Diary of a Lover / Part III : His ninth entry

Joseph A. Martinez and Marie Dillon

No copying in any form electronically or by any given means without the expressed written consent of both authors

Part III

His ninth entry...

Staring out the window of his office library, your mind trips along memories of the past months. The walks on the beach, and the moments just sitting together sharing thoughts fill you with a feeling of completeness.

Everything seems so perfect except your conscience that nags you once in a while.

The guilt of looking in his diary, of reading those private thoughts and knowing his feelings even before he could voice them made it easier to calm most of your anxieties. Still, reading his words didn't make it right, and its been an inner turmoil that's bothered you ever since.

Even now, knowing where his diary was, and knowing it'd be just a while longer before he arrived was a temptation that was hard to resist. After all, you were here to work your culinary skills on him to see if the old wives tail held true : 'A way to a man's heart is through his stomach' was true.

It was more then that though, on one of those silly times when you both just enjoyed humorous bantings, there'd been a contest of 'who's picture was worse' comparing drivers licenses. As a great sneaky way to notice his birthday, you figure a home-cooked meal followed by cake might serve as a better present then anything you could give him.

Of course when you offered to cook him dinner, you didn't let on that you knew about his birthday -- it just made your plans even more perfect to bring the upcoming evening to a hopefully wonderful conclusion.

Another ten minutes, and dinner would be done; in twenty, he'd be walking through the door ready to be poisoned or blessed. It was just the idle minutes that brought you into this room again, looking out the window lost in thoughts and fighting temptation.

If I peek just one more time it wouldn't make me any less guilty, your mind figures, the deed's already done.

Slowly you turn and make your way to his desk, and even though your heart cry's out the contradiction that it could only make matters worse, your hand reaches to open the draw and reach for the leather bound book

You open to a written page….

"...I lay here writing as my mind walks the thin line between dreams and reality wondering if what happened tonight was something I imagined or a dream come true. I can still picture her sitting across the table from me as the light above her flickered in her eyes. Her beauty so much different than any normal human being. The way the light shines in her eyes, how her hair just floats on her shoulders and down her back, or the way she bites her lower lip not even knowing the effect it has upon me. Beauty that only an angel from heaven above could posses.

Night after night I have dreamed of being in that place with her. My heart pounding inside my chest as each second passed. I began to wonder if it was the fear that she might see my true feelings which laid deep inside my eyes or if I was just nervous because I have waited so long to be so close to her.

I began to ask myself, "Can she see all of the feelings I have hidden for so long?" "Does she know that all I want to do is hold her hand?" "Will she ever know that in my dreams I have loved her for what seems like years?" I have fought this battle inside my mind for so long that I never believed I would ever be here with her alone. I carefully started planting the seeds from my heart in hope that someday a flower will grow from hers.

Fear kept me from saying what I really wanted to say so I began to speak in metaphors and similes as the poet inside me came alive. I slowly began to feel the fear fade away as the poet stood tall.

During this, my heart sent prayers to heaven in the hope that I might gain the rest of the courage it would take to tell her how I dream that one day I might be her knight and she my sweet princess. The strength to tell her that there will be times at night when I need her angel wings to protect me. The freedom to express all the passion and desire that my heart holds in a special place for her. The ability to let her know my inner most thoughts and my deepest feelings.

The night went on for hours as we drank coffee, walked, and then played music together. The whole night I fought every urge I had to take her in my arms and kiss her but as she sat there next to me the battle came to a climax. While I sang the song I wrote for her I couldn't fight the feelings anymore as the words flowed from my mouth. She closed her eyes and somehow I knew that she was thinking of me.

I poured out all my feelings as I sang that song and when I was finished I was left completely open. I let go of everything I was fighting and let my heart lead the way. My heart took me along that beautiful precious journey to her tender lips. For a moment our hearts beat as one while her breath was mine. It was then I realized that only she could take me to heaven, and heaven is where I wanted to be.

Reality hit like a ton of bricks when I had to say goodnight. I held her in my arms and wished that I could have kept her there forever. Then it happened. As I looked at her the way I always do I saw a shooting star glisten across her eyes. It took all the strength I have ever known to not tell her how I could love her right then and there, yet I knew deep inside my heart that someday I would.

So I lay here at the same place I always do and ask myself Dream or Reality."

Joseph Martinez

Your heart sighs with the memory of that first shared day together as you whisper out loud "Reality…" and then turning the pages, your gaze befalls another entry…

Diary of a Lover : His tenth entry