"ALIVE AND WELL IN UTOPIA" (I'm told via email) recently wrote Dear Abby about his open marriage. Among other things, he said:
"Your column is filled with letters from jealous spouses. I wonder if you dare acknowledge a different perspective. Jealousy is not instinctive in humans. It is learned behavior -- a product of cultural conditioning.
(snip)
"The next time you see one of those horrible news stories about a man killing his estranged wife, kids and self, consider what the price of that cultural conditioning really is."
Abby's answer: "Cultural conditioning? Estranged husbands who kill their former wives, children and themselves are psychopaths. I'm hardly a Puritan, but in my opinion, people who have open marriages behave as though they have no marriage at all. My sympathy to their spouses."
So...estranged husbands who murder their wives do it because they are psychopaths. Abby would claim that their actions have nothing to do with their embracing of monogamy. Hmm... Whereas Abby condemns open marriage out of hand, without giving a reason. Hmm, again!
I suspect that Abby relied on her own prejudice for her answer -- although perhaps she interpreted something as an open marriage which was actually mere cheating.
An honest-to-goodness open marriage requires...well...honesty. And honest communication with your partner. Not the sort of stuff that produces psychosis, violence, and abuse!
I have realized suddenly a basic truth staring me in the face. Words like "fidelity" and "betrayal" mean different things to different people. To a large number of people, "fidelity" in a marriage means some type of physical exclusiveness. To these people, "faithful" means that you (and your spouse) don't become sexual with anyone else. Heck - It usually means you don't even kiss or hug anyone else -- or spend much time with anyone else -- or have truly meaningful discussions with anyone else (at least anyone else of the "opposite sex").
What the Abby's of the world (and there are many of them, let's grant them that!) have difficulty grasping is the fact that not everyone feels threatened by the same things. I do not feel threatened by my partner's intimacy with another person. No -- I hope the two of them develop a wonderful relationship; I hope they have a wonderful time when they're together!
And since I do not feel "betrayed" by my partner -- because I even delight to see my partner in love with someone else -- I could not possibly consider my partner to be "unfaithful". I could not possibly consider this to be "infidelity".
Now if s/he left me, If s/he lied to me or deceived me -- I might call it "betrayal". But if s/he did that to me, I would hope that it wouldn't be just because s/he wanted another partner. Because s/he doesn't have to leave me (or lie to me or deceive me) to do that! S/he just has to be honest with me about her/his needs. Cause I'm not a stingy guy. I don't begrudge my partner's right to other significant relationships.
Unlike certain "monogamists" in the world -- who out of jealousy and possessiveness reduce their partners to virtual prisoners. If they murder their spouses when they feel they have been betrayed, can we really say that their exclusivist attitudes towards relationships had nothing to do with it?
Dear Abby -- is this all really so hard to understand or believe?