|
|
|
||||||||
One Bardess's Introduction to the Troll Nation
Just the other night, I had one of the more unusual experiences I've had during my years of wandering Elanthia. It was nearing midnight and I was resting in the Stone Eye, chatting with Byron and drinking another overpriced glass of wine.
Byron was unusually chatty that evening, and we talked about all sorts of things--how hard it is to find a squirrel these days that isn't rabid, separating the wheat from the chaff, the ridiculous price you have to pay for a nice evening gown. I was surprised how much he knew about evening gowns. Who'd've figured? I mean, have you ever looked at his wardrobe--he's no Versace... Now there's a kobold who had style!
But when I asked Byron about the trolls, really just wanting his take on the spate of troll invasions we experienced earlier in the summer, the bartender clammed right up. In fact, the young, mongrel kobold ignored my question, suddenly looking to be quite busy. I could tell by the way he started vigorously polishing a spot on the bar that my question made him nervous.
I lingered for a few minutes and then left the bar, as it was clear that I had outstayed my welcome. A glass of Terasian Shiraz in hand, I strolled into the Den of the Stone Eye and stood by the picture window for a few minutes, watching the silky, slow, susurrations of river water passing over rocks. (Editor's note: Esserae is the only person I know who can watch susurrations.)
I stood daydreaming for a few seconds, then was startled by a discreet cough. I was even more started when I turned and saw someone sitting in one of the comfortable rolton cotton armchairs dyed in muted oranges and browns.
Peering closer, I stared in utter amazement into the smiling face of a massive troll queen. I saw the biggest baddest female troll I have ever laid eyes on in my life. Truly, I thought, this woman rules the troll monarchy with an iron fist! A role model, perhaps, for River's Rest... ? Oh, but I diverge.
I glanced at the massive troll queen.
She appeared to be in her 60s, with matted golden hair, blue eyes and very poor skin. She was holding a huge, jagged battlesword in her right hand and a piece of creamy milk chocolate in her left hand. She was wearing a gold ring, a crystal amulet, a spray of white jasmine, a pair of diamond elf-shaped earrings, a pair of Sylvanskin boots and an enticing red skirt.
It was then that I realized that her massiveness was due largely to a red, velveteen cloak she was wearing--in all truth, she was a svelte troll queen.
I gawked. I smiled nervously and stammered. I immediately stanced down, drew my opaque vultite falchion, slung my coal black vultite shield from my shoulder and fumbled for my amulet. My first thought? I wondered how much a battered mithril box from a massive troll queen would weigh. My second thought? Geez, that battlesword is going to hurt. My third thought? I knew I had to warn the town.
Then she spoke and I lowered my hand from the amulet. Her voice was deeper than a ravine on the Krag Slopes and grated my nerves more than the first time I heard a dwarf sing. "Mri no gnrikr'ripr srawrlar'ra 'nor'r'r'r'v' sri ghr'w?" she growled. I blinked. "Oh, how rude of me. You can't even speak our language. I'd forgotten that your kind are interested only in hunting, not knowledge," she said. "I understand that you've been asking around about us. I'd like to show you something."
It was then that she showed me her huge, jagged battlesword. I gulped. "Eeps!" I exclaimed, cowering away. This time she blinked. Then blushed. "Oops," she said. She showed me a piece of creamy, milk chocolate. "Care for a piece?" she grumbled, as polite a grumble as I've heard from a troll. I grimaced. "Can't stand the stuff," I said, then quickly added, "No offense!" She chuckled.
The massive troll queen reached out to hold my hand. She coughed. She tapped her foot impatiently. "Oh! I'm sorry..." I exclaimed, and opened my clenched fist. The massive troll queen reached out and held my hand. The massive troll queen gestured and uttered a phrase of magic. My surroundings blurred for a second...
Suddenly, I found myself in the very familiar Troll Lair. But it was different, very different from the Troll Lair I had been hunting in just hours earlier. The passage slanted downward from the entrance in the cliff side. It was a dry, warm and well-ventilated area, and my feet had little trouble gaining a good hold on the plush, new carpet.
Looking at the walls, I saw that great effort had gone into smoothing them. The tapestries hanging ranked among some of the best artwork I have seen in all of Elanthia. The slight scent of cinnamon lingered in the air.
I sniffed. "Yum, cinnamon!" I exclaimed. "Oh, we have a great fondness for cinnamon, flowers and other good-smelling things," she said. "It always amazes us that your first reaction when we encounter each other is to swing your swords. Fortunately, we breed like rabbits." She paused. "Well, maybe not rabbits. Certainly like roltons." Still holding my hand, she continued down the passageway.
Moving deeper into the Lair, the passage continued to drop slightly. Small ledges carved into the walls held decorative granite statues. I began to relax as we walked, and the warmth and familiar scents gave me a sense of well-being.
The first statue we stopped to admire was carved in the style of the Troll Deco period. Glistening in the light, I could almost visualize the ice troll's white skin covered with slush and snow and the field of icicles growing from its head and face. I shivered without thinking. The statue was seemingly carved from living ice, and the ice troll stood casually holding claws with a smaller, younger ice troll. They both were licking ice cream cones with great contentment.
The second sculpture was more abstract, depicting what appeared to be two stone trolls enveloping each other in a warm and loving embrace. The ugly, brutish creatures were grinning maniacally, or lovingly (I couldn't tell which), at each other with cracks and fissures across their faces. Their marbled skin was covered with pocks and divots, but even a bardess as bitter as I could see true love in their eyes.
"My parents," she said, sighing sadly at the statue. "They were so in love. Always clawing and drooling, gnawing on one another. Unfortunately, they were killed in the town you call Icemule Trace earlier this year."
We stood in silence together, lost in thought. She was thinking, no doubt, about her parents. I was thinking that Juspera had been in Icemule during those Invasions and had killed a few stone trolls herself... I blinked.
We moved on. The main chamber of the lair smelled of lavender and the walls were painted the same color. There were several merchant stalls, gaily decorated with flowers and the skulls of giantmen. The merchants themselves were well-dressed, wearing the latest in halfling hide. I saw a heavy chest, a oak cabinet, a long shelf and a raffle table. I also saw a troll merchant, a stunned Lord Gyuin and a troll chieftain.
I glanced into the heavy chest, prepared for the worst. In the heavy chest, I saw a yellow mithril shield decorated with small painted roses, a sea green vultite wall shield with a subtle seascape etched on the front, a light pink vultite shield inscribed with the phrase "Troll baby on board", and a grisly wall shield made of smashed halfling skulls.
Shocked, I looked in the oak cabinet. In the oak cabinet I saw a bowl of plum pudding, a bowl of butterscotch pudding, a bowl of Pinefar almond pudding and a bowl of Elven blood pudding.
The troll chieftain exclaimed, "Sr'nobr rir'ght no tra'mri 'mriragr 'vrargh sr'vr'r'rawd!" Nodding in agreement, the troll merchant leaned forward and showed the troll chieftain a stylish fall jacket.
The troll chieftain scowled, then merrily slapped the troll merchant on the back. The troll chieftain asked, "Ird t'sum snramugh larlor'ra?" The troll merchant chuckled. The troll merchant handed the troll chieftain a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses. The troll chieftain bit the massive troll queen on the end of her warty nose and offered her a bouquet of long-stemmed roses. She swooned.
I opened my backpack and removed an oaken wand. I waved the wand at Gyuin several times. Suddenly, he blinked and shook free of the stun. He gasped. Then Gyuin exclaimed, "Wow, they really have turned over a new leaf!" Gyuin turned to the troll merchant. "You got any good stuff in here for spell casters?"
The massive troll queen, the troll chieftain and I continued into the Long Hall of the Troll Lair, and my eyes were opened to the true lifestyles of the trolls. Magnolia petals litter the floor, and the walls are decorated with gilded peacock feathers. The furniture was neatly organized in an arrangement conducive to lively conversation.
I also saw a redwood chair, a redwood chair, a velvet-covered loveseat, a troll chieftain, a massive troll queen, an aged, slobbering massive troll matron who was sleeping and a bear cub who was sleeping.
I glanced at the bear cub. The bear cub appeared well-fed and content and was napping at the feet of the aged, slobbering massive troll matron, seemingly oblivious to the large dollops of drool that was dripping onto its fur as she slobbered. From the manner in which the bear cub twitched his legs, I imagine he was dreaming of chasing halflings from their burrows and chewing on their brittle bones.
"My mother," the troll chieftain said proudly, nodding at the aged, slobbering massive troll matron. He chuckled. "When she isn't sleeping, she's thinking of ways to lure that rogue of yours, that Blades, into the Lair. She may be old, but she's still hot-to-trot!" The massive troll queen slapped the troll chieftain upside the head! "Oh, hush with that sort of talk around our guests!" she exclaimed.
We entered the Clan Leader's Room. Easily the most ostentatious of all the rooms, the Clan Leader's Room was dominated by a large portrait hanging on the southernmost wall. A king-sized bed was positioned directly below the portrait and was littered with pillows and clean, fluffy snowcast furs. Resting on the bedside table was a small book, and a cherry wood and marble vanity contained several other objects.
I also saw three comfortable rolton cotton armchairs dyed in muted oranges and browns. (Editor's note: rolton cotton?)
I stared at the armchairs. The troll chieftain laughed nervously. "Oh, those! A gift from Byron! He's a good friend..." The massive troll queen glanced at the troll chieftain. He gibbered. "Byron, a good friend of ours from up around the Glatoph area, I mean. You probably don't know him..." He flailed.
I glanced at the small book on the bedside table and are startled by its title, "Elven Made Easy," by Dunwine Holdwin.
I looked on the vanity, and saw a small vial of blemish cream, a small vial of blemish cream, a decanter of Eu de Human hair gel and a large container of blemish cream.
I examined the portrait. A small brass plaque read "Our Admiral, Aephir. Long May He Reign." The portrait was of a fierce monster, roughly humanoid, standing nearly 9 feet tall, with long arms ending in razor-sharp claws. Dark green and covered with ugly warts, the hideous being appeared unintelligent yet incredibly strong.
I blinked at the massive troll queen. I glanced at the portrait. "Aephir?" I asked. "He's your admiral, too?"
The massive troll queen beamed at me. "Of course! Aephir is wonderful. Of course, we've no idea what he really looks like, but this is a popular representation of him. He has been promising us new hunting grounds in Solhaven for months, but insists we do something with that dreadful log of yours first." She glanced conspiratorially at me. "Can I tell you a secret?" she asked. I nodded.
"That log isn't a log." she said. She giggled. I stared in amazement at the massive troll queen. "I can't believe you Sylvans, at least, the only smart race in that town of yours, haven't figured it out. You enter the boot and emerge through the leg bone of a giant!"
The massive troll queen fell to the floor laughing. "My grandfather killed the beast, stripped it of its flesh, sucked the marrow from its bones and made a bed for my husband and I!" she exclaimed. "The leg was the only bone he didn't use." She pointed at a king-sized bed.
I looked at the king-sized bed. Massive even by giantman standards, the bed was built from massive, bleached bones that formed a decorative canopy. A tag on the mattress read, "Stuffed with the finest halfling fur! Imported from Teras! Removal of this tag is a crime against the Troll Nation."
The massive troll queen led me back to the Long Hall. She pointed at a redwood chair. I sat. She sat on the velvet-covered loveseat. The troll chieftain sat on the velvet-covered loveseat. The troll chieftain kissed the massive troll queen's lips. He didn't seem to want to stop. She blushed. I stared into space.
"You are wondering why I brought you here?" she asked. I nodded. She leaned back. "There are things your people need to know about the Troll Nation, about River's Rest and about several other important matters. You have only penetrated slightly into the largest confederation of troll tribes this world has ever seen, and it would bode well for your people to understand out nature before further incursions take place."
"Many of my people see you only as creatures to hunt and skin. And to take treasures from." She twirled her diamond elf-shaped earrings and whistled. "And I must admit, I found quite a few nice boxes in the Landing a few weeks ago. And I practically trained a whole level from that roomful of nobles I coned!" She cackled. She paused. "But, let bygones be bygones, mother always said. And so we seek the middle way. An uneasy truce between our people. And for a very important reason...
"The Talan."
I blanched. "Ah!" she exclaimed. "So you know of The Talan? Good. There is much I can share with you." I nodded at the massive troll queen. "Make yourself comfortable," she said. "I will make us some hot giantman bone tea." Suddenly, the troll chieftain leapt from the loveseat. "Invasion!" he exclaimed. The massive troll queen rubbed her amulet. "Oh, no! So many names...." she sighed.
Lord Emeraldwand's group arrived. "Essee! Hunt with us!" Zephina exclaimed. Callyloo thumped Zephina. Fairehart shrieked. "Troll queen!" Fairehart exclaimed. Dearlae uttered a phrase of magic and gestured at me. I suddenly felt stronger. Dearlae kissed me on the cheek. "Sis! Join Emeraldwand!" she exclaimed.
The troll chieftain charged toward Emeraldwand shouting, "Ird nramugh mus Ird!" The massive troll queen snarled menacingly and advanced. "Oh, no! Wait everyone!" I exclaimed. "Esseeeeeee! You're silly!" Callyloo exclaimed. And then all hell broke loose.
Emeraldwand gestured. Emeraldwand hurled a powerful bolt of lightning at the troll chieftain. Hideously bright electrical bolts sent his left leg into another universe. Happy traveling, indeed. The troll chieftain screamed one last time and lay still.
Emeraldwand hurled a powerful bolt of lightning at the massive troll queen. A horrifying bolt of electricity crystalized her abdominal area. It was spiffy but unfortunately also quite deadly. Emeraldwand hurled a powerful bolt of lightning at the bear cub. A surprisingly large electrical arc destroyed her neck and moved up around her head making a flashy halo. A rather classical death occurred.
The aged, slobbering massive troll matron woke with a start. "Uh oh," Callyloo said. Dearlae muttered something under her breath. Zephina skinned the troll chieftain. Fairehart searched the troll chieftain. "Henry!" the aged, slobbering massive troll matron screamed despairingly as her son decayed into dust.
The aged, slobbering massive troll matron gestured.
The aged, slobbering massive troll matron began to shake violently. The aged, slobbering massive troll matron bared her fangs at Dearlae while grinning hideously. The aged, slobbering massive troll matron howled in anger. The aged, slobbering massive troll matron rubbed her hands together and blurred. The aged, slobbering massive troll matron rubbed her hands together and was surrounded by a bright luminescence.
The aged, slobbering massive troll matron gestured at Emeraldwand's group. "At the group!? She can't do that! Can she?" Zephina exclaimed. Callyloo wailed. The ground began to boil violently. Limbs began burning and cauterizing, then everyone took a breath of super-heated air and expired, gasping. Emeraldwand dropped dead at my feet. Fairehart dropped dead at my feet. Callyloo dropped dead at my feet. Dearlae dropped dead at my feet. Zephina dropped dead at my feet.
The aged, slobbering massive troll matron glanced at me. And then I woke up on the altar in the Sanctuary, my mind clear as a bell.
| Guides | Culture | Humor | Profiles |