Once upon a time, one evening, an eighteen-year-old man was coming down the stairs of a deserted university building, when he met...a woman.
The woman seemed a bit "odd", perhaps just a little "crazy". She stopped the man to ask him a question, which led to a conversation. Thirty minutes later, the two were still talking. Apparently the woman needed money.
It was at about this point that the woman said (in broken English - this was in Germany):
"You a good boy; I no touch you".
And planted her hand right on the man's crotch.
The man was startled but said nothing. The woman removed her hand and ten minutes later was gone.
Go forward seven years. The twenty-five-year-old is now sitting on a sofa gazing into another man's eyes. After several refusals and excuses, the twenty-five-year-old is visiting the man's apartment. In a few moments, his host will kiss him. A few minutes after that, the host's hand will travel downwards to his guest's pant zipper. Meanwhile, the guest will be calculating:
"I don't really like this guy. I don't really want to be doing this. He ignores every refusal or excuse I make. He's bigger and stronger than I am; I don't think I can make it out the door before he catches up with me..."
Why did Bill (yes, it was me) react differently in the two situations? Should he have? Why was he actually more amused than offended in the first case? Why was he so intimidated in the second?
And what prevented him from saying, in the second case, clearly and authoritatively: "No!"
It is an art and a matter of wisdom to correctly judge the danger or safety of situations. A wink or a nudge can be interpreted as intimidating - or harmless. A hug can seem a bit too familiar - whether intended that way or not.
I remember a woman telling me, matter-of-factly, that her college roommate had been raped. Her tone suggested: "Yeah well; these things happen."
But who wants it to happen to them.
Polys need to be especially careful, since polyness can be misinterpreted, can be seen as a come-on, as a willingness for indiscriminate sexuality; by people who may not yet realize that they still need to ask, and listen, and be respectful.
May we all be wise - and safe!