Chalkboard quotes - downloadable text file containing all opening chalkboard lines

"Here lies... Walt Whitman.  Aaargh!  Damn you Walt Whitman!  I... hate... you... Walt...
freakin... Whitman, leaves of grass my ass!"
Homer Simpson

to alchohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems
-- Homer

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears
smell like dog food.  So you can either sit there crying and
eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell
enough like dog food to make your dog come back -- or you can
go out there and find your dog.
-- Homer

Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I
never had any goldfish?  Then why did I have the bowl Bart?  Why did I
have the bowl?-- Milhouse, "The Canine Mutiny"

Don't worry, Homer.  Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.
   -- God, ``Homer the Heretic''

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.   -- Homer Simpson, ``Homer the Heretic''

Lisa:  Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart.  If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.
   -- Always have a backup plan, ``Homer the Heretic''

And what if we picked the wrong religion?  Every week, we're just making
God madder and madder!   -- Homer, ``Homer the Heretic''

I used to rock and roll all night and party every day.  Then it was
every other day.  Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in
which to get funky.
-- Homer J. Simpson

When will I learn?
The answers to life's problems aren't at
the bottom of a bottle! They're on TV!
- Homer Simpson

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a qtip.
-Homer

"It takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen."
                                     -Homer J. Simpson

In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
                                     -Homer J. Simpson

"If you don't like your job, you don't strike.  You just go in every
 day and do it really half-assed.  That's the American way."
                                     -Homer J. Simpson

Mr. Burns: "I specificly said no geeks."
Milhouse: "but my mom says i'm cool."

"It's ok kids, you tried your best and you failed.  The lession is:  never try."
--Homer  J. Simpson

"That's it Lisa.  Why compete with someone who is just going to kick your butt anyway"
--bart

"(in spanish a accent) In america, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women"
--Homer J. Simpson

"ouh I bet my wookie... My cat's breath smells like cat food"
--Ralphy Wigum

You can't seriously want to ban alcohol.  It tastes
great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a
person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
--mayor quimby

"God has no place within these walls (school), just like facts have no place within
organized religion!"
- Superintendent Chalmers

Lisa: "It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
Homer's Brain: "Uh-oh what did that mean. Better say something or they'll think you're stupid."
Homer: "Takes one to know one!"
Homer's Brain: "Swish!"
- Conversation around the TV

"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to YOU!"
--grandpa

"How can you say anything bad about TV, Marge? It gives so much and asks so little."
- Homer

"Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics.  I wish I'd
read that book by that wheelchair guy."
-Homer

"Ah, the miracle mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and
there's not a single church or library to offend the eye."
   - Homer Simpson

(watching bible epic noah's arc)
Bart-Wow! God is so in you face.
Homer-Yea, he's my favorite fictional character.

Lisa:  The second amendment is just a remanant from revolutionary periods, it has no real meaning today
Homer:  You couldnt be more wrong Lisa.  If I didn't have this gun the King of England could just come in here and start pushing you around.  Do you want that, well do ya.

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to
learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
  - Homer Jay Simpson

"Ok brain let's get things straight.  You don't like me, and i don't like you, so let's do this so i can go back to killing you with beer."
 - Homer

Marge: "Homer, you dont' think what we're doing is wrong do you?"
Homer: "Honey, i don't think anything i've ever done is wrong."

"But Marge, maybe for once someone would have called me sir without adding your making a scene"
-Homer

milhouse:"why don't we put it on the internet"
Bart:"no, we need to reach people who's opinion's realy matter"

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kidswith fake
IDs."
-homer

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life ifyou had
an electrified fooling machine."
-Homer

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you
through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh,good idea,boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
-Homer

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
-Homer

"If it's in a book it has to be true"
-milhouse

Bart: "no offense homer your half-assed under parenting was a whole lot better than your half-assed over parenting"
Homer: "oooh but i was useing my whole ass"

"I hope i didn't brain my damage"
-Homer

"I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a
cold, indifferent sun."
-Homer

"I've said it before, and i'll say it again democracy simply doesn't work."
-Kent Brockman

"Just because i don't care doesn't mean I don't understand"
-Homer

"trying is the first step toward failure."
Homer

"Now I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!"
-Homer Simpson

"I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
 -Homer Simpson

Little Vickey:  "I'm sorry Lisa but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what class?"
Class:  "Communism"

"ralph what is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery."
-chief wiggum

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer"
-Homer