LETTERS to the H.O.G.(continued)

Hey-

I'm in fifth grade at Brady Middle School, and in science we are doing research on gum, and if you can answer this that would be wonderful! My question is how many types of flavors does Wrigley's make?

Thanks, Allison

p.s. that's ok if you can't answer this!!!

Dear Allison-

Though it pains me to give a competitor free advertising, I will gladly answer your question for two reasons.

The first reason is that I am overjoyed whenever I see a young person take an interest in gum and the gum-related sciences. In my day, our fifth grade teacher would not even let us chew gum, let alone give it the in-depth scientific analysis that it so rightly deserves. So much has changed since those days, and I envy you young people your freedom. Your teacher is obviously a brilliant visionary to be encouraging gum studies. As you may or may not know, the House of Gum is a proud sponsor of the Gum Research Institute's educational video series "Why We Chew" which teaches youngsters the importance of gum and gum-related activity. Too often we hear reports in the media about kids who can't find gum on a map, but it's young researchers such as yourself who prove those reports wrong.

The other reason is that, when I was your age, I idolized William Wrigley Jr., one of the greatest gum men of all time and a legend in our industry. Mr. Wrigley not only revolutionized the world of gum with his breakthrough advances in PLEN-T-PAK technology, but his company can also be credited for inventing modern day product placement. Today, whenever you see a Pepsi truck or McDonald's sign prominently displayed in the background of the latest Hollywood blockbuster movie, you can thank Mr. Wrigley.

Anyhow, if memory serves, Wrigley's currently offers the following brands: Juicy Fruit, Spearmint, Doublemint (peppermint flavor), Big Red (cinnamon flavor), Winterfresh (after-dinner mint flavor), Extra sugarfree gum and the orthodontia-friendly Freedent. That's seven brands right there, but last I checked, Extra came in four different flavors (cinnamon, spearmint, winterfresh, and peppermint also sometimes called red, green, dark blue and light blue, in that order). So that's ten varieties, but really only five flavors (or six, depending on whether you can taste the difference between Winterfresh and Freedent). As far as types of flavors go, that would be three: fruit (Juicy Fruit), spice (Big Red), and mint (all others). Wrigley's has also experimented with chocolate gum, but have yet to solve that frustrating cocoa butter/emulsifier problem. There's a Nobel prize waiting for the first person to solve that one. Who knows? Maybe it will be you some day.

Things may have changed since I last checked. I know that at the last big trade show (GumWorld '97) they were talking about releasing Bubble Gum as one of the Extra flavors, despite industry objections. You see, the mere idea of a sugarless bubble gum so violates the laws of Man and Nature, that surely it would rip a hole in the time-space fabric should they be so foolish to proceed. If they do go ahead with this unnatural idea and the universe somehow manages to survive, then this would add "pink" to the Extra rainbow of flavors and change your numbers accordingly.

It's possible there have been other types of flavors Wrigley's has used in the past that we just don't know about. For example, before the introduction in 1893 of the more successfully-named Juicy Fruit and Spearmint, Wrigley's first two brands were enigmatically-named "Lotta" and "Vassar" (seriously). But no one today knows for sure what flavors these two gums had. They were discontinued (probably for having such odd names) and we suspect Mr. Wrigley took Lotta and Vassar's secrets to his grave.

-Nathan

ps: No, McDonald's and Pepsi did not pay me to prominently display their names on this page. But they know where to find me if they want to.

Dear Nathan,

It has come to my attention that your company has a product named "PC Gum". I am dismayed that you, of all people, would surrender to the forces of Political Correctness like that! It's bad enough that they (and don't pretend you don't know who they are) control the media, the universities, the military, alien UFO technology, the mind control satellites, those black helicopters, and... and... other stuff. Now they've got you too! I've always looked to the House of Gum for strong moral leadership in the area of gum and gum-centered debate. But not anymore! I am very disappointed!

Holed Up in a Compound in Idaho

Dear Holed,

I think there's been some misunderstanding here. Our PC Gum is not "Politically Correct" gum, but is instead "Pre-Chewed" gum, and is the only product in the industry to come pre-softened by human saliva enzymes. We developed PC Gum at the request of our dentally-challenged and differently-aged customers whose enjoyment of gum would otherwise be prevented by their inability to "get the gum started".

We hope that you come back to the House of Gum. We don't judge other gum-chewers here, and we stand united in our support of gum. All of our silly political differences are unimportant in the face of the unifying power of gum. In fact, several of the members of our growing gum-chewing family are, well, people of craze, like yourself.

-Nathan

Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,

How truly wonderful it is, how truly overwhelming I find it to be, to have found another soul with true gumption. I will tell you a true story. Names have not been changed as there were no innocents. In 1993 I found on the Internet another bubble gum collector like myself. Her name was Joy Collier and we soon felt that we were twins, separated at birth, and reunited by our mutual passion for the aesthetic, cultural, and olfactory aspects of gum. And so, over a few years we discussed our mutual interest in writing the definitive coffee table book on gum collecting (it would, of course, stick to the bottom of the table), we discussed the difficulties of maintaining a collection of gum ie. humidity control, data base categories, so on. But alas, in 1995, she died. Appropriately, she died of an aneurysm...that final big pop. Since then I have been bereft. Now, I have found a whole house of gum, a family of gum. My soul is, indeed, on the mend.

A little about myself. I'm a gumshoe. I suffer from gum disease. My favorite food is gumbo. But, enough about me, me, me. Just thanks for being there.

Chewsie

Dear Chewsie,

It is good to hear from you once again. The House of Gum grieves for your profound loss. We are happy to be able to have helped you reach this final stage of mourning, which we like to call "gum-chewing acceptance". The untimely death of a fellow bubble gum collector is always a painful blow. No doubt the world is a less rich, satisfying and yummilicious place without Joy. I'm reminded that life is like a bubble: miraculous and beautiful, but ephemeral nonetheless. All too quickly that bubble is gone, and we survivors are left cleaning the tattered memories from our chins. We must appreciate this precious bubble we call life while it's here, for it could burst in an instant. As one of the bumperstickers on our Gummobile says, "He who dies with the most gum wins". From what I've seen of Joy's vast collection, she has indeed won. Perhaps this little prayer will help you, for I know it has helped me in times of sorrow:

Grant me the courage to change what I can,

the serenity to accept what I can't,

and some more gum too please

Be well my friend.

-Nathan

ps: I tried gumbo on my first trip to New Orleans and was sorely disappointed. Maybe I got shorted, but there was no gum in it at all. In fact, as far as I could tell it was mainly okra and seafood. Also (and you couldn't have known this) we really prefer the word "gingivitis" to the term "gum disease". There's something about seeing those two words so close together that is most distressing to the House of Gum. Thank you in advance for your understanding.

Nathan,

I am interested in making my own line of gum products and I was wondering if you can direct me to gum manufacturers in the New York city area? Do you have any gum recipes laying around or do you know a place where I can find one?

Alex

Dear Alex,

Sadly, the New York City area is no longer the giddy, fast-paced hotbed of gum and gum-producing activity that it once was. In fact, a certain competitor of ours which shall remain nameless (think of a shoulder-mounted anti-tank weapon, and you'll know who I'm talking about) started out in Brooklyn, but even they relocated to Pennsylvania some time ago.

Some in the industry blame the high rents for this "gum-flight", others blame New York state's tough consumer protection laws. I personally blame your mayor and his effort to "clean up the city" as he calls it. It seems only yesterday that you couldn't walk ten feet in Time Square without stepping in gum. Truly, it was the last place I knew of where you could still catch a movie for a quarter. But I hardly recognized the place the last time I was there. Those really friendly gum-smacking ladies have moved out and a certain multinational mouse and duck company has moved in. Sorry to "go-off" like that. As you can see you've struck a nerve.

Anyhow, people often ask me for my gum recipes, despite my long-stated policy of not releasing them. I realize this policy makes me look like I'm afraid of a little healthy competition like some of those other gum companies which keep their recipes so closely-guarded you'd think they were hiding nuclear weapons or something. But if keeping my recipes secret saves just one gum-chewing life, then I don't care how it makes me look. You see, I could tell you how to make Nathan's Zesty Cool Ranch gum right now, for example. But my doing so would show a dangerous disregard for your own safety. At the high pressures and temperatures required to produce high-quality gum, many of the recipe's ingredients can become volatile and unstable. Special care and extreme precision is required to produce gum of our quality. One wrong move can mean disaster.

I don't need to remind you of what happened in the Great Detroit Chewing Gum Disaster of 1938, where entire city blocks were leveled by a careless gum chef who foolishly failed to monitor pressure tolerance levels in the chicle intermix chamber. Sure, the invention and later wide-spread use of more advanced gum-manufacturing safety equipment, like the Gum Cut-Off Valve, make a repeat of that disaster unlikely today. But our kitchens, and kitchens like ours throughout the industry, are all equipped with at least the basic gum-manufacturing safety equipment as is required by the Gum and Mint Certification and Inspection Board. I've certainly had my disagreements with those bureaucratic pencil-pushing imbeciles at the GMCIB in the past, but in this case their regulations and requirements for licensing gum-producers are very reasonable considering the danger involved. As a civilian who, I presume, would be making gum in your home, you are outside of the GMCIB's jurisdiction (a loophole that needs closing), but most home kitchens today are not equipped for the safe manufacture and handling of gum. So please Alex, for your own safety and the safety of the people you love, let us go on worrying about the hazards inherent in gum-production and the high cost of liability insurance, and you just go on enjoying gum you purchase safely from a retail vendor near you.

-Nathan

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