UPDATED 01/03/06
We have kept this page intact as a memorial to our beloved cat, who left our world in the early morning hours of the first of january 2006. She will be sorely missed!
We have a truly rotten cat named "Teeny Weeny Kitty". She's the worst cat anybody ever had.
Her Endearing Traits:
She Growls She Hisses She Hits She Bites Hard She Pops Balloons She Claws
The opinions expressed above are those of my "owners". Since this is my page, however, I'm having my own "say" in the matter. This so-called "Guru" is just a fat old bearded guy who spends most of his time at one or the other of his computers, totally ignoring his faithful little cat.
You'll notice that I put the word "owners" in quotes. That's because this is clearly a misnomer. It is I, Teeny Weeny, who owns them. Never mind all that stuff about Abraham Lincoln, slavery is alive and well here, and I own two of them. I allow them to share my house if and only if they always feed me on schedule with the right kinds of cat food, treat me with total respect, change the litter box regularly, and stay out of my way otherwise.
When the old "guru" drinks milk, he does so only after I, his owner, have had my share off the top of the glass. If he refuses me my share, I just knock the whole glass over into his lap, then laugh at how stupid he looks trying to mop it all up with paper towels. Slaves can be quite entertaining if you know how to use them.
Just to keep them off balance, I do now and then permit them to pet me without getting clawed or bitten, but such occasions are rare and happen only by my choosing, so they never know what kind of reaction an attempt to pet me will bring. Now and then they yell at me, usually just after I've knocked over something of theirs. Yelling gets them a swift and sure hissing from me, and if they persist I'll even bite them just so they know who's the boss.
My favorite perch (the place, not the fish) is on top of the big TV set in their living room. The "guru" is too cheap and lazy to put up a proper antenna on the roof, so there's just one of those "Rabbit Ears" contraptions up there on top of the TV. This makes it easy to get them riled when I want to. I just knock that thing off the TV. Their precious pictures get all fuzzy, and they yell at me. HISS! HISS!
Oh yes, I nearly forgot one of my favorite tricks. In addition to the canned cat food and the special servings of lunch meats I get, they sometimes bring home a nice 3 1/2 pound bag of Chef's Blend dry cat food. This is my special treat. I just wait until they set it down somewhere, then rip the stupid bag open from the side. This makes it convenient for me to eat it whenever I like, without waiting for the slaves to pour it into a serving dish. Having been ripped open makes it almost impossible for them to pour any into the dish anyway. It pours all over the floor instead. The other cats that used to live here with me have all passed away (natural causes). That means that I have the duties and honors of being the leader all to myself. The slaves are easy to bully, so some days I just get bored and have to claw them or bite them for nothing just to keep in practice. It's a tough job, but some cat has to do it. When I was just a kitten, the "Guru" had to take me to see the local Veterinarian because I was very sick. At one point in the treatment, the Vet took me into a back room, away from my slave, to give me some kind of injection. When we returned, the Guru asked the Vet some silly question like "How'd she take it?" The Vet replied "She was less than cooperative." To this day, that sort of summarizes very nicely my relationship with humans. I'm always "less than cooperative"! One of the humans here has other "pets" which make me really angry. First, he bought a bunch of Goldfish, including one that's big enough to make a very nice lunch for me. As you may know, Goldfish are really Carp, and that's one of my favorite kinds of fish. They keep the tank covered so I can only see that Carp, not get my little claws or teeth into him. To add another insult, that same human (calls himself Jean-Guy) has added a pair of mice and a rat to his collection of "pets"! Those are RODENTS, FOLKS! Otherwise known as FOOD for us cats. Not only do rodents provide lots of protein for a cat, they also can be very entertaining while being slowly tortured to death! Alas, the darn kid has them sequestered in a cat-proof enclosure so I can see them, can beat on the outside of the plastic, but can't get them! One of the mice has, however, learned to escape from his enclosure, and I quickly catch him. Unfortunately, the boy who owns the mouse always catches me just when I've got the little rodent in my mouth, and rescues him. MADDENING! That's happened about five times now! Once I do get them, I've got uses planned, and thanks to my friend Salem, some great recipes: Rodent Stew Rodent Pie Kentucky Fried Rodent Rodent Mc Nuggets Must sign off now, it looks like the old guy is bringing in a new bag of Chef's Blend for me. First I'll sharpen my claws on his doorframe, and then ... My Picture, being less than cooperative as usual! (This is when I was still very young) And now a new chapter. My slave thinks he's got problems with his health after a heart attack? Those are NOTHING! I got sick myself just recently, had to see the vet and got serious surgery done. Seems my uterus got seriously infected with some kind of awful germs, and the only solution was to have surgery. So now I've got this enormous set of stitches on my shaved belly where nice white fur used to be, and the "female" parts inside have all been removed. In addition, I had to put up with something they call an I.V. plugged into my right front paw. That's been removed now, and that's okay by me! Meanwhile my slave continues acting as if HIS health problems are important. So long as he's alive and able to feed and pet his cat, nothing else matters. He should GET OVER IT! New Subject - Me and Bob Barker! My slaves are fond of watching the TV Game show "The Price is Right" every weekday at 11 in the morning. Thanks to them, I, too, have become hooked on the daily appearance of my hero, Bob Barker. Each weekday I insist that my main slave (the guru) sits in his computer desk chair with the TV on, tuned to CBS. He must cross his arms across his chest so that I can rest there while enjoying the show. The only problems come on Saturday and Sunday, when my favorite show is NOT on the air. After I raised hell every weekend for about six weeks, the stupid slaves got the idea I was trying to get to them. They have a VCR here in the living room, so I have them tape two of my friend Bob's shows during the week, then play the shows back on Saturday and Sunday. Slaves can be trained to do simple tasks, if their slave-holder is just a little patient with them. (Biting and clawing helps their training considerably!) Now, as if we needed them, the guru's daughter has brought him two pet rats! Just what I love, more stupid rodents in the house! They're being kept in the guru's bedroom, so mostly I don't get to see them, but really! They should be LUNCH, not prized and pampered pets! Me using my Favorite Slave (the Guru) Photo by Lory Werths, 2004 Click for how to use Slaves New Stories!!!! That dumb rabbit has died. (Natural causes, not my fault!) It's time to offer up some new stories about ME and the other animals I have to deal with. That's on a new page, so click HERE! UPDATE TO NOVEMBER 2005!!! More medical problems, this time with my aged and rotting teeth. Spent a day at the vet's getting dental work done. They pulled a couple of my worst teeth. My mouth was still sore for a while, but the offer of Star-Kist Chunk Light Tuna in water was enough to get me back to eating. That stuff sure is GOOD! (You can tell it's the right kind because there's no picture of a cat on the label, just that silly "Charlie" the tuna.) Click for a word from my friend Salem You are Victim Number: Send me Email Here (my slaves will read it to me) I have actually received an award from a DOG!! To Guru's Main Page Return to Guru's Home Page Return to Lory's Page
Oh yes, I nearly forgot one of my favorite tricks. In addition to the canned cat food and the special servings of lunch meats I get, they sometimes bring home a nice 3 1/2 pound bag of Chef's Blend dry cat food. This is my special treat. I just wait until they set it down somewhere, then rip the stupid bag open from the side. This makes it convenient for me to eat it whenever I like, without waiting for the slaves to pour it into a serving dish. Having been ripped open makes it almost impossible for them to pour any into the dish anyway. It pours all over the floor instead.
The other cats that used to live here with me have all passed away (natural causes). That means that I have the duties and honors of being the leader all to myself. The slaves are easy to bully, so some days I just get bored and have to claw them or bite them for nothing just to keep in practice. It's a tough job, but some cat has to do it.
When I was just a kitten, the "Guru" had to take me to see the local Veterinarian because I was very sick. At one point in the treatment, the Vet took me into a back room, away from my slave, to give me some kind of injection. When we returned, the Guru asked the Vet some silly question like "How'd she take it?" The Vet replied "She was less than cooperative." To this day, that sort of summarizes very nicely my relationship with humans. I'm always "less than cooperative"!
One of the humans here has other "pets" which make me really angry. First, he bought a bunch of Goldfish, including one that's big enough to make a very nice lunch for me. As you may know, Goldfish are really Carp, and that's one of my favorite kinds of fish. They keep the tank covered so I can only see that Carp, not get my little claws or teeth into him.
To add another insult, that same human (calls himself Jean-Guy) has added a pair of mice and a rat to his collection of "pets"! Those are RODENTS, FOLKS! Otherwise known as FOOD for us cats. Not only do rodents provide lots of protein for a cat, they also can be very entertaining while being slowly tortured to death! Alas, the darn kid has them sequestered in a cat-proof enclosure so I can see them, can beat on the outside of the plastic, but can't get them! One of the mice has, however, learned to escape from his enclosure, and I quickly catch him. Unfortunately, the boy who owns the mouse always catches me just when I've got the little rodent in my mouth, and rescues him. MADDENING! That's happened about five times now!
Once I do get them, I've got uses planned, and thanks to my friend Salem, some great recipes:
Must sign off now, it looks like the old guy is bringing in a new bag of Chef's Blend for me. First I'll sharpen my claws on his doorframe, and then ...
My Picture, being less than cooperative as usual! (This is when I was still very young)
And now a new chapter. My slave thinks he's got problems with his health after a heart attack? Those are NOTHING! I got sick myself just recently, had to see the vet and got serious surgery done. Seems my uterus got seriously infected with some kind of awful germs, and the only solution was to have surgery.
So now I've got this enormous set of stitches on my shaved belly where nice white fur used to be, and the "female" parts inside have all been removed. In addition, I had to put up with something they call an I.V. plugged into my right front paw. That's been removed now, and that's okay by me!
Meanwhile my slave continues acting as if HIS health problems are important. So long as he's alive and able to feed and pet his cat, nothing else matters. He should GET OVER IT!
My slaves are fond of watching the TV Game show "The Price is Right" every weekday at 11 in the morning. Thanks to them, I, too, have become hooked on the daily appearance of my hero, Bob Barker. Each weekday I insist that my main slave (the guru) sits in his computer desk chair with the TV on, tuned to CBS. He must cross his arms across his chest so that I can rest there while enjoying the show. The only problems come on Saturday and Sunday, when my favorite show is NOT on the air.
After I raised hell every weekend for about six weeks, the stupid slaves got the idea I was trying to get to them. They have a VCR here in the living room, so I have them tape two of my friend Bob's shows during the week, then play the shows back on Saturday and Sunday. Slaves can be trained to do simple tasks, if their slave-holder is just a little patient with them. (Biting and clawing helps their training considerably!)
Now, as if we needed them, the guru's daughter has brought him two pet rats! Just what I love, more stupid rodents in the house! They're being kept in the guru's bedroom, so mostly I don't get to see them, but really! They should be LUNCH, not prized and pampered pets!
Me using my Favorite Slave (the Guru) Photo by Lory Werths, 2004
Click for how to use Slaves
That dumb rabbit has died. (Natural causes, not my fault!) It's time to offer up some new stories about ME and the other animals I have to deal with. That's on a new page, so click HERE!
More medical problems, this time with my aged and rotting teeth. Spent a day at the vet's getting dental work done. They pulled a couple of my worst teeth. My mouth was still sore for a while, but the offer of Star-Kist Chunk Light Tuna in water was enough to get me back to eating. That stuff sure is GOOD! (You can tell it's the right kind because there's no picture of a cat on the label, just that silly "Charlie" the tuna.)
Click for a word from my friend Salem
You are Victim Number:
I have actually received an award from a DOG!!
To Guru's Main Page
Return to Lory's Page
She
Growls