My Penis Theory

Well, I have been thinking a lot lately.  Everyone on this planet wants my penis to some degree.  I am quite convinved.  See, a very small percentage of this planet's population wants my penis in the traditional manner.  I emphasize the small in that last statement.  Next, there is a large amount of people that want my penis to stay in my pants.  Let's examine that last.  A certain number of people WANT MY PENIS to stay in my pants.  See?  They still want my penis.  That largest percentage want my penis to be going away from them.  Again, they WANT MY PENIS.  So, I can walk around telling others that everyone wants my penis, and I am telling the truth. I can walk into the restaurant knowing that the waitress WANTS my penis, probably heading on a westbound train, but she WANTS it just the same.  Amazing how easy it is to rationalize things like this out.  In fact, you, reading this RIGHT NOW, you want my penis.  PERVERT!!!!!!

Selloutica

It all began as a simple adventure.  Napster and I were getting along fine.  Then came in a buncha guys who I USED to think of as cool.  Supposedly, I am violating copyright infringement.  Unkowingly, I assure you.  I may be strange but I certainly am no criminal.  Anyway, I have lost my access because of this band, who I will not name in the off chance that I will get sued.  Anyway, these guys used to be cool, make aggressive music, say things like "If you can't buy our latest album, go steal it!".  These guys used to ROCK.  Now, they are old and lame.  They make such pathetic music.  I know, they are making millions, but they SWORE they would never sell out.  Liars.  Hypocrits.  Bunch of money grubbing peons.  Anyway, it was inevitable.  Any aggressive band has something that is making them pi$$ed.  Usually it's a lack of money, or hatered for the system, something like that.  Once they start making money, they wan't to become the thing that for so long they hated.  Part of the machine.  They lose their edge.  They start making books about gay things like their hair stylist and their money making adventures and stuff.  Well, guys, you in my humble opinion SUCK!  I hate you.  I cannot even stomach to listen to early CD's now.  You have ruined them for me.  Enjoy my money.  I hope you choke on it, really I do.  I mean, christ, what happens if I tape something off the RADIO?!?!?  Is that next?  Pay subscriptions to the local FM station?  Jesus H. Christ.  I have lost faith in a lot of things, and I was hoping against hope that you guys would wake up and realize just how gay you have become, that I wouldn't have to lose faith in you.  Well, it is gone.  You are dead as far as I'm concerned.  Enjoy the start I and several fans like myself gave you.  You repay my loyalty with a stab in the back and a kick in the groin.  I don't have much to offer, but what I do have is off the table.  I will not buy ANYTHING else.  And by the way, you know those used CD places?  I hear they are selling stuff of yours.  Isn't that going to ruin you financially???  I hate you.

A Background On Me

It's simple, really.  I'm an a$$hole.  I hate.  Chances are, I hate you.  I hate most of the world.  Everyone running around acting like their problems are the biggest ones, even though 50-100 years from now noone will even remember who they were.  So I hate them.  I hate people who prove on a daily basis that they should have been drying on a sheet somewhere after a particularly disturbing wet dream involving an emu, two midgets, a chihuahua, a bearded lady, the Harlem Globetrotters and a wok.  Christ.  Some people are so stupid.  Ignorance can be corrected.  Stupidity can as well.  Ignorance through education, and stupidity through geneological cleansing.  I mean, there are people who if I was God, I would call them Noah.  Here, Noah, get away from the morons and the unclean and the ones over there with their genitals in a wok.  Run, Noah, because here comes the flood of flesh eating acid.  But, alas, I am a mere man, who must be content to hide behind a keyboard pecking out my aggression on some very ergonomically uncooperative keyboard, listening to the clock tick, wondering why.

Give Darwinism a Chance

Well.  We have all, each and every one of us, recieved one of those wonderful emails about the various hilarious warning labels on various products.  Has anyone thought to think that these labels come about by someone's actions?  Lawsuits?  Idiocy?  Well, it's all a big plot, and I am here to expose it.  It starts with the media.  There was a push some time back to let scientists, then engineers, then laborers run society.  The latest to let the bleeding heart sissy-lovers coddle those who would normally be extracted from the gene pool in some large yet comedic blast or some similar misfortune.  Or, as we like to sometimes say, a net gain.  That's how I see it.  Whoever doesn't realize coffee is hot, well, maybe they should be allowed to die.  We wouldn't be murderers, yet Operation Gene Pool Extraction would be continued.  It is the media's fault for bringing such a seedy, dirty glamor to the new craze of the lawsuit.  So now any moron, be it someone who can't spell his own name to someone who thinks staring into the barrell of a gun to see if it works is a good idea, gets the shit fired idea to sue someone.  I should be a judge.  Someone should appoint me Supreme Court Justice in cases of obvious Darwinism failing.  "Yer awner, Ah am sooin' fer a hunnert millyun dawlers dew to the fact that ah shot awf mah own sisterwahf's head becaws thar wuz no warnin' label about not pointin' loaded guns at people an' pullin' tha trigger."  "Well, Edge Johnston, you are a moron, and this court rules that you should crawl in the corner and die.  Plain and simple.  Die, court is adjourned."  See?  That would be so much simpler than seeing things like "This saw is not to be stopped with hands or genitals."  Isn't it?  So what if you know someone who happens to fit in this category.  If you truely love them, let them go die a lonely, quick yet painful death.  It's for the benefit of all mankind.  The average intelligence is down about 30 points over the last 15 years, and it's all because of these morons.  Now, my closing thought is this:  Think of the dumbest, ugliest person you know, and then think of the fact that out of maybe 6 million sperm, they were the best ones.  Imagine if one of the others had someone managed to make it.  Sheez.  

Pokey Man

Pokemon.  The mere mention of the word makes me shudder with an inner sickness and anger that is rivaled by few things.  I decided to see what the fuss was all about and checked out one of the shows.  Well, let's just say the the aliens are back to work on making our kids stupid.  These littles creatures can only say their name, or half of it.  That's their entire vocabulary, their name.  Wow, kids, it's okay to be a moron who can't speak intelligently, look at us, we only say Poopachew and Bulbascab and Herpeson and stuff like that.  We are the famed Poopeymon, and buy all of our stuff and run around acting like you will just DIE if you don't get the new Squattle card from Burger King, and run around fighting over stupid cards that are worth less than the paper I clean my rectum with.  Boy, do I hate Poopeymons.  And who names these things.  They have a buncha idiots naming these guys, that's who.  I mean, Hitmanlou.  What the heck is that?  At least give them cool names like Potosaur or Budweislee or Josemonlo.  Or Jackandcokeachu.  Christ, why not just come out and say, hey, kids, we have a show with a buncha noise and flashy screens and stuff that is so stupid and gay it makes anyone with a brain want to puke, but since you are the TV generation, we know you will be stupid enough to pay $50 for a stupid little card just because.  I wish I could move MY kids to Antarctica and teach them IMPORTANT things that they will use for the rest of their lives, like that big hooters are cool and No means No and make sure you have a lot of beer on hand in case of inclimate weather.  Oh, and the most important message I could ever teach them, that big hooters are cool.  For all you parents that are buying this stuff up for your kids, keep in mind that the gene pool is in for a Super Chlorination sometime soon, and it's morons like you who will be among the first to go.  Pokey Man.  Sheez.  What's next.  I wait with baited breath.  

Elmo, the Scourge of the Earth

Great.  That Impish little moron of Saysme Street fame is back again.  I thought he had gone the way of the Power Rangers and the Teletubbies and all those other toys and fads, but alas.  He is back in a moronic movie.  Obviously someone out there hates me.  I mean, come on.  Let me have some sort of pleasure from watching TV.  The little thing can't even speak intelligably, and has the most annoying voice known to man.  Well, except maybe my so called sister-in-law's voice, but that would still put Elmo as number two.  Anyway, he must be removed from my TV, in fact, we must all band together and lynch him and the creators of this latest fad.  Annoying.  I cannot stand him.  I hope whoever does his voice chokes on the puke that is welling up in my throat right now, just having to see the above picture.  I hope they finally realize what a waste their life actually is, and decide to give it all up and do something usefull, like make some money for me.  Elmo is evil.  Red, like a whore's color, and all those sharp hate filled teeth.  And the beedy little eyes, they simply OOZE evil.  Satan's latest work, Elmo Annoys Us All, will be opening soon.  Don't go see it, don't take our kids to see it, that is if you love them.  Anyway, I have to run, because I can no longer contain the bile and acid filled chunks that are about to spew.  I hate Elmo.

 I would like to take this moment to celebrate a victory.  It was through my hard work and determination that the Beanie Baby fad is now officially dead.  I really didn't do anything more than yell at people selling them on the side of the road, and harrass people that sold them, but hey, what do you expect?  I hate those things.  With a passion.  I am going to make a new toy called Hanky Toddlers, where I put some googly eyes on some different colored hankies and give them stupid names like Wax the Dolphin and Spank the Monkey, and sell them for ridiculous prices.  It is painfully obvious to me that there are plenty of people out there that have money that they no longer want.  If you are one of them, send me an email, and I will give you the address for my New Grounbreaking Company, the Hanky Toddlers.  Yes, you too can own a piece of American History Simply by sending me a lot of money for a stupid little fabric filled with some kinda crappy dried beans.  And if you hurry, you can get one WITHOUT nose goblins!

The following is one of the worst things about the internet.  Read it, and see if you, too don't want to puke your guts out.  This stuff is disgusting.  These little sappy happy crappy poems and chain letters and all that nonsense.  You know, the ones that claim if this doesn't tug your heart, then you have none.  Well, I have no heart, I guess, because those things are disgusting and stupid and the writers should all be rounded up and shot several times, and then burned, just to make sure the job got done right.  I hate this crap.  Anytime I stumble across one of these things, I scream.  So my wife sends them to me, in the guise of a joke, just because she sits JUST out of arm reach and laughs as I cuss and spit and holler.  I hate this kinda sappy emotional crap.  Who cares.  Great story, now go eat a bullet.  And please do the job right.  I hate this stuff.  HATE HATE HATE!!!!

"HOW MUCH DADDY?"

The man came home from work late again,tired and irritated,to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.  "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"  "Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man."  "Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"  "That's none of your business!  What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.   "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.  "If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."  "Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed.  Looking up, he said,  "Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"  The father was furious.  "If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games." The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.  After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00, and he really didn't ask for money very often.  The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep son?" he asked.   "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.   "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man. "It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."  The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled.   Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled bills.  The man, since the boy already had money, started to get angry again.  The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.  "Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled. "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy, I have $20.00 now.  Can I buy an hour of your time?"

Boy, do I hate people.  I mean, just people in general.  But to be more specific, I hate people who think their opinion is the only one, and all others are immaterial.  I do not like religions for this reason.  I mean, I have heard people telling others they are going to hell simply due to their religious preference.  But I digress.  JFK Jr is dead, and all these people that didn't even know him are mourning.  And all these stories on the news.  Who cares?  He's dead.  Get over it.  He won't come back.  Whining about it won't help.  And to the people who didn't even know him:"GET A LIFE!"  If you don't even know someone other than from a few photos or stories on TV, then get over it.  Get a grip.  Get a life.  I mean, come on.  Let's say it was revealed that he was secretly the Southside Strangler or some similar maniac, and he wore soiled undies on his head and like to sodomize flightless waterfowl, and liked to eat punkin squishy popsicles.  Would anyone mourn him then?  No.  So just pretend he did all of those things, and get over it.  Forget about it.  I dread hearing about the commemorative plate some yahoo is going to sell, or the stamp, or the special anniversary stories about how his family is dealing with tragedy.  They are so rich, they can clone his DNA and make another, or at least buy some happiness.  If they can't, give me about $1 mil, and I will SHOW them how to be happy.  Do they really need lessons?  

Okay.  Let's face facts.  I am an angry man.  I yell at the TV, I yell at movies.  I hate people on game shows for how they bet and how they smirk when they get something right and moan and whine when they get something wrong.  I hate that.  And I hate movers and midgets.  I hate a lot of things.  Chances are, I hate you who are reading this right now.  I mean, I yell at the Playstation.  I yell at the fridge for not being cold enough.  I yell at anything and everything.  Why?  Because if so many things make me miserable, why not spread the wealth and imbed the seed of hatred in everyone's mind.  Maybe then I won't see Skip the effeminite Jeaopardy contestant jumping and saying "Alexth" and clicking his teeth when he is wrong, because people won't act that way, because they know everyone hates them for it.  If you are ever on Jeaopardy, please for the love of God don't smirk, and bet like someone with some grain of common sense, not like an idiot.  I hate you, probably, so goodbye.

Just a side note here.  My kids got one of those stupid sweat socks with eyes (Beanie Babies) today at the local McDonald's.  It's name was Strut the Rooster.  Am I the only one who is reminded of things like wax the dolphin and spank the monkey???  TY's plot has changed.  He is trying to make our children go blind.  Yes, he is going to have kids everywhere Strutting the Rooster.  Evil, filthy bas@$%d.  I don't like it, not one iota.

Hanson : Agents of SATAN

MMM Bop, huh?  Three F'ing chords, huh?  No talent, no abilities, no redeeming qualaties of any kind.  Great, Hanson.  Here they come, agents of Satan, bent on the destruction of mankind.  How?  Well, simple.  By making songs with lyrics like "Mmmm Bop" they are teaching our kids to be mindless illiterate drones.  I mean, couldn't they think of SOMETHING to fill in the MMMM?  And bop, in and of itself a most violent word, bop.  Bop people in the head in the name of the Dark One???  Yes, if you ask Hanson.  I mean, teach kids to be mindless killers, that's what their plot is.  Painfully obvious to even the most casual, retarded observer.  Kids these days are growing more and more violent.  I believe that it has nothing at all to do with Manson and Tool and Korn.  They are pretty straight forward about what they mean and think.  They will come out and say they hate something and that's about it.  I can respect someone that can write a song about hating someone.  But Mmmm Bop?  Well, the slimey snakes.  They make the song (which consists of a whole strenuous three chords, I might add, that an untrained chimp could play, I add further) that sounds so happy and skippy and full of youthful energy, but is really a cry to the Dark Lord, telling kids "No need to think, words like Mmm will be just find, and Bop someone in the head while you say it!"  Yeah, those pukey little boys (or is it girls, I'm not quite sure) really get under my nerves.  I rank them up there with Ricky Martin (Livin' La Vida Faga), the former Soviet Union, and Fidel Castro as one of the all time evil entities of this latter half of the century.  Add in Hitler and Judas, and they are still in the top three of all time.  Evil, I tell you, pure evil.

The Latest Government Plot Against Us

This is the latest of my senseless babble about stuff that annoys me.  And the little things pictured above annoy me to no end.  I mean, they are teaching kids that it's okay to act like a complete moron and run around wearing stupid stuff.  Christ, they can't even speak.  They skip around and hop adn jump and babble and say Oooka Looka Ina Booka and stuff.  The purple one, well, he's allegedly gay.  They are all overweight freaks.  A guy with a huge gut like that is called obese, or a woman is at least about eight months pregnant with a belly like that, but these things are "sooooo cool."  They aren't.  They are stupid.  The government, in it's usual lack of educational awareness, does nothing to prevent these things from teaching our kids to be fat, gay, skipping, babbling, drooling morons.  I mean, look at it.  The government for YEARS has been focusing on educational advances, and yet our kids get dumber and dumber.  Why?  Because they allow these little skipping fluffs to invade our homes daily, spreading their idiocy like a plague.  I mean, they are like a black hole of knowledge.  I saw one on TV the other day, and forgot my name.  They are in it with the TV manufacturers, I swear.  They have a special intelligence soaking ray that sucks out children's brain power like a vacuum.  And if you notice, they sure do look a lot like aliens you see in the papers in line at the Food Lion while being tailed by midgets waiting in line to buy your Chesy Puffs and Dr. Pepper.  So, one can reasonably assume that not only is the government in on it, but the aliens as well.  Such blatant display of a conspiracy is very daring, and shows that I have been reaching people, since the government and aliens (which I will now refer to as Space Travelers Undermining Logic Through Subliminal advertising <SLUTS>) are getting desperate to take control quickly, before people can unite and overthrow the alien regime that is making puppets of our leaders.  Anyway, I hate those stupid Telebubbas, and I hope they burst into flames one day on their show, and I would laugh until my stomach burst if they did.  They are simply another in a long line of attempts by the government to force us into poverty and make us a submissive species to the attacks fo the alien race.  Anyone remember tickle me Elmo???  Sure, people were paying ungodly amounts of money for those things, but now you couldn't give them away with free beer.  Furbies?  They were the ones the government tried to use to fordce suicide upon all adults due to the non stop babble they made, but they are also a thing of the past.  So, if you see a Telebubba, be sure to at least give it a good swift kick, if not torch it on sight.  The future of all mankind depends upon it.

Beanie Baby freaks

Great, Beanie Babies.  I go to McDonald's because me and my wife are too lazy to cook, and there they are.  The freaks.  "I want the FooFoo Beanie Baby, I want ten of them."  I just want a happy meal and some fries and stuff.  I don't want to wait on these weirdos to buy about 2000 little stuffed bean bags.  Why are they so appealing?  WHY?!?!?!  So I can't go to McDonald's without at least a guaranteed 2 hour wait for a happy meal.  Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick.  So this gives me PLENTY of time to formulate a theory, and to come here and sit and bi*#h about it.  Beanie Baby.  Look at these things.  Little animals that don't even look like animals stuffed with little beans, a little tiny bean bag.  Yay.  What's the big deal?  I think it's another alien plot.  Yep.  The aliens have decided to once again give us a "gift" that is guaranteed to divide us, split us apart, and it's working.  I saw a Judge Judy where one person was claiming something was fake, and the other person said it wasn't, and they BOTH had books to back up their claim.  Obviously an alien plot.  And they are in it with the government, because if they weren't then there would be some sort of legislation against this moronic fad.  The aliens have been behind them all.  Hoola hoops, pet rocks, lava lamps (this is an especially twisted gift that mesmerizes even the most sober person), leisure suits, and now this!  Hopefully mankind will be able to oversome this plot as well, and SOON!.  Then maybe I can go to get a cheeseburger without some freak that just can't live without Ribbit or something stupid like that taking up my valuable time inspecting the aformentioned Ribbit through the bag like they are going to find a gold nugget or a diamond or the secret of life.  "I don't like this one, one of it's eyes doesn't move as much as it should."  "You CAN'T be sold out of Ribbit!"  People will drive cross country to find that one stinking McD's out in the middle of nowhere that still has a stupid Ribbit.  Sheez.  Can't believe that people get so excited and pay so much for some stupid piece of cloth stuffed with little styrofoam beanies.  I mean, hey, if you wanna blow $2000 on something, I'll stuff some clolth with little beans, give ME that money, I'll put it to good use.  Like buy another computer so I can play hockey while my wife plays with her web page.  There are actually people who computerize their Beanie Baby collection.  This is the stupidest fad I think I've ever heard of, and I can't wait for it to end.  Now I must go and take some sinus medication so I can work on a certain Manifesto before some certain friend of my wife's writes one.  HAHAHA!  Down with Beanie Babies, and I think if people want to burn anything like books or anything, they should pile all of these little pieces of crap and burn THEM!  It is just so annoying and stupid.  I've heard of collecting things, but stuffed cloth?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Anyone who disagrees is obviously selling out to the alien overlords and should NOT attempt contact with me, as I will turn you in to the FBI's special UFO division.  I have that number memorized, seeing how there are aliens everywhere.

Why I HATE driving!

You've all been stuck behind the guy that insists on driving the exact same speed as the truck blocking the OTHER lane, and you are in a hurry.  Yeah, the peon that refusees to speed up or slow down or do ANYTHING other than sit in your way.  Well, those people really annoy me.  And the person who comes speeding up behind you, like 15 mph over the speed limit isn't fast enough, falshing his/her lights and expecting you to just hop over.  I mean, hey, give me a break.  Imagine the death toll if that guy got behind the guy who does 15 mph BELOW the speed limit.  Ugly things would happen.  I mean, don't get me wrong here.  I'm not saying the highways and speed limits and traffic patterns and all of that should revolve around me, but whatever happened to a little courtesy here and there.  If I'm REALLY in that guys way, I pull over.  If I am speeding up on someone, I do the natural American thing and slow down and wait patiently, cursing his name under my breath until he finally moves out of my way.  And stop lights, Lord do I hate stop lights.  They ALWAYS seem to know I'm coming.  Ya know?  It's like, "Here he comes, and BOY does he have to get through this light to go pee!  Watch!  RED!!!!"  And it is green for like 3 stupid seconds and then red.  And heaven forbid I get behind more than two cars, or I am guaranteed to sit through at least 2 lights.  It's like people sit there and whine and complain for the light to turn green, and when it does, tehy are so overwhelmed by the fact that whining worked that they sit and stare.  JUST DRIVE!  Oh, and rubberneckers.  They just HAVE to see what's going on.  I spent half an hour in 25 mph traffic on the interstate once because everyone had to slow down and gawk at the abandoned car that just happened to have it's flashers on.  And tunnels.  It's like people are afraid they are going to cave in on them.  Naturally, they slow down.  That makes no sense.  If I were afraid the tunnel was going to cave in, I'd speed UP!!!  Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo Stick!  WHY????  Anyway, drive safe, and NEVER drink and drive.  And take that thing out of your mouth.  You don't know where it's been!

The Midget Manifesto

Toss that Midget! Check out this guys web site by clicking the pic!

This all started one night while in a drunken stupor, I realized that midgets had no useful purpose whatsoever. None. Besides the fact that they appear in the occasional movie, or the occasional tossing display, or the occasional freak show, they do NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING! Before I continue, I am sure there are a lot of you who are going to be of the opinion that “midgets are people too” and that “they have rights”, so I will take this opportunity to express how completely FALSE those sort of statements are. Sure, they may LOOK like people, and act like people, but they are NOT people. They are, in fact, just another of the world's many attempts to pi$$ me off.  The world won't allow me to create my lifelong dream, a Midget Ranch, so why should I not hate them?  I am here to lobby for my midget Ranch.  We breed these midgets, and start training them to do useful things.  Anyway, once we have all of these docile creatures running around, what do we do with them? Well, they could be the next great world asset, rivaling gold, silver, oil, and lumber. I mean, think about it. Seeing Eye Midgets. Kinda has a ring to it, a special sort of oomph. Or how about Wall Cleaners. They can hit the short parts easy, and they are easily stackable for the high parts. Or have you ever drop something in a sewer grate? If you had your own pet midget, just lower him in and have him get it. Ball stuck under the car? Sore back and can’t reach that last beer in the bottom back of the fridge? Knee brace and can’t pick up your keys? MIDGETS! Yes, this evil alien race CAN be overcome, and put to good use. I was going to keep this to myself, in fact was advised by MANY to do just that (these are the same ones that are CONVINCED I need mental help of some sort), but I figured it was best to get the word out, because knowledge is power.

Written by Roger Whitehead, May 11, 1999.  Don't steal my stuff, man.

My Ramblings about Mountain Dew Men

All of you know these people.  They have a story of something they've done that tops your story, no matter how unbelievable.  "Oh yeah?  Well one time I had sex with five women, a chicken, a tiller, two bulls, an iguana, and Batgirl."  Yeah, those kinda guys.  So you listen to them and believe nothing they say.  I have fun with them.  Ya know, like make up a story just to see if they can top it.  Like, tell them I jumped off a cliff and landed in three feet of water, just to see them top it.  I call these people Mountain Dew Men.  They are annoying, simplistic, and above all crave the attention of whatever audience they can corner in the office.  I suppose you could also, in the interest of political correctness, have Mountain Dew Women, but I argue that women tend to be more honest in their stories, sometimes BRUTALLY honest.  

And then, along comes the worst of them.  The DIET Mountain Dew Man.  He must have a billion friends who have done a billion things better than you could ever have dreampt of.  Or, one REALLY multi-talented individual is running around there right now, doing God knows what to give someone a story to tell.  I doubt that.  The stories all start the same: "This friend of mine, me and him were out drinking and driving the car around 180 mph, and we drove into a lake.  We musta held our breath for at least 30 minutes..."  This is usually when I throw out the obvious questions like "What friends?  Noone likes you, much less would be caught in public with you in their car, liquor or no liquor!" And the obvious questions like "It is medically impossible to hold one's breath that long without passing out." "If anyone drank 8 fifths of tequila in an hour they would die." " Oh, so you had sex with Cyndi Lauper?  Really?  Where's she from?"  

This of course leads to corrections like "well, it SEEMED like 30 minutes" or "Cyndi Lauper?  Oh, I meant Cyndi Labowskawicz, the crippled chick I managed to get a kiss from when I blocked her wheelchair with bricks."  I am no fun to these guys.  Anyway, to try to find a point to this rambling (there usually never is), don't put up with these people.  They are uncleansed heathen praying on your boredom and your complete inability to be rude, even to save yourself from the famed "Well, one time I/this friend of mine..." stories.  Question them.  Harrass them.  Tease them.  They will enjoy whatever attention they can get, because they are pathetic, lonely, sad people.  So don't look at it as being rude, you are helping to build their character.  That MUST be a good reason, that's why so many parents use that excuse.  

Pure Anger Web Ring

| Ring Homepage | Next | Previous | Random | List |

This Happy Ring site is owned by Samhaingrm. Want to join the Happy Ring? [Prev] [Next] [Random] [Next 5] [List Sites]

Email the Mind Behind the Theories!

|Samhaingrm's Home Page||Samhaingrm's Music Page||Celts and Supernatural Links|