A few months ago, I told a friend that I was planning to write up something about "how I become involved with new people" or "what I need in order to feel comfortable with a new relationship" (something like that).
And now, here I am - with May over ("Beltane past" - the Wiccans will appreciate this!), and suddenly I've "become closer" to several people. I wasn't anticipating this. I haven't really begun a new relationship for about four years.
And I always say, you know: "Sex isn't really what I'm after" (perhaps an old defensiveness, reacting to monogamists who say: "Polys are just after more sex"). Sex isn't just what I'm after. I have to arrive at a particular level of comfort to be able to enjoy being sexual with someone (whether we actually have intercourse or not). I need a certain comfort level, a certain "at-ease-ness" to snuggle with someone, to kiss, even to hug or hold hands.
Perhaps this is my feminine side showing. Some people assert that women are more sensitive to such things.
And yet - I'm a nudist. I'm pretty comfortable with other people's bodies and my own. And, from being a shy withdrawn teenager, I've evolved into a very sociable fellow (though I still consider myself an introvert): Quite comfortable with meeting new people. In short, I can become comfortable with someone rather quickly.
Yet I hesitate. I need to be able to feel good about sexual behavior afterwards. And sometimes I don't. Why not? What do I need? What is it that is sometimes lacking?
I need to feel that I've interacted "human being to human being". I need to feel that we've related in an honest, meaningful, significant way; that it wasn't just a game, "a good time". I need to feel that our encounter will fit somehow into my life, not leave an aching hole behind. And I prefer that the encounter be something that I can be honest about with myself.
"Honest about" -- so that later I can say: "I'm glad we did that."
What makes this possible? The truth is, I don't always know. I'll think about it some more.