South Bay Poly Essay #147 (July 2007)

“Core Values”

One of my pet projects is dismantling society's assumption that, if you are married, you and your spouse have promised to "forsake all others." Not all people make this promise. Not all religious traditions require it, and many people are simply married in a civil ceremony.

If people believe in "forsaking all others" or "my spouse is my property", let's encourage them to make it explicit.

And those of us who don't believe it should also make that clear; and encourage others to be explicit either way.

Those who include it in their marriage vows are making it explicit....

To me, leaving it out of marriage vows also makes a statement: "I am not assuming this".

There are even people whose marriage vows include the phrase "forsaking no others" -- to make clear that they are allowing for possible future relationships outside of the marriage.

If people can opt for "covenant marriages" which make it harder to divorce, why shouldn't some of us opt for "open marriage" vows?

And while we're at it -- let's work to make this more socially known and accepted.

Many faith traditions require couples to promise sexual exclusiveness when they marry -- but some don't. And if we're in one that doesn't (or if your own personal philosophy allows it), I suggest that we say that -- and ask our faith group to affirm that.

Within my own tradition, people may as individuals advocate monogamy -- but they aren't required to. Therefor I think that my denomination should accept the polyamorous as well as the monogamous. For many of us, our ideals transcend the monogamy/polyamory question -- our core values have to do with promoting individual integrity, honesty, and trustworthiness.

And we should say that: "My own values of honesty, trust, integrity do not depend on whether my lover or spouse is sexually exclusive with me".

What if you and your lover(s) disagree on sexual ethics?

I struggled with this issue a long time. Finally I decided that, on some issues, you cannot forbid someone else's beliefs (or actions). For me, there are times when I cannot tell someone else how to behave -- but that is for me. The next question is, do you want to remain in relationship? Because -- for me -- there are certain things that others cannot forbid to me either.

I can't advocate for vetoes, only for dialogue.