I have just bought The Heart of Marriage, by Cathleen Rountree. I was initially biased against it because of its format. The book is built from interviews with nineteen married couples. They describe how they met, how they married, and what their marriage means to them. There is a lot of dialogue, collected from the interviews. Generally such a format does not appeal to me.
But the book is growing on me. The Heart of Marriage is useful for showing me how some people think about marriage, what it means to them.
What does it mean to them? I can't put my finger on that yet. Whatever the meaning, it somewhat disturbs me. Somehow, it seems to me, "the couples do protest too much."
The dialogues exhibit what seems to me a nearly religious fervor. In some dangerous way they strike me as making too much of "this marriage thing". Like Christian theologians arguing the nature of Jesus; or orthodox Jews ensuring that they don't switch any lights on or off during Sabbath; or vegetarians refusing food contaminated by so much as a drop of animal broth. I realize, of course, that these things matter to them. They just don't matter to me. I remember Jesus asking, "Who do people say I am?". I wonder what he thought of those people.
Yet here I am, asking what marriage is. Mostly from trying to understand everyone else! They have some image of what marriage is or should be; whereas my own image of marriage is simply companionship.
A few days ago I received an email from the National Catholic Register, asking my opinion on several issues relating to "polygamy/polyamory"; several of these issues involve the nature of marriage itself. I was particularly struck by the final question:
"How would you respond to common criticisms of polygamy and polyamory, [for example] that marriage is an act of giving oneself fully to one's spouse, and that gift cannot be given to more than one person?"
But maybe that's what bothers me! The idea that "giving fully" cannot be given to more than one person! What does it mean, to "give fully"? Can one give fully? Should one give fully?
Cannot three (or more) people "give fully" to their common relationship?
Food for thought! What is this "marriage" anyway??