Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong,
but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have
been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony,
and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally
I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes,
stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I
had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over
the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved,
when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could
until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on
my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the
bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process
was repeated.
Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
The Pretzel Hold
It was the final match of the State High School Wrestling Championships.
The coach hurries into the locker room and runs up to his top wrestler,
"Dave, You're up next and I'm afraid they've matched you up against Jones
from Hamiton High. He spent last summer in Asia and has mastered something
called THE PRETZEL HOLD. The other coaches tell me there is no way out of
it and it is the most painful hold in the sport. So, whatever you do, don't
let Jones get you in the pretzel hold."
Of course, five minutes into the match Jones has Dave in the pretzel hold.
The only sound that could be heard was the agonizing screams from Dave
as his pain threshold was about to go beyond his endurance. The coach
is dismayed and drops his head into his hands as he realizes his dream of a
State Championship crushed.
Suddenly, there is a loud din of cheers from the crowd and as the coach
looks up, not only is Tom out of the pretzel hold but the referee is holding
his arm up in victory! The coach, rubbing his eyes in disbelief hurries
to his champion and as soon as he gets Dave into the locker room asks,
"How did you get out of the pretzel hold...nobody has ever escaped it."
"Well, coach. I was twisted into a pretzel. Every bone was on the verge
of snapping. I could hear crackling sounds throughout my body. The pain
was more than I could take. I opened my eyes and through my tears all I
could see was the crotch of a pair of wrestling togs. Coach, I opened my
mouth and bit just a hard as I could. And, Coach, you have no idea the
strength you suddenly have as when you bite into your own crotch!"
Subject: Engineers vs Scientists
Three scientists and three engineers were all taking the train to Chicago for a conference on high
tech laser applications. The scientists each bought a ticket but the engineers only bought one ticket
among them. "You three can't all ride the train with one ticket!" the scientists exclaimed. "Sure we
can" replied the engineers, "watch and learn, watch and learn." Upon boarding the train, each
scientist took a seat while the three engineers crowded into a single restroom. The condutor came
down the aisle and puched each ticket. When he reached the restroom the conductor knocked on
the door, ticket please." A single ticket emerged from the slightly opened door and was duly
punched. After the conductor moved on, the three engineers emerged from the restroom and took
their seats.
On the return trip, the scientists only bought one ticket among them. The engineers boarded the
train without a single ticket. "You can't ride the train without a ticket, you need at least one ticket.
You guys invented it for crying out loud!" insisted the scientists. "Sure we can" replied the engineers,
"watch and learn, watch and learn." Upon boarding the train, the engineers all crowded into one
restroom and the scientists into another. Once the scientists had closed their door one of the
engineers left the other restroom and knocked on the scientists' door. "Ticket please."
Subject: Urine sample
Ok, this real famous tennis player walks into the doctors office and says , "I need to see the
doctor." The nurse tells him to go pee in the cup. He asks her why. She says, "Don't ask questions
sir, just pee in the cup please." So the doctor comes out in about 5 minutes and says, "Let's set up
an appointment for Thursday about your Tennis Elbow." He looks confused. "How did you know I
had Tennis Elbow?" he asks. Oh well we have this new machine that tests your urine sample and
tells us what is wrong with you. So he goes home.
It gets closer and closer time for him to go to the doctor. He starts thinking about that urine machine
and decides to play a game with the doctors. He has his wife piss in the cup, then he has his
daughter piss in the cup, then he jacks off in the cup. On his way to the car, he notices it is leaking
oil. So he puts some of that in, and mixes it all together.
He gets to the doctor. The nurse tells him to pee in the cup. Well he goes over to the cup, but he
replaces it with his own.
The doctor comes out in a few minutes and says, "Ok smartass. Your daugter is pregnant, your
wife has VD, your car is about to blow a rod, and if you don't stop jacking off your Tennis Elbow
isn't going to get any better.
There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you
a bettin' man?"
The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet
you $50 that I can lick my right eye."
The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and
pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man
his $50 telling him to leave his bar.
A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said,
"Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender replied, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS
a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."
Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes
so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked
them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his
bar.
A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and
said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender said, although with a little caution this
time, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "Give me a shot
of whiskey." The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the
bar he said, "I'll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that
glass right where it lays and not miss a drop."
Well, the bartender's eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win!
"Agreed!" he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man's bar stool and spun
it as hard as he could.
Well, the man just let loose and piss flew EVERYPLACE! Not so much as one drop even came
close to the glass and the bartender was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing
and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the
bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, "Why did you bet me
$500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn't any
possible way to do it??"
The man just smiled and told him, "You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the
corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!"
