Thomas Fronczak LICSW, ACSW
and Vicki Jo Campanaro-Cummings, MS, Ed.
The issue of being a gay/bisexual parent is more prevalent than one may imagine. There are an estimated one million gay fathers currently living in the United States and Canada. (Barret and Robinson, Gay Fathers, 1990). The numbers are most likely even higher as this is a topic that is highly emotionally charged and in many circles taboo to discuss. Social pressures often keeping this issue sworn to secrecy affect not only the gay/bi parent, but also the spouse and children. The sense of isolation can be overwhelming at times. For simplicity in writing I will use the word "gay" though I ask the reader to be aware that "bisexual" is another valid and very real orientation, that some of these men do use to self-identify.
These men and/or women often feel as a minority within a minority as they walk the line between and including both the heterosexual and homosexual world. There is often a sense of not fitting into either world which adds to the sense of aloneness. It is with great effort, significant pain, and steadfast courage that these men and women come forth with their authentic identity to challenge the narrow definition of sexuality and parenting that our culture dictates. The task is to create an identity which integrates both of their worlds. This cannot be done without support along the way.
One third of the people I see in my private therapy practice are gay/bisexual fathers, often still married by choice, or in the process of separation/divorce. I facilitate a Gay Father's Support Group which meets twice a month in an effort to support these men in their creation of an identity called "Gay Father". They have truly been my teachers over the years about what courage and the importance of self emergence is in relation to developing a healthy sense of self esteem and quality of life.
Gay dads go through various stages in their coming out process that are similar and yet different than their gay counterparts who have not been married or have children. The effects of their coming out are felt by not only by the gay father, but also by his wife, children, parents, friends relatives and single and perhaps interested homosexual friends. Not one gay dad I have worked with has not been aware of the difficulty of his coming out on the entire family. The pain they can feel in the process can, and has been for many, among the worst they have experienced in their lives. The difficulty in many instances is that the gay father still loves his wife, and the sense of dedication to his children cannot be understated. The thought of separation and not seeing the children daily tears at their hearts. The process these men go through and the paradox of loss and a sense of rebirth at each stage cannot be underestimated.
The sense of rebirth at being able to live one's live authentically is best described by Peter, in the following: "I have known I was gay from the age of 9. Thirty-five years later after a marriage of 10 years, one of the ways I have been able to deal with who I am today is with a group of gay fathers. Both of my children accept me in their own ways. My second coming out has been a positive experience. The Church I belong to has accepted who I am and I still teach Sunday school there. People at work who know have been very supportive. However, my greatest support comes from the joy, support, and sharing of the Gay Father's Support Group facilitated by Tom Fronczak. For the first time in my life I have a place where I can say what I really feel knowing that someone will understand with a complete sense of trust that what is said goes no further. I have been truly heard and many times receive excellent advice. These are Dads who really care about their children and are still trying to discover a way of living today and not denying the fact that they are gay. This has many forms, non of which are better or worse, only what is right for each individual. It is this forum that I am using to help my integrate my public and private lives so that I don't disappear in a subculture but can see myself as an example of what it means to be an older gay man in today's society."
Another dad who chooses to be called Chuck Wagon offers the following: "This group is often referred to as a therapy group, but therapy to me often implies disease. I prefer to call it my regeneration group. I need regeneration because out of the fear of being unacceptable I have lived someone else's dream and forgotten who I am and what my dreams are. In this group I listen with an open heart, and as I love and help others in the group/community, I love, help, and heal myself which is the regeneration I need to find out who I am and what my dreams are. So I have come out of isolation and into the light of the group, and I am beginning to feel the regeneration."
Bob, yet another father shares his thoughts on the sense of isolation he felt prior to his coming out: "The bee costumed girl in Blind Melon's video is sad and alone. She is an outcast because she is different. Finally she discovers a whole field of people in bee costumes dancing and celebrating. At last, she fits. A group of people just like her!! That's how I feel about the gay father's therapy group".
To come out is no easy process. One cannot do such work in isolation. Support is needed of a trusted friend, family member, or professional (in either individual or group therapy). As with anyone coming out the fear of disapproval and exclusion is no different for the gay dads than anyone else. I remind the fathers of what an example they offer to their children when they do come out to them. The example being that despite fear, they take action to let others know who they are and live life as genuine as possible, which I believe is our task in life. Certainly their children will have differences among their peers, and in relationship as they mature, so the example has been set to proudly and without apology be yourself despite the pressures to conform. This is an especially important lesson for children, particularly adolescents who face such peer pressure.
One of the questions I am regularly faced with is the effects of a parents homo/bisexual orientation on their children. A recent study published by the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry reported that children of lesbian parents are no more likely to suffer from psychological disturbances or problems with their own sexual orientation than are children of heterosexual parents. The children were comfortable with their mother's sexual orientations and with their family dynamics and felt uncomfortable only when they talked to others about their lesbian moms. Other studies with gay fathers have shown that as long as dad is present in his children's life, the children feel loved, and there is consistency in parenting and family routines/rituals (holidays, vacations, visitation etc.), the children adjust just fine. Support is also important for the children.
With great confidence I collaborate in this work with my colleague Vicki Jo Campanaro-Cummings who facilitates the support group for the wives of these men in Rochester, NY. Vicki Jo shares her experience in the following.
"In the past nine years I have had the wonderful opportunity to work with fifty-six women who have experienced a very unique slice of life. I run a support group for wives of gay men. This group was requested by Charlie Piersol whom many in the Rochester gay community know as a leader in helping to open the door to healthy expression of one's sexual orientation. Charlie was the originator of the Gay Married Men's Support Group. He was wise enough to understand that the wives of these men would need a place to express their feelings about this issue. Charlie approached me with his idea and the Rochester wives's group was started in 1989. Since Charlie's retirement and subsequent death a few months ago, these groups continue to provide a place for gay married men and their wives to go.
It is my experience that many wives of gay men tend to try to cope alone and are unsure where to go for the sympathy and support they need. It is my hope that this group provides an atmosphere of confidentiality, validation of feelings, constructive problem solving strategies, guidance and resolution of issues in a positive direction. The group consists of four to ten members at any given time. Meetings are held every other week for two hours. The emphasis is on respect for individual circumstances, understanding, and compassion. A vital component is helping to rid the system of isolation and helplessness.
Many of the women have recognized that there are stages of grieving and healing that occur for them. I have identified the stages as: Stage One: Pre-Disclosure or Period of Discontent. This stage usually starts with identification by husband or wife that something is wrong. There is a tendency toward reduced intimacy, fear, and denial. There is confusion over the origin of the discontent. Stage Two: Disclosure or Re-Disclosure. The issue of gayness is identified for the first time or re-identified as a serious area of concern. Feelings of shock, anger, guilt, blame, denial and isolation occur. Stage Three: Trial Accommodation and Questioning. The couple tries to make sense of the issue and maintain their couple-ness. The wife exhibits empathy mixed with anger for her spouse. Questions surface such as: Why is he gay?, When did it start?, Was it something I did?, Can I fix this? There is often hope for a magic cure. Issues of love, trust, honesty and spiritual beliefs begin to emerge. Stage Four: Awareness. There is awareness of one's own feelings apart from the spouse. The wife has alternate feelings of disillusionment and hope. Symptoms of depression and heightened anxiety occur. This is often the stage where the wife seeks help. The issues of fidelity, monogamy and safe sex are confronted. If children are involved, decisions around disclosure are discussed. Stage Five: Renegotiating the relationship. Decisions are made about which direction the relationship should take. Options are discussed such as separation, divorce, mediation, couple's counseling or staying together but redefining the relationship. The support system is enlarged as the couple reaches out and discloses the issue of homosexuality or bisexuality to more people. Stage Six: Acceptance. A better understanding about the complicated issue starts to occur. The wife reevaluates her own identity and becomes more autonomous. Often this is accompanied by fear of moving on and the realization that the relationship will forever be changed. This is a stage of great growth. Stage Seven: Exploration and Detachment. For those who stay married: The couple creates new goals. They are learning to cope with a newly defined relationship. Open communication is essential. Each individually gains more independence. The couple begins to build trust and commits to moving forward. For those who leave the marriage: The couple moves onto their separate lives. If children are involved, boundaries and rules are negotiated. The wife defines new goals. Often careers are expanded. Education is pursued, culminating in an expanded vision of herself. Although somewhat fearful, the wife eventually considers dating. Stage Eight: Resolution: Both parties get on with their lives, establishing healthy boundaries and a mutual respect.
These stages are often not in the exact order or sequence. They can last for differing amounts of time depending on the individual, the couple, and other life experiences. Grieving occurs in all stages - greater in the beginning and more tolerable in the end.
Hopefully with more public exposure this very painful and difficult issue will receive some critical attention. There is no escaping the great struggle that occurs when a couple confronts homosexuality/bisexuality together. However the closet that both were in can be a far more debilitating place. The following are some actual accounts from women in my group regarding their experiences.
A wife in Stage four shares the following. "I am in a very difficult situation. I believe that my husband is gay but he denies it and completely avoids discussing the problem. It's hard for me because I know what the truth is but I can't force him to admit it. It's like there is this wall between us that may never be broken down. I know he is upset about all of this and is trying to deal with these issues (I think), but he doesn't communicate with me. We have separated and I think that there is much less tension between us now. It's too easy to just not talk about it and go about our business. I don't think that we will resolve these issues until he comes to terms with himself. That may never happen and I have to accept that this is the way it is".
Another wife shares what she titles excerpts from letters written to my gay husband, but never sent. "Thanksgiving 1995: You've been gone almost two weeks. It's been six weeks since you told me you didn't want to make love to me anymore. The rejection was awful. It was the final blow... After years of counseling and therapy, I was sure the only way you'd leave is if you found someone else... I've done nothing but cry every day since. I have never been in such pain in my entire life. My heart hurts because it is broken. How will I ever be able to heal my broken heart?...The end of our married life is so profoundly sad and I tell myself that you can never love me in ways I need and deserve to be loved".
A wife at Stage eight shares: "What could I possibly do with the rest of my life? That's how I felt when my husband of 32 years suddenly announced that he had to have a separation. It was another seven months before he even told me why. I thought I would absolutely die. Married was the only way to live-- I didn't even believe in divorce. I had never known anyone else in this situation. It couldn't possibly happen to me!" "Counseling, a wonderful support group, prayer, reading positive literature and listening to tapes, a loving family -- these are the things that got me through it. You have to go through that pain. There's no way around it. It was five years before I was ready for divorce, and I insisted on joint counseling before and after." "It's been ten years since the big revelation. Today I have a good life. I'm happy and confident with my family, my job, and even my relationship with my former spouse. Surprisingly, I think maybe we like each other better than we did when we lived together. He's here for holidays and birthdays, we spend parts of vacations together, he's very supportive if I have a special need. We talk over any important decisions either of us has to make. We're still family".
At woman at the later stages of acceptance says "my ex- is being kind and even helpful to me. His lover is very cordial and pleasant. He is really a nice man and has been a good addition to my ex-husbands life. They seem happy."
The process is a long one, and not without pain and loss for all involved. For the men the paradox is the fine line between experiencing the loss as well as the rebirth of living a life authentically and in harmony with one's true self. For both spouses the stages of loss parallel the stages of empowerment. Each partner has a future, and a life that is reorganized over time, in a way that acknowledges the needs and sense of self of all involved. Support is vital to the process.
Below are some contact numbers
Thomas Fronczak, LICSW, ACSW - Gay Fathers Support Group, Providence RI, USA (Also provide, individual and couple therapy) (401) 431-2953. E-mail here.
Cindy Doyle, MA - Straight Spouse Support Group, Providence RI, USA (401) 351-8232.
Vicki Jo Campanaro-Cummings MS, Ed. - Support group for the Wives of Gay Men - Rochester, NY (716) 325-4090
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