T 'n' T's Port Charles Top Ten Lists

April 28th 1997
Top Ten Reasons We're Looking Forward to Port Charles
10) Some cool new sets
9) Jagger top ten lists
8) Lucy's choices so entertaining; Shifty Shyster or Psycho Shrink
7) Drooling at the thought of slapping our FPC on whatever character
turns out to be the most unpopular
6) Not wasting enough video tape now
5) Can't wait to start that "Send in a Watermelon Campaign" to force
them to put Scotty Baldwin and Rhonda Wexler together
4) Nikolas might decide to give his Uncle the brush-off and enroll
in Medical School
3) Two and a half Bobbie-free hours a week
2) Heard they'll be giving away "free stuff"
And the number one reason we're looking forward to "Port Charles"
1) All the rubbish in half the time

May 31st 1997
Scotty's Top Ten Dangerous Proclivities
10) Sleeping with Tracy Quartermaine
9) Taking Serena to have her hair done by Pepe
8) Getting between Lucy and a loaf of french bread
7) Eating out-dated yogurt
6) Telling Lee he's given up being a lawyer
5) Getting himself mixed up with the character on Star Trek
4) Trying to resurrect Dom with questionable black magic practices
3) Putting foil in the microwave
2) Teasing Canadian Mounties
And Scotty's number one Dangerous proclivity:
1) Returning to Port Charles

June 2nd 1997
Top Ten Things You Should Do If Your Affiliate Is Not Carrying Port Charles
10) Spend that half hour on Community service
9) Start a "Martha Stewart: Devil Worshipper" rumor
8) Eat Chocolate
7) Hold a group of interns hostage
6) Whine to Lynelle and she'll "take care" of them
5) Buy a satellite dish and a descrambler
4) Call them up and tell them you know Commissioner Scorpio, personally
3) Start a "send creamed spinach to your station" campaign
2) Watch GH and ER at the same time and you'll get the basic idea
And the number one thing you should do if your affiliate is not carrying Port Charles:
1) Move

June 4th 1997
Top Ten Things Port Charles Has More Of
10) More celebrity look-a-likes
9) More Satin sheets
8) More vacuous young people
7) More Sigmund... we hope
6) More continuity problems
5) More bad attitudes
4) More Mac Scorpio than your average GH episode
3) More badly read clever dialogue
2) More fake blood
And the number one thing Port Charles Has More Of:
1) More Power Tools

June 10th 1997
Top Ten Reasons Stefan fired Kevin
10) Because he didn't go to Arizona and help pick out software with Bobbie
9) Repeated humming of Que Sera Sera
8) Whenever Stefan started with one of his boring lectures Kevin would get that slightly psycho look in his eyes
7) Unscheduled trips to England and France
6) Kevin unable to stop chuckling whenever Stefan said "alas"
5) Juggling the faberge eggs
4) Kevin insisted on calling the ferry to spoon island "that little rowboat"
3) Stefan allergic to ducks
2) Mrs. Lansbury tired of fighting the attraction
And the number one reason Stefan fired Kevin:
1) Internet bills went sky-high

June 14th 1997
Top Ten Reasons We Like Chris
10) Very polite compared to that Jake character
9) Looks a lot like Montgomery Clift
8) Good at repartee with Eve
7) Kinda cute in that little white Doctor's coat
6) Because sometimes we have him mixed up with Frank
5) He almost had Cooper talked out of it
4) He reads Agatha Christie
3) The line "I can't wait until I'm a surgeon and the patients are anesthestized"
2) Might keep Julie away from Frank
And the number one reason we like Chris:
1) Nobody else does

"Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I think I'm gonna eat some worms." -- Dr. Chris Ramsey M.D.

June 14th 1997
Top Ten Problems Julie and Eve Might Have Sharing An Apartment
10) Eve plans to get a pet lawyer
9) Bound to cause a local toothpaste shortage
8) Julie does indeed spontaneously sing "My Favorite Things" at odd times
7) Eve not a baseball fan
6) Julie plans to get a pet paramedic
5) Eve hoping for intelligent conversation
4) Julie's a teetotaler and Eve likes to knock back a few brews
3) Constant complaint "She's on my side!"
2) Joe and Frank will expect them to do all the Housework
("Kitchen privileges" is a euphemism)
And the number one problem Julie and Eve might have sharing an apartment:
1) Chris bound to get them mixed up

June 22nd 1997
Top Ten Similarities Between Port Charles and Carbonated Beverages
10) It can be really sweet, a little too sweet
9) It was a little over hyped to start with
8) The pause that refreshes
7) 0 Calories
6) Good for cleaning off car batteries
5) Probably were narcotics involved in it's origin
4) Causes odd behavior in lab rats
3) Tastes great, less filling (oops. That's a beer isn't it.)
2) Not available in all markets
And the number one similarity between Port Charles and Carbonated Beverages
1) Bubbles

June 27th 1997
Top Ten Storylines Port Charles Should Use
10) The young interns go out and buy a van, call it "the mystery machine", get a great dane and go out and solve mysteries
9) Lucy's psychic powers allow PCPD to solve a crime for the first time in it's history
8) The Stanton family reunion
7) Mad Cow Disease Epidemic
6) Matt and Dr. Burgess, begin a secret, passsionate affair
5) Victor Collins invents formula that makes time travel possible. Kevin and Lucy go back in time and meet Catacomb Charlie
4) Frank murders Julie and buries her body under the boiler. Eve suspects, but no one believes her
3) Jake concocts potion to make himself more gregarious. It backfires, and he changes back and forth between his normal self and a Broadway Chorus Boy
2) Invent computer virus that gives everyone cash and lingerie. (Oops, already being done on GH)
And the number one storyline Port Charles should use:
1) Alien abduction

"Well, I know you're going to Alpha Centauri but can you just let me off here at the hospital?" -- Danielle Ashley

July 4th 1997
Top Ten Signs That Scotty Is An Idiot
10) Escapes from the hospital after major surgery
9) Still waiting for Karen to cash her check
8) Doesn't take advantage of a willing fainting girl in his arms
7) Leaves Kevin and Lucy's phone number to receive private messages
6) Thinks Canadian Mounties are his private police force; disappointed they couldn't come to Port Charles
5) Thinks you can buy steak in the hospital cafeteria
4) Wasting a perfectly good daughter
3) Scott doesn't even use his directional gyro
2) It's flowers and candy not pizza and marked cash
And the number one sign Scott is an idiot:
1) Does not recognize Kevin as a superior being

July 12th 1997
Top Ten Things Mary Should Know About Mike
10) Still thinks horse races aren't rigged
9) Changes careers every five years
8) Son's significant-other, Brenda, a holy terror
7) Name not legally changed to Corbin
6) Hasn't made love to a woman since he got to Port Chuck. May have forgotten
5) Favorite Disney Movie: Lady and The Tramp
4) Their names alliterate.. it could lead to supercoupledom
3) It's a Corinthos tradition to keep the women out of the kitchen
2) Wants to be just like Mel Gibson
And the number one thing Mary should know about Mike:
1) No storyline

August 31st 1997
Danielle's Top Ten Duties at Jax Cosmetics
10) Sharpening Pencils
9) Staring blankly into space in an effort to appear troubled
8) Making sure the Port Charles Grille delivers a regular supply of munchies to Lucy's office
7) Administrative Assistant in Charge of Whining
6) Not touching the breakables
5) Schedule Brenda appearance, cancel Brenda appearance
Schedule Brenda appearance, cancel Brenda appearance
Schedule Brenda appearance, cancel Brenda appearance...
4) Making Don's life a living hell
3) Personally testing possibly toxic cosmetics
2) Ransacking Lucy's desk
And Danielle's number one duty at Jax Cosmetics:
1) Doorstop

9/13/97
Joe's Top Ten Justifications For Wanting To Sleep Wih A Married Woman
10) Red-hair a tremendous turn on
9) She's good at helping him with his homework
8) Knows Nurse Grace is just too darned good for him
7) He needs guidance
6) He loves his Mother; and Mom was married
5) Frank too busy with Julie right now to advise him otherwise
4) In love with Karen in the fifth-grade; nothing much has changed for him since then
3) Mutual abiding passion for pineapple on pizza
2) Skipped that particular Commandment in Sunday School
And the number one justification for wanting to sleep with a married woman:
1) Raging hormones

9/13/97
Top Ten Reasons Jake Fell For Danielle
10) No taste
9) He's a masochist
8) She's a masochist
7) She claimed she was going to be the new Snapple spokesperson
6) Good candidate for possible DNA manipulation
5) Ice Cream a big turn-on
4) Not looking for intellectual companionship
3) Lip fetish
2) Close as he could come to a Polish girl
And the number one reason Jake fell for Danielle:
1) Sex

9/13/97
Rex's Top Ten Secrets
10) Adores Green Acres
9) Killed the family dog
8) Fellow mercenary of Mac Scorpio, under the name Butch
7) Avery isn't the only one who slept with the family cook
6) Enjoys a budweiser every once in a while
5) Planning to murder Danielle next time she doesn't get a literary reference
4) Just joined MHGC Scotty
3) Thinking of renaming Serenity, Perdition
2) Spent a few years in a European Sanitarium
And Rex's number one secret:
1) He's either Carly's father or Bobbie's Daughter

"Hey Carly, I'm your long lost father. You wanna pretend you're Serena's mother?" -- Rex

October 31st 1997
Top Ten Things Both Chris AND Frank find Scary
10) Dinner special at The Recovery Room
9) Another "Before Women Had Wings" promo
8) Jake volunteering to work in the hospital cafeteria
7) Eve, before she has her morning coffee
6) Joe with a medical degree and a tool belt
5) Seemingly dying in a fiery plane crash, but actually surviving for three years with amnesia, only to recover and return to your true love only to find she is about to be married to a guy whose name is a natural phenomenon like River or Granite or some such thing and that she also, inexplicably, has a seven year old child you fathered, and then it turns out her best friend is your long lost sister, Ashara, renamed Polly by her rich adoptive parents who taught her everything she needs to know to take over as head of the mob, and to cure your prostate cancer.
4) Julie using the word "committment"
3) Audrey's hair
2) The latest ratings
And the number one thing both Chris AND Frank find Scary:
1) Birthdays

The only thing we have in common is shaving. -- Frank
Speak for yourself -- Chris

March 22nd 1998
Top Ten Things Victor Can Do Around The Lighthouse
10) Critique Kevin's paintings
9) Insist on using Serena's canopy bed
8) Break cappucino machine within an hour of arrival
7) Make Kevin redecorate... with no blue
6) Feed Sigmund
5) Prepare Duck A L'Orange
4) Work on time travel formula
3) Prepare Kevin's tax return (What's 10% of zero)
2) Watch Soaps
And the number one thing Victor can do around the Lighthouse:
1) Drool

March 30th 1998
Top Ten Things Chris Would Do For The Quartermaine Fellowship
10) Sell Girl Scout Cookies
9) Ruin Julie's perm
8) Do a Chippendale's Dance at the Nurses' Ball
7) Sleep with Dr. Monica Quartermaine
6) Sleep with any Quartermaine
5) Give up Sex
4) Expose Jake's penchant for jail bait
3) Risk being in the same lab with Karen and Joe
2) Date Amy Vining
And the number one thing Chris would do for the Quartermaine Fellowship:
1) Cover up big secret that his dad is Burt "Mr. Big" Ramsey

June 1st 1998
Top Ten Good things That Happened This Year In Port Charles
10) Fred the Ferret underwent a miraculous recovery
9) Justus made a hefty profit selling the Firehouse to Scott
8) Joe in a Tarzan costume
7) Sigmund became a father
6) Frank's personality transplant successful
5) Forest Hills burned down
4) Chris smiled 198 times
3) Lucy that much closer to catching up to Bobbie Spencer's marriage record
2) Danielle killed off almost right away
And the number one good thing that happened this year in Port Charles:
1) Kevin wrote a book

June 8th 1998
Top Ten Things Frank Wants To Do That Julie Doesn't
10) Adopt Lark
9) Bungee Jump
8) Watch all four Psycho movies in one sitting
7) Breaking and entering
6) Attend Monster Truck Rally
5) Slap Courtney around
4) Hug Joe
3) Do a Chippendale's dance at the Nurses' Ball
2) Write a fake letter and sign it Cooper
And number one thing Frank wants to do that that Julie doesn't:
1) Laundry

June 8th 1998
Top Ten Things Garcia Found In The Lighthouse
10) The broken pieces of the Cappucino machine under the sink
9) Suspicious herbs in Lucy's medicine cabinet
8) Five Breadmakers
7) Fifteen videotapes full of Days of Our Lives
6) A stack of Bennett Devlin's mail
5) A year's supply of Akavit
4) Notes for Kevin's next novel "Murder at the PCPD"
3) Case of San Sebastien Wine in the cellar
2) A closet full of Victor's god-awful sweaters
And the number one thing Garcia found in the Lighthouse"
1) An elephant

"There's an elephant in the room with us. Pretending he isn't there, doesn't make him go away." -- Garcia

June 8th 1998
Top Ten Reasons Hospital Volunteers Disappear
10) Lured away by free donut offer at Mercy
9) Human experimentation in the labs
8) Dr. Tony Jones on another kidnapping spree
7) Don't want to be roped into the Nurses' Ball by Lucy
6) Monica Quartermaine getting rid of everyone her husband claims has a crush on him
5) Volunteers don't have to stick around when people start getting killed
4) Frank going through them like popcorn
3) They're all in the break room avoiding Julie while she's in one of her "moods"
2) They're up in Jake's apartment
And the number one reason Hospital Volunteers disappear:
1) Cafeteria corn dogs

June 8th 1998
Mac's Top Ten Conclusions About The General Homicide Murders
10) Katherine's murder is more important
9) Littering in the park is more important
8) I'm pretty sure I didn't do it
7) Let Garcia handle it
6) I'd like a pizza with pepperoni and anchovies
5) I'm glad I don't work at the hospital
4) Well, we've never solved a murder before, why solve this one?
3) Hold the anchovies
2) Ryan could have done it
And Mac's number one conclusion about the General Homicide Murders:
1) Hey, some people are dead

"This doesn't mean I'm going to have to do any work, does it, mate?" -- Commissioner Mac Scorpio

June 15th 1998
Top Ten Storylines Port Charles Might Use - This Coming Year
10) Lucy and Kevin have Twins (Devon and Brian)
9) Karen and Joe break up. Karen and Joe get back together, Karen and Joe break up, Karen and Joe get back together...
8) A Character currently on the canvas is revealed to be Gay
7) Mac and Felicia come over to Port Charles and have more of a storyline there then they have on GH in three years
6) Chris will find a new partner in crime... Courtney
5) Eve and Scott will be extremely happy and dull for six months
4) Joe and Frank's black sheep Uncle (played by Larry Poindexter) arrives in town to cause more trouble for the Scanlons
3) Sigmund demonstrates his psychic abilities by fingering (webbing?) the real killer
2) Lucy's romance novel comes out and everyone in town begins imitating their characters by sleeping with each other
And the number one Storyline Port Charles Might Use - This Coming Year:
1) Zombie Jake

June 21st 1998
Joe's Top Ten Tips For Not Getting Involved
10) Make it clear your libido comes first
9) Call in sick a lot
8) Publicy threaten everyone
7) Look really cute
6) When someone asks you about DL56, tell them you were just feeding the rats
5) Ask direct questions
4) End all opinions with "hey, but it's none of my business"
3) Forget who you were mad at yesterday
2) "Accidentally" leave your pager at work
And Joe's number one tip for not getting involved
1) Hide behind Karen

"If we stay home from the ball and have sex, neither of us will get killed." -- Doctor Joe

June 21st 1998
Julie's Top Ten Tips On Being A Murder Suspect
10) Whine incessantly
9) Threaten to kill your boyfriend's foster child
8) Steal your housemate's address book
7) Get a good lawyer
6) Fire him when he conceals evidence that could clear you
5) Get plenty of fiber
4) Use lots and lots of mousse
3) Have extra custom made pens handy
2) Whenever there's the slightest evidence, sreech "He/she did it! He/she killed my father!"
And Julie's number one tip on being a murder suspect:
1) Antagonize the authorities

June 23rd 1998
Top Ten Reasons We'll Miss Jake
10) No one to cover for Joe when he calls in sick
9) His death will really upset Kevin
8) No more reminders of Danielle
7) Won't get to see his landlady Mrs. Greenlee anymore
6) This means Karen's not going to get killed
5) Less beefcake to go around
4) Wanted him to genetically prove that Courtney was Neil's father
3) That adorable scowl
2) No one to hold Victor down when they give him the shots
And the number one reason we'll miss Jake:
1) We've always missed Jake

"Who is Neil's father? Is it Joe? Is it Frank? Is it Officer Barbrady?" -- Announcer

January 24th 1999
Top Ten Things Julie Thinks About In Jail
10) Where is Mom?
9) Why didn't I kill Lark when I had the chance?
8) Hair Care Products
7) Will my kid be as stupid as Frank?
6) Garcia in just a towel
5) Does anyone really worry about that Hippocratic Oath stuff anymore
4) Lice
3) How many other women was Frank sleeping with?
2) Still need a new fountain pen
And the number one thing Julie thinks about:
1) The twelve bodies buried in the cellar

February 1st 1999
Lark's Top Ten Responsibilities as The Newest Scanlon
10) Brushing up on her juggling act for next Thanksgiving
9) All the cooking
8) Babysit Neil while Courtney is sleeping around
7) Taking out the garbage
6) Interviewing prospective new tenants for the basement
5) Help Joe spell the hard words
4) Keeping track of what everyone is addicted to
3) Getting Julie's hair out of all the drains in the house
2) Keeping the backburner warm
And Lark's number one responsibility as The Newest Scanlon
1) Posting Bail

"No there aren't any bodies under the boiler. Please step this way and have a look at the bathroom." -- Lark Madison Scanlon

February 2nd 1999
Top Ten Bad Things About Being Frank Scanlon
10) Everyone pronounces your middle name incorrectly
9) Random drug tests
8) You have to sleep with Courtney
7) Favorite restaurant owner died and it's partly your fault
6) Your girlfriend is a serial killer
5) You've been abusing a drug for months, you finally stop and NOW you get fired
4) Your brother is an idiot
3) Your brother's fianc�e is looking better and better
2) You don't think you can drink beer anymore (Irish tragedy)
And the number one bad thing about being Frank Scanlon:
1) Frequently outwitted by inanimate objects

June 27th 2000
Top Ten Reasons Kevin and Eve Will Never Last
10) Being that dull is too stressful
9) She forgot to tell him about that other really big secret in her past
8) Constant struggle for remote control
7) Handsome Dr. Ian sparking like crazy with Eve
6) He's lost count of his really big secrets
5) Hurricane Lucy pickin' up steam
4) Those old illegitimate kids will keep popping up
3) As it turns out, Victor is an Alien from the planet Fruptz. The mother ship returns to retrieve him and his remaining off-spring. They offer to take Eve, but she passes when she learns that humidity on the home world causes constant bad hair days
2) He hasn't even met his mother-in-law yet
And the number one reason Kevin and Eve will never last:
1) It's a Soap... nobody lasts

July 5th 2000
Top Ten Situations In Which You Should Call Garcia
10) Your child's been abducted and you're in no hurry to get it back.
9) Need someone to solve a murder and Mac will only arrest Luke
8) You find your unconscious friend in a hotel room with a dead body
7) Taggert needs someone with which to double date
6) Your friend is shot during a fireworks display
5) Your duck has run away from home
4) Officer Johnson not available to make that donut run
3) Mystery Weekend on Spoon Island
2) Nurses Ball 2001: All Male Chorus
And the number one situation in which you should call Garcia:
1) Unexplained cow mutilations

July 31st 2000
Top Ten Bad Pieces of Advice Rachel Gives Her Patients
10) No, don't feel guilty. Casual sex to get what you want is perfectly acceptable
9) You should do what your Mother says
8) Listen to me! You're not paranoid, everyone is against you
7) Greiving is lots of fun, keep it up
6) Don't worry about those Gremlins and Imps everybody sees those
5) Forget that living well stuff. Revenge is the best Revenge
4) You have multiple personalities, and it's best if each of you pays separately
3) Forget about the bill, I'm just glad to help (wait... no, that's one of Kevin's Strange Pieces of Advice)
2) Try the cafeteria corndogs
And Rachel's number one bad piece of advice for her patients:
1) Pick at it

"Well, I'm just warming up here, my real goal is my own little island where I can perform
psychological and medical experiments on Kevin, Scott, Mark and Chris." -- Dr. Rachel Locke

10/18/00
Top Ten Things Kevin Would Rather Not Tell Livvie About:
10) Grandma Melanie being even crazier than Grandma Estelle
9) Corn dog night in the cafeteria really being his idea
8) His father the spy
7) His performance at the first Nurses' Ball
6) Barnabas Collins being a first cousin once removed
5) His pastel period
4) Greg Cooper still thinking he's a member of the family
3) How he voluntarily entered a Karaoke bar
2) His twin brother, the serial killer
And the number one thing that Kevin would rather not tell Livvie about:
1) His alter ego, Norma St. John Pawah

10/31/00
Chris' Top Ten Duties As Chief Resident
10) Improving intern survival rate
9) Eavesdropping while wearing nothing but a towel
8) Putting up with snarky nurses
7) Picking up Alan Quartermain's prescriptions
6) Redoing the schedule every time a Doctor gets fired
5) Delivering results from outside labs and making sure they're "correct"
4) Installing hidden camera in supply closet
3) Applying for position as Helena Cassadine's looovvvveee slave
2) Making book on patient survival rate
And Chris' number one duty as Chief Resident
1) Smile

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These Top Ten Lists are copyright 1997-2000,
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