the Best (and Worst) of Masonic Humor

The ultimate in "inside jokes"; Masonic Humor........

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $500 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received $250 from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A Lodge in New York City used to meet in a hotel; and the room they used was relatively close to the front lobby. One night a guest was checking in, and happened to glance in the direction of where the properly tyled meeting was being held. "Whats going on over there?", the man asked the desk clerk. The clerk told him it was a meeting of the Masons. "The Masons.... Isn't that the group that's so hard to get into?", he asked. "Hard to get into?.. the desk clerk replied... "You see that guy over there? He's been banging on that door off and on for an hour now.. hell, he's even got a sword, and they won't let HIM in!"

A man was due to be hanged for a horrible murder that he had committed. As he ascended the scaffold, the hangman asked him if he had anything to say. The man began: " This is the Masons' fault.... I HATE Masons! The man I killed was a Mason. The judge and the jury that convicted me were all Masons. Even the jailer was a Mason. I Hate Masons! That's all I have to say..... you can go ahead and hang me now." The hangman smiled gently and said: "Before we do that, you must suffer yourself once more to be hoodwinked...... "

Pat and Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go the the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass the Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, "Pssst Pat!" Pat looked around but saw nothing, A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly "Pat!... its me, Bill!" "Bill", exclaimed Pat, "are you in Heaven?" "Indeed I am", said Bill. Pat paused for awhile to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. there are Lodges all over and they are very beautiful and ornate. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "My goodness, Bill", said Pat, 'It certainly sounds very impressive. It seems, though, my good friend, you look rather sad. Tell me what is the matter." "Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." "OK, What's the good news?" "The good news is that we are doing a 3rd Degree this coming Wednesday." "Great", said Pat. "What's the bad news then?" "You're scheduled to sit as Senior Deacon!"

A candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill, his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew he had come on his own free wheel and a cord?

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for you 2nd?" they ask. He replied, "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"

A fellow went for an interview for a job. Knowing that the Boss was a prominent Mason he decided to use his position as a newly raised MM to see if it would help him get the job. Off he went with Masonic ring, cufflinks, and S&C tie to the interview. He stood erect and took three steps forward to shake hands with the prospective boss. All though the interview he dropped into the conversation as many references to masonry that he could. At the end the Boss said, "So, if I offer you this position, what do you expect as a package?" The chap thought that his luck was on, and so he said, "A $350,000 per annum and six weeks holiday." To which the boss replied, "We will halve it, and you begin!"

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the soccer field he is passing. "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I asked in what way? She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong. No, was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow Mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason's apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the lectures, and will always prompt you when you get stuck", "No", he said "too expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the lectures, but will always prompt you when you learning it", "no, too much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for $10.00", "why so cheap, does he know all the ritual and the lectures?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there, shakes its head, and clucks his tongue."

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost. A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

A Mason who was working up through the line of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said, "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you? I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said, "So do I dear, we swap them for a new one every year!!"

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did. When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters.