Never use the word "irregardless" unless
you are mocking the illiterate.
Never follow the phrase "begs the question"
with a question. We're not sure why this is. We've just heard it's not
cool.
Avoid using quotation "marks" for no
reason. It "will" make you look "like" you are insane.
Sometimes you will need to blatantly split infinitives
if not to split blatantly infinitives would make the sentence too awkward.
Occasional use of passive voice can be considered
fine by you, but it should not be used too much by you.
The next time someone tells you not to end a sentence
with a preposition, tell them, "up with it put, or up with it shut".
The word "literally" literally means
"literally", as opposed to "figuratively" or "not
really". For example, don't use a sentence like "it literally
blew my mind", unless of course you're talking about an actual head
explosion here.
Never use the word "wellness" when you
mean to say "health". By definition, someone with a "wellness"
problem is, well, not well.
Never use the word "peoples" when you
mean to say "people" or "persons". You may think it
makes you sound politically aware and culturally sensitive, but really
it just dates your education to some time in the early '90's. It's fine
if, for stylistic reasons, you want to use "peoples" as the possessive
but without the apostrophe, such as in "Peoples Tire and Service of
Cullman, Alabama" or "Peoples Choice Awards". However, avoid
phrases like "this issue greatly concerns the native peoples of Cleveland".
*shudder*
Memorize this: "I have effected a change in
policy that may affect some of you. Its effects will be felt by those of
you who affect a happy demeanor or otherwise adopt a pleasant affect. All
personal effects must be removed from the Special Effects room, effective
immediately".
Memorize this: "Who's the one whose job it
is to know who's going to be staying with whom?"
There's this whole paragraph Hemingway wrote in
"A Farewell to Arms" where he describes a scene where these ambulances
get stuck in the mud, and it's not until the very end of the paragraph
that you realize the entire paragraph was one long run-on sentence; however,
you realize it's okay because his intent was to convey the feeling of bogging
down and sinking deeper and deeper, so, in creative writing at least, if
you feel that doing so is the best way to make your point, really there's
nothing wrong with occasionally but sparingly using improper grammar and
usage. Including incomplete sentences.
As an employee and representative of the House
of Gum, the letters you write reflect on the entire company. The whole
point of using the above rules is to better communicate your ideas to our
growing, gum-chewing family. As such, it is important to remember your
audience. When traveling, take the time to familiarize yourself with the
local rules of style and usage. For example, when writing in Texas, you
might find yourself composing such sentences as, "I'm fixin' to wreck
it, but I reckon' I'll fix it". As difficult as such a sentence may
be for you to write, we trust that you will do whatever it takes to get
your point across and to spread the rich and satisfying word of the House
of Gum.
