Relationship Equality Wheel

Defining Healthy Relationships

A Strong Woman is Someone Who:

• Is willing and able to make decisions about her activities, her future, and her family.
• Speaks her mind in a relationship.
• Refuses to do things that are uncomfortable.
• Expects people to treat her with respect and affection even when they are angry or disappointed.
• Expects equal relationships where partners take turns giving and getting from each other.
• Expects that any and all sexual behavior is consensual.
• Knows that destructive relationships hurt her self-esteem and mental and physical well-being.
• Knows that any violence is unacceptable.

A Strong Man is Someone Who:

• Respects others and doesn't try to control them.
• Participates in discussions and negotiations and does not feel threatened when his partner voices opinions that are different from his own.
• Compromises and realizes that he doesn't lose power or status is his way isn't followed.
• Doesn't resort to threats, insults or violence to get his way.
• Knows that "no" means no and doesn't force sexual contact.
• Can confront feelings of anger and frustration without taking them out on someone else.
• Recognizes that he may be physically stronger than others, but doesn't use that strength to hurt.
• Accepts an equal share of the responsibility needed to keep a relationship healthy.
• Knows that any violence is unacceptable.

Source: A Parent's Handbook: How to Talk to Your Children About Developing Healthy Relationships, a publication of LizClaiborne Women's Work.

Your Dating Rights

• I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty.
• I have the right to ask for a date without being "crushed" if the answer is "no".
• I have the right to choose to go somewhere alone without having to pair up with someone.
• I have the right not to be "macho" or "seductive".
• I have the right to say "no" to physical closeness.
• I have the right to say, "I want to get to know you better before I become more involved."
• I have the right to say,"I don't want to be in this relationship anymore."
• I have the right to an equal relationship.
• I have the right not to be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally.
• I have the right to change my goals whenever I want.

Source: Family Violence Network Dating Violence Program

You also have the rights...

• To express your opinions and have them respected.
• To have your needs be just as important as your partner's needs.
• To grow as an individual, in your own way, at your own pace.
• To change your mind at any time.
• Not take responsibility for your partner's behavior.
• Not to be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.
• To break up and fall out of love with someone and not be threatened.
• I have the right to an equal relationship.
• You always have the right to be safe.

Source: Clark, V.D. & Clark, D.O. "What You Should Know About Relationship Violence", Texas A&M University.

What Love Is, What Love Isn't

Source: Preventing Teen Dating Violence, The Dating Violence Intervention Project, Cambridge, MA.

6 Keys to Healthy Communication

1. Make Some Rules Before Having a Difficult Conversation:

• No physical contact unless one of asks for it ("Will you hold my hand as we talk?").
• No raising of voices. That won't help either of you get your points across.
• Pick a neutral setting to minimize power differences.
• Agree to take a "time out" or continue on another day if the conversation gets too difficult.



2. Practice Active Listening:

• Start by making eye contact; this lets the other person "see" that you are listening.
• Use techniques such as head nods or brief verbal affirmations to let the other person know that you have heard and understood.
• Try hard not to interrupt the other person when s/he is speaking.



3. Use "I" Statements:

• Try hard, especially when in an argument, to begin your sentences with "I..."
• Statements beginning with "You," like, "You make me so mad..." or "You are always..." put the other person on the defensive, and do not encourage healthly communication.
• Start with how you feel ("I feel angry") and the add the reason ("when you [describe the problem], because..."). You will still get your point across, but in a less threatening manner.



4. Take Turns Talking:

• Everyone needs, and deserves, a chance to speak.
• "Speaking Stick": Pick any object together and allow only the person who is holding it to speak. When that person is done speaking, s/he passes the object to the next person, and that person talks. At the end of the conversation, decide together what to do with the object.



5. Learn About the Other Person's Point of View:

• Everyone is different; we each think differently, and we each have different perceptions, experiences, and goals. How does the other person see/understand the situation?
• Strive to find out about these differences with your conversation partner(s).
• Agree to disagree. Maybe you can't see eye-to-eye all of the time. That's okay.



6. Use Non-Verbal Communication:

• Most communication between people is non-verbal. That means that body language speaks louder than words. Try to have your body language match your verbal messages.

Four Things You Really Need to Know When You Might Be in an Abusive Relationship

You are not alone.

Our society often glorifies violence (in movies, TV, books), but looks the other way when people we know become victims of violence or abuse, especially victims of interpersonal or sexual violence. Many people are so ashamed of being battered or otherwise abused that they will not tell even their closest friends what is happening to them. Abusive people oftem isolate victims, or threaten harm if anyone is told. It is easy to think that you are the only person in an abusive relationship. But there are many among us who are dealing with abuse.

The abuse is not your fault.

Everyone's heard the phrases, "You made me do it," or "You pressed my buttons," or "You need to learn who's boss." All too often an abuser will blame the victims for the abuse. The guilt trips and blame placed on victims of abuse are a tremendous burden, and cause low self-esteem and poor self-image (after all, if someone puts you down all the time, you may start to believe it). Abusers are always responsible for their decisions and actions. Abuse is never the victim's fault.

If it feels scary, it's abuse.

If someone touches you in a personal way that feels scary or bad or wrong to you, then it's abuse. If someone tries to make you do something you don't feel comfortable doing, even after you say so, then it's abuse. If someone tells you that you're stupid or childish or worthless because you won't do something they wants you to do, then it's abuse. Abuse is always about the other person's need to control you. You have the right not to be abused.

Get some help and support for yourself.

Let's face it, there's a lot of pressure on each of us to be in a relationship. We socialize together in groups, and hang out in couples, and sometimes we put pressure on other people or on ourselves to be in a relationship...as though we aren't okay if we're single. That's wrong.

Abusive relationships are not healthy. They stress us out. They take our energies away from ourselves and other people who we love. If you think you might be abused, talk about it with someone you trust - a family member, a friend - or call Sojourner House (658-4334 or 765-3232, 24 hours per day - free) to speak with someone confidentially. You're worth it!

Adapted From: Preventing Teen Dating Violence, The Dating Violence Intervention Project, Cambridge, MA.

What is Consent?

• Consent is based on choice.
• Consent is active, not passive.
• Consent is possible only when there is equal power between the person who asks for it and the person who gives it.
• Giving in because of fear or embarrassment is not consent.
• You always have the right to say "no" and you always have the right to have your answer respected and accepted.
• If you say "yes" and then change your mind and say so, you have removed your consent. You have the right to change your mind.
• Deception or manipulation eliminates the possibility of consent.
• If you can't say "no" comfortably, then "yes" has no meaning.
• If you are unwilling to accept "no," then "yes" has no meaning.
• Consent means to give your permission by saying "yes."
• Giggling, changing the subject, or squirming away does not communicate a "yes" or a "no," and is not consent.
• To give your permission, you must be able to say "yes" or "no" without pressure.
• If someone gets you to do something through lying or coercion, you did not give consent, because that person tricked you.

This Page Adapted from SafePlace Teen Center.