South Bay Poly Essay #62 (October 1999)

"Poly-Safe and Comfy"

A new attendee at our September meeting mentioned that she was feeling rather nervous as she knocked on our door last month. What would the meeting be like? Who would be there? Would she feel comfortable?

Well, she ended up quite comfortable, and quite surprised by it.

It is natural for the poly-curious to be nervous when they first contact us. After all, they may have very little reliable information about polyness and poly people.

As our host Robert pointed out, we have had people call to say they were on their way out their door to come to the meeting...then disappear totally, never to even be heard from again. I called one such person the week after. Even at that point, having chosen not to attend, she could not bring herself to simply say, "I've changed my mind" or "I'm not ready yet, I may never be ready". Or even, "Sorry I couldn't make it".

Attending a meeting where other people may be having the same "forbidden" thoughts or feelings you have been having can be terrifying. This is quite well known in Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender groups.

Besides the compliment from our new member, we received a similar compliment from an attendee who lives too far away to attend regularly, but gets our mailings. She spoke of how comfortable our poly meetings are.

My point is not to brag, but to invite. We do enjoy meeting new people. And, if you are intimidated by "support groups" or "counseling" or "therapy", you might enjoy our more relaxed atmosphere.

We do have some tensions. Several of us are quite talkative, but we consciously try to allow space for those more restrained (we use a modified "talking stick" approach to our discussion). Some of us are sincerely "religious" (whatever that means), whereas others of us are "non-religious" or agnostic or atheist. Some of us have been involved in swinging; most of us have not. Most of us are looking for long-term relationships; some of us aren't.

We have quite a variety in our group. We have had people in their early 20s and others in their 50s. We have had a variety of ethnic backgrounds. A variety of religious backgrounds (as I said). Single, married, divorced, separated. Parents, non-parents, and never-want-to-be- parents!

And we love visitors! I wouldn't claim we are the group for everyone, but...if you are poly or poly-curious and happen to be in Silicon Valley, drop on by!

And, for our current members, let's keep this good thing going!