenticity of the happenings described on this site, I do remember how freaked out Todd was when this happened. So I believe him. Now whether you believe me or not is entirely up to you.
Somewhere in that last paragraph is a profound statement about the nature of faith. Trust me, there is.
Anyway, I think when future historians look back on our civilization they'll marvel at our large body of "Glowing Grandmother" literature. Yeah, sure, Todd's is the only story in that genre right now. But it's just the start, and I'm looking way beyond the present. I tell you, this "Glowing Grandmother" thing is gonna take off. And it's gonna be big. Really big.
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| about our rating system: Although we are all special in God's eyes, not all of these sites are created equally. We do not presume to judge these sites on the basis of their orthodoxy or the validity of the faiths they espouse, as that would be close-minded of us. However, we recognize that a rating system of some sort is required to guide you through a list of this magnitude. Therefore, we have rated these sites based upon their usefulness, their spookiness and their design. |
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