South Bay Poly Essay #127 (September 2005)

“Hierarchy in Relationships (or not!)”

Continuing somewhat last month’s topic (asymmetry in relationships)…

Some people have no problem (and may even find it useful) to rank or otherwise label the people they are in relationship with. “This person is my Primary, this one is my Secondary, this person over here is my Tertiary”. Or: “This is my Spouse (or Significant Other…or Fiance(e)…or Boyfriend/Girlfriend…or Friend”).

For me, it isn’t a question of ranking people to say “so-and-so is above so-and-so”. For me it’s a question of how I describe each relationship, although in a sense it does rank people. For me, a spouse is more important than a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”, even though I might love them all.

As I said last month, it’s hard to define “equality”. I know my parents loved me, even though I was the third child and much younger than my sisters.

Still, while conceding that my spouse is more “significant” to me than my girlfriend, I want to take care to make clear that my girlfriend is significant – and I want my spouse to know that my girlfriend is significant and important to me (and loved by me).

So for me there is a hierarchy – but it should not be used in a mean-spirited way.

When I was growing up, I knew my sisters were getting a lot of attention because they were graduating from high school or college, or getting married, or having children. I got my own – but different kind of – attention for doing well in school.

But as the relationships continue, the relative significances may equalize – or not! It is possible that people may remain boyfriends/girlfriends long-term, without wanting to move on to the level of “spouse” or “significant other.” But that wouldn’t be based on some rigid hierarchical dogma; it would be based on the dynamics of that particular relationship.