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by Deborah
Site links are at the bottom of the page.
By day, Baz toodles about in his red double-decker buses ferrying the
old dears and muppets back and forth from Sainsbury’s, while Deb’s
in editorial at Business
Traveller magazine. When he is not busy creating complete anarchy,
Finn whiles
away his days charming and delighting us all.
And of course, we are never more charmed and delighted than when he is breaking our CD player or feeding marmite toast to the VCR. As I type these words, Finn is pulling out all the folded diapers, one by one, from their industrial-size box.
Paws for thought
We carry out this happy little suburban pantomime in a semi-detached,
brick house on the outskirts of the city. We live
with three cats,
including my 15-year-old baby, Briana, pictured here, who was kind enough
to agree to accompany me to my new life in England.
Her loyalty was rewarded with a mandatory six-month stint in a barbaric, medieval-style quarantine lock-up at Gatwick Airport (don’t even get me started!).
Recently Briana has been losing a lot of weight and become quite bony, so we took her into a vet who ruled out cancer or thyroid problems. He can see nothing wrong with her, so she is now on a course of steroids, and we are feeding her separately from her cats.
Our other two cats are a brother and sister that we named Hissypants
(that’s him in the photo, right) and
SpitKnicke
rs (or
“Hiss” and “Spit” for short), since that’s about
all they did in the first couple of weeks that they lived with us.
The duo came to us courtesy of a Swedish woman living in North London. Apparently, her new boyfriend didn’t like cats and insisted they go, and we responded to an ad she had placed in the newspaper.
When we arrived at the woman’s flat to discuss the cats, it was clear that she was hesitant to part with them (she had named them “Double” and “Trouble”), and she called to check up on them after we brought them home.
It’s beyond us, really, why she would allow some knuckle-dragging neanderthal bully her into what must have been a heart-wrenching decision, because she clearly loved the cats, but sadly those are the distances some women will go to keep a man. Pathetic.
Our house
We bought our wee little home in Carshalton, Surrey,
about four
years ago. It sits on the largest council estate in Europe, but many of the
residents have long since bought their houses off the council.
Ours sits on a sort of oddly shaped, triangular corner, with a very small backyard and roomy front yard. We’re hoping to be able to build on to the side of the house within the next five or six years, and this should give us about twice the amount of space.
The elderly woman who lived here before us (she raised her family in this home from the time it was built in the 1930s) was a keen gardener, so many of the plants and shrubbery are mature. Problem is, we have no time to maintain it.
The house hadn’t been substantially altered since it was first built, so Barry saw it as a bit of a blank canvass on which he could design the home to suit our needs.
Barry and his dad, Tony, are quite handy DIY men and have made many improvements. They are both qualified electricians, so they completely rewired the house themselves, which saved us a few grand.
At the moment Barry is close to finishing up the kitchen.
To their credit,
it is Barry and Tony who have done the lion’s share of the work on the
house. They have been working very hard and have done an spectacular
job!
The appalling, 1960s kitchen units in this photo have since been replaced by new units in light oak.
The dull, dirty yellow ceiling has been repainted a brilliant white. A plumber has ensured all is hooked up properly, and Tony and his friend Dave have laid out our new terracotta floor tiles.
The kitchen walls have been plastered over, and they have installed a pattern of multi-colored, Italian wall tiles. Two walls will remain untiled; instead they have been painted over with a mixture of emulsion and light sand, lending the walls a Mediterranean-style texture.
Barry will build me a cart on wheels to serve as a mobile cutting board
and vegetable rack, and soon I will be commissioning a student artist to
paint Carmen Miranda on one of the untiled walls. On the top of her head
will be a real fruit basket,
and dangling
from her ears will be red chilli peppers.
Although we have stripped floors and window sills and sanded and wallpapered, there remains much to do. The living room was the first room finished, but we are unhappy with the finished product, so it too will have to be redone.
Barry’s interests
Barry likes motor sports, classic V-dubs and old rock (Status Quo, Thin Lizzy, Pink Floyd, Republica, Carter USM, the Sex Pistols, Billy Idol, Runrig and ’70s glam rock). And he’s Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs over “Only Fools & Horses,” a long-running Brit comedy series starring David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst.
This photograph
s
hows Barry
and Finn standing beside a three-wheeled, yellow Ford Reliant van like the
one made famous in the program.
“Only Fools & Horses” is probably one of Great Britain’s most popular comedy series ever and as such enjoys a massive cult following to this day, even though the last episode was filmed several years ago and the actors have all pursued other projects.
The
show has an appreciation society that puts on an annual convention in various
locations around England.
Last year we went for the first time (it was held in Ongar), and admittedly it was good fun.
Many of the old cast showed up to sign book copies, and we got photos with a few of them. Here we are with actress Sue Holderness, who played “Marlene” in the show.
Deborah’s interests
On those increasingly rare occasions when I have
free time, I do crosswords (boring, I know) and tinker around with this site.
My musical tastes stopped
ev
Perhaps embarrassingly, there’ll always be a place in my heart for those sappy, early-’90s hair metal acts such as Def Lep, Slaughter, post-Roth VH, G&R and L.A. Guns. Nine-Inch Nails, Green Day, Placebo and The Manics kick too.
Most everything else these days, in my humble opinion, is complete shite, ’cept the “Trainspotting” soundtrack. And it sho’ is a pity ’bout all that R&B and House bollocks. Back in my day, men were men and music was loud. You just can’t beat a long, unruly mane, black leather jacket and studded boots for pure, molten sex appeal.
Finn’s interests (written by Finn)
I am 4 years old. I live in South London, where my Daddy is from. People say I look more like my Dad! Mommy’s not very pleased that I have a British accent because she’s a very proud American (from a place called California) and thinks I ought to speak like her. Sometimes Gamma and Poppy have trouble understanding me when I speak to them on the dog (Cockney rhyming slang: dog & bone -- phone!).
I say things like “where’s me Teddy?” instead of “where’s my Teddy?” because that’s the way my Daddy talks. It drives her barmy, and I think that’s hilarious! They say I’m going to be tall like my Daddy because I’m already half as tall as Mommy. I have thick, dark blond hair, my great-Nana’s smile and big, chocolate brown, almond-shaped eyes (Daddy’s eyes are hazel and Mommy’s are light blue).
The old muppets on the buses are always harping on about my “beautiful” eyes and long lashes, so I flash ’em one of my killer grins and they all start swooning, the crazy old bats.
I have lots of lovely family and friends, so I regard everyone I meet as a new friend. I always greet passers-by and ask how they are. When they ask me, “How are you?” I say “I’m awright” in my South London accent. People think it’s funny.
I’m a pretty sensitive, ’90s kind of guy too, because when my friends cry, I always come to them and pat them on the hand or back. I don’t like to see people cry, even if it’s on TV. I get very concerned and ask Mommy why they’re crying, and she says it’s only pretend. Mommy says I’m very affectionate because I always ask for cuddles. Yeah, well, what can I say? That’s just the kind bloke I am.
All the girls in my neighborhood like to come around and visit (I’m already quite popular with the ladies... Guys, take note!). I got a couple of sisters on the go, as well. They live across the street from Nanny and Granddad’s house, and their names are Francesca (age 5) and Catriona (“Katrina”), who is the same age as me.
She and Francesca have lovely blonde hair and big blue eyes, and they are very nice to me. Catriona always helps me out to do the things that I can’t yet do for myself. And they wait for me to catch up with them when we’re out playing. They’re very protective of me.
I’ve got a confession to make. I’m afraid I’ve got a bit of a thing for Catriona. But nobody else knows, so you can’t tell a soul. I’d be mortified if she found out!
But I am a good boy and very clever too, because I say nice words like “yes, please,” “no, thank you,” “may I....?” and “I’m sorry.” I say “bless you, my Mommy” when she sneezes, “excuse me” when I want to get past and “pardon me” when I burp. It impresses hell outta people. It really knocks them out.
When I want to go out, I tell Mommy and Daddy that I’m going to get my coat and get in my buggy. Then I say, “See ya later, Mom, bye-bye.” And when my Uncle Bill came to visit back in December 1999, he taught me to say “superb” and do a high-five. And when someone says something to me that I don’t want to hear, I clasp my hands over my ears to annoy them. It works a treat.
I think it’s pretty funny when Mommy bangs her knee or stubs her toe and shouts “Ouch!” She can be pretty clumsy sometimes because she gets in a hurry. And some of the words you grown-ups use are quite funny to my ears.
The first time I heard the words “backward,” “hoops,” “belly on a stick” and “reach,” I laughed so hard that my face went all red. Mommy says I have an infectious, dirty laugh, like a pervy old man flashing a gaggle of co-eds, but I don’t really understand what that means and she won’t tell me.
But Mommy and Daddy sometimes get cross with me, like when I call Mommy by her first name (she says it’s disrespectful) or when I tell them to “shush!” or “I don’t want to!” So instead I just tell them “no” all the time.
Another thing I like to do is point at anything and everything and ask, “What’s this?” even when I know full well what it is! You see, Doctor says my little mind is like a sponge. Daddy says I’m like Bart Simpson. Ay, caramba!
Something I really like is when Mommy runs through the names of all my family members, from her side of the family to Daddy’s side of the family. I know them all by heart now.
I’ve been learning so much the last couple of years. I can do lots of things, though I prefer it when Mommy does them for me. After all, the posters say we should all do our bit to conserve energy, don’t they? But if I have to, I can put on and take off my clothes, strap myself into my buggy and take off my socks. I can still get The Toads (Mom and Pop) to do it all for me, though.
I also can say my numbers 1 through 20, and Mommy and Daddy teach me the value of numbers. Now I’m counting things on my own. I know most of my alphabet, and I adore puzzles. I’m quite good at them, in fact. Mommy bought me a colorful watch so I’ll know how to tell time someday.
I’m also learning colors. When we’re out walking around, Mommy always points out the colors of cars, flowers and doors. Right now they all look red to me, because that’s my favorite color. My portage worker, Kay, says I’m very clever.... “He’s all the way there and halfway back again,” they say. She thinks I’m gonna be a right little lady killer someday.
My favorite toys are cars and trucks, especially when they make lots and lots of noise. I have crayons and paper, but I’m not too keen on drawing because there’s no horn to toot. Because I was born really, really early and really, really small, I sometimes have trouble holding things between my fingers, but I’m getting better all the time.
I love to dance (especially with Mommy) and move
to any kind of music. Mostly I just sway back and forth and bob my head around.
I’m starting to use my arms and legs too, though I find it quite difficult.
I’m not walking on my own yet, so when we dance, Mommy holds me in her
arms. The funniest part is when she dips me and swirls me around. That’s
a bit of a
giggle.
I don’t like to sing, but I mouth the words to the songs when Maisy Mouse (right) and The Teletubbies or The Tweenies are on and nobody’s watching me. Maisy Maisy Mouse and The Tweenies are my favorites. I have two Maisy videos, and I play them all the time. Daddy says Maisy’s friend Charley’s a div. But now I also like Bob the Builder and Thomas the Tank Engine.
I can’t walk by myself yet, but I can stand up and hobble along on my own feet as long as I’m holding on to something or someone. When I walk, my legs “scissor” and I get easily tired.
The people in our neighborhood stop and say hi when we’re out doing my exercises. They’re very friendly and nice, and the other kids stop and talk with me.
Finn’s sleep and bath time
Like Mommy and Grandpa Miller, I’m quite a heavy sleeper. Daddy says I can sleep for England. I have a favorite Teddy (from Grandma and Grandpa) and a Milo doll from one of my favorite shows, “The Tweenies.”
At bedtime, I hold them both and put them under the covers with me so that they stay nice and warm. I don’t like going places without at least one of them, even if it’s only to the corner shops.
When I get tired, I just tell somebody and they put me to bed. I’ve always been a good sleeper; I started sleeping through the night at 6 months, so Doctor says Mommy and Daddy were very lucky.
Teddy used to reek of old milk and a few other things that didn’t smell very nice, but I didn’t want Mommy to wash him because he might get lonely in the washing machine all by himself.
So as soon as Mommy and Daddy stuffed him in the clothes hamper, I snuck around and yanked him back out. I did this a couple of times until they got the message (they can be pretty thick sometimes).
Then one day when I was in the bath, Daddy brought
Teddy in with us, and we all splashed around together and had a great time.
Teddy doesn’t smell
anymore.
I love water, so taking baths and going swimming are two of my favorite things. If I had my way, I’d take about three baths a day. I have lots of bath toys, so I splash around and play and stick my alphabet letters onto the tiles.
Daddy usually takes baths with me because Mommy hates bathtubs and won’t get in one. She only takes showers. She says that taking baths is unhygenic, but it’s okay for little kids like me.
Finn’s meal times
Meal times are my favorite part of the day because this is when I can really wind up Mommy and Daddy (I call them “The Toads” when they’re not listening). Sometimes I won’t eat anything at all, just to watch them get worked up. But when I’m at Nanny’s or Tonina’s house, I eat everything on my plate …. And more!!!!
So Mommy and Daddy never know what to expect. They try all sorts of tricks to get me to eat…. Like saying that Nanny wants me to eat it, or telling me it’s really chocolate pudding (when I know full well it’s vegetables).
My favorite things are chocolate, yogurt, lots of milk, Cheerios, chocolate, Nanny’s cake, pears, bananas, fruit juice, chocolate, scrambled eggs, bacon, pizza, ice cream, cheese, chocolate, biscuits, raisins, Mommy’s blueberry muffins, croissants, prawn sandwiches from Marks & Spencer, chocolate, apricots, cookies, crackers, anything with loads of ketchup….and did I mention chocolate?
I don’t like beans, pork chops, gingerbread or vegetables, but I’ll tolerate most other things, just to keep the peace.
Finn’s school
Last May I started going to a playgroup at school. It’s only a few blocks from our house. There are lots of other kids there, and the teachers are very nice. It’s a special-needs nursery, and all the other kids have difficulties of some sort, so I’m not the only one.
I go to school five mornings a week. I have lots of friends there, and we do fun projects like play in the sand, make cards, sing songs and listen to stories.
My teacher says I’m quite independent and cooperative. I never cry or make a fuss when Mommy and Daddy drop me off because I’m a big boy now and not very clingy at all. I like doing new things and meeting new people. Always have.
Finn’s daycare (“childminding”)
Mommy and Daddy both work full time, but Mommy works days and Daddy works nights. This means that I get to spend most of the day with Daddy, then he brings me to spend the afternoon with a woman named Tonina. She has been looking after me for the last year, but I am going to a new childminder in August when Mommy goes back to work.
Once every week or two I spend a few hours of an afternoon at Nanny and Granddad’s house. They live nearby, only about 15 minutes away. I have a good time there because they always give me a bath, which I like very much.
Sometimes my half-sister Natalie (age 14) comes around after school for a few hours and play with me too. Well, that’s all I’ve got to say for now. Bye!
Likeable links
A friend put me on to a site that may be of interest to some of you. It’s at www.highschoolalumni.com. Once you’ve registered, you can go in and get updates on your old classmates (if they’re registered too) and, if you want, add your details.
Other favorites include Scrummy Bug Recipes, Great Mobile Homes of Mississippi and SpinnWebe: the Nipple Server, where some freak Webcams his left nipple. If you’ve got more time than ambition, you can even give it marks on color, perkiness and “overall nipplish quality.” Uh, right...
Do pop in often for some goss and a spot of tea, or contact us at umpelby@aol.com. Deborah also can be reached at YankyGirl32@aol.com, dmiller@businesstraveller.com and FlagwavinYank@aol.com. Or send personal messages to Barry at Udipstick@aol.com.