Dear Junior,

Ewe know how 'tis round here this time o' year.  Daddy's gone off killin' hogs...course,
as ewe know we only have one hog now, an' he is Daddyz drinkin' buddy, so I reckon Daddy
iz killin' somebody elses' hogs...I do hope he don't git caught.  

I got all my shoppin' dun up t' th' Emporium thar in Paradise. 
They has decorated up real nice thar...they is a tree in th' town squar what is all lit up.  
Looks t'me like might be a thousand fireflies on that tree...sometimes they burn steady an'
sometimes they do odd things like flickerin' on an' off in patterns.  I asked how in 
tarnashion they got them fireflies t' sit still on them branches, much less live through
the winter...an' I gather they have em all sewed in a strand like popcorn an' has a 'lectric 
wire run t' each...seems awful mean thang t' do at Christmas, don't it?  I told Otis about it, 
an' he figures we might ought t' go up thar late of a night an' set them rascals free. 
  
But back to th' holiday preperashunz. Daddy promised t' bring home a ham, Otis iz tryin' t 
run down the old Tom turkey out in the chicken yard, but th' old tom is a bit spry, er else it 
is jest plain smarter  than  ol' Otis. If'n he don't catch that bird rite soon, all th' good 
eatin' will be run of'n th' blamed thang.  I told Otis t' get a net...an' th' rascal pulled 
th' one ofF'n th' basketball rim down t' th' elementary school. I can't wait t' see him try 
t' use it.  Well, b'lieve it er not, it worked!!  Th' net wuz a chain net, an' it knocked th' 
tom cold an' almost wrung it's neck at th' same time!!!  Makes life easier fer me.  Eloise iz 
comin' fer dinner (Daddy better bring home more than one hog), Clem an' his wife n' boy is 
comin' (Daddy n' Clem done made up fer nearly 2 months since Daddy hotfooted that thar revenuer
away 'er he found Clem's still!!) an' I 'spect th' sherrif 'll show up t' check that Daddy 
is whar he iz s'posed t' be...as ewe know Daddy tends t' be trouble 'round th' holidays.  

Last year Daddy stole th' lambs from th' live manger scene from in front o' the courthouse!!!  
He told 'em he weren't goin' t' keep 'em, he jest wanted t' chat 'em up a bit.  This didn'a do 
anythin' fer th' Sheriff's mood...he locked Daddy up in th' cell, an' th' sheep up in t' next 
cell, both t' protect 'em from Daddy, an' t' hold them as evidence.  Daddy got t' chat up th' 
sheep, but could'na touch a one.  Well finally th 'Reverend came an' asked fer his sheep back, 
so's they could have them fer th' manger scene, an' also allowed that as it wuz Christmas, th' 
Sheriff ort t' let Daddy go, seein' as it was th' Reverend's sheep, an' he couldn'a press 
charges nigh Christmas.  This really made th' Sheriff mad, but he allowed it 'twern't as bad 
as th' time Daddy set th' church afire with his built in still, nor th' time Daddy  got run 
out o' Paradise fer tryin' t' pry up a bunch o' cobblestones, t' see if'n they wuz made o' gold,
nor th' time he put moonshine in th' baptismal font, er th' time he waz feudin' wif Deacon 
Barnes an' he let loose a whole raft o' goats jest as th' deacon started talkin' bout seperatin'
sheep from goats(that was a good one)...anyhow they let him go that time, but we had t' keep him
chained t' th' dining room table fer th' rest o' Christmas week.  I got awful mad at him cause 
he almost chewed through th' table leg, an' I had t' get Otis t' make a new one...too bad he 
used Clem's wife's pegleg...it was a nice table leg...but she was right put out, an' needless 
t' say, hoppin' mad!!!!  O my, here comes Daddy runnin' like an old horse wif a burr up his 
tail, an' I see why, Eloise is right behind him.  Fer such a big girl she can move faster 
than anythin' ewe can imagine.  Daddy looks right scared...Otis says he shot at  Clem's hogs 
up in' th' woods rootin' around an' Eloise wuz up thar rootin' around wif 'em an' he hit her...
well, ewe know that made Eloise madder than a wet hen, tho' it probly didn'a hurt her much.  
Anyhow, I gotta go an' see if'n I ken keep her from hurtin' Daddy.  I jest baked some cookies, 
an' twothree dozen might take a bit o' th' sting out of th' indignity fer her...an' might jest
save Daddy fer yet another Christmas.

Yore Brother,
Delmar


PS: Merry Christmas, if'n ewe cain't gett back up here fer Christmas...
Daddy says he'll send ewe some fatback, if'n I unchain him from th' table leg...fat chance!!

Return to Anthrax County