God saw you getting tired,
and a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped His arms around you,
and whispered "Come with me".
We watched you suffer,
and we saw you fade away.
Although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
It's lonesome here without you,
we miss you more each day.
Life just doesn't seem the same,
Now that you've gone away.
When days are sad and lonely,
and everything goes wrong,
We seem to hear you whisper,
"Cheer up and carry on".
Each time we see your picture,
You seem to smile and say,
I am in God's keeping,
We'll meet again someday.
~Author Unknown~

February 13, 2000

Last night I had a dream. I dreamed my mother came to see me. What's the big deal? Mothers visit their children every day, right? It was a REALLY big deal for me. I'd like to tell you why. I have been carrying this tremendous burden of guilt and a whirlwind of conflicting emotions inside me every day for almost three years now. The time has finally come for me to "get it off my chest" so to speak.

I have written many poems for my mother, and she enjoyed them all. But you won't find any of them on this page. What you are about to read is the most painful thing I have ever written.
The following chain of events has caused me to question, over and over, my loyalty as a daughter, nursing as my chosen profession, (I am a registered nurse) and my faith in the Lord.

It is a confession of sorts. Something I've needed to come to terms with for a long time.

My dear mother passed away on Easter Sunday, 1997, very unexpectedly. None of us wanted to believe when it all began that she would never come home again.

Good Friday, 1997, started like any other day. Doing the usual routine things we do every day. I was aware that my mother had a cold, but it didn't seem like anything unusual at the time. We all have colds at one time or another. Then I got a phone call from my sister. She said, "You really need to come and take a look at mom". Well, I gathered up everything a nurse would carry on a "house call" and I went to see my mother. What I saw still haunts me today. She was suffering from tachypnia, tachycardia, disorientation, and lethargy. In laymen's terms, she was short of breath with a very rapid heart beat, disoriented and sluggish. Her skin was clammy. Her lung sounds revealed poor air exchange, and her feet were already slightly "mottled". Mottling can be a sign of impending death. Her blood pressure was slightly low but nothing to be alarmed about. I did a blood glucose test with normal results. The nurse in me knew that her body had already begun to shut down, and she was in desperate need of medical attention. But the daughter in me did not want to believe this was happening.
Just call an ambulance, right? Wrong! My mother absolutely refused to go the hospital, and without her consent, we could do nothing but stand by and watch her deteriorate. She did not realize just how SICK she really was.

My sisters and I begged, pleaded and groveled with her to no avail. We knew it was now or never. So we called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they too agreed she needed medical attention. So THEY begged, pleaded and groveled with her. She would not give in. I even resorted to telling her just HOW sick she was, and that I could not, and would not just stand there and watch her die. She still refused. She was afraid. This was a woman who had not been to see a doctor for 30 years. She just simply would not go. And you can't be treated against your will. But my sisters and I wanted her to LIVE! And I know she also did not wish to die. She was only 68! But she did not realize just how grave her condition was. And boy was she stubborn!

We were at a loss for what to do. Our hands were tied as long as she continued to refuse to be treated. So my sisters and I felt we had no choice but to get a court order for her to be taken out of her house against her will. I can't even begin to tell you how that felt. But where were we going to find a judge on Good Friday? Well, luck was on our side that day because somehow we managed to find a judge who agreed to sign the order.
Now here comes the part that I've been "beating myself up" over. We felt badly enough that we had to resort to what we did, but someone had to talk to the judge. And that someone was me. Because I was the one with the "degree". With a very heavy heart, I described to him my mother's symptoms. By this time, she was suffering from what is known as "air hunger". Needless to say he also agreed that she needed medical treatment, and agreed to sign the order. All the while I'm hearing my mother in the background saying, "Janelle, if you do this to me, I'll disown you!" Words I knew she didn't really mean, but cut deep nonetheless. Since that day, I have heard those words over and over and over again. . . . . . . .

As they were loading my mother into the ambulance, one of my sister's neighbors handed me a card with a prayer on it. I hope she knows just how much that little gesture meant to me. I rode in the ambulance with her holding tight to my hand the whole way. I even promised her she would be "ok". Was I wrong for telling her something I feared was not true?
We were only at the hospital a short time when the doctor came out and told us we needed to make a decision and to make it fast. Our mother was wearing out just from the labor of trying to breath. We had to decide whether or not to put her on a ventilator. We knew in our hearts that, were she able to make the decision for herself, she would NEVER agree to that. So we asked that she be made as comfortable as possible without the ventilator. She was already having a hard enough time and she would have fought it, which would have only worked against her. Not to mention that she was very, very scared.

She was placed in the intensive care unit. The family kept a vigil at her bedside. We were hoping against hope. She was becoming more and more lethargic. On Saturday night I took the cross from around my neck and placed it on my mother's neck. And she said "Thank you". We kept telling her that we loved her and to rest and get better. But we knew that was not to be. On Sunday, each of us, my three sisters and my brother, told her it was "ok" for her to stop fighting. We did not want to see her suffer any longer. By then she had lapsed into a coma, her urine output had all but stopped, and her skin was mottled very badly. She finally gave up the fight about 7 the evening of Easter Sunday.

Did we do the right thing? We may never know. But now you know why the simple words my mother said to me in a dream mean so much to me.
While we were out shopping for the clothing my mother would wear for the visitation, I found a plaque that I placed beside her in the casket. This is what it said:

Thank you so much for giving up part of your day to read this story. As painful as it was to tell, I knew I had to do it, for my own peace of mind.

'...Love is
patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres.
Love never fails...'
( ~ 1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8 ~)

GOD'S GARDEN

God looked around his wondrous garden and found an empty place. He then looked down upon the Earth and saw your tired face. He put his arms around you
and lifted you to rest. God's garden must be beautiful he always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering. He knew you were in pain. He knew you would never get well on this Earth again. He saw the road was getting rough, and the hills were hard to climb. So he closed your weary eyelids and whispered "Peace by thine." It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone, for part of us went with you the day God called you home.

~A LITTLE LIGHT~

In that dark lonesome place
between a dream dreamed
and a dream realized,
I have left a little light
for you so you will know
that someone cares and
believes in your dream.

Just where it becomes the
most dark and difficult to
find your way,
there is the light I left for you.

It will light your way
through the doubt,
the confusion,
and the fears.

It will stay with you
all the way
to the realization of
your dream.

And when your dream
has come true,
please go back to that
darkest place
where you have been,
and set the little light there
to give heart to the next
sweet soul that braves
the path to his or her dreams.
~Author Unknown~

THANKS MOM
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!

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for some of the graphics on this page.