INTRODUCTION:
Hello, Trekkies. If you like this story, or even if you don't, or if you just want someone to talk to, e-mail: "ussriker@aol.com", or "USS Riker" for AOL users. Read, laugh, distribute as many copies as you wish, but there are only two things I ask in return:
1. PLEASE give me credit. I worked really hard on this!
2. Please do not alter this story.
Thank you very much. Now I will SHUT-UP, so you can enjoy the REAL story.
CAST:
ROLE VOY
Commanding officer Janeway
First Officer Chakotay
Chief of Operations Kim
Chief Engineer Torres
Chief Medical Officer Doc Rekcus
Chief of Security Tuvok
Helmsman Paris (not the city in Paris)
Science Officer Uh.... I don't know
Bartender Neelix
Other people Kes
Captain's log: Stardate 49693... or is it 49742? How would I know? I don't have a calender! Whatever. Anyway;
We have just finished a mission in the Dexious system to search for neat-o stuff we could use. As usual, no success. While on the surface of a planet, Chakotay's team forgot where they parked the shuttle, so we had to come and pick them up.
Neelix has advised the crew to sit back and relax, drink coffee from nebulas in cups with flowers on it, and to try some of his hair pasta. I hated to do it, but I had to decline. Instead, I've entered the ugly-looking holodeck. I will no longer do those little pre-historic English lady stunts. I just don't feel like being Lucy anymore. I've pretended that she fell and broke her leg. Now I know what happens if Lucy fell.
Instead, I've recreated one of my favorite TV shows on the holodeck. It's a trashy sitcom that aired on ABC from March to April 1996, called Alien in the Family. It's one of those shows that wasn't really worth it. Sort of like SeaQuest DSV.
You know, I could talk into this captain's log thingy all day. It's pretty funny. Why don't I just narrate the entire story? Huh? Would you like that?
--Holodeck--
CHAKOTAY'S VOICE: Captain, I need to see you on the bridge.
JANEWAY: Not now, Chakotay. I'm on the final episode.
CHAKOTAY'S VOICE: Haven't you only been in there for three hours?
JANEWAY: Exactly. What's the problem anyway?
CHAKOTAY'S VOICE: I think you should come to the bridge.
JANEWAY: How come nobody ever answers me?
CHAKOTAY'S VOICE: Just come to the bridge.
JANEWAY: On my way. Computer; end program.
COMPUTER'S VOICE: Gladly. Whew! What a horrible show!
--Opening credits--
STAR TRAK: PLYMOUTH VOYAGER
Based upon STAR TRAK created by GENE BLODDENBERRY
Starring:
KATE MILDEW as Captain Kathryn Norway
Also starring:
ROBERT BELTRANSIT as Chalk-O-Tay
ROCKS AND BIG DAWNSON as B'Elampa Tearres
JENNIFER LYING as Kez
ROBBIE DUNCAN DONUTS McNAIL as Thomas Paris France
EATING PHIL'S LIPS as Nelex
ROBERT JEAN-LUC PICARD as The-Nameless-Doctor Who-Was-Originally-Going-To-Be Called-Doctor-Zimmerman,-But-Then-Named-Doctor-Rekcus, Which,-If-You-Spell-Backwards,-Is-Sucker
TIM RUSTY as Twovook
GARRET WING-WONG as Henry Skim
Created by:
BICK RERMAN, MICHAEL PILL, and JERI TYLER
--Bridge--
(Janeway walks off the turbolift) JANEWAY: What's the problem?
CHAKOTAY: There's a problem in the shuttlebay. We should go there immediately.
JANEWAY: Then why did you call me here?
CHAKOTAY: Because I want to go with you.
JANEWAY: All right. Let's go.
(Janeway and Chakotay enter the turbolift, which is conveniently always there. Then, Tuvok enters, then Kim, then Paris, then Torres, then some unnamed officer that will probably eventually die.)
--Turbolift--
JANEWAY (talking loudly over the elevator music): It's too crowded!!! We'll run out of air!!! Someone has to die.
(Everyone looks toward the unnamed officer, and kills him.)
JANEWAY: Much better. Now, what's the problem?
CHAKOTAY: The problem is in the shuttlebay.
JANEWAY: I didn't ask where. I asked what!
CHAKOTAY: Lieutenant Dan is waiting for us.
PARIS (interuppting): Lieutenant Dan? From Forrest Gump? I loved that movie!
JANEWAY: I didn't ask who!
CHAKOTAY: The problem occurred thirty minutes ago.
JANEWAY: Who asked when? I'm asking what!
CHAKOTAY: Sorry, captain. We don't know why or how.
JANEWAY (stomping up and down): WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT HAPPENNNNND!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?
CHAKOTAY: Gee, captain. Don't blow your top. All you had to do was ask.
(Janeway growls)
CHAKOTAY: We figured out that we only have one shuttle left.
JANEWAY: One shuttle? What happened to the rest of them?
CHAKOTAY: Ah, you know. They either got destroyed, or damaged beyond repair, or sometimes we just left one behind!
JANEWAY: I recommend we use this one very carefully. By the way, why is the entire bridge crew in here?
CHAKOTAY: I don't know.
JANEWAY: Oh.
(Pause)
(Janeway looks at her watch)
(Pause)
(Another pause)
(Janeway yawns)
JANEWAY (after another long pause): Why is this ride taking so long?
TORRES: I'm on it, captain.
JANEWAY: Well, get off.
TORRES: No, I mean I'm trying to figure out why it's not moving.
PARIS: Because you're working on it!! HA!!!
(Torres slaps Paris)
JANEWAY: Stop it, you two, or I'll send you to your rooms.
KIM: If I may, captain.
JANEWAY: May what?
KIM: Take a guess as to why we're not moving?
JANEWAY: Well, you're more technically advanced than I am, so go ahead.
KIM: Maybe we should tell it where we want to go.
JANEWAY: Duh. Computer; deck 3.
(Turbo starts moving)
JANEWAY: Finally.
(Pause)
(Another pause)
(Janeway yawns)
(Five minutes later) JANEWAY: What is it now?
TORRES: It's nothing. It always goes this slow.
JANEWAY: We may never get there.
PARIS: Tell us something we didn't know.
KIM: I listened to the Village People last night.
PARIS: I mean something that is relevant to this situation.
KIM: I listened to the Village People last night.
PARIS: How is that related to this turbolift???
KIM: It's not. I just think that it's interesting.
TUVOK: SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! This is my favorite song.
JANEWAY: Song? What are you talking about?
TUVOK: The elevator music. This is my favorite.
CHAKOTAY: You listen to elevator music?
TUVOK: Doesn't everyone?
(Finally, the turbolift doors open. Everyone except Tuvok leaves the turbo, and steps out into the empty corridor.)
--Corridor--
CHAKOTAY: This way.
(He starts walking, taking a left, then a right, a left, another left, and another right.)
KIM: How come we have to walk so far?
PARIS: We told it to go to deck 3. We didn't say WHERE in deck 3.
KIM: Oh.
(Takes another left.)
TORRES: Something is wrong.
JANEWAY: What is it?
TORRES: The people in the corridors that walk by. How come they never talk?
RICK BERMAN (appearing out of nowhere): Because we'd have to pay them.
CHAKOTAY (suddenly stopping): Who are you?
JANEWAY: I'll do the talking! Who are you?
RICK BERMAN: I'm Rick Berman.
(Blank looks on all faces.)
RICK BERMAN: Producer of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Star Trek: Voyager.
PARIS: I hate that show.
RICK BERMAN: Creator of your ship.
(More blank looks.)
RICK BERMAN: Signer of your paychecks.
ALL: Ohhhhhhhh....
JANEWAY: Welcome aboard Voyager. You may stay as long as you wish. I'll escort you to your quarters.
CHAKOTAY: No! I'll do it!
KIM: I can do it.
TORRES: I know my way around this deck. I'll take you to the V.I.P. quarters.
PARIS: I was just kidding before. I LOVE both those shows!
JANEWAY: Why stay in the V.I.P. quarters? You can have mine!
(Rick Berman suddenly disappears.)
CHAKOTAY: Where'd he go?
PARIS: We probably scared him off.
JANEWAY: Let's continue.
(Everyone resumes walking. They soon take a right, then a left, followed by a right. Then, another right, and a left. Right, left, left, right, left.)
PARIS: Feels like we've been walking for hours.
KIM (Looks at watch): We have!
TORRES: Psst. No watches allowed.
KIM: Oh yeah.
JANEWAY: It seems as if we've been walking in circles.
CHAKOTAY: We have!
JANEWAY: WHAT?!?
PARIS: Wait! We're on deck two!
CHAKOTAY: Oops! Wrong deck.
(Walks over to turbolift. Doors open, and Tuvok is standing there.)
--Turbolift--
TORRES: Commander, have you been standing there ever since we left, listening to elevator music?
JANEWAY: Nonsense! He probably ate lunch or something. He was probably going up to the bridge to do some work. He probably didn't get off in the first place, because he realized that we had gotten off on the wrong deck, so he continued to deck three! Right?
TUVOK: No. I've been standing here listening to elevator music.
TORRES: Told you!
JANEWAY: Let's just go to the shuttlebay!
(Everyone goes in.)
CHAKOTAY: Deck three!
(Turbo starts moving, slowly.)
(Pause)
PARIS: What happened to that unnamed guy who we killed?
TUVOK: He started to smell, so I ate him.
KIM: You did what?
TORRES: Was he tasty?
JANEWAY: Lieutenant!!!!
TORRES: It can't hurt to ask. What happened to the bones?
TUVOK: I ate them, too. Quite filling.
(Everyone except Torres, moves away from Tuvok.)
TORRES: Did you eat the brain first?
TUVOK: Of course. It's better that way.
TORRES: I agree.
(Janeway, Chakotay, Paris, and Kim are trying to climb out of the turbolift, when it finally stops.)
CHAKOTAY: Here we go.
--Corridor--
JANEWAY: Do we go right or left?
KIM: Let's flip a coin!
MUNCHKIN: No! Follow the yellow brick road!
ALL (singing as the skip down a yellow bricked corridor): Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick ro--
DAN: Captain?
--Shuttlebay 1--
JANEWAY: Oh, sorry. Lieutenant Dan, report.
PARIS: LIEUTENANT DAN! It really is you! I see those artificial legs are working great, huh?
DAN: Sir?
TORRES (whispering to Lt. Dan): Don't pay any attention to him. He's seen Forrest Gump one too many times.
PARIS: I have the video, the laserdisc, the widescreen version, and the holodeck program of that movie, not to mention the soundtrack, which includes Joy to the World, Mrs. Robinson, Hound Dog, and Respect. All of this in surround stereo, and--
(Chakotay uses a hypospray on him.)
CHAKOTAY: He has to learn that he can't act that way anymore. I think when you told him to be late to work, and to push me around, you kind of over did it.
JANEWAY: Sorry, commander.
DAN: Can we get back on topic?
JANEWAY: Yes. What is the problem?
DAN: We only have one shuttle left.
NEELIX (walking in): Captain! Try some of my newest treat. It's called, Hull 'O Shuttle.
DAN (looks at shuttle, then back to Janeway): Make that NO shuttles left.
TORRES: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
NEELIX: Try my new dish!
JANEWAY: I'll try your Hull 'O Shuttle later, Neelix.
NEELIX: Then how about my hair pasta? Cucumber sandwiches? Pizza? Paris de Jouir?
JANEWAY: Ooooh. That last one sounds lovely. Food from France.
NEELIX: France nothing! I'm talking about Lieutenant Paris!
TUVOK: I will try some.
NEELIX: Here you are, Mister Vulcan.
TUVOK: My name is not Mister Vulcan.
NEELIX: Then what is it?
SEAN CONARY: Bond. James Bond.
KIM: How can we be out of shuttles?
JANEWAY: I'm getting a headache.
DOCTOR (Appears out of thin air): Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
JANEWAY: What? I just have a headache!
DOCTOR: Very well. A simple case.
NEELIX: Extrodinary, I thought you could only be in sickbay.
DOCTOR: And I thought you could only be in a mental institute.
KES (Walking in): Did I miss something?
NEELIX: Nothing, dear. Go back to sleep.
KES: Okay.
(Walks out)
DOCTOR: I must be going, too.
(Disappears)
NEELIX: So must I.
(Leaves)
TUVOK: Wait for me! I must have more of Paris.
(Leaves)
TORRES: I've got to go back to engineering.
(Leaves)
PARIS: I'm dead.
JANEWAY: WAIT, everyone. What about the shuttles?
CHAKOTAY: Who cares? It's your problem now. I'm jumping ship!
(Leaves)
KIM: There's no point of me being here. Bye.
(Leaves)
DAN: I've lost my artificial legs. I've got to find them.
(Leaves)
JANEWAY: But--
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
BICK RERMAN & MICHAEL PILL & TERI TYLOR
JANEWAY: Hey! What?
DIRECTOR (JOHNATHAN FRAKES, as usual): Sorry, we're out of time!
JANEWAY: But--
Credits on right side of screen, next week's episode on left:
NEXT TIME ON STAR TREK: VOYAGER, EVERYONE WILL DIE. ON THE NEXT, STAR TREK: VOYAGER. NEXT MONDAY ON UPN.
Full screen credits.
FLAREAMOUNT. A VIACOME COMPANY.
ANNOUNCER: You're watching UPN, home of The Paranormal-Do-Anything-To-Get-Ratings With-Host-Johnathan-Frakes Borderline.
--Black and white still photos--
AVIAL: My name is Thomas Avial, or at least I think it is, I'm not sure. I'm a photographer, but I'm not too sure about that, either. I had it all, a wife, Ellison, friends, a career, and er-- well, that's it. But in one moment it was taken away, all because of a single photograph. I have it, they want it. And they will do anything to get the negatives. I'm keeping this extra-long diary that seems to go on forever, as proof that these events are real. I know they are....
(Shatner impression)
They-- have to be.
THE END. (Sorry I went a little over!)
Well, that's it. E-mail me and tell me what you think.
Also by NOAH MADRANO:
01 STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE #1--The No Plot {Oct. 1995}
02 STAR TREK: VOYAGER #1--Who's Got the Shuttles? {Mar. 1996}
03 STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION #1--[Unnamed at this time] {COMING IN MID-APRIL!!!!}!