Yesterday's... Movie CLICHE of the Day
"remembering the times when we remembered the.... uh, ... times"
~MOVIE CLICHE OF THE DAY~
#1. Never yell at the TV screen, they can't hear you.
#2. Make sure when you abandon ship that the escape craft only contains those you wish to save.
by Nancy Hickmann:
#3. in an Industrial Waterfront Environment you cannot escape by trying to run up the ladder or climbing the structure
and do not under any circumstances, jump onto the boat
#4. Attention all Campers: If you have sex in the woods, you will die in the woods.
#5. Monsters, Pace Yourselves: when chasing women through the woods, don't worry, soon enough, they will trip and fall.
#6. (or, -- wait two hours after bleeding) -- If you live near a lake, it will get contaminated.
#7. Never trust a company spokesman they usually want to screw you in exchange for the xenomorph.
#8. Evil looking fluids buried under churches should stay there.
#9. Never promise your first born to any weird group, they will come to pick it up.
#10. there is always someone around who can read morse code. (even tho the beeping is well underway, no messages actually begin until someone starts reading it out loud.)
#11. Never walk in a stagger or you might be mistaken for a zombie and get shot.
#12. When you cut the wire to the detonator, the timer will stop.
#13. Women cannot run unless you pull them by the arm. We don't know what would happen if you let go -- it's never been tried.
#14. In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it
must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of
weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the
future have lost this technology.
#15. If you are an only child, somehow you won't be if there is a sequel.
#16. Everything is
blue
at night-time.
#17. 10 year olds make the best hackers. get an axe.
#18. never put your hand in the garbage disposal. just don't. or, as Ms. Hickmann would say, "the garbage disposal is bad. don't even look at the garbage disposal."
#19. the gun (diary) (key) is not in the drawer where you keep it
#20. now he's really mad -- when the hero's (villian's) brother dies --
by the hand of the hero/villain/anybody
#21. Ask Anybody I once asked a group of total strangers coming out of a fern grove -- had they found any mosquitoes trapped in amber? they all laughed and said, "no" -- one said, "and no dinosaurs, either!"
#22. Lee says, if two guys are fighting on top of a train there will always be a tunnel. he had some other things to say about tunnels, too. available on request
#23. When YOu sPill champagne on a KeYBoARd it does not burst into flames there is no puff of smoke there is no flash of lightning.
it just gets sticky and stops working. I have proof, look at this grape.
#24. Stay Down Please, Sir Lee says the villain always gets up again shoot him twice. (shoot him at least twice)
#25. just in the nick of time what is that?
#26. a super hero will never disguise his voice
so what are the glasses are for?
that's right! a disguise!
(thanks, Richard)
#27. attention all murder victims - if you're bleeding, try to write something in your own blood.
make it pertinent.
#28. attention AGAIN all murder victims - if you're not bleeding, try making a fist
all the really good victims will have a clue clutched in their hand
#29. Extra! Extra! The Guy At The Airport.
This guy, we presume, had a guy-type childhood,
dreamed guy-type dreams and led a guy-type life --
but his sole purpose in life is to show up at the airport and take the bullet for Our Hero.
#31. feet seem to be okay. but a lost hand always comes crawling back. (or you get a replacement one from an executed strangler who is cross.)
#32. hallways are very stretchy.
just checking: mine don't do that. do yours?
#33. ms. hickmann, gleeful at producing a Cliche On Demand (beating her prior record of 3 seconds) says
The sun sets.
(coming soon: night falls, but that's in cartoons.)
#34 Ray Says, KIDS! Try This At Home!!!
Closeup: the doorknob...slowly...turns.
#35. Attention all Filmmakers:
at the end of the movie
the dog had better be okay.
"Timmy was never completely safe"
#36.
MARC, (home on temp shore leave) says,
Try This At Home:
You can always break the door down with your shoulder.
#37. Ted (I knew him when he was this high and now he's like, this high) says
after 45 minutes of severe beating, the hero will rise up, (refreshed but really mad), and take out the villain.
#38.
what's that behind you?
#39. Communication Skills: "I know what you've done and I'm calling the police."
#40. AVALANCHE! it's okay, falling rocks won't hit you.
"cliche for october 3 only":
#41. if you are named after a breakfast drink, (like "Tang") you will be found "not guilty" only in the movies, right?
#42 The Cliche -- what can go wrong?
#43 knock, knock. "Who's THERE?"
"candygram."
#44 SOMEWHERE in the murderer's OFFICE is a signed statement by the murderer saying, "I did it." probably in his desk. try the fourth drawer down.
#45. Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
#46. Monsters Carry Women because:
a. they won't come when you call them. b. their legs don't work. c. they keep stopping to look at shoes.
#47. Do Not Open -- U.S. Army (thanks, f. gordon)
#48. My Collection of Rare, Incurable Diseases --
vanished!
#49. Woman's Intuition. If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell bring so many clothes with her?
#50. cleanliness
is next to getting stabbed in the shower
#51. famous past words
european tourists are cleaning up with insurance by reporting robberies in (of course) Central Park -- muggers are reported as saying,
Stick Em Up
"they" don't say that, insists ms. hickmann, "they" say
Reach For The Sky!
#52. Love Conquers ALL
-- who does that leave?
#53. Even Without The Music
it's just never good when the door opens, and the character says,
" Welcome. "
#54. Ethan (Miyashiro) (name available on request) says
you can order something in a restaurant but you won't finish it. (this must be how movie people stay so slender)
#55. movie math 92 minutes equals (=) a comedy
there is nothing in life that is funny that lasts longer than that.
#56. Dead Ends
At the end of the alley there are always boxes to climb on.
#57. Art Imitates Life.
no, it doesn't art is, in fact, 20 million light years behind life. and I wish it would catch up.
however, life generally has nothing better to do than imitate art.
which is pathetic.
especially if they're watching seinfeld.
But LEE says
Life Interferes with Art.
any takers?
#58. Ray suggests,
"Earth Girls Are Losers", (or, ) "Nobody Wants Earth Women"
tell that to my toaster. it won't stop following me.
happy halloween:
#59. Witches and Wizards
Wear Pointy Hats.
that's how you know it's them.
Nobody else has a pointy hat
(like that).
don't listen to LEE about pointy hats. he says other people do too wear pointy hats, but he is a dunce. I had to put him on a stool in the corner because he was a bad wizard.
#60. Falling In Love
The Detective ALWAYS falls in love with the Suspect
Thanks, Ms. Hickmann.
#61. that's funny.
the lights don't work.
#62. liquid nitrogen
for demonstration purposes, you will need a rose.
#63. The MURDER Weapon
#64. Screen Writing
Or Is It? don't you just hate it when they write that on the screen?
#65. He Got Away
#66. Inspector Hector's Floorplan
#67. Push the BUTTON
all those buttons on the overhead panel
and sometimes switches
and none of them marked
(this makes it easier to train the new guys)
#68. Time Travel Sounds Like
As you travel thru time, you will hear sounds.
These sounds MUST include "Ask NOT" and "Sieg Heil"
Can you think of some more?
#69. boy loses girl
(oh you know how this one goes: boy loses mittens, (no wait, that's cats) boy loses girl, cats get pie, I can't remember this one)
man bites dog.
#70. Who's Sending The Clues To Our Hero?
If it's a Very Big Company, it's probably the Top Administrator to the Principal Executive's Office. this is always a surprise. we don't know much about her, except that she's intelligent and she dresses well.
Otherwise, it's somebody's sister.
#71. Dead Indian
I'm sorry, but there's this guy who keeps showing up as an Indian, but he's NEVER, EVER alive at the time
only we aren't supposed to know until later
but we DO know
because it's that dead indian guy again.
he's a very good indian, too.
just dead.
#72. what is the difference
between the characters who die "knowing" and the characters who die who "never knew" ?
I was just wondering.
#73. Movie Elevators and Sarcasm
Our hero gets in the elevator, rides safely to his floor, and exits the elevator.
#74. dolls
can't hurt you
if you
only play with them in front of witnesses.
#75. Only In Real Life ever been stopped by a single motorcycle cop and be shown TWO badges, one for him and one for his partner who saw the whole thing?
(person who had this happen just the other day's name, address and some really pertinent comments available on request)
#76. Death By Monkeys
This is a Very New Cliche and so we all want to say (especially ms. hickmann)
WELCOME! to death by monkeys and toy story part too.
#77. BELIEVE.
In the movies, they never "know" anything.
they have faith.
78. How to Speak Australian:
THROW ANOTHER ELF ON THE BARBIE.
no, wait.
#79. Candles
most people in the movies have hundreds and hundreds of them.
especially in the bathroom.
they never show 'em buying all these candles, either.
where do they get the time? why do they buy yet another candle when they already have 199 half used candles?
maybe they just rented a truck and bought them all at once
#80. NO RED
FOR CHRISTMAS ???
A nineties twist on the No Toys/Food/Money/Shelter For Christmas Theme:
Ms. Hickmann's toner cartridge is clogged.
HAPPY ENDING --
ooh, just like in the Christmas Movies Ms. Hickmann FOUND a color cartridge right next to the printer!!!!
She'd been using the old one, all the time.
so there will be RED FOR CHRISTMAS after all!!!
God Bless Us, Every One.
#81. When You Walk Through A Storm Hold Your Head Up High --
Rodgers and Hammerstein were out of their minds.
#82. Spitler, Bouncer, Thrasher --
what are some more good reindeer names?
(join in)
#83. Singing Cowboys
well, they did. they didn't talk much because cows are nervous, and they startle, and they stampede. but they (cows) quite like soft music.
really. I guess it's like white noise.
#84. Actions Speak Louder Than Words
oh yeah? well words, uh...words...
#85. The Psych Evaluation:
I am NOT crazy!
it's probably better to not say that.
try it out loud -- it just never sounds good.
remember, if they give your character one of those drawing tests:
duckies and bunnies.
#86. Which of These is Correct?
mad scientist
cross scientist
happy scientist
#87. Returned from the Dead
it's just like Returned from the Living
you'll need your sales receipt.
#88. Fainting it's not done, anymore.
#89. Accepting Someone Else's Package As A Favor don't you guys watch any movies?
#90. The 21st Century
it's not a cartoon, after all.
where are the strange pointy buildings with the ring collars? where are the jet paks?
to be continued...
#91. "The Swamps are My Life"
okay, it's not a cliche, per se.
but you do have to be watching a movie to hear a statement like that.
please don't correct me on this. I don't want to hear about that time in the safeway. and thanks, flash.
#92. Love Is The Answer. I'm sorry, what was the question?
Test Yourself (or, get a lot of friends to test you. they will anyway.)
can you tell from the MUSIC -- what year it is? (hint: it's a dolby year if the sound effects allow for reverb on the salt shaker)
#106. This is No Movie, This is Reel
When the 13 year old house breaker/car thief vaults into your backyard and sits there torn and bleeding you give him a coke, and offer some fruit, and wash off the spots where you want to stick the bandaids because he "got locked out of the house" and could he have his backpack from the front yard please so you go get it but the police are holding it and they want the kid to go with it, sort of to accessorize things, and you offer them coffee and they thank you for washing the kid and say you are nice and it turned out okay because the kid didn't have a gun or try to hold you hostage knowing the police were in the front yard then
-- WHO ARE YOU?
Nancy Hickmann.
(making movies. on location.)
107. your password is, as always...
#108. To Be Or Not To Be
like, you get a choice.
#109. Earthquake
. stronger than dirt .
#110. What IS A Movie Buff? the following answers were solicited and not paid for:
a couch cous-cous
someone who watches movies in the nude?
someone who watches movies in a yellow room.
someone who polishes movies!
someone in great physical shape who watches movies (no. see couch cous-cous).
from obsolete french, buffle. (obs. fr., buffle)
#111. Fool-Proof
Okay, what does THAT mean?
look, I know some of you are still working on movie "buff", don't feel bad. And don't worry about the only answer so far, from a pilot (I looked him up) who wrote, "moo". Lee thinks he's probably a crop duster pilot and not one of those airline pilots who say moo, and Lee's probably right about the crop dusting part because the guy came on instant message today and said he was from the fbi.
and he never did explain about that part, so keep working on movie buff, okay but I still want to know about fool-proof and maybe child-proof (I don't believe in 'em) and isn't there an 80-proof? give up.
#112. Security Guard
always ready. always alert. nope, nothing gets past him.
#113. Jane
WHAT do Jane Eyre, See Jane, You Jane, Capt. Janeway and Jane Doe (who wishes to remain anonymous) Jayne Mansfield and of course, Jane North (who played Dennis the Menace) have in common?
hint: give up.
#114. we know what's at the end of the rainbow, right?
what's at the beginning?
#115. Quick! In Here!
flocks of things chasing you seem very close
but you can always beat them to the door
they seem to drop back when they see a door.
(that bats movie with the upsidedown title? it turns out, you have to watch it rightside up.)
don't you hate it when they lock someone out of the car? why do they always keep standing there anyway until their heads come rolling off or they get covered with a flock of things?
you can't ask 'em. no one who has ever been locked out of a car has ever survived. not ever.
#116. newspaper clippings.
especially, if they're on the wall. not good.
(why don't they make cookbook wallpaper for kitchens? casseroles down near the floor and brownies up where I can see them. -- oh, casseroles -- did your mother make that thing with the tuna and the noodles and the potato chip crumbs? because mine did, and some other people's too and what I want to know is -- WHERE DID THEY ALL GET THAT RECIPE?? did someone like martha stewart come on tv and say for everybody to do something horrible to potato chips? and they did it? I want this person found. I have a few questions.)
#117. a hero will not register pain until you try to clean him
and then, what do we say? that's right! it starts with "oh, don't be such ..."
#118. When there's an intruder somewhere in the house, the thing that jumps at the heroine in the dark turns out to be her cat,
even if it comes from places cats wouldn't be, like inside a cupboard or behind the cellar door.
After she puts the cat down, the killer will show up and strangle her.
The cat will not come to her assistance.
#119.
Whenever someone looks through the binoculars, they see two joined circles instead of one.
(the sun will glint off your binoculars and the murderer will see you. you're in trouble, now, boy.)
#120. Mike Nichols, Director in the Year 2000 -- is there another mike nichols? I DON'T GET IT !!!
#121. All fights taking place on the edge (of a canyon, tall building, or other high place) will turn out okay.
No movie has ever ended with the hero falling to his death.
Bonus Question: Will The Villain Reform --
after you help him back up off the edge of a canyon, tall building, or other high place?
#122. Always knock over the phone if it wakes you up. All houses have phones next to the bed.
#123. Just when you see
the light at the end of the tunnel...
the steel door drops down and there you are ...without cheese! thanks, flash, (again).
#124. Ladies -- You Know This One! That wooden suspension bridge you don't want to cross?
That's right!
#126. Radio - Active Flash! We interrupt this program for an important announcement that will further the plot without bringing in any new scenery or actors!
Thanks, Rich -- give up
#127. pianos in the air
they either fall or they just hang there.
this, kiddies, is called suspense.
#128. Cartoon Cliffs with that extra 10 seconds of anti-graviity!
Lee says, let's have a cartoon character who runs off the cliff -- and falls, straight down.
(no waiting)
#129. Westerns see that water trough? guess what.
#130. Not A Cliche -- Help!
sorry, this is stuck in my head. yesterday, I heard Lee say to his Lovely Wife (Nancy),
"It doesn't squeak like that for me."
#131. The BEST LAID PLANS of Mice and Men...
mice make plans?
#132. FOLLOW THE BOUNCING BALL !
wait -- come back.
#133. "Keep Your Chin Up!" or, you might get punched in the brain.
#134. psychic powers
"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand." - Stephen Wright
#137. Oak Street we know where THAT is! and we know (dutch) Elm Street
well, tonite I saw No Spruce Street
okay, what is THAT? I want to be perfectly clear on this --
ARE THERE ANY SPRUCE THERE? (No!)
and if one comes... Do We Have A Movie??? "Can't you read the sign?!" No Spruce Street!
#138. It's All In The Reflexes!
Last nite, I threw myself in front of a color monitor to shield it from a crazed fern spritzer person
(but I'm okay)
#139. it was a b r i g h t dark and stormy nite...
#140. clowns
well, they're all bad.
the one under the bed is terrible.
(smiles too much)
but the worst ones
show up in the back seat of your car
and you see them in the rearview mirror.
#141. I know a shortcut.
#142. Learning To Fly
do baby birds really learn to fly?
or,
do you just keep 'em in the nest -- so they don't fall out
until they are aerodynamically sound.
it may not be an acquired skill.
I'm not sure it can be taught, plus -- you'd have to get it right on the first lesson.
remember, "you have to learn to jump before you can sink or swim!"
Not the Blue Danube!
#143. if Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke
had used Rodgers and Hammerstein music
"CAROUSEL" photo by Lee Krama Or Nancy Hickmann at the San Francisco Zoo
#144. Announcer: it's ALL OVER but the SHOUTING
all over what? will it leave a mark? will it wash out?
can I shout it out?
#145.
READY FOR YOUR CLOSEUP?
after countless thousands of years
that the human face has spoken
and breathed
one still has the impression
that it hasn't even begun to
say what it is and what it knows. — Antonin Artaud
#146. Rule of THUMB:
Thumbs Rule? "Yes, Your ThumbNess!" "No, Your Thumbness!"
I said, "Well, I guess."
#147. Good Characters Talk To Their Plants
I keep yelling,
"dwarf! do you hear me???? DWARF!!"
at the dwarf palm
but it doesn't do any good.
#148. Love is BLIND:
"what?"
(crash).
#149. BRUCE WAYNE
(AKA Marc "I Blame Myself" Miyashiro, creator ) says,
Have you ever noticed how you never see Cocopelli and Hello Kitty
in the same room, at the same time?
The Cocopelli, also known as the Joygiver and the Fluteplayer is not the fault of Marc Miyashiro -- but Hello Kitty is
#150. My Dinner With Andre
Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
submitted by Phil Proctor (and very nicely, too.)
#150. For Whom The Bell Tolls --
Relax. If you can hear it toll, it's probably not for you.
#151. Forbidden Fruit
Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge and was banished from the Garden of Eden.
This will not happen to you.
Fruit is nice. Eat some today. (really, it's okay. have some!)
#152. BRUCE WILLIS IS
everywhere, just everywhere.
But he hasn't done Hamlet. yet.
#153. Counting on You please count somewhere else. you know how ticklish I am.
#154. miracle
missed it? that's okay.
next one's due any minute.
#155. sunglasses
well they're very cool. (in the movies)
I accidentally wore them though my last interview
you can be too relaxed. (get reel.)
#156. MOVIE TITLES
a lot of movie titles are being remade. I saw some of the movies that had those titles first, and they're not the same movies, at all!
but that's okay! I just go for the title! coming soon! (sooner than you think): remakes of sandra bullock movies! "Speed" (with Keanu Reeves' son, Superman )
#157. My White Knight In Shining Armor
I watched some friends hold Peep Jousts
you do this with peeps and toothpicks and some pam spray or vegetable oil to coat the bottom of the microwave and you can spray the peeps but don't get it in their eyes or they can't see where to stick their toothpicks in, and then you turn out the lights and turn on the microwave (set it for go round and round) and later you eat them.
The ones that didn't get eaten turned into cement, very quickly. Pink, Yellow, Purple and White --
"Those Colors Don't Fade," I warned, " -- years from now, archeologists will find this pile and say,"
"Hey, they had Peeps, too!" exclaimed Lee, Archeologist In The Future
Later, they poured Jack Daniels on Peeps, and LIT THEM. It's okay, Peeps Don't Burn. Ever.
I accused them of holding a pagan ritual, and they all looked at me, blankly. I further accused that they had all lived in San Francisco SO LONG that they no longer RECOGNIZE paganism, and here, they conceded.
Then they mopped up the rest of the Peeps with the Jack Daniels Sauce.
I had Peeps at home (that's another story) and wanted to look them straight in their beady little eyes upon my return, so did not particpate.
Happy Easter.
#158. "We Have To Go Back"
the whole second half of the movie is based on this.
bonus question: think of a movie where someone said, "We Have To Go Back" and got talked out of it.
#159. Seeking Intelligent Life In The Universe
why don't we look for it, here? all the instruments are pointed away from earth.
#160. ROBOTS
want one?
#161. The Ten Commandments Now, Comes In Tablets!
Called my mother who had to finish her pancakes, "Okay, but while you're eating -- I can only think of five commandments."
"Why, how many are there? ...22?"
"10! But I can only think of five!"
Collect All Ten! What Are They? no, that's not one of them.
Look, I can list seven virtues, about five out of the seven sins, and ALL THREE ROBOTS RULES OF ORDER. I guess, I just can't count to ten.
#162. acid for blood
what kind of veins do those guys have?
#163. Can't Bury Them In The BackYard
quote from an underdisguised source:
"Could I kill a woman? I guess, but it'd take weeks."
#164. My Biological Clock Is Ticking.
there's no such thing.
it doesn't tick.
mine is a sundial.
now if it were true, and it did tick, it would have been ticking since startup, so you might as well say, "my heart is beating", and we know that, because you're talking. plus, if it ticks loud enough so I have to listen, I might have to muffle you with a pillow.
Try This:
My Biological Sock is MIssINg
How Odd.
#165. If A Tree Falls
in outer space it will MAKE A NOISE
#166. The Speed of Light
Dark is faster than light, otherwise you would see it.
#167. There are no airbags in the movies.
okay, name one. Wizard of Oz doesn't count - that's a balloon.
#168. If the Villain Gets You In An Alley
Quickly, learn to be a ventriloquist.
If you can make your voice sound like a police siren approaching, the villian will stop doing things to you
and run away.
Villains think police sirens can see them.
#169. HOW MANY bullets?
"You used to be able to count," said Ms. Hickmann, "Sometimes you couldn't remember if there
were four shots -- or five, like Clint Eastwood saying Do You Feel Lucky, but now -- "
#170. There is no second machine.
That was the prototype.
#171. TWO Bags of Groceries.
Spill One.
It's the Law.
#172. Help! I'm Being Chased!
Where is the nearest staircase? All I can find are exit doors.
#173. The Back Seat
ALWAYS check the back seat for clowns and other insane people, including children and animals.
then,
CHECK AGAIN.
#174. Narration.
only in the movies. (so far.)
#175. Never show a picture of your Sweetheart.
especially you war guys. you are certain to be killed, and soon.
#176. Thunder and Lightning
in the movies,
they show up at the same time.
#177. In SPACE no one will hear you scream.
(unless you're a tree)
#178. Who's There?
you KNOW you're in trouble, if you have to ask THAT question.
There's Never Any Answer, Is There?
#179. Say,
People don't say, "Say, --" anymore.
If you watch an old movie, they will, though.
nobody says, "why, I oughta -- " anymore,
either.
#180. Vim and Vigor
you can't use the word VIM all by itself, you know.
it is never done.
especially, in the movies.
they never say,
"you're full of vim, today"
does anybody know why?
#181. Highlander Part IV: The Martenizing
#182. Highlander Part V: The Snapffling "snapflles bottles, jugs and jars, and it really, really works!"
#183. Highlander Part VI: The Itching "Chris! Thank God You're Safe!"
#184. Highlander Part VII: The Tasting "Itchy. Tasty." -- Resident Evil
#185. Highlander Part VIII: The Scratching "I can treat you -- unless it's really, really serious..." -- Resident Evil
#186. Highlander Part IX: The Sniffing "You go first -- I'll cover you..." -- Resident Evil
Thanks, Rich.
#187. Skip The Dog (old yeller 2000)
got kleenex?
it is easier, and faster to just go outside and hit any old dog with a shovel.
cheaper, too.
which of these is correct? #188. Kiss and Make Up
#188. Kiss and Dress Up
#188. Kiss and Wear Clown Noses
A NUMBER OF PEOPLE, (well one, really, but often) have written in suggesting improvements on this multiple choice cliche. I am placing them here. don't bother me, anymore. (thanks, F. Gordon)
#188. Kiss and 7 Up
#188. Kiss and Throw Up
#188. Kiss and Crack Up
#188. Kiss and Push Up
#188. Kiss and Ice Cream Sandwich
#188. Kiss and Get Up
#188. Kiss and Give Up
#188. Kiss and Screw Up
#188. Kiss and Clam Up
#188. Kiss and Blow Up
#188. Kiss and What's Up Doc
stop it.
#189. Three Little Words
In A World...
ALL MOVIE TRAILERS MUST START WITH THESE THREE WORDS. there are no exceptions.
#190. "All Men Are Beasts!" -- anything from the Lifetime Channel
#197. Reviving the Dead when ALL other methods have failed, most people can be brought back to life by shouting at them.
1. "Don't Die!" 2. "You can't leave me! You can't!" 3. "You've never quit before! Fight! Fight!" 4. "Come back to me!"
#198. Why do we say Peachy Keen but
Plum Tuckered Out ?
THANKS, MS. HICKMANN let me know when you find out!
#199. Don't Sleep in the Subway, Darling. is THAT what he told you? if you can hear THIS you're too close.
I guess the dialogue went something like this --
"WHY didn't you come HOME last night?"
"well, I, uh, stood in the pouring rain for awhile, and then I slept in the subway."
#200. Diseases in the Movies.
made for tv movie - does that count?
I REALLY SAW THIS:
a lovely young schizophrenic was raped during an examination by her gynecologist.
Unable to prove (even to herself) that this had occurred, her trusty friend sets herself up for an appointment, and gets raped, as well. (this all happens on drugs, of course -- the nurse gives the injections because she is drug dependent on her boss, the doctor -- are you following this?) I was made to watch this movie against my will, without the benefit of injections of any kind, and I started to wonder about the tragedy that could have been made out of this story if the schizophrenic had been a dyslexic.
Dyslexic (in restaurant) " I'll have the barc! "
Friend "Give her the crab -- she's dyslexic. "
Dyslexic reading from the newspaper --
Nancy Reagan: "Just Say ON!"
Gynecologist: "she kept yelling, "on! on!" -- how was I to know she was dyslexic?"
Later, (two guys in the restaurant bar)
Guy 1: "Ever made it with a Dyslexic?"
Guy 2: "No, but I've had a couple of Attention Deficit Disorders!"
and finally,
Dyslexic Santa Making A Movie: "ho ho ho! I'm Satan!"
Director: CUT!
thanks, f. gordon
#201. Some Enchanted Evening: (does anybody LISTEN to lyrics? "hear's" how this song goes:)
Some Enchanted Evening,
You may see a stranger!
You may see a stranger, across a crowded room!
Then fly to her side! (Sound of wings flapping) (-- He flew, lady! I saw him!)
And make her your own! (Argh! Go Away!)
...Once you have found her -- never let her go! (Are you crazy? Let go of me!)
...Once you have found her -- never...let...her...go! (I said LET GO OF ME! Help! Flying Man!!!!)
with a LOT of help from My Friend
#202. Songs That Got Cut From Movies: okay, this song made the soundtrack of the famous, the wonderful,
Journey to the Center of the Earth
one of the reasons the movie IS so famous and wonderful, is that they cut one of Pat Boone's songs. It is a song by the famous Sammy Kahn and the famous Jimmy Van Heusen called:
"Since My Jenny Kissed Me"
and part of the song goes like this:
I'm like a scotsman with a pass to an all night carousel!
If I felt any better, I wouldn't be Well!
rent or buy Journey to the Center of the Earth. it's wonderful.
THANKS, Shoe Button Eyes
#203. Parental LOCO
Of course, the correct answer to all these questions should be: YES.
But, it isn't.
HOW did this get to be a popular song? It's so cruel.
It was in the movies THREE TIMES.
Doris Day sings it at the top her lungs, remember?
It was A Big Hit, QUE SERA, SERA
(of course, when I was just a little girl, I thought they were singing about someone named Kay)
-- and it goes...like...this...
when I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother,
what will I be?
will I be pretty?
will I be rich?
here's what she said to me:
(now remember, this part has to be sung AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS)
QUE... sera, sera!
whatever will be, will be!
(pretty? uh... hey kid, whatever)
the future's not ours to see!
(PRETTY? RICH??? it's hard to picture. get back to me in a few years, maybe.)
QUE sera, sera... (yeah, kid, whatever. don't hold your breath.)
okay, so mom's not so encouraging, let's ask teacher;
when I was just a child at school,
I asked my teacher, "What should I try?
Should I paint pictures, should I sing songs?"
This was her wise reply
(now remember, REAL LOUD. You HAVE TO YELL this part) QUE... sera, sera!
whatever will be, will be!
(PAINT? SING??? choke. giggle. uh, hey kid... whatever)
the future's not ours to see!
(TALENT? well, uh, it could happen, I guess, look, get back to me in a few years,
maybe. don't hold your breath, okay?)
QUE sera, sera...
(kid, I think you're doomed. wait for it. look kid... whatever. )
it's a very life affirming song.
this kid has a real bright future with these people:
whatever.
so the kid grows up and asks
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?" Here's what my sweetheart said
(now remember, REAL LOUD. Try Shrieking.)
QUE... SERA, SERA!
whatever will be, will be!
(whatever. my arm's falling asleep)
the future's not ours to see!
(yawn. I don't see any future for us, but hey --)
QUE sera, sera...
(whatever) (could you stop asking me stuff when I'm trying to sleep? go paint by numbers or something.)
okay. now it's The KID's turn.
and see what happens when you are abused as a child? --
Now I have children of my own They ask their mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"
I tell them, "Wait and see"
QUE SERA! SERA !
(nobody encouraged me when I was kid)
Whatever will be, will be !
(my teacher saw no future for me)
The future's not ours to see !
(my sweetheart couldn't commit)
Que Sera, Sera ! (now it's MY TURN!)
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." - Eleanor
Roosevelt THANKS, World
#204. He Didn't Make It.
okay, everybody knows what THAT means. otherwise, the dialogue would go like this:
Rescuee : Hi, everybody. Boy, am I glad to see you!
Rescuers: Hi, Mickey!
Rescuee : Hi Curly! Hi Baldy! Hi Anna-Marie! But...where's Harry?
Rescuers: (tight-lipped) He...didn't make it.
Rescuee : You mean...he couldn't come?
(Anna-Marie turns away, sobbing.)
Rescuers: No...No...
Rescuee : Is he coming later?
(Anna-Marie screams, tries to bite Mickey.)
Rescuers: (struggling with Anna-Marie) He's not coming! HE DIDN'T MAKE IT! He's dead, OKAY?
Rescuee : Harry! Oh, poor Harry! He sacrificed himself, for me!
Rescuers: (holding Anna-Marie's head under water. She struggles.) There's a problem. We lost all our rescue equipment, the radio, the food.
Rescuee : Gosh...well...thanks for coming to rescue me! There's only enough food, water and oxygen for one person...you guys want to wait outside?
see Mission to Mars. it's inspiring.
#205. aliens.
thanks to close encounters of the 3rd kind, we all know what aliens look like.
if you missed that movie, you still know what aliens look like, don't you?
mr. spielberg has loaned those costumes out to everybody, just everybody.
good aliens are:
slender
translucent
have long necks and long fingers
don't talk
have GREAT BIG EYES. (two)
and of course, enemy aliens look like lizards.
I suggest someone invent a new type alien, along the lines of Pooh Bear.
It would be cute, fat, fuzzy and of course, likes honey.
"I like honey nut cheerios! (frosted flakes chafe me)."
I forgot. It also likes earth women.
thanks, person who said I shouldn't put this up.
#206. HYPNOSIS: The Kill Command!
Our Hero can usually forstall this by coaxing, "You're my best (friend) (girl) (mother) -- you can't do this!"
This always works.
However, the HYPNOTEE will have to fight the Kill Command by
A. running off a cliff B. poking himself with a sharp stick C. jumping into the fire
or, all three.
(try to miss End of Days. thank you.)
#207. I'm Not Leaving You!
This always results in the death of the person you won't leave.
In fact, they'll usually expire, right on the spot.
Perhaps the best way to save the person is to say,
"I'll go on ahead! Maybe, phone in an ambulance, or something!"
it's worth a try.
(see Mission to Mars anyway. thank you.)
#208. sleeping
in the movies, not good.
something is going to happen and it won't be --
more sleeping.
#209. Take My HAND!
To the Dropee:
"take my hand" is the sure curse of doom. try saying, "no, no, I'm fine here, you just go call the firemen with the nets, okay?"
we don't mind waiting.
really.
we've seen what happens with "take my hand".
#210. Take The Money
oh, go on.
"you want to go back to your boring little life? sitting on that broken down couch, watching the tv guide channel, feeding crackers to the fish? TAKE THE MONEY!"
#211. That darn Lord!
this is a tv show. I've just made it up.
We just can't get enough of Him!
We know there's real Good Stuff in Him!
But, why he lets us sink or swim --
He's that darn Lord!
He knows when you're unworthy
He knows when you've been slack
You can praise all day unto The Lord
But he'll never praise you back!
He sees the tiny sparrow fall
But He won't talk to you at all
He giveth then He taketh away --
But at least He rests-eths on the
Seventh Day!
We don't know what He's thinking
He moves in mysterious ways!
Lord knows what He's been drinking,
Do you know what His job pays?!!
We just can't get enough of Him!
We know there's real Good Stuff in Him!
But, why he lets us sink or swim --
He's that darn Lord!
(I see it as a kind of leave it to beaver, only more pets.) And now, a preview of "That darn Lord!" :
Lord: Angel! I'm home!
(Vigorous sounds of flapping, The Lord is engulfed in feathers, coughs.)
Angels : Our Father! Our Father! Dog: Hark! Hark!
#213. Husbands/Wives
If the hero(ine) is married, and the wife(husband) DOES NOT DISAPPEAR in the first 15 minutes of the movie, chances are the husband(wife) is up to no good.
trust me.
#214. Hiding in the Closet/Cave/Small Space Under the Counter
SAFETY MARGIN:
Lion's Paws
Arms with Chainsaws
Monsters with Snapping Jaws
(and/or Razor Claws)
will almost but not quite reach you.
This tiny margin of safety, this extra bit of just enough space, those inches away from DEATH, are essential.
or you'll be killed and the movie gets short.
#215. Mountain Climbing
Try to be on the good end of the rope.
"That end's not frayed! It's BEEN CUT!"
#216. If You Were The Last Man On Earth
There will be one.
Even for just a fraction of a millisecond
The Last Tree
The Last Gummi Bear...
thanks, movie -- The Quiet Earth
#217. The Gun.
you can walk right up, and take it away from them.
"you don't want to do this!" "you wouldn't shoot ME!" "you couldn't kill anyone!"
speak in soft, but compelling tones. try it!
#218. Buttons in the 21st Century.
There aren't any.
all the 20th Century movies show us in jumpsuits.
where's yours?
#219. Don't Bite My Head Off
how silly.
anything that can bite your head off
isn't going to take instructions.
#220. The End of the World
Aerobics of the Future: Isotopics
Okay, everybody, FUSE! Yeah! We're fission now!
Thanks, Tony Walker
#221. Till Death Do Us Part
"I'll love you TILL I die!"
"I'm yours TILL The End of Time!!"
Till? What do they mean, till???
Does love have a shelf life?
Tony Walker helped
#222. Police Dog
it will be injured, and we will all go to the vet
but in the end, usually, Fluffy (Butch) (Muffin) is okay!
#223. The SEANCE
I can't, I have negative alpha-bits.
Thanks, Demon Seed
#224. We Thought He Was Dead.
No!
When it's down to just The Bad Guy and The Girl, and he's backing her into that corner using the flame thrower, some bad vitamins and a mean parrot, one of the dead guys will hit/shoot/impale him from behind.
That Dead Guy was Just Resting.
On some bullets. In a pool of blood. Under a forklift.
Later, we'll see him in a sling.
#225. CLEAR !!!
Guess What I Want For Christmas.*
I'm going to start a franchise drive-thru chain called JumpStart. Starbucks, watch out.
*No. That was last year, and I didn't get a single taser.
#226. Evacuate the City IMMEDIATELY!
cod liver oil ?
#227. animals
will, at some point, make a mess of the interior.
but it will be cute.
#228.
R
A
I N B
O
W
A Rainbow Is A Multi-Colored Smile turned upside down
Thanks, Person I had To Shoot
#229. MAKE A WISH and blow out the candles !
And it really, really works ! ! (trust me)
#230. "The Game is A Foot !"
Sherlock Holmes says that, a lot. and I don't get it --
why a foot? why not a big toe, or a finger?
he was one of those zen-detectives, I guess.
#231. "The Crawling Hand Is A Foot !"
(oh ha ha)
Oh, Shoe Button Eyes, Thanks!
~MOVIE CLICHE OF THE D A Y FUTURE~
#232. Hello? Vote Counter?
I know where your grandchildren live.
let freedom ring - guy on the net has put up the names, phone numbers and addresses of the florida electors -- one of 'em got on the news and said she answers the phone, every time. a True Heroine.
~MOVIE CLICHE OF THE D A Y FUTURE~
#233. ROCKY PART V Rocky goes to Florida!
See him take on -- The Ballot !
Can he punch out -- The Chad !
from tony walker !
#234. Dale Arden
which of these is correct?
"FLASH!" (SCREAM) (faint)
(faint) "FLASH!" (SCREAM)
(SCREAM) "FLASH!" (faint)
(faint) (SCREAM) "FLASH!"
"FLASH!" (faint) (SCREAM)
(SCREAM) (faint) "FLASH!"
they are all correct. Prince Baron, Real Ruler of Mongo
#235. Emporer Ming
"Emporer Ming -- is Dead!"
if you believe that, you must be -- (gasp) still supporting al gore's constitutional crisis?
a villian always needs shooting twice.
at least twice.
Flash goes to the dungeon, Dale goes to the harem/dress shop and what do we do with
#236. Dr. Zarkoff
"Take Him to the Laboratory!"
so we can hear him say, "This is Zarkoff, calling the Planet Earth! Come in, Earth!" ("WHAT? I was in the shower, already. Who is this? N0, no planet earth here.")
thanks, flash!
#237. fLAsH gORDoN !!
if you watch him, you'll notice he can't stay still for for one minute without hitting someone.
but if you listen to him, you'll notice he only says one thing,
"Where's Dale?" thanks, shoe button eyes
#238. Poison !
The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle! The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true!
hist !! -- there's been a change:
They broke the chalice from the palace
and replaced it with a flagon --
a flagon of a dragon.
The vessel with the pestle has the pellet with the poison! The flagon with the dragon has the brew that is true!
get it? got it! good!
#239. HUGE, RADIOACTIVE BUGS.
an Ode:
Giant Locusts in my soup.
Get me a bigger spoon.
Kid: try this at home:
Did you ever get close up to one of those shiny round ornament balls when you were a kid?
Your face will frighten you!
#241. what to my wondering eyes should appear:
a MINIATURE sleigh?
eight TINY reindeer?
How big IS Santa, anyway?
bouncer, thrasher, spitter -- can you name all eight?
#242. Vixen.
NOT a russ meyer film.
VIXEN IS A REINDEER!
The Votes are In: here are the rest of the reindeer:
On Peanut! On Cupid!
On Comment and Kitchen!
On Pizza! On Munchkin!
On Blunder and Vixen!
On Stupid!
On Blitzkrieg!
On Schnitzel and Pretzel! On Thistle! On Twohead! On Heckle and Jeckle!
thanks to people like YOU
(except for the person who wrote in "Huckleberry": you're crazy.)
#243. 2001.
The Future is --
NOW with NEW milennium! (thank you)
#244. Snow.
In the movies,
it's always beautiful.
#245. Crusty But Benign.
Look, Murdoch, (or Buffy or Jason)
My _ _ _ is On The Line! I'm Giving You _ _ _ _ (or _ _, or _ ) More Hours to Solve The Crime!
#246. Top SECRET
Can you name some more?
Bottom Secret Middle Secret Fairly Secret Was Secret But Now Everybody Knows
Ice Blue Secret "strong enough for a man -- but made for a woman!" what woman? we don't know -- but she sweats a lot. Victoria's Secret Pop Secret
(thanks, button.)
#247. Have a Cigar!
you don't hear that, anymore. what do they pass out now, tofu?
"congratulations! it's a jason!"
"congratulations! it's a brittney!"
Girls Names You Don't Hear Anymore:
Agnes
Bertha
Boys Names You Don't Hear Anymore:
Melvin
Algore
#248. No Man Is An Island.
"No man is a woman, either." -- Robin Williams (Club Paradise)
why do people always say that in the movies? did it ever work?
Bad Guy: You promise? Cross your heart?
Good Guy: Absolutely. I promise.
Bad Guy: Well...Okay, you can go!
#251. Okay, TALK! press here and, it better be good!
#252. Clean GetAway! Did you hear the one about the holdup at the car wash? (oh, ha ha!)
#253. BATHTUBS.
bubblebaths are mostly safe. but if the water is CLEAR --
you're just asking to get your face pushed under.
if you liked
"what lies beneath"...
you've been watching the lifetime channel, haven't you?
got taste?
#254. Casper, The Friendly Ghost
Gary Shaw writes: "What happened to Casper, The Friendly Boy?"
I think he got hit by Choo-Choo, The Friendly Train
any takers?
#255. Be MINE!
(no! never!)
(somebody's idea of a postcard -- from 1912)
#256. BLOOD
"Blood! That should be on the inside!" Woody Allen (Bananas)
#257. Pennies From Heaven
yes, it was a Steve Martin movie.
it was also a #1 HIT for Bing Crosby in 1936
let's listen in:
Ev'ry time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven
Don'tcha know each cloud contains pennies from heaven?
You'll find your fortune fallin' all over town
Be sure that your umbrella
Is upside down
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love, you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder
Don't run under a tree!
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me
okay, now -- let's examine this together:
physics experts!
which HURTS more dropping on your head --
a pound of feathers or a pound of pennies ?
correct!
what is the air speed velocity (hurt) of a penny dropping all the way from heaven?
correct again!
"be sure that your umbrella -- is upside down!"
this is very bad advice. all that loose change, you could get badly bruised.
you should try MY way of singing this song.
it's not helpful, but it's undeniably true, and --
it's shorter!
Every Time It Rains, It Rains!
(The End)
#258. Tick...Tick...Tick... This is NOT a good sound.
#259. Duck!
Splah! Blooh Ah! Grish! Bladda!
I don't understand ANYTHING Donald says.
#260. Fava Beans And A Nice Chianti
If you can read this, you're too close. -- Hannibal Lechter
Liver. It's not just for breakfast, anymore.
#261. "If I Only Had A Brain!" -- Ray Liotta
~MOVIE MTV-VH1 CLICHE OF THE DAY~
#262. Unplugged !
I'm getting real tired of that word. does it mean:
they took the bullet out of him ex-lax didn't pay his light bill
~MOVIE SEATTLE CLICHE OF THE DAY~
#263. bill gates
what's wrong with you people?
you missed him, again!
Congratulations, however, on taking down Starbucks.
You can get much better coffee at PEETS
#264. The Four Seasons.
Salt
Pepper
Ketchup
Mustard
#265. Accidents Will Happen
This is why I am not allowed to eat cocoa out of the envelope
any more.
So instead... last night, I had chocolate melted milk! (thanks, chocomacademic)
#266. The Xenomorph
"Bug hunt -- it's a Bug Hunt." -- Bill Paxton (Aliens)
only five years old, but he knows how to prey: INTRODUCING:
DENNIS THE MANTIS
(thanks, shoe button eyes)
~MOVIE BANKING CLICHE OF THE DAY~
#267. FREE CHECKING!
scene: modest but humble apartment in hawaii
me: la, la, la, la...LA!
(window opens)
bank: hello!
me: OH!
bank: are you okay?
me: what are you DOING in my window?
bank: just checking! it's free! so...how are you?
me: (hopefully) go away!
bank: what have you got in your hand?
me: nothing...
bank: well, you've got SOMETHING in your hand. maybe you could put it in your safety deposit box -- that's free, too!
me: get out of here!
bank: (hurt) well...if you're sure you're okay...
me: fine, I'm FINE! go away!
bank: (brightening) okay! see you tomorrow!
#268. FISH IN SPACE "The only difference between space and water -- is density." -- Professor Elliot (The Man from Planet X)
#269. FOREIGN FILMS:
"Los Potatos Pretendos"
THANKS, FLASH!
#270. Vive La Difference!
Me: Do you think there's much difference between Men and Women?
He: You mean physically or hysterically?
THANKS, FLASH!
#271. Shoes !
People in the movies almost never have feet.
#272. Famous Last Words !
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said
something."
--- last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
"Ooof!" -- future smooshed guy in North Dakota who is not expecting to get hit with MIR, but he is (1960-2001)
#273. SURPRISE Party!
which of these is correct:
1. SURPRISEE enters dark room. Lights come on. SURPRISEE is surprised, but well groomed, in good health, and happy to be surprised.
2. SUPRISEE enters dark room. Lights come on. SUPRISEE is suprised, totally naked, wearing a Viking Helmet, and expecting a torrid affair with hostess. (close up: about to be ex-wife, looking up divorce lawyers in yellow pages.)
3. SUPRISEE enters dark room. Lights come on. It's not him. (It's the late guy. Everyone picks up confetti and goes back under the couch.)
4. SUPRISEE enters dark room. Lights come on. SURPRISEE is holding open bowling bag with semi-concealed severed head, and a flame thrower. SUPRISEE makes a wish, torches guests.
Black & Blue
Try This At Home:
You can punch a hero a million times in the face and his nose will not break. His eyes will not swell shut. He will NEVER get bruised or turn black and blue.
You WILL see either a) a small trickle of blood from the corner of the mouth b) small, beautymark type cut on cheek or c) small gash near temple.
(if there's a fire, a smudge mark may be substituted for the small cut)
all bumps and bruises incurred during any movie are collected and given to Rocky.
Thanks, Flash!
#275. The Hospital
You are about to hear:
a) He's Lost a Lot of Blood...
b) We Did Everything We Could...
or MY FAVORITE, c) It was Touch and Go...
I know what that means, but
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
except for maybe that time in the subway, has anyone ever come up to you and touched you, and then left?
JUST ONCE, wouldn't you like to hear a doctor say something different, like:
"Has he been eating onions? whew!"
"Did his ears always wiggle like that?"
"As long as I'm operating, is there anything you'd like changed?"
#276. Dogs.
(The best ones just show up.)
"Can I keep him?" "Now, hold on, Son..."
#278. Or I'll shoot the girl!
Let me get this straight. I put the gun down and you kill both of us, or I just shoot you and you won't have time to do anything before you drop with a bullet between your eyes?
I'll put the gun down.
addendum: the villain, in fact, does not shoot, at this time. all villains are subject to procrastination, so you will only be tied up at this point, have a nice scene with the girl, and escape. trust me.
#279. State Farmers Daughters!
In the movies, girls are insurance.
"Bring her along -- as insurance..."
Thanks, Flash! (Mr. Clever)
#280. What's in a Name?
match these professions to their characters' NAMES:
Woody "Chuck" Chuck
Myron Mervyn
Guy Guy
a) Hero
b) Scientist
c) Baseball Player
Thanks, Shoe Button Eyes! (Mr. Clever)
#281. The French Restaurant
et voilà!
le dinêr est prêt!
(dinner is tiny)
When the hero is served anything on a plate where the metal cover is removed, with a flourish, by a waiter, it will be a very, very small serving. (usually, sparrow) (with one baby carrot) (and a leaf).
He will give his food (usually, sparrow) a strange look. His dinner partner lady will be looking happy and not notice.
Rarely will this be the same woman he kisses at the end of the movie.
miss manners on:
#282. Gangsters Dining In Public
the gangster will always be surrounded by his:
entourage. retinue. thugs.
(these are all french words.)
The Hero (throws down napkin and/or tosses back drink) approaches the table, but will never hit The Gangster.
One by one, The Entourage (retinue. thugs) will rise, and The Hero will take out all but the last two,
-- at least two must remain seated with The Gangster at all times. The Gangster will however, be very very embarrassed by the ineptness of his hired hands.
The Gangster may, at his discretion, call for a phone, and say, "get me some new stupid people!" or alternatively, "what do I pay you for?"
if he does not own the club, he may leave a tip.
sister mary cigarette sings: #282. Climb EVERY Mountain!
Is she crazy?
#283. " -- They're Dropping Like FLIES!"
dropping WHAT like flies?
do flies drop things?
do they mean the fly itself, like, dropping out of the sky???
I've seen smooshed flies, but I've never seen a fly actually drop, have you?
and this isn't even about one fly! it's about a BUNCH of flies, that they're dropping like.
who ARE these people?
who ARE these flies???
#284. The BIG Computer
I'm through the firewall and have bypassed their security system!
oh yeah, how?
(with my little laptop and my savvy street smarts)
(oh, and about ten seconds of really fast typing)
shh! the following commands will get you through ANY firewall:
let me in!
open up!
snickers
baby ruth
oven mitt
don't tell anybody, okay?
#285. Eight Days A Week
Can You Name All Five???
Monsoon
Too Soon
Weed Day
Thirst Day
Fried Egg
Satyr Day ...Someday
#286. The ANTI-CREST
It's ME!
Got another great check up at the dentist!!
after 30 years of NO CREST, NO FLUORIDE and NO FLUORIDATED WATER,
This is not good. WE KNOW this but shh!
The people in the movie don't.
" -- got sick (broke neck) (disappeared) (came over all dead). I'm the Last Minute Replacement (ringer) (stooge for bad guys) (has separate agenda)."
Flash does it again! Thanks!
#288. Breasts
Steve Martin: "Sandie, your breasts feel...weird."
Sarah Jessica Parker: "Oh, that's because they're real."
movie: LA Story
okay, we're all adults here. this is a very valid movie cliche. and you should see
the catalogs I don't ask for with all the miracle bras, and now some kind of water bra,
at least I think it was "hydro" and not "hydra" which would be terrible because I
think that's one with all the snake heads. so, I wonder about future bras like electric but all I could come up with for dialogue were these two:
(reading from left to right)
1st person: new breasts?
2nd person: no, same ones, but I had them switched.
or
1st person: new breasts?
2nd person: no, same ones. I've just had them fluffed.
no wait, I just thought of another future possibility, oh, this is worse than body piercing even, how about --
"collect all ten!"
"trade 'em with your friends!" "also functions as a kneecap!" "leaving the room, or just entering, -- confuse everyone!"
#289. C OL OR "Scheme"
Blue! You do this!
Red! Cover Him!
#290. Folk Songs IF I HAD A HAMMER! rated pig-13 for violence, gratuitous violence, strong language, rotten language, AND being a folk song instead of scary movie
Peter Paul Almond Joy (pat.pretending) had a big hit with this song. That's because -- Nobody listens to lyrics.
Let's take care of that, right now.
okay, think -- Vincent Price. Or PETER LORRE -- you know Peter Lorre, right? Okay, never mind, think -- Jack Nicholson. This person has been deprived of all sharp objects, and most of the soft ones.
Think of it as -- a recitation.
If I had a hammer...
(smiles)
I'd hammer in the morning...
I'd hammer in the evening...
(BIG smile)
ALL OVER this land!
I'D HAMMER OUT LOVE (whap!) between (whap!) my brothers (whap!) and my sisters (whap!) !!
A--L--L (whap! whap! whap!) OVER this land!
Okay, second verse -- keep in mind this person has been left in the quiet room, all by himself, for a long time. So now, Jack Nicholson (or Peter Lorre, or Vincent Price) examines his padded walls, his door with no window. He sinks to the floor, sits. He smiles.
If I had a bell!
I'd ring it in the morning! (ting-a-ling!)
I'd ring it in the evening! (ting-a-ling, TING-A-LING!)
ALL OVER this land! (dingdingding! DONG! oh ting, ting-a-ling!)
are you starting to get the picture now?
folk singers are insane.
~MOVIE CLICHE OF THE DAY~
#291. Hospital Double-Talk
Doctor, his natural resources are dropping!
Alright, get him strip mined!
But he's bulktose...
What are his vital signs?
Stop...Go...No Right Turn -- Doctor, he's comatic!
Remove his pulse!
We can't! He's registering styrofoamie!
Okay, pack him!
From Shoe Button Eyes (unplugged)
#292. The Family Pet
Dogs: You have a 50-50 chance of survival, UNLESS you try to defend your family. Bite 'em on the hand and hide under the bed. (what's wrong with Fluffy?)
Cats: Make friends with the dog under the bed. When you sense doom, and you will, it is your job to come out and frighten the doomee. (Fluffy, you scared me!) When you hear that sigh of relief, (it's only the cat, whew!) get back under the bed IMMEDIATELY. Your owner is about to be killed.
If you are a Bird: CONGRATULATIONS! You will almost certainly live, and almost certainly, your name is not Fluffy.
#293. The Flat Tire
DON'T try to fix it. Drive on the rim.
#294. Unless It's Easter --
When you find some objects that
look like eggs, leave them alone.
BEFORE you buy that house, listen to what the children skipping rope are singing:
three, four....better lock your door!
five, six...there's a homicidal maniac in the neighborhood! seven,eight...sell your real estate!
#296. Neon Lights
PAY ATTENTION to signs that have letters worn away or missing.
This MEANS something.
#297. Camping OUT
get out of the sleeping bag.
#298. Love Has Many M's
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Thanks, FLASH
#299. The Couple Next Door
Bosc and Anjou Bartlett A Great Pair
Thanks, FLASH -- Always
#300. The Jewel in the Temple
or
Why Do We Even HAVE That Button???
When you remove the jewel, the temple will self-destruct.
okay, everybody knows this one. but the real question is, why? there is no archeological basis for this. it's only in the movies.
picture this temple just after it was completed and let's listen in:
Crowd: "Oh! What a beautiful jewel--"
Priest: "--NO! Do NOT touch the -- okay, listen up people, everybody, important safety
tip here. DO NOT TOUCH THE JEWEL."
Crowd: "Why not?"
Priest: "Because the entire temple will CRUMBLE! We'll all be KILLED! The temple will be RUINED!"
Crowd: "Let me get this straight. We drag all these stones and my back still hurts and
we build this temple, put a nice jewel in it,
then some thief comes along, steals the jewel and THE WHOLE TEMPLE COMES DOWN?
We lose the jewel AND the temple in one blow? Why can't we KEEP the temple and
just go get another jewel?"
Priest: "You QUESTION the Priest of Your Temple?"
Crowd: "Well we're STARTING to, yeah..."
Priest: (Looks for something to throw at crowd, sees jewel, reaches, hesitates...) "Be GONE!"
Crowd: Look at the time! We've gotta go... harvest something... (crowd drifts away, but quickly)
Thanks, FLASH -- You're BRILLIANT
#301. The COVER UP.
A. Max Factor
B. A nice blanket
C. A far reaching, nefarious scheme intended to obscure the truth, extending to the upper echelons, the depth of which would amaze you.
#302. The RESCUE Party.
it's been delayed by bad weather.
#303. They're TAPPING The WIRES!
Umbilical Bros. Circuits prevents The High Wire Tap!
You're Always Flash
#304. We Can't TAKE That RISK!
-- But They Will.
and BONUS Cliche:
#305. That's a RISK We'll Have To TAKE!
-- Usually, not as successful as the one they can't take but then they do.
Explain to ME: On Grillin' With The Godfather, A TV Robert DiNiro quoted Francis Ford Coppola quothing this: #305. A Man's REACH Should EXCEED his GRASP!
-- I don't get this at all.
Is my arm, maybe, longer than my fingers?
Why am I reaching for something I can't grasp?
Well what if I'm a Trapeze Artist --
Should I be doing that?
Also, does this quoth work with "Get A Grip" ? please advise. thank you.
#306. Bill And Coo!
What The Power Company does.
Flash says he's #307. LACTOSE INTOLERANT "-- I don't like cows," he said darkly.
He's invented a New Product:
#308. LACTOSE INTELLIGENT Smart Milk.
You're Always Flash
#309. I'm Not Gonna Make It!
"Yes, You WILL!"
No, he won't.
But that's not the correct answer.
("okay, bye!" is not acceptable.)
~ Future MOVIE CLICHE OF THE DAY~
Coming Soon:
#310. Candyman IV
He's Got: Lipo Suckers
They're fat-free!
With New Arch Nemesis:
Raisin Brain
ShoeButton Eyes, Thanks
#311. The Words of Power
If you feel you MUST examine the Book of (Evil) (Magic) (Yellow Pages):
Try not to read out loud
#312. Never Hit A Man With Glasses!
Hit him with something much bigger and heavier.
#313. Hieroglyphics
"I recognize this language -- it's Balsamic!"
"Yes! From the 10th Dynasty Vinagrette!"
ShoeButton Eyes, Thanks
#314. isn't funny right now. trust me.
#315. It's a small world, after all! OR: Person From Another Planet
"Greetings, Humanlings and Earthoids! I come from The Planet Mars!"
People from other planets use the same names for their planets that we do!
Dear Mr. Gordon, Thanks
#316. Alien SPACECRAFT!
Everybody KNOWS --
if there is an alien spacecraft around
your car won't start.
#317. Identical TWINS...
There's a good one
and a bad one.
I'm worried about the Olsens.
Dear FLASH, Thanks!
#318. Scientists
NEVER
have a southern accent.
acceptable: German Russian English (Harvard)
AND
#319. Laboratory ASSISTANTS
all the girl ones are beautiful.
all the men ones are
hunchbacks
or -- hiding from the police
or -- flunked piano lessons.
AND
#320. Laboratory ANIMALS
Tender Heart:
Don't watch anything with a monkey in it.
Trust me.
#321. Martial ARTS Tae Bo
Chinese Gift Wrapping
Dear FLASH, Thanks!
#322. The INHERITANCE !
Never accept a legacy from a relative you've never heard of.
Usually, it will be a house. Don't go there.
#323. The GHOSTS OF MARS...
You've seen it before. Really. Space Mining Camp space cops space bad guys monster infected employees who bite their own legs off.
Are there TWO John Carpenters? please advise.
#324. Haunted Furniture
Usually, it is a rocking chair you almost never see a haunted couch
Thanks to an inspiration from N. HICKMANN, who has to get OFF her couch or you can't hear anything she says on the cellphone, otherwise it works just fine.
#325. Alien COMMUNICATIONS
They have a lot of problems with their cell phones --
Too much static klingon
#326. TERRORISM
White powder in the mail that can hurt you. wait. that's not a cliche. yet.
Hysterical Note: During this period of history, children, began the true Dawn of Electronic Mail (DEM). Paper money and coinage virtually disappear overnight, replaced, such as we enjoy today using a coke machine, with the Fingerprint ID Scanner/Automatic Bank Vendor Payment Transfer System (on AOL). Microsoft, our 51st state, was omitted from the Union, and man took his first steps on the moon.
Virtual Offices begat Virtual Homes, and public appearances -- disappeared. (Except for some sports figures, altho most football players "phoned it in".) As we know, Virtual Appearance, while not nearly perfected, was successfully introduced, altho it was banned in some restaurants.
Then in 2002, Multi-Windows released their initial version of Multi-Virtual Appearance, -- it was not uncommon, in those days, to run into yourself, and several professors of physics died.
In our next lesson, children, we will cover the period of The Great Power Glitch.
#327. Scary MUSIC
Mixed Chorus Gregorian Chants not good.
Also music boxes and plinky pianos (see Carpenter, John.)
but the really scary music is -- Thir13een Ghosts
the scary part is, you might lose your hearing.
(but the house is cool)
support william castle film remakes -- see it today!
#328. The Psychic Touch
NEVER TOUCH A PSYCHIC.
Have you seen the way they jerk around when you do that? Your Whole Life passes before their eyes -- And they get your credit card number and EVERYTHING.
Miss Manners Says: wait until he/she/it extends his/her/its hand.
This is also true of guide dogs. DO NOT touch 'em. They're supposed to be concentrating (and bonding) on their owner. Also any dog (unleashed) that is waiting politely for it's owner as it was told to do. Don't mess up their learning curve, leave 'em alone. Thank You.
Dear FLASH, Thanks!
#329. The Black HOLE NOW! With EMISSIONS!
Scientists Say: Give Up
You can fill a Black Hole with Horsehead Nebula BUT you can't teach it to drink
Guys, remember the Black Hole THEORY -- it's ONLY a theory, people. But somehow, they got you all to learn it, and they keep presenting it like it's true. No one, not even Hubble, has identified one by sight. Originally, it was a way to keep their math okay -- see, some of the matter was "missing" in their equation. Well, the equation was flawless, of course, so some matter must have been swallowed! By a black hole -- yeah, that's the ticket! It swallowed our missing matter and it just keeps collapsing, collapsing, until someday, someday, we'll have a Big Bang. (kiddies, that's a theory, too.)
Now, we have too much matter, but we're keeping pretty quiet about that. Instead of calling off black holes, which would make some scientists look pretty silly what with their math being right and all, THEY HAVE NEWLY REDEFINED black holes right out of existence -- see, they "found" (deduced) one that seems to be EMITTING ENERGY.
How can that (by definition) be?
Because Science is always right.
And we can't tell a theory -- from a fact.
Thank You.
Dear FLASH, Thanks SOME MORE!
#330. Happy NEW YEAR !
2000 = Y2K nothing broke.
2001= The New Millenium nothing new.
2002 = ??? What's The Game Plan ????
Okay, I'll start...
product expiration beepers (get a shelf life)
smart cookies (with microchips)
stupid water (it don't say nuthing)
psychic elevators (no, guess again)
stairway to heaven (FAA)
jeff, beau and lloyd bridges
bill gates
national id (uh?)
food bombs to include candy (bon bombs)
microsoftener (available in 8 states)
and my personal favorite brain cloud San Francisco (city in the fog) has passed a $100 MILLION dollar bond to solar power public buildings (NO JOKE!) New public building hours: 12-1pm (with a one hour break for lunch)
Now, it's your turn -- what's the PLAN for 2002 ?
(Love, Robin)
#331. May I Have The Envelope, Please!
senator leahy senator daschle cdc u.s. post office academy awards
#332. He Sees You When You're Sleeping!
Wear something nice for Santa.
#333. Jingle Bell ROCK
a. Where the Elf Pilgrims landed
b. Santa's Fossil
c. Elf Rehabilitation Center
d. "Smashing thru the snow -- "
#334. Christmas CHEER
what is it?
a. yeah!
b. bif!
c. hooey!
d. bah.
e. Ni!
#335. Yule TIDE
It's rushing in!
#336. GOODWILL to Men turn your guy in to charity!
found! a REAL christmas list accidentally left behind at the video store...
#337. "chipmunks roasting on an open fire"
Dear FLASH, Thanks!
#338. Japanese Art Film SITAGAMI (The Art of Folding Chairs)
Dear FLASH, you've done it Again!
~ MOVIE Real Life CLICHE OF THE DAY~
#339. Spectator Sports Just WATCH (don't kill anybody)
#340. The "Creator".
Your Creature, will, invariably, turn on you.
"You're My Creation! You Must OBEY Me!" yeah, right.
They Never Learn:
#341. MARTIANS DON'T HAVE NYQUIL
"They should have stopped off at the burned out drugstore and gotten some!" -- Tony Walker
Why is it that advanced alien civilizations have this great technology but they never know anything about natural immunity?
Thanks, Tony Walker, My Hero
You cannot Save The World
(Planet) (Mining Company)
with a couple of thousand soldiers! You need --
#342. The Highly Trained Guys
The guys are doomed.
(zombies. bugs. anything with teeth.)
There are about ten of 'em.
Two will be killed right away, leaving the Captain to wonder,
"what the hell are we dealing with?"
The Captain will die with the middle group.
The Whiner (Sobber) (Cook) (Doctor)
will die in a Safe Spot so we know,
Nowhere is Safe.
The muscular girl will die, and die bravely. (we liked her)
There will be no communication with the outside world,
except possibly,
A Top Executive.
(If it is Christopher Plummer, you were doomed from the start.)
Only one member of the team, plus
The Mascot (small child, puppy, robot)
and a girl who was already there when the Highly Trained Guys showed up
will survive.
So will The Enemy.
(if you haven't seen Resident Evil, you're not playing the game.)
Thanks, Flash, Who Takes Me To Movies
TV CLICHE OF THE DAY~
#343. Theme from BARETTA
"So Keep Your Eye On The SPARROW!"
"(when the going gets NARROW!)"
huh?
So if I, like, watch the sparrow
won't I run into the wall?
#344. And They Lived Happily Ever After!
That is so true!
Thanks, Flash, Who Takes Me To Movies
#345. Can YOu IDEntiFy ThE MySterY CReDiTs ???
Møøse trained by TUTTE HERMSGERVORDENBROTBORDA
hint:
Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT
Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL
Møøse Choreographed by HORST PROT III
Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
Møøse trained to mix
concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG
Møøses' noses wiped by BJORN IRKESTOM-SLATER WALKER
Large møøse on the left
half side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a thorough
grounding in Latin, French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN
Suggestive poses for the
Møøse suggested by VIC ROTTER Antler-care by LIV THATCHER
The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, wish it to
be known that they have just been
sacked.
Thanks, Flash, Who Takes Me To Movies
Test Question from Topanga Cabal The Twelve Famous Buddha Minds School:
If they are our brothers, how come we can't eat them?
#282. Climb EVERY Mountain! 
There's a good one 
NEVER 
Tae Bo