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Murphy's Laws of Combat
Proper Uniform
Not everyone can be a Marine...
General
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Lieutenant Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding B.B.
Walks on water in indoor swimmimg pools.
Talks with God if special request chit is approved.
Major
Barely clears quonset huts.
Loses tug of war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Captain
Makes high marks when trying to leap building.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.
First Lieutenant
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is NOT issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of Mae West.
Talks to walls.
Second Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says: "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
Sergeant (any)
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance. BECAUSE...
HE IS GOD!!!
1. Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
2. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
3. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
4. The problem with taking the easy way out, is that the enemy has already mined it.
5. The buddy system is essential to your survival.
It gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
6. Never draw fire -- it irritates everyone around you.
7. No combat ready unit ever passed an inspection.
8. No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
9. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
10. Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.
11. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
12. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds,
or all five second fuses will burn out in three.
13. If it flies, it dies.
14. Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
15. Peace is our profession -- mass murder's just a hobby.
16. Killing for peace if like whoring for virginity.
17. There's always a way.
18. It's not the one with your name on it -- it's the round addressed
"to whom it may concern" ya gotta think about.
19. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs,
you may have misjudged the situation.
20. If two things are required to make something work,
they will never be shipped together.
21. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
22. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
23. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
24. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
25. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
26. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
27. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
28. You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
A Marine General was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."
The General's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The General was acquitted.
NOT EVERONE CAN BE A MARINE!
AND SOME PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE!
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