Here are two myths about polys, which I encountered over the holidays. I'd encountered them both before. Funny how these myths can be so widespread and persistent.
Myth Number One: Polys are just trying to rationalize having more sex, or having sex with more partners.
If polys were only interested in more sex, or in sex with more partners -- why wouldn't they just go out and have their sex, and stop talking about it, stop endlessly discussing it, stop trying to work out agreements with their partners, stop trying not to hide what they are doing? Why would anyone spend so much time simply devising an excuse? Why wouldn't they just say, "I want more sex. I want sex with more people"? If polys were interested in excuses, why spend so much energy worrying about their partners' opinions and feelings? Why not just have sex and hide it? Or have sex and not care what anyone, even their long-term partners, thought?
Myth Number Two: Doesn't jealousy make polyrelationships impossible?
My response to that, of course, is that polys do sometimes get jealous. So...???
Even though people may get jealous, no one should use jealousy as an excuse to behave meanly to someone, especially to someone they claim to love.
Jealousy is no excuse, and people should stop using it as one. Jealousy can be managed, just as anger can be.
This struck me very clearly one Sunday while listening to my minister preach about world peace. My minister is not sympathetic towards polys. It suddenly struck me as absurd for her to preach sermons on how we can build world peace by overcoming ancient, deep-rooted hatreds; when she doesn't believe it is possible for people to overcome their own jealousies.
Non-polys cite jealousy as if its existence proves that polyness can't work. Perhaps the existence of war proves that peaceful cooperation doesn't work. But people still work for world peace, cooperation and understanding nonetheless. Just because jealousy exists doesn't mean that we should be slaves to it. This can't be that novel an idea! Although it is true that, in many places, husbands can get away with murder if they find their wife with another man -- on the pretext that it is "normal and understandable" for a man to attack (and possibly kill) his rival in such a situation. Phooey! Jealousy is no excuse. We must learn to manage our jealousy rather than excuse and condone it -- just as we learn to control our anger.