LETTERS to the H.O.G.

Dear Friends,

Nothing pleases us more than hearing from you, our valued gum-chewing supporters. Remember, we here at Nathan's don't just consider you our customers, we consider you members of our growing gum-chewing family!

If you have any gum-chewing questions or concerns, just wanna say "hi", or would like to learn more about what you can do to preserve your gum-chewing rights which are constantly under assault, please feel free to drop us a line at the House of Gum!

Warmest regards,

Nathan Gilbert,

founder

Dear Nathan,

I have been smoke-free for one year now thanks to your Nathan's Nico-Smack nicotine gum. Unfortunately, I am now up to three packs of Nico-Smack a day, and, at $2.50 a pack, it's really adding up. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for a delicious and satisfying chew, just so I can get that soothing Nathan's buzz. And of course, I can't even get going in the morning without "chewing up", as it were. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that yours was the first company to introduce tar into your Nicotine gum, realizing that tar-cravings are just as hard to kick as nicotine cravings. And it's pure genius the way you package each stick of the gum rolled up like candy cigarettes, for that important hand-to-mouth craving. But I fear I've traded one addiction for another. Help!

Jonesin' in Detroit

Dear Jonesin',

Congratulations on kicking the smoking habit!! You can chew in peace knowing that our Nathan's team of scientists labor tirelessly breeding genetically-engineered ingredients designed to deliver the highest NpS (Nicotine per Stick) rating of any nicotine gum in the industry. Sadly, there isn't anything we can do to reduce the cost of Nico-Smack since most of the cost of that pack is TAXES! That's right, those idiots in Washington keep raising taxes on your gum! Why is it always you, the honest hard-working gum-chewing "Average Joe", that ends up having to pay those bureaucrats' salaries with your hard-earned gum-buying dollars? Write your representatives in Washington and let them know that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Also let them know that you consider Nico-Smack to be a valid smoking-cessation product and not just another "nicotine-delivery system". Remember: Washington has declared war on gum-chewers!

-Nathan

ps: Next quarter we will be introducing Nathan's Nico-Bucks! You will receive one Nico-Buck with each pack of Nico-Smack. So save your Nico-Bucks and redeem them for valuable prizes from Nathan's gift catalog!! I know I've got my eye on that bomber jacket!

I think I remember hearing when I was a kid that if you swallow your gum it will stay in your body for seven years. I'm not sure how you could track something like that. I'm thinking of swallowing a wad of Nathan's Veggie-Stripe, with it's distinctive vibrant bands of carrot, pea, and eggplant colors, and just watching for the next seven years to see what passes. What do you think?

Too Much Free Time in Fremont

Dear Too Much,

Your interest in scientific discovery is impressive. Understand that the Gum Research Institute (which I'm legally compelled by those bureaucrats in Washington to tell you receives partial funding from the gum industry) has determined that the fear of swallowing gum is completely unfounded! In fact, it has been discovered that swallowing gum is the best way to build up a protective layer of gum on the inner walls of your internal organs. This gum-shield, as the GRI calls it, could theoretically patch any ruptures in your internal organs, preventing the contents of, say, your appendix from leaking into your sterile abdominal cavity and causing a life-threatening infection. Obviously I'm no scientist, just an old-school gum man, but the way the fine folks at GRI explained it to me is it's like that stuff in a can you spray into your tire if you run over a nail. Just the same, give us a call in seven years and let us know how this all comes out!

-Nathan

I just got back from a business trip to Singapore. Did you know that you can get arrested there for chewing gum in public? It's true! I couldn't believe it! I tell you, I've never missed home so much. But if these so-called "gum-control advocates" we have in America get their way, the same thing will happen here! It's a slippery slope my friend! We must draw the line somewhere! When will Americans wake up and realize how lucky we are to live in such a great country where you can chew your gum proudly on the street and ain't no man can tell you different? When, Nathan, when?

Scared in Sacramento

Dear Scared,

I don't know... I just don't know.

Nathan

Nathan,

I'm blown away at finding your website and will plan to communicate with you in the future. At this time, though, I am busy working with our local fire department developing a home evacuation plan that allows for the rescue of all family gum. I was agitated to read in our local paper that pets should not be included in evacuation plans. Fortunately, I have been able to persuade the firemen that gum is a horse of a different feather and deserves to be included in all plans. All it took, actually, were a few photos of actual gum trapped in a burning house, and they saw my point. As you can see, I'm devoted to the cause and plan to stick to it.

Chewsie

Dear Chewsie,

It's not often that a letter to the House of Gum brings a tear to the eye of this old gum man. But I wept openly when I read your letter. Real heroes are those who can chew gum and make a difference at the same time. The HOG salutes you for your dedication to gum and gum-related community education.

Obviously it's not advisable to enter a burning building to get your gum, unless of course it's really good gum. That's what firefighters are for, as you point out. So it is important to know where your gum is at all times. Keep your gum in a place where you can grab it quickly in an emergency. The best place is with your other valuables, such as your photo albums, children, and jewelry.

I have seen photographs like those you describe, and, no, it is not pretty. This is why the House of Gum once again leads the industry in developing gum that can withstand temperatures up to 400º F. You'll note that's still short of the blast-furnace temperatures our earlier asbestos-based gum could withstand. Unfortunately, our popular Asbestochew was banned by those morons in Washington. But our research on fire-safe, non-carcinogenic gum continues. We are also proud to help sponsor the Gum Research Institute's educational video series "Stop! Drop! And Chew!" which teaches school children what to do if they and their gum catch fire.

Together we can make this a safer world - for ourselves, for our families, and for our gum.

-Nathan

Nathan,

Gum is good. It will never die. Thank you for the H.O.G. It has saved me.

Sincerely,

Thankful in um...thankfulville....

Dear Thankful,

Congratulations on discovering the mystical healing power of gum, and welcome to our growing gum-chewing family! In my travels I have seen gum do many wondrous things that can't be explained away by today's so-called science. It would be presumptuous of me to take credit for your deliverance however. To paraphrase the old Zen truth, the H.O.G. is merely a finger pointing at the beauty of the gum.

-Nathan

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