June 25, 1999 --- I have put off writing this because I was trying to process all that happened that day at Blondies. In truth, I am still am. While I was there, I was overwhelmed with this sense of irony, loss, and yes, even hope. Who knew that skipping my nap all those years ago would have lead me here, down this path that ended, not in the Secret Garden, not at a faded finish line, but in a Manhattan bar surrounded by strangers turned friends in front of whom I cried, with whom I hugged, and to whom I ultimately said goodbye.

I arrived after watching a week’s worth of episodes, armed with my special rock with the word “strength” engraved, and enough money to buy a gin and tonic. You had to descend a few steps to enter the bar/restaurant; the right side and back curtained-off room was reserved for AW fans. At the check-in desk, fans were given their names tags, a magnet with AW cast pictures and old and new AW logos, a ticket for a door prize (a bag of AW memorabilia like a Donna Love for Mayor button, Grant Harrison flag etc.) and a chance to buy raffle tickets for other prizes (autographed copies of the final script, 30th anniversary script and other things I don’t remember).

When I walked in I was greeted by Taylor Stanley who gave me the flyer of AW cruise. We spoke briefly and I told her about the memorial fund/bench in Central Park. She hugged me and said, “You don’t know how much that means to us.”

The room consisted of a long table with a large screen television at the head, booths surrounding the table, and tons of televisions fastened high on the walls. All but one was playing ABC. There were about 100 fans there and scores of journalists—New York Times, CNN, NPR, Washington Post, New York Post, New York One, Soap Digest, several independent documentary filmmakers and WNBC. A group of fans booed the NBC group who shot back “It’s not our fault.”

Truly a surprise to us all, many of the cast and crew came. Stephen Schnetzer, Lisa Peluso, Judi Evans Luciano and her son, Joe Barbara, Jonathan Sharp, Linda Dano, Ellen Wheeler (who stopped by everyone’s table to shake hands), Taylor Stanley, Alicia Wills, Michael Roderick, David Andrew MacDonald, and Spencer Trent Clark. Alice Barrett-Mitchell called from CA twice to say how much she wanted to be there and talked with her fellow cast members. Chris Goutman called as well—three times I believe. He tried to come but taping at ATWT ran over…Leah Lamain was there along with Shawn Dudley, Scott Collishaw, Carol Shure, Lynne (from Wardrobe) and many others who I was not able to meet. Christine Jones (who played Janice Frame) read about it in the New York Times and stopped by.

The cast and crew watched the episode in the back room while fans (and all the press) were out front, fan’s eyes fixed upwards, journalism lenses focused on us. We cheered and clapped after the opening and at the close of each segment. We booed at the Passions commercial and many (well, most of us) cried and passed around the tissue boxes that were on each table.

After the show was over (and IMO an era), the cast and crew gathered in front of the large screen television and said a few words. SS spoke first and said how this was his family and how the cancellation had pushed them to other paths. Since their last day was May 25, he said that they were, in some ways, a month ahead of us in the grieving process. He thanked the fans for fighting. LP spoke next and echoed many of SS’s thoughts and again thanked the fans for their loyalty and support. One of them said that they wanted happy endings for us too.

Then LD came on stage and said that she wasn’t a month ahead of us; she was with us. She was having a very hard time letting go. The new place was nice but it wasn’t home. She didn’t watch the last episode and instead taped it. She is inviting Stephen and others over to watch.

Then they left the mini-stage, the televisions switched to another station and it was… At that point, some fans ran back to work, hoping they wouldn’t have to explain their long lunch. Many others talked with the cast and crew. One of the wonderful things about their presence was that they all had so much respect for each other and for the fans. All the ones with whom I spoke acted as if they understood our love for AW and proud that they had such great fans.

I spoke first with Leah Lamain who right before was having a long talk with SS. She was saying how much she supported him, thought he was fabulous but couldn’t make any guarantees. They both looked very pensive, he more so. After their talk, SS seemed…well, seemed very preoccupied and sad.

Why I had been waiting for them was that I wanted her signature. I brought to party the first thing I ever set to AW, a script I had written when I was twelve. It is so faded and creased and has those old computer perforations that used to hold the paper in place. I wrote a scene for Vicky, Jamie, Lisa, Felicia, Mac and Rachel—my version of Vicky’s announcement to the world that she was pregnant with Jamie’s baby. I gave it to Lamain to sign.

LL had much praise for CG and said how she was looking forward to her new job as Head Writer as ATWT. I put in a small plug for Kim Rhodes and said how talented she was. Lamain said that she was fabulous.

Then I spoke with SS. I told him about the bench etc. and he said that it has been very hard to move on to ATWT and part of his heart will always be in Bay City. I said, (without thinking) “Oh Stephen, you are such an inspiration.” His eyes softened and he smiled.

I then spoke with LD who was quite moved with the whole day. She signed my script too and said she remembers those days well. I told her I will never forget and she let out a tear-filled sigh and hugged me.

I then saw Spencer Clark Trent eating lunch and told him how talented I thought he was and couldn’t wait to see him in his movie (Arlington Road). I then explained how, when I was his age, I wrote a script about his character and sent it to the show. He signed, we talked awhile longer—he has the most twinkly eyes I have ever seen.

People stayed for hours…fans and cast, many just sitting at the bar, telling stories. To me, so much of that day, while not a happy ending, showed me the amazing feat that AW had accomplished. Unassumingly, without typhoons, flying beds, clones, and only one 200-year-old man, AW captured the heart of all who it touched.

Up until that day, I hated NBC and P&G. What jerks, I would say. But that day so much of the sadness I felt was for them, for their inability to let live a thing that was loved. It is they, TBTB, who have lost. We have memories and friendships and pride in a job well done, and they have a daytime lineup that keeps falling in the ratings. While I would choose AW on my screen any day over reliving old memories, at least I can say that I have known something great. Sassa and Lee destroyed; we have built—friendships, connections, a deeper appreciation, an Internet coalition.

I haven’t tuned into NBC since that day nor bought a P&G product. Still out of anger, but more out of dismissal. To me, why bother with a network that can’t -- or should I say refuses -- to see beyond the moment and their end-of-the-year bonuses. I have wondered, however, what NBC said about that day. I hear from a friend that the party was hardly mentioned and the news segment ended with a push for Passions. I guess some networks, like people, never learn.

Melissa Scardaville