The ANCIENT WISDOM of ZON

Dear friends,

As some of you may know, I frequently channel the entity known simply as Zon. I first became aware that Zon had selected me as his "special friend" after a severe head injury I suffered during an especially rough dodgeball game in the sixth grade. Zon was a warrior-farmer who lived in the Tigris-Euphrates river region about five thousand years ago. Zon's ancient wisdom is often cloaked in metaphor and is rich with the imagery of his day. Despite this, his teachings, as spoken through me, are as fresh today as they were five thousand years ago. If you have questions you would like Zon to address, please feel free to write to "Ask Zon" and I can summon Zon to respond.

-Nathan

Zon's Teachings

on love...

Rotate your crops on a regular basis and keep your seed fresh. Beware the runaway manure cart, for it is a harbinger of doom. It is cunning like the moth, and deceptive like the rooster. Sometimes the river floods.

on politics...

Distrust the Philistines for they are unclean. Like the goose, their stench is strong and their minds are slow. Distrust the Sumerians for they lie down with beasts. Underestimate not the Egyptians as you would the beetle, for their sting is as the hornet's. Nubians are fine. I don't know much about Etruscans.

on science...

Hear this. A wealthy lowland warrior-farmer known as Gonn once did cover his land with the sweetest of guano, which stunk not, and he toiled merrily amidst it. His poor neighbor Nurb did cover his land with the foulest of guano, and was ridiculed by Gonn for his folly. "Surely your growing season shall be a time of great sorrow, for you toil amidst the foulest of guano," spoke Gonn. Yet Nurb's seeds did prosper 'neath the foul guano, and Gonn's seed did fall barren 'neath the sweet guano. And Nurb did gleefully mock as Gonn died of hunger. And Nurb did bury his neighbor 'neath the foul guano, and proclaimed "it is now sweetest of all!"

 

on leadership...

All hail the mighty King Zornt! He rides into battle as if upon a swift and flaming chariot and smites our enemies who are unclean swine! Truly his name shall live forever! Those who question him are evil and shall be thrown in the river!

 

on life...

Upon the birth of his twentieth daughter, a Bassinian man wandered into the forest. He plucked from largest tree he could find the largest apple he could find. The apple was so sweet and the man was so overjoyed with his child that he did not notice that he had bitten into a worm. It was the happiest day of the man's life. It was the saddest day of the worm's life.

Ask Zon

Dear Zon,

There's this girl at school I think is kind of cute, but I'm so shy that I do not know how to approach her. Any advice?

Lovelorn in Lodi

Dear Lovelorn,

Ah, how this reminds me of when I first chose a mate. Upon my tenth birthday my father told me, "Today you are a man! You must leave now and take a bride! If her hands are delicate and small like the sparrow then she is too weak to wed a warrior-farmer as yourself. If they are meaty and large like the turkey, then she will bear you many children, toil alongside you in the field, and battle with you as you smite your foes!" Once you have chosen a mate of strong hands, approach her parents and demand she be yours, whereupon her grateful parents will give you a farm with many sheep. It has always been thus. I have spoken.

-ZON

Dear Zon,

Man, my boss is driving me nuts! It's bad enough that he expects me to work overtime without pay, but now he wants me to come in on weekends too. What am I supposed to do?

- Overworked and underpaid in Miami

Dear Overworked,

You owe your allegiance to no man except the mighty King Zornt! I do not understand what a "boss" is, but if it is anything like the evil scribe Lurin, then you must disembowel him with your sickle and use his entrails to fertilize your barley crop! I have spoken.

-ZON

Dear Zon,

Settle a bet for me. My friend and I are both theoretical astronomers. He says that the universe will eventually stop expanding and will begin to pull in upon itself under the weight of its own gravity and finally collapse in a reversal of the Big Bang. I'm more inclined to believe that the universe will expand infinitely and finally just dissipate into entropy. So which is it? Whimper or bang? There's fifty bucks riding on your answer.

Curious in Toronto

Dear Curious,

What fools you are! We know through the writings of Torgus the Ancient One that the universe is made of guano cast upon the back of the evil turtle Dorpo by the river god Chankor. Only when Dorpo frees himself from Chankor's imprisonment will the universe end. Until then you have nothing to worry about. I have spoken.

-ZON

Dear Zon,

I'm having problems with Stan, my domestic partner. We have been in a loving committed relationship for fourteen years now, but I feel that he does not appreciate me any more. I feel that I am doing more of the work in our relationship (I've always been "the nurturer"). And lately he's been staying out way too late. What should I do?

Keith in Fresno

Dear Keith,

Hear that I, the warrior-farmer Zon, once did feel as you do about my beloved domesticated partner Bordu. Often as I found myself toiling wearily amidst my crops, I would gaze over to see Bordu merrily gnawing on a bone or licking himself or smelling the bottoms of other domesticated partners. How I envied him his freedom from toil. But Bordu did smite the gophers as none of my other domesticated partners had before or after him. And Bordu did love me for I gave him the choicest of oxen morsels and his coat did grow shiny and healthy and his teeth did grow sharp and white. Perhaps if do the same for Stan he will lick your face in gratitude. After fourteen years, your Stan grows old and frail and so you must comfort him in this time and be concerned not with your own petty and foolish needs. My Bordu did often stay out late and howl to the moon goddess Chamrah, as is the way of all domesticated partners. But hear now that when Stan grows thirsty enough, he will come home and wag his tail for you, and you shall scratch his belly and pull from him the ticks and you shall both be well. I have spoken

-ZON

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